SBeth

Well, I do understand and your realization that it is yet another reminder of the "removal" process has helped me understand why it hurts so much too. It's odd that EVERYONE in my "inner circle" knows what a huge loss I've suffered with Bill's death; yet I go to the doctor/dentist, the bank, the service center at the car dealership...and these people don't know. How can they not look at me and know that my husband just died? Thus starts the "removal" process again. It is very painful. I'm almost at a point where I need to reorder checks and there is NO WAY I'm going to have Bill's name removed from my account when I reorder. So many reminders every single day... I'm sorry it's so painful for you Peggy. I wish it could be easier...for all of us. Love and prayers to you!

My thoughts and prayers are with Fay's family. Those of us who have lost loved ones know that Fay is in good company and will continue to teach us from above.

Sue, Please know that I, like so many others here, are thinking of you and praying for you and Mike. Try to keep us posted if it doesn't interfere with your time with Mike. Much love,

Rich and Family, Please add my prayers to the many many prayers and good wishes being sent your way. Much love,

Dear Mark, I wish I didn't understand your post so well. I do and I wish you some peace today and in the days ahead. Love,

Dear Ginny, All I can say is ditto to what Pat said and thank you so much for the hope you give me; some days it's all I feel like I have in my life right now. God bless.

Yes Don. Bill had an extreme case of this during his first round of Alimta. It was so bad that his cheeks became chaffed from the tears. Oddly, he didn't have that reaction following his second infusion. Keeping you and Lucie in my prayers.

Karen, I'm so sorry for you. I do know how hard this is to accept and I fully understand your inability to "shut your brain down" at night. That is when I came up with my best treatment plans and ideas for Bill. I'll be keeping you in my prayers. Love,

Dear Ginny, I will absolutely keep ALL of you in my prayers. Please come back quickly with good news so that we can all breathe a sigh of relief along with you. Love,

Good grief Beck...I wouldn't have had a problem with the small space in the elevator and the ladder wouldn't have been toooo bad, but I'd have to draw my line in the sand at the whole face-off with the shaft bit. They would have been setting up some kind of pulley system to heist up the pizza and blankets for me. Glad it's behind you and guess what...it's FRIDAY!

You both have my prayers Karen. Enjoy the company and visits with family and make the most of every single second with Ken. Much love,

Jamie, I'm so looking forward to attending this event and meeting you. I'll be the one with two handsome teenage boys at my side. Counting down the days...

Dear Lori, I know you barely have a moment for yourself, but I'm just across the river and only a few minutes away...if you need something, anything, a shoulder to lean on, a hand to hold, or an ear to bend...please call me. Love,

Oh Fay, Your message hits me hard. I pray for you daily and I am so honored that Bill and I were on the receiving end of your prayers too. Peace be with you in the days ahead. Much love and respect for you and your courage.

Debbie, Please convey our sympathies to Jen's whole family. She will be deeply missed here, as she was in inspiration to everyone.

My sincere condolences to you and her entire family. Jen was an inspiration to many here and was a fighter. She will be missed here and she will be welcomed by many on her new journey. God bless.

Sue & Mike, You have my prayers! Much love,

Dave, I hope that you take comfort in knowing what a rock solid support you were to her. I'll keep your family in my prayers.

Dear Lori, Please let me know what I can do for you, beyond prayer. I know your Mom is in good hands with Dr. Warnick. He, along with Dr. Brenneman, treated Bill at the Mayfield Clinic and they are the best! Love,

Dear Fay, I am in awe of your courage in this fight. You have my deepest respect and many prayers to see you thru your journey. God bless.

Ginny, How proud your sister must have been to have looked down from heaven and listened in as her granddaughter spoke so eloquently of her. How proud she was to know what a huge part she had in the molding of your niece. Thank you for sharing this with all of us.

Thank you Larry. Your faith and strength inspire me to continue to look for things in my life to make me feel good and want to go on until God decides he has another plan for me. Thank you for sharing your words of wisdom.

As some of you know, Bill was an avid SCUBA diver and our long term goal was to eventually retire in St. Croix (U.S. Virgin Islands)so that he could open a dive shop. He hated the cold and the snow (he passed away during the first snowstorm of the winter in December)and asked that he be cremated and that I scatter his ashes in the warm waters of the Caribbean Ocean or Gulf of Mexico. I've been struggling with my loss so much lately and becoming very attached to "his ashes" that I had started to fear that I would not be able to scatter him as he wanted me to do and found myself thinking that it would be okay to wait a year or so. Now, I know that would be okay, but in my heart I know that the very very last words I spoke to him in his casket at the funeral home were that "I promise you Baby, I'll have you back exploring the reef as soon as possible." That said, I've been beating myself up over getting up the nerve to take him down there. Low and behold, I woke up last week to the sound of the toilet flushing and found that I had been sleepwalking (I guess) and dreaming that I had flushed his ashes down the toilet. It scared me so badly that I may actually do that...so I've got "him" locked safely in our safe and I've finalized the plans for my trip to Mexico. At first I was not really looking forward to this, but everything feels so right. Bill's daughter called me and told me that she has changed her mind and now she wants to be there too; both my sisters have asked to go, Bill's cousin's widow (who's been a huge support and comfort to me as we are both 30-something widows) and my best friend are going too. Now I will have five of the best women in the world travelling with me and the icing on the cake...are you ready for this? I called a fishing charter in Puero Aventuras to make a reservation for a boat to take us out for the actual scattering and two things happened. First of all, the owners of the business are from the same small rural county as me just east of Cincinnati and I know their family; and then, she told me to go online and check out their fleet of boats to pick one for the reservation. Now, I'm thinking..."who cares what boat, just pick one" until I see that out of nine boats there is one called "The Wild Bill". Tell me that's not a sign? I just feel like this is going to be good for me. Thank you all for listening to me this morning and for being here for me these last months. THANK YOU so much. I'm beginning to see the light, faint, but it's light. Much love,

Some days...most days...I just don't want to get out of bed. I know that I'm really no different than the many many ahead of me on this journey and those just behind me, but I feel so hopeless and weak. I log on every day and try to keep up with all the updates and news. I just want to let everyone know that I still pray for and think of all of you daily and I hope to gradually get back to being a supportive member of this family again. I just cannot believe how difficult and painful and real this grief feels. All my love to everyone!

My prayers will be with you Terri. Love,