SBeth

Jeff (my teenager) and I opened our swimming pool over the weekend. When we opened up a five-gallon drum of chlorine tablets we found a handwritten note from Bill. It was instructions on what to do, how to do it, when to do it and who to call if we couldn't do it. It tore me up. I remembered last fall when we closed up he pool; it was just a few days after signing on with Hospice and it was a chilly afternoon in October. My brothers-in-laws came over to blow the air out of the lines, take off the hand rails and ladder...all the stuff that needed to be done. Jeff was pretty good about knowing what to do, but he still needed some help. Bill had to give out the instructions. He was all bundled up in his pajamas and his robe and we had to run his oxygen line out thru our bedroom window to him seated in a patio chair. I so clearly remember that day and staring at him and wondering what I would do when spring arrived and it was time to open our pool. It breaks my heart to know that the same thoughts were running thru his mind and he knew he would not be here come Spring. In the last months he was alive, he had such terrible tremors from the WBR that he was barely able to hold a fork, let alone an ink-pen. I remember when he signed the Hospice paperwork...it took him so long to just sign his name on the first form. The Administrator told him that if he wanted, it would be okay for me to sign on his behalf. He just looked at her at told her that he didn't want me to sign, because he knew in his heart that I didn't want him to go with Hospice (that was true then, but I have no regrets now). As I sat there holding his full page of notes I can only wonder where I was when he spent so much of his precious time writing these instructions. The notes are barely legible, and are simple instructions on how to open/close the swimming pool...but they mean the world to me. I miss him so much. I miss the way he loved me and I cannot believe that anyone in this world will ever love me like that again. Thanks for listening to my grief. Love,

The response I got from Coldwater Creek... I will continue to be a squeaky wheel until there is enough of the pie to go around!!!

Thanks Ginny. I sent in my 2 cents worth; we'll see where it gets us. The squeaky wheel...

Terri, My prayers and thoughts have been with you daily and will continue to be. I hope that you have the same wonderful experience with Hospice that Bill (and I) had. They are an incredible organization here in Cincinnati and helped improved the quality of Bill's life tremendously. I have faith that they will control your pain and give you and your family the same gift of peace that we were given. God Bless. Love,

Val, Just be a physical presence for your friend as often as you can. Many people would call and say that if I needed anything, give them a call. When someone was standing in front of me, it was easier to ask them to do this or do that. As your friend's spouse gets closer to the end of his journey, offer support by reminding others that may be there to give the two of them a moment or two alone every so often. That, for me, was the hardest thing to get over. There were so many others that wanted to be with Bill at the end and I felt like I was cheated of some one-on-one time once the clock was really ticking. One more thing...LOTS of hugs. The touch of another human being is amazing and healing. And when the dust settles in a few weeks and you THINK she is doing okay; don't believe it and continue to offer some support. You're a wonderful friend Val, just because you are going out and looking for ways to be a better friend. She is lucky to have you. My prayers will be with you. Love,

I had posted an update on how things are going for me these days and thought I'd stick it in the General forum as I know that many many of the members are not comfortable with reading in the Grieving forum. Looks like my post was filled with too much grief for the General forum and was moved. Funny thing is that I was very aware when I was writing it that I needed to keep it upbeat and thought I had done a good job. Had I known where my post would have ended up; I would have given you all the scoop on the real pain I'm feeling for I know that those who do read the Grieving forum would wholly understand. I guess reality can be a cold slap in the face. Thanks!

Hi Everyone, Despite what it probably has seemed, I've been around, just lurking mostly and trying to keep up on how everyone else has been doing. Tomorrow (or today depending on what time zone you are in) will mark 5 months since Bill's death. I never thought I would make it this far, but Ginny and Peggy...you guys were right...one minute, one hour, one day at a time. I really didn't do my heavy duty grieving until this past month...and I'm still trying to find my way thru, it's hard. I had surgery in early April and it was very very difficult to be back in a hospital. The sounds of the monitors and nurse call buttons and bed motors and the smell of alcohol and iodine and sterile gauze...it was all too much. Then there was coming home, lots of company (just like the old days with Bill and everyone stopping in to spend time with him), my house had been a ghost town since his death. I hadn't spent more than 15 minutes in our family room since December. It was too hard to go in there and not see him sitting there reclined on the couch. So...here I come home and I have to sleep in a reclined position for a week; hence the grief hits home. I spent a great deal of time alone, sitting in his seat, feeling my own healing physical wounds (which pale in comparison to all he went thru)and thinking of how few times he ever complained of the pain. Here I sat for almost two weeks going stir crazy, stuck on the couch and bored with books, television, internet; just wanting conversation and thinking of how few times he ever complained of the boredom. My husband was an incredibly wonderful strong and courageous man and I don't care what any therapist says, I'm not putting him up on any pedestal that he doesn't belong on. I miss him beyond my ability to express. I've made some changes in the past few weeks. I considered selling the house, mostly because of my fear of my family room; but as I've overcome that fear, I've decided to stay...for now. I went on a furniture shopping spree and I love all my choices and I think Bill would have liked SOME of them too. My big change is that I started my new assignment today and I think I made the right decision. It's taken two months for my transition, but my first day went well and I know that Bill is looking down on me and very proud of the way I've kept my promise to go on. Well, that's my update and as soon as all the chaos in work and homelife settles a bit, I'll be back to posting. My prayers and thoughts are always with all of you! Love,

Hi Erin, I haven't posted too much lately...for alot of reasons, but mostly because my grief has recently hit me in the face like there's no tomorrow. Anyway, something about the title of your post making reference to the insurance check that got my attention. I wholly understand the range of emotions you felt about that piece of paper with her name on it. I felt like my husband lived all his life and in the end his worth was reduced to the nominal amount of money on a check...but we all know this is not the case, it's just something we can allow ourself to be angry at, a way to let out our pain. I'm sorry it is so difficult for you. So, as I'm reading all your random thoughts I'm thinking about my step-daughter. My husband had two grown daughters that he raised solely on his own and was very close to both of them. His oldest daughter and I are very very close; unfortunately, his youngest daughter has not been seen or heard from by anyone in the family since the week following Bill's death. Tracy is struggling so with the loss of her father and your post really struck a chord with me about her pain. I guess I get caught up in my own pain much of the time and feel like "I" am the one that hurts the most. I was his wife, I was with him 24/7, I took wonderful care of him and now I am all alone and learning to live without him. BUT, then I realize that I lived almost 30 years without him in my life and I know what life without him is like. How hard it must be for the children to loose a parent (mine are still alive) and find themselves dealing with the range of emotions from simple pain of the loss to insecurities about how they will survive without their mother or father. The fear of the unknown. So, thank you for your post. I'm so very sorry for your pain; you've inspired me to call my step-daughter and see if she has plans this weekend and get together to give her a hug and remind her that I'm still here for her. My best to you Erin as you continue on with your healing. I'm so glad you have your new baby to help heal. Love and prayers,

Hi Mark, I've been wondering how you are and was glad to see your posts recently. I'm happy to hear that you've found someone that really understands all you are going thru. You continue to be in my prayers. Love,

Karen, I'm very sorry for your loss of your mother. I was happy to hear that all her treatment didn't take away from the quality of life she had left. My prayers will be with you.

Lori, As difficult as it may be to do; maybe you should put a call into Hospice and atleast have a conversation with them about what services they can/will offer for your Mom. If we are talking about her quality of life and you don't think she is getting it from the nursing home, maybe Hospice can help. When Bill signed on with Hospice of Cincinati I asked the administrator what happens if a year goes by and he is still alive and they informed us that if he remained stable after six months, Hospice would sign him back under the care of his physician with the option to return to Hospice when his cancer began progressing again. I know it is a hard thing to accept, but maybe it's time to atleast look into what that option looks like. My best to you and I'm still just across the bridge if you need anything! Love,

Dear Tina, I don't have anything to add as far as advice to what has already been said, I think in time you will realize that there is nothing you can do to stop or even ease the pain on some days. Sometimes I feel like I'm sitting in a stalled car on train tracks with a train bearing down on me full force...and on some of those days I even secretly pray it will hit me before I get off the tracks. All I can tell you is that if you wake up and feel like you are having a good day...enjoy it, go with it and it will help you get thru the days that you wake up and don't want to get out of bed. My heart continues to break along with yours and many others here. I noticed this past week, with springtime arriving, it's much harder. Everyone suggested to me that when the weather got nicer, I'd start feeling better, but all it does is make me miss Bill even harder and reminds me off all the fun we had on such beautiful days. I hope your healing path is lined with more good days than bad and I'm here if I can do anything for you. Much love to you and your family Tina! Beth

I'm so very sorry Tina. My love and support are here for you. God bless you and your family.

Dear Carleen, All I can tell you is that I'm thinking of you both and praying for you both. I know there are absolutely no words to make anything feel or seem better right now. I'm so sorry. Love,

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Dear Tina, I'm so sorry for this news; without even asking, you're in my prayers...both of you...all of you! Love,

Nancy, Yes, when Bill signed on to Hospice of Cincinnati, there were several of the previously prescribed medications from his oncologist that were not covered under Hospice. We were offered a "comparable" drug thru Hospice, or we had the option of continuing to purchase these thru our pharmacy and our Rx plan. They explained to us that some of the newer prescription medications, such as Lunesta (for sleep) and Zofran (for nausea) were much more expensive than the medications already on the market and until they were approved by HOC, which could take a year or so, we would have to switch or purchase on our own. They did take care of securing those prescriptions and calling them into the pharmacy, but I had to pick them up and pay our co-pay.

Hi Ry, Ironic that I'm reading this post today when I just learned that my brother had this procedure done on Thursday. I just spoke with my sister-in-law and she said he experienced no pain, was thoroughly numbed and given something to help him relax during the procedure. He did have a slight sore throat that evening, but was fine by morning. Good luck!

I travelled down to the Caribbean last week to scatter Bill's ashes. Things didn't go at all as planned, though it was a good trip. My two sisters, my cousin, my best friend and Bill's daughter all went with. I did a cruise and our port in Port Aventuras, Mexico was where I had chartered the boat, The Wild Bill, for the scattering. Unfortunately, due to a medical emergency on the ship, we were forced to turn around and head back to the states and as a result we ported in Nassau instead. It's strange because Bill loved to book himself on a live-aboard sailboat and dive the Bahammas and surrounding area when he went on his dive-trips without me, but if we did a land based trip together, we went to the Yucatan area for his dives. I couldn't decide which place to scatter and so when I discovered The Wild Bill I thought it was a sign from Bill that that is where he wanted to be...and maybe it was. When we left Port of Miami on Thursday afternoon it was a rainy and dreary day and most of the passengers were below deck, but I opted to stand up on the back of the ship in the sprinkling rain and as I was standing there watching all the seagulls grabbing fish in the wake of the ship and swarming around I was asking Bill to tell me if this isn't what he wanted. Just at that moment a bird dropped a small fish on the deck near me. It was funny and I found myself saying to him, "Okay, if that was my sign, send me another sign to let me know that was my sign". Anyway, the next day the accident happened on board and it was out of my hands anyway. We ported in Nassau and I found a pretty cove and paid a fisherman to take us out for the private scattering and it was over before I could even allow myself to get upset. I didn't have the peace of mind that I anticipated and it was very difficult to pull out of port that evening knowing I had left him in the dark waters, but that is where he is happiest and it's only symbolic as far as I'm concerned. I miss him so much, but I did have a wonderful long weekend with my "female posse" and sitting up night after night into the early morning with Tracy (Bill's daughter) while we talked about him was WONDERFUL. Now it's time to get ready for spring and what better way to do that than go to the Red's Opening Day parade and game. That's where I'll be on Monday with the boys. A neighbor has given us some tickets for great seats and they are thrilled to be getting out of school for the day...now I just have to find a way to let my boss know that I'm taking off...AGAIN!

As Frank said, it is very hard to respect your Mom's wishes, but they are her decisions to make. I cannot imagine the fear and panic you must be feeling at learning of your mother's diagnosis so soon after loosing your father. Whatever she decides, I'll be thinking of you and hoping you find strength to support her. I lost my husband in December, and many many days and nights I prayed that God would make it my destiny to be with Bill sooner rather than later. I can certainly understand the many factors that may be weighing her decisions. Much love,

Karen & Rich, I'm very sorry for your loss. I hope you are comforted in knowing how much you did to help your father-in-law in his fight. Peace,

Something about your first sentence John...just had a feeling. GOOD ONE!!!! That should score some points for the guys. Do we still keep track?

"Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable." Sydney J. Harris

Peggy...I had to laugh at your pictures. As I watched the news last night and saw that the storm was moving into Indy and headed my way...all I could think is that it wasn't going to make it here. It's cold and dreary and yes, we had an inch or more in some places, but far from the 8-10 inches that was predicted. I just knew in my heart it wouldn't be much. Bill ABSOLUTELY hates snow, he died in a snow storm and we haven't had one single flake here in Cincinnati since December 9th. I had a feeling he'd hold the snow at bay until I get on that plane Thursday with him headed south to the Caribbean for his scattering. YEAH BILL!

Andrea, Please add my prayers to the many already being said for your mother-in-law.