Elaine
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Posts posted by Elaine
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How to talk about men and still be politically correct...
He does not have a beer gut; he has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.
He is not quiet; he is a CONVERSATIONAL MINIMALIST.
He is not stupid; he suffers from MINIMAL CRANIAL DEVELOPMENT.
He does not get lost; he DISCOVERS ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.
He is not balding; he is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.
He is not a cradle robber; he prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS.
He does not get falling-down drunk; he becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.
He does not act like a total *ss; he develops a case of RECTAL CRANIAL INVERSION.
He is not short; he is ANATOMICALLY COMPACT.
He does not constantly talk about cars; he has a VEHICULAR ADDICTION.
He is not unsophisticated; he is SOCIALLY MALFORMED.
He does not eat like a pig; he suffers from REVERSE BULIMIA.
He does not hog the blankets; he is THERMALLY UNAPPRECIATIVE.
He is not a male chauvinist pig; he has SWINE EMPATHY.
He doesn't have a dirty mind; he has INTROSPECTIVE xxxOGRAPHIC MOMENTS.
He is not afraid of commitment; he is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED.
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Greeting Cards Oriented Towards The Male Buyer
A survey has found that about 90% of all Hallmark greeting cards are purchased by women. In order to attract more males to buy and exchange greeting cards, the following are some greeting card suggestions created to attract more male buyers:
Cover picture: Dim, misty, moody picture of a vase of roses.
Cover caption: Condolences
Inside caption: ...on the loss of your remote control.
Cover picture: Nostalgic picture of a young couple strolling through a field holding hands.
Cover caption: Darling, as we go into our 10th year together...
Inside caption: I swear I'll leave my wife soon!
Cover picture: Gold-leafed picture of a vase of red roses.
Cover caption: Get well soon, darling!
Inside caption: This house doesn't clean itself!
Cover picture: Dark moody picture of a vase of roses.
Cover caption: In sympathy, I'm sorry to hear the news...
Inside caption: That you've been beaten senseless again in another bar fight.
Cover picture: Norman Rockwell-ish painting of a young girl picking daisies.
Cover caption: To the daughter that I love...
Inside caption: No daughter of mine is leaving this house dressed like a slut!
Cover picture: Misty photo of a couple embracing and kissing.
Cover caption: To my wonderful wife...I know we've had a little disagreement
Inside caption: But please don't cut off my sex organ as I sleep tonight!
Cover picture: Photo of two men shaking hands.
Cover caption: Congratulations and the best of luck!
Inside caption: To the installation of your new hair plugs!
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LOL--Someone needs to take John aside and clue him in! Sheesh!
Need we send sympathy cards to RY?
elaine
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LOL, Becky! I can see it now--laptops instead of dimes (or I guess it's a dime and a quarter, these days!).
elaine
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Like I told Bruce, the men just better give up on September and start working feably toward trying to get one up on October, not that it will do much good, but they can try!
Good one, Katha!
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Becky,
Sorry, but we actually deserve points for that one!
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TANN,
You ask a very good question--what about chemo brain? Maybe chemo cuts off some blood supply to the brain or depletes oxygen. I don't think anyone really knows.
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Nell
Thanks for being such a good friend to Mr and Mrs Bob. And to all of us!
love and fortitude
elaine
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Good to hear from you. No need to explain. It's all understandable.
BTW, how is your husband's voice?
love and fortitude
elaine
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Shelly
Thanks for sharing your son's inspirational journey! I hope all continues to go forward for him!
love and fortitude
elaine
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You expect points?
Takeoffzejockstrapjohnny!
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Betty,
I don't know any answers, but just keep in contact with the Dr. I sure hope you are up and happy dancing soon!
love and fortitude
elaine
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LOL, when I first read your post, Cat, I thought you REALLY were in jail! I was pretty shocked and upset. Glad to hear from you and that the jail is just one of life's inconveniences and not the real thing. I thought I was going to have to take up a collection for bail money!
love and fortitude
elaine
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I dont know the specifics about your financial situation, but getting mortgage life insurance will not be possible given your husband's dx. If you can afford the payments on your own AND feel comfortable about it, then do so. This doesn't mean you have given up hope; it just means that you are excersising common sense.
love and fortitude
elaine
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This looked like an ethical organization that will help get your situation looked at by ethical brokers.
elaine
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Cindi
Have you checked the policy--some have riders where you can take 50 percent if you are dxed with a life threatening illness. One of mine does. As for viatical companies, I don't have any info but if you do a google search I think you can find information about what to look out for. I will look for a link to post for you and for others.
Good to hear from you
love and fortitude
elaine
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Thanks for letting us know about Bruce and let him know Elaine is praying for him! With Bruce MIA for a couple of days, the women are sure to win Sept, so tell Bruce to start working on Oct jokes cos the men are going to need his help BIG time--especially seeing what they have been posting lately!!!
love and fortitude
elaine
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Lisa,
Of course Don Woods always says not to borrow trouble, so I am only going to say that since Gamma Knife is a way to treat brain mets, it could be--BUT on the positive side Gamma Knife is ususally only used if there is one or maybe two brain mets and they are small. I know you will find out in the morining and until then I will be sending loads of positive thoughts your way. Maybe the Gamma Knife is for one of the other mets.
But either way, GAMMA KNIFE is a good thing!
love and fortitude
elaine
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I want to know what the guys think of this one???? How many points?
elaine
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Peggy,
I hope you know you are always in my thoughts and I am so glad you found some strength in Cheryl's words. I did too.
elaine
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Paddy,
I was only too happy to help in some way. I am still at a loss for words at the "technician's" memory loss or whatever you might call it!! A lottery sounds so heartless, soesn't it?
I hope things work out and I am glad you have a plan in place.
My best to you both.
love and fortitude
elaine
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Renee,
I am glad Scott was able to come home. You are both so young to face this. I hope you have help and or family around you, now.
Sending you both extra love and fortitude!
elaine
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The humor columnist Dave Barry has this to say about the tobacco settlement, and it appears he was right on!
Tobacco Ruling A Smoking Gun
by
Dave Barry
Miami Herald
Q. Could you please explain the recent historic tobacco settlement?
A. Sure. Basically, the tobacco industry has admitted that it is killing people by the millions and has agreed that, from now on, it will do this under the strict supervision of the federal government.
Q. Will there be monetary damages assessed?
A. Yes. To compensate for the immense suffering caused by its products, the tobacco industry will pay huge sums of money to the group most directly affected.
Q. Lawyers?
A. Yes.
Q. Will the federal government also receive large quantities of money?
A. Of course.
Q. How will the tobacco industry obtain this money?
A. By selling more tobacco products.
Q. What if consumers stop buying tobacco products?
A. That would be very bad. That would mess up the economics of the whole thing. The government would probably have to set up an emergency task force to figure out ways to get people smoking again in order to finance the historic tobacco settlement.
Q. Under this settlement, will potent new steps be taken to remind smokers that they should not smoke?
A. Yes. Cigarette packs will carry even sterner scientific warnings regarding the badness of smoking, such as "YOU BIG DOODYHEAD!" These warnings will no doubt have the same massive impact as all the previous warnings, causing many smokers to smack their foreheads and say, "I had NO IDEA that smoking was unhealthy. I shall quit immediately!"
Q. Seriously, is there some kind of printed warning that really would make people stop buying cigarettes?
A. Yes. Sales would drop to zero overnight if the warning said, "CIGARETTES CONTAIN FAT." American consumers have no problem with carcinogens, but they will not purchase any product, including floor wax, that has fat in it.
Q. If the government really wants people to stop smoking, how come it doesn't just make cigarettes illegal?
A. Because people would smoke them anyway.
Q. Then how come the government makes crack cocaine illegal?
A. That is an unfair comparison. The tobacco industry is merely selling a deadly product; the crack cocaine industry is guilty of something far worse.
Q. Failure to make large political donations?
A. Yes.
Q. What does the historic tobacco settlement do to discourage adolescents from smoking?
A. It requires the parents of adolescents to put on giant pants, shave their heads and get their noses pierced, then smoke cigarettes in front of their kids while making such statements as, "Smoking is cool, dude!" This will cause adolescents to join strict religious orders.
This was written at the time of the original settlement, before it got watered down!!!
I thought of Karen C when I read this joke:
in JUST FOR FUN
Posted
A man observed a woman in the grocery store with a three year old girl in her basket. As they passed the cookie section, the little girl asked for cookies and her mother told her, "No." The little girl immediately began to whine and fuss, and the mother said quietly, "Now Monica, we just have half of the aisles left to go through - don't be
upset. It won't be long now."
Soon, they came to the candy aisle and the little girl began to shout for candy. When told she couldn't have any, she began to cry. The mother said, "There, there, Monica, don't cry - only two more aisles to go and then we'll be checking out."
When they got to the checkout stand, the little girl immediately began to clamor for gum and burst into a terrible tantrum upon discovering there'd be no gum purchased. The mother said serenely, "Monica, we'll be through this check out stand in 5 minutes and then you can go home and have a nice nap."
The man followed them out to the parking lot and stopped the woman to compliment her. "I couldn't help noticing how patient you were with little Monica," he began. The mother replied, "I'm Monica - my little girl's name is Tammy."