SBeth

Rochelle, I am so sorry for your tremendous loss. Please know that you will be supported in prayer by many and if I can do anything for you, please let me know. As I know your loss, I also know that there is nothing I can say to help, but I'm here with ears and a shoulder if you need me.

The University of Cincinnati has done much research in the fields of lung cancer and genetic testing. This link has some useful information. http://www.eh.uc.edu/gelcc/

Hi Everyone, If I were posting an update on myself and how life without Bill is going, I would probably be telling everyone that things are good. The boys are doing well, I've returned to my old work schedule and feel like I am back on top of my game there. BUT, I need some feedback here, some advice or help? We finally sold our old home and have moved into a new one. The boys are thrilled, they are so much closer to school and friends and they needed the change too. December 9th will be two years since Bill passed away in our family room, surrounded by so many that loved him and continue to miss him. I walked from room to room before we left and it was an extremely emotional afternoon for me. I found myself crying outloud and begging Bill that if he could come with us to the new house I wanted him too...I needed to feel him with us there. So here is the problem. I've been haunted for the past two weeks, almost nightly, by Bill in my dreams. I rarely have had dreams of him until recently. In my dreams he is always away from me somewhere and we are on the phone and he is asking me why I never come to see him or take care of him anymore. In my dreams I am telling him I didn't know he was still "there" where ever there is and that I thought he had died and then I begin loosing my cell phone signal and can't find my car keys to go to him and then I awake. I know there are many that would say they would give anything to have a dream about their loved ones, and I would too, but this is tearing me up and keeping me from eating or sleeping. I don't know if I just feel so guilty about leaving our home or if I have been so busy trying to get back to normal for the boys that I have unfinished deep grief to deal with. Anyone have any suggestions on how to move thru this? Much love,

Terri, After my Bill died, I wanted so desperately to go to sleep at night and dream about him. Every night I would pray to God and talk to Bill, begging him to come to me in my dreams because I felt so sure that it would give me comfort and make me feel like I was with him again. About six months after he died I was at my very lowest point in healing and finally had my dream. In my dream we were on a roller coaster and the hills gradually got steeper. The first hill we crested and looked down and we were headed into water. As we hit the water I took a deep breath and we surfaced and began to climb the next hill. Each time we would begin our decline I saw water and after a few times it occurred to me that the higher on the roller coaster we went, the longer we would be under water before surfacing again. Make sense? Okay, so we are on this coaster, Bill and I, and as we climb the final hill we are just going higher and higher and I begin to cry that I won't be able to hold my breath long enough to survive and surface and I am looking at Bill and crying that I am afraid and just as we are about to hit the water he reaches over and unbuckles my harness and tells me that I can't go with him anymore and as he goes under, I stay afloat on the surface and look around me and I'm just in the middle of this big empty ocean, all alone. After that, I quit praying for a dream about him and I haven't had but a few since, but I still can feel him with me all the time. I can't explain it, but I get overcome with this odd feeling like he is right next to me, or even behind me in the bed some times. I hope that your dreams are comforting and that your healing continues.

Dear Mary, I tried numerous times to reach you with no response, now I know why. I am located here in Cincinnati also. I am so very sorry for your loss, if there is anything I can do for you please let me know. There are many people here at LCSC that can continue to help you going forward and healing. Please let me know if I can be one of those people. Much peace,

Jack, I'm sorry I never knew Cheryl, but it sounds as though many here knew and loved her and will miss her and mourn her with you. I can understand your pain and I will keep you in my prayers that you are able to find peace in knowing that there will be no more physical or emotional pain in Cheryl's life. My thoughts and prayers will be with you and your family.

John and Rochelle, My deepest sympathies in the loss of your mother/mother-in-law. I will keep you and your families in my thoughts.

Rachel, My prayers are with you that you are able to draw from Jamie's strength and great wisdom and find some peace in knowing that you are not alone. Jamie is right, you are a survivor.

Your post really struck me on two points; First, I would like to acknowledge that while I do believe that grief is grief, depending upon your loss, the process to get thru it is different and so it seems to make sense that there are people that reach out to support groups for more than just coping with the absence of a loved one, but also, learning ways to move on and get thru their grief. Those coping skills are surely going to be different depending upon the loss. That said, after Bill passed away, I embarked on a search for "the right" support group to help me and after the third attempt, I decided to reach out to my immediate family and friends and that seemed better in the end. One support group "for adults dealing with the loss of their spouse" actually had two folks that were going thru a divorce and dared to compare their loss with mine. It hurt. My point is that while we all hurt with our losses, some support groups should address more specific needs for those attending. My second point is this...going way out on a limb here... All during Bill's illness I found myself consumed with self-pity over my loss. I was losing my best friend, I was losing my identity as a wife, I was the one that was doing the lion's share of the work and the caregiving and damn it, I wanted the lion's share of the sympathy. Self pity and I became best friends. Then he died and after about six months I started healing. I started living again. I started returning to my life before Bill, my friends, my career, my family...and while there was an obvious void, I knew I was going to be okay...and I was. But my step-daughter wasn't. She had lost her father, who was her only parent..her mother and father and she had never known what life was like without him. She didn't have the comfort of knowing that she was going to be okay. I knew what life was without Bill, I knew it was livable...she didn't. She has had a much more difficult time recovering, healing and moving on and I wholly understand that and I hurt for her and her loss as much as, if not more than, I hurt for my own loss. So to all of those out there that have lost a parent, as someone who has lost a spouse...my sympathies to you, your pain is just as deep, if not deeper. My best to you on your healing. I hope you are able to find just the right kind of support you need to get to the other side of this river called grief.

It is all about perspective. I would cut off my right arm to still have my life filled with all that chaos and stress. Enjoy the time with your loved ones, be it waiting in the drs. office waiting room, sitting in the chair watching them sleep, or sharing a meal. Everything else in your life will eventually return to "normal". Blow off steam, come here to rant because God knows we all understand, kick out some "feel good" emails to those that can't seem to get it...but at the end of the day, be grateful that they are still with you!

Ginny, You continue to be such a wonderful role model and huge inspiration to me. I am certain that you make Earl very proud every moment of every day!

Heather, It's wonderful to hear from you, I think about you and wonder how you are doing often. I have no advice to offer on the procedure and have to admit I am without knowledge on the whole macro diet issue as well, but my thoughts and prayers will be with you that you find peace, comfort and survival in your choices as you continue to battle! Andrea, I LOVED your post, and boy did I need a laugh this morning as I'm about to dive into my NON-non-fat latte and cream cheese danish to drown my sorrows about my busy day ahead! Now, excuse me while I shut this closet door and get on with my day!

I haven't post much lately, but have been drawn back here alot lately as I find myself missing Bill more so than a few months ago. Many reasons for this, one of them is that I have our home up for sale and a contract pending. I'm torn about whether this is the right thing for me to do or not. I know it is, but feel a tremendous amount of guilt over it. The buyer's home inspection was scheduled last week and the night before the inspection the garbage disposal quit working. I've been saying to myself all along that if this change is meant to be, it will happen, but then secretly talking to Bill and telling him if he wants me to stay put, he needs to intervene, or send me a sign. So, the night before the inspection I'm laying in bed thinking about the broken garbage disposal (which I realize is not a big deal) and decided that this was Bill's way of keeping me in the house and so I said out loud to him..."I hear you, I'll stay here a little longer if that's what you want" when out of nowhere, I heard the disposal begin grinding in the kitchen. We had left the switch in the "on" position, thinking that the motor had burned up, but apparently it had just overheated and needed to cool down. At any rate, the timing was perfect and gave me the needed push to move on. I felt like it was REALLY Bill's way of telling me to quit looking for signs!

Hi Lori, I just wanted to chime in here that I, too, think the sun dial idea from Rochelle was wonderful. Everyone has to process thru this step in grief, especially when their loved one is cremated, and everyone has to do it at their own pace. I wanted to tell you though, that when I dispersed Bill's ashes into the warm dive waters of the Caribbean, there was an immense feeling of closure for me. The days and weeks prior to that moment were horrible and filled with depression and fear that when the moment came, I would not be able to let go...that was all I had left of him. When I completed his final wishes, I felt an incredible amount of peace and healing begin. I hope that whatever you decide to do, it helps you and gives you the same comfort. I'll be keeping you in my prayers Lori! Love,

Dear Don, The highlight of my time with LCSC was meeting you and Lucie. What a wonderful inspiration you both have been. I wish you much peace and satisfaction in your work with the Stephen Ministry and will look forward to periodic updates when time permits. Much love,

Three years ago today I was lounging oceanside in Aruba awaiting Bill's return from a day long SCUBA dive so we could dress, dine and party the night away on our vacation. So much has changed in the past three years; diagnosed Memorial Day 2004, he fought the beast for 18 months and has been resting peacefully in Heaven for the last 18 months. It is so hard for me to believe that he has been gone from this world for as long as he fought his lung cancer. It is even harder for me to believe that I have actually survived losing him. So many of you here at LCSC, and so many more that are no longer here at LCSC, have helped me survive. To those of you that promised me in my darkest moments that I would get thru...THANK YOU, you were right. I've made so much progress in the past 6-9 months, I've made so many changes and most importantly, I've made him proud of me and kept our promises. I could not have done it with out many of you here. On Memorial Day of 2007, I'll be spending some quite time reflecting on my journey for the last three years. I'm still here, just quietly supporting many with prayers and well wishes.

Heather, I'm so sorry for you. I know how hard this is, but it sounds like you are working thru the difficult days and making the most of the easier ones. My thoughts and prayers are with you. It speaks volumes about your husband that so many miss him on that field and recognize the void. He must have been a wonderful husband and friend.

Stephanie, My heart hurts for you. You remind me a great deal of Bill's daughter. It sounds like you and your father were very close. I cannot imagine how difficult a task it must be to be face to face with your loss every moment in your home. Bill's daughter, even 18 months later, has not yet been able to return to our home for fear of the pain it will cause. I think you are very brave and I am sure that your father is with you every step of the way and very proud at even the smallest steps you are taking to continue in life. Take your time and know that many, many people here at LCSC will keep you in their thoughts and prayers.

Tina, I thought about you often yesterday, hoping the day passed by gently. I'm keeping you in my prayers! Love,

Bill endured both WBR as well as the Cyber-knife procedure. Immediately after his brain tumors were surgically removed we noticed a slight tremor in his right hand. Following the WBR, the tremors became more noticable and then upon completion of the Cyber-knife, both hands were affected. His neurologist told us that there was no way to know if the tumors, the progression of cancer, the chemo or the actual WBR was the cause. He did have some days when the tremors were not as intrusive, but they were always there in some form. Best of luck to your Mom in her fight!

The Apple Dumpling Gang

Heather, My deepest sympathies to you, your boys and your entire family on this tremendous loss. I will keep you all in my constant prayers and may the days ahead be gentle on your heart.

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Yes, it will fade in time. It was a horrible thing to experience and will be very difficult to overcome. You'll never forget, who could? But you will not always be overwhelmed with that awful memory. I'm here in Ohio too, Cincinnati. Please feel free to send me a PM, if you feel like talking to someone in person or if I can help you move thru this part of your grief. I'll keep you in my prayers.

Thanks! Got my answer....new school this year! Glad I checked, but leave it to me to put this off until I'm loading up the car!