SDianneB

Beth, I had a similar experience. The heating and a/c guy came to my house at the end of the summer/early fall last year. While he was inside working on the thermostat, he noticed all the pill bottles on the sink and asked if I'd been sick, so I told him I had cancer. He was going through chemo for colon cancer. Sheesh. To top it off, he had no insurance, and was having to pay - a LOT - every time before they would give him his chemo. He'd finally been approved for some kind of assistance to help with his bills, but had mortgaged himself to the hilt just to survive. Di

Karen, I'd like to see us ALL cured. I'd like to see cancer kicked off the face of the planet -- all kinds of cancer. Parking wasn't like Vandy at all, although it's getting a little tight at the parking lot where I go to see the Oncologist (Sarah Cannon Cancer Center). In fact, when I got into my car to go home, I had a note on the window calling me an idiot and telling me I needed to learn how to park, because s/he had to get into her car from the passenger side. Poor baby. S/he didn't know that I had the same problem trying to fit into that space! Oh well. There's one in every crowd! Di

Had the talk with the Oncologist yesterday. Decided (thankfully!) before I got there to tone down, be calm and not confrontational like I can be at times! I told her I'd cancelled the biopsy, and after thinking things through, decided to come back to see her because I really didn't ask enough questions, or the right questions when I was there before. She wound up spending 30 minutes with me -- she was kind, caring, open and honest, and extremely helpful. It was a good talk, and I'm glad I went. I went over everything I've already posted about here, and it's her opinion that the adrenals are fine, based on my history with them. She says there just isn't any evidence to support more chemo right now. She did say I was right about the negative biopsy report, but she was more interested in getting a positive if it turned out that way. Ironically, one of the things I wasn't happy about was having to wait and wait and wait, yet I walked out of there agreeing to wait another 2 weeks -ha! Will have a CT scan (she wanted to wait a full 8 weeks after the last CT) on May 4th at 7:45, then see her just after that at 9:45. She says we should be able to tell if there is any change anywhere, and if so, we'll take it from there. I think that this was about a half and half situation -- "they" (the docs I saw during the gallbladder crisis) were indeed pushing me from one to the other, but I wasn't really reacting or asking the right questions at the right time either. I was more or less just along for the ride, thinking this was "ok." With her agreement, I told her that I'd be pushing harder for help if a time came again that I didn't feel good. Bottom line is that she made me feel much better, I know what she's thinking now and why, and I'm willing to trust her judgment on this and wait for the CT scan and see where we go from there. I'm sure glad I did this, and I think she was too. We'd never really talked like that since I started seeing her. I told her my goal at the start was the same as it is now -- to maximize survival. I've not asked for miracles or a cure, just to maximize my survival. She thinks that's a good and reasonable goal. Thanks for all the comments and support -- it gave me plenty to think about. Di

Sounds like they've got you coming and going. Or trying. Glad you came through this in one piece! Amazing what this chemo and/or radiation does to us and we don't even know about it for a while. As long as they haven't stopped up your sense of humor and your great attitude, you're in great shape, huh! Take care. Glad you are OUT of the hospital and back where you belong. We missed you! Di

I never had the pleasure of being around either of my grandfathers. Both were long gone by the time I came along. I barely remember my paternal grandmother - she was in her 90s when I was a little girl, and I have only faint memories of us sharing a birthday cake one year in Lee's Summit, MO, with LOTS of snow on the ground. My maternal grandmother is a different story. What a character she was! It's her family genes that gave all us females our cheekbones! She taught school for almost 20 years, then retired, married, and raised 6 children. Whew. Makes me tired just thinking about it. I spent good time with her when I was young. We used to take walks and talk. She'd tell me about how life was when she was little, and I couldn't even imagine. Now that I'm all grown up, she was my inspiration to start researching our family history a few years ago. I managed to find many many relatives I never knew I had, and got a lot of information about this wonderful family. Talk to your grandfather. Write things down. You will be sharing wonderful memories he has as well as his last days. May God be with you all. Special wishes for your grandfather. Di

There are scores of things that we humans do to our bodies that can have dire consequences down the road. Scores of them. Most of them we know to be harmful at some level, yet we take the risk and partake anyway. It's human behavior. Quite typical. Not always the smartest thing, but human. IMO, it isn't about blame or fault, it's about actions and consequences. We don't set out with the intention of harming ourselves or others, but the consequences creep up when it's usually too late to do much about it. We can justify and excuse anything and everything to ourselves, and others, but we alone bear the responsibility of our actions. When all is said and done, we made a choice somewhere down the line, and all choices have a cost attached to them in some form or fashion. No, it isn't worth beating yourself up over. Not now. Not when there are other battles to be fought. We can't go back and undo our lives, but we can go forward and hope that those we love learn something from our ordeal. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't encounter dozens upon dozens of people walking around smoking. I'd love to just stand in one spot and grab them all by the scruff of the neck and say "STOP THAT - NOW!" But, I don't do that. I won't do that. It isn't up to me. They will make their own choices and decisions, just as I did. And so life goes on as it inevitably does. I've sure had a good one, even considering all the bumpy roads I've had, and all the mistakes I've made. Maybe I'd do things differently if I could go back and change, but then again, maybe I wouldn't. I wish everyone would stop smoking. Yes, I do. I also wish I could win the Powerball. If wishes were nickels ... Di

Tina -- you're going to laugh really big at this. (At me!) I live literally blocks from Vanderbilt. About 5 minutes drive. I crossed the street into the Vandy complex that morning, and it was like I was on I-40 at 5:15 p.m. That was in December -- and docs are notoriously busy then anyway, and that day was miserable with the rain, cold, etc. The parking garage you parked in was bumper to bumper. I saw 1 parking place for a compact car (I drive a minivan) and sat to wait for a big truck to try and squeeze in because spaces were virtually non-existant at the time. In frustration, I called the office again and told them I was giving up -- was already 30 minutes late, and had snapped my last nerve driving and driving. Of course, that's when it occured to me that a 5 minute trip back home to have my neighbor bring me back and drop me off would have been way less than driving around for 30 minutes. DUH!!! Double DUH!! Di

Tina -- I've been keeping copies of all my records since day 1 -- even copies of ALL the scans on CDs. In spite of my deep aversion to the chaos at Vanderbilt, it may wind up with me going there, at least for a 2nd opinion. I had an appointment there a while back, but didn't make it because of the Vanderbilt chaos I mentioned, but if it comes to it again, I'll get someone to take me and drop me off and not have to fight the traffic. (Traffic within the complex that is the Vandy Medical Center is comparable to 5:00 traffic on the freeway - no kidding. Except it goes on all the time - constant.) Tomorrow is the day -- I'll see the oncologist and we'll have our talk, and I'll go from there. Thanks to you all for your helpful comments. Di

Peggy - this CAN be confusing! What happened was that I had cholecystitis that led to panceatitis. I had a large gallstone and an almost completely blocked bile duct. In the middle of all that and before they did a thing to treat me (mind you -- I was more yellow by the day) they ordered a PET scan. I was even told before I had it that "just about everything" will probably light up since I had all the inflammation. (I'd already had a CT scan that showed everything to be exactly like it had been before, plus an ultrasound showing the pancreatitis, etc.) Sure enough, "just about everything" lit up in the PET scan, and we already know from some washings done during the ERCP that most of it was a false positive. So, if she believes any of that is mets, then she needs to treat them, right? Having a biopsy that turns out negative means I wasted my time and insurance money, and if it shows positive, we're right back where we are today, except another week/10 days have gone by with NO TREATMENT. That's what bothers me most with this bunch -- with every test and every referral, a week or 10 days goes by with no resolution. In the meantime, I'm just expected to sit around twiddling my thumbs while they wait on reports that don't tell them much of anything. So, they order more tests. The cycle repeats itself. I know the reality says there can quite possibly be mets in there somewhere, but at this point, a biopsy isn't going to help unless the results are worthwhile, IMO. Just my thoughts. Di

Karen -- these oncologists (I'm on my 2nd since diagnosis) order scan after scan -- I've had CT scans, PET scans, CT/PET scans, ultrasound, et al. You name it! One problem, IMO, is that the oncologists work off the reports of the scans and not the actual scans. The pulmonologist looks at every scan I have and ignores the radiologist report. Don -- I'm with you. I'm on the 2nd oncologist since all this started, but it may be time for a 3rd. Third time's the charm, huh? Addie -- been there, done that, huh. I think this past weekend I made a mental breakthrough when I sat down and went over a lot of things since my diagnosis last year. I just could not justify this needle biopsy based on all I've been told, and will not have it just so they can play CYA. I think it's time they become real doctors and actually treat their patient, or let me move on to someone who will. Thanks for the supportive words from you all. I really missed this when I wasn't feeling like posting. You are, as always, the best!! Di

For the 3rd time in about 6 months, I feel like I'm being shuffled around from one doctor/test to another, just so the oncologist can buy some more time during which she wrings her hands, not knowing what to do with me. First was last fall when she was clueless about the timetable for post-chemo/radiation scans and clearance for PCI. Second was the recent cholecystitis problem when 3 doctors just let me get sicker and sicker, and it took one whole month from the first test before someone finally did something to treat it -- one month. Ridiculous. Now, it's here again. The last PET scan showed just about everything I have "lit up," and the pulmonologist, GI doc and others said "no way." They believe it's because of the stopped up bile duct and pancreatitis I had at the time, as well as the infection I had from all that. The GI doc said he figures it will all settle down in a while, once everything gets back to normal. So then, the oncologist orders a biopsy of my adrenal gland, then tells me that if it comes back negative, it might be negative, or it might just be that the exact spot where they placed the needle was negative. (Gotta love modern technology.) So, why have it? If it comes back negative, she's the 2nd oncologist to tell me it won't mean a thing, so why bother? If she suspects I have mets, then she needs to DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT. This "wait and see" mode is going to kill me. Instead of having a biopsy on Wednesday, I'm going to see the oncologist and we're going to have us a little talk. It's time to be treated or I'll take my insurance and go elsewhere. I've had enough of being shuffled around from one doc to another and having one test after another, and no one knows beans about what all the tests show. Aaaarrrrggghhh!! Oh well ... will let you know if they throw me into the loony bin or if I finally get some resolution on Wednesday. Di

Welcome back, you two! Glad you had some good R&R time away from things, but sorry to hear of your setbacks. I know of no one other than the two of you who can slap them back and go on with life in such an upbeat manner. Best wishes for speedy recovery to the both of you. Di

Sounda like you got "da fevah" with the wristbands, as they would say down here in the south! You got all righteous about fighting cancer, and look what happened ... Good for you! I'll just say to you what my wonderful pulmonologist said to me about the smoking: 1) There are little hair-like thingies (highly technical term, dontchano) up and down your windpipe that act as little vacuum cleaners to keep it cleaned out. Smoking destroys them, and over time, most smokers develop the "smokers cough" in order to keep the windpipe cleaned out. Radiation will also zap them, but they do recover unless you continue to smoke. It's important that you keep your windpipe cleaned out as much as possible, so if you smoke, it makes it more difficult to heal. 2) Continuing to smoke probably won't have a thing to do with what you have now, but you'll be working on another one. Want to go through all this again? (That's about verbatim what the pulmonologist told me when I was first diagnosed.) Truthfully, I didn't need to hear all that, because I already knew it. I bet all smokers know that. It's when we get whammed upside the head and it actually DOES happen to us that the message takes on new meaning. No guilt, no blame, no looking back. Just one foot in front of the other and going forward from here on out. I figured I could do that best by leaving the cigarettes behind. Much luck to you. Di

50? 50?????? Geez. Been there, done that! Ain't it grand! Happy 50th, you rascal. Make it a good one! Di

Doug says: "Now, pay attention, this is humongous news for a cancer survivor. CS’s live and die (literally) by the results of scans. Scans can be of any part of the body, and taken by a multitude of radiology machines: MRI’s, CT’s, PET scans, X-rays, etc. They show whether the tumor has grown, shrunk, stabilized or simply disappeared." Ain't it the truth. And sometimes, they show lots of stuff that is nothing, or nothing that may be lots of stuff. Go figure. The wonders of modern technology. FWIW, I didn't lose my hair during chemo -- it was the PCI that got it. Well, it got it on the sides and left me with a rather undignified looking mohawk variation that I soon shaved off to match the rest. We're all different -- we react differently. I didn't have a problem that required transfusions or any of the meds, but did have to postpone chemo for a few days one time when my platelets went under 100,000. They came right back up in a few days. I didn't have the port. Lots of different things happen to different people going through about the same things, I guess. I love your "journal" and that you are sharing it with us. I agree with your assessment of chemo nurses as well -- they are super. I have a niece who is an RN and she knows about what extra training is required to be a chemo nurse, and says "no thanks." Looking forward to the next installment! Di

(First things first -- Uncle Dave, I love reading your posts! Welcome, although I wish you didn't have to be here.) ERCP done, washings all came back clean. Had one fairly large gallstone that they removed, and put a temporary stent into the bile duct. Had a LOT of bile backed up in there, and within a few hours after the procedure, my yellow skin began to return to pink! I couldn't tell anything had even been done to me. Didn't feel anything -- just groggy for a few hours after the procedure. Had the greatest GI doc ever -- really glad to have hooked up with him. He is now my 2nd favorite after the pulmonologist. The two of them seem to actually know the art of diagnostic medicine. Go figure. I'm still healing somewhat from that, even though 3 weeks out. Doc says that pancreatitis doesn't just heal up overnight, neither would all the build up of bile in my system that was flowing through the wrong places. None of the docs, as the pulmonlogist put it yesterday, think that the "spots" on the liver mentioned in the last scans are worth breaking into a sweat over. They all agree that they are the same, benign spots, probably every day hemangioma, as when this started -- same place, same size, haven't done a thing for the better part of a year. She does want to check out my adrenal gland (left) -- another bone of contention from the first. One scan report says one thing, the next says something different. I'm having a needle biopsy next Wednesday. Now, get this. If the biopsy results come back negative, that means the gland is negative, or the exact spot where they put the needle is negative. Haha. Gotta love modern technology and modern medicine. It will be a CT guided biopsy done by an interventional radiologist, so hopefully s/he will have good aim and get a good sample. I'm ready to solve this, or at least take it off the buffet table of "possibles" for a while. Now, my instinct about all this. This is about what I told the Oncologist yesterday. I think that when I started first having symptoms of the cholecystitis, they all got into a tizz thinking it was mets, and no one really paid attention to ME. Starting with the PCP, everyone just kept sending me down the line, finally to the oncologist who sent me to the GI doc. During all that, I was REALLY sick. As sick as I ever remember being in my life. And with all the shuffling around and waits between appointments to see the docs, I figure I was sick for at least 2 weeks, and probably more like 3 weeks longer than I should have been. Even if there was a question of cancer, that would have been NO reason to have done the ERCP and relieved the bile duct and gallstone, THEN treat the cancer if they found it. (And they didn't.) Instead, everyone kept passing me along to the next one. I'm still mixed as to whether I should have this biopsy or not, but have a week or so to mull it over. I told her that if it's negative, and I hear from her (which I will) that a negative result doesn't mean anything, then they will be proving to me from now on what they say they "think" I have before I'll be having any of their ubiquitous tests and scans. I'm rather disgusted, if you couldn't tell with the medical profession. Or, I should say SOME of the people in the medical profession. Seems as though they order test after test, and if the tests don't show exactly what's wrong, they are stumped. It's like they don't teach Diagnostic Medicine 101 in medical school any more. Oh well. So, that's where I am now. Feeling pretty good actually, compared to where I've been for over a month. Incidentally, my 91 year old mother has the same thing, except she has a lot of stones and her bile duct is stopped up with stones, so they will be taking hers out laparoscopically. She is on some meds to improve her heart rate a bit, then they will do the procedure. All in the family! Hope you are all hanging in there. Anyone hear from sweet Alice? Schmaydee, how's it going with you? Love and smunchy hugs to you all. Di

Cindi, when I read the first part of your post, my first thought was "oh yeah, define STRESS." -- ha! You know I had one of those personal crises recently myself. It does get better. I can say that in my situation, it isn't what I'd consider optimal now, but it's better. You have all the prayers and good wishes I can send your way right now. You are a trooper -- gotta love those times when the energy flows like it's supposed to! Hang in there, you and your old man cat. Di

Happy birthday, Jen. I'm almost the same timetable you are - just a little behind you. Aren't we glad we can still be upright this far down the road? I read somewhere about the myth of the skinny cancer/chemo patient -- some even get what they call "chemo belly." Ha. I think I had it too, but lost all that when I couldn't eat from the cholecystitis. Not a great way to lose weight -- it more or less dropped off, but that's what happens when you can't eat! My wheeze is, for all practical purposes, gone - finally. On damp days, it's there, but not like it used to be at all. You must have allergies or something else going on with yours that I didn't. I hope things settle down for you soon -- you and your hubby. There's just not anything in our past that leads to any of us deserving any of this, huh. Take care -- glad you're back! Di

Since June 2004, I have had LOTS of scans. In the written reports from just about every one of them, there have been "errors" -- or at least a radiologist trying to err on the CYA side of things. I've found that once you mention the "C" word, every test and report you have from then on will have that in it, and often as the diagnosis of choice. The Pulmonologist I go to says he sees the same thing with his HIV patients -- that once the radiologists hear/see "HIV," the reports all come back with the known set of infectious processes that are related to HIV. The only ones of the docs I've been to who actually look at the scans themselves (other than the Radiologists) are the Radiation Oncologist when I was having that done, and the Pulmonologist. (FWIW, the Rad. Onc. believes that PET scans are more or less useless after the first one for diagnostic purposes. He relies on the detailed CTs they do when setting up their patients for radiation, and CTs for follow up, or actual biopsies.) A few weeks ago when I was sick, sick, sick with my gallstone & stopped up bile duct, they kept having me do scans. When I had a CT w/contrast, my Pulmonologist was out of the office, so they sent me to see one of his associates after the scan. I walked in there, and he said just this "see your Oncologist immediately - you have multiple mets all over." Huh? Where? How many? What does "all over" mean? "Just see your Oncologist -- multiple mets, liver, pancreas." 15 seconds to tell me that, and a $95 bill. (grrr) I see the Oncologist the next day, after spending a grueling evening worried that it's all over for me, and she says 'Why are you here?" She gives me a copy of the CT report (I keep copies of all scans on CD and all reports) and goes over it -- they see "lesions" in my liver that have been there from day 1 -- hemangioma that haven't changed an iota, in the same place, etc. This time, since I have elevated lipase, those "lesions" suddenly became mets. As did the pancreatitis. The truth? The gallbladder & duct problem was causing the pancreatitis and the skewed lab results -- high lipase, bilirubin climbing daily, etc. The next test was an ultrasound of my abdomen -- they find out I just had a CT scan, so out comes that report, and the US report sounds almost identical to that. Then the PET scan, showing activity in those same places. Well guess what folks? When you have a gallstone and a stopped up bile duct, it affects a lot of things. It can spew bile into your liver, causing it to do strange things, and almost always results in pancreatitis. When the duct stops up, your body still has to process and relieve itself of the bile, so it begins going out of your system in alternate ways. Your urine will turn dark, and your stools very light in color, because the bile comes out through the kidneys. NOT a good thing to have happen for an extended period of time. The bottom line was that the washings and samples he took from the pancreas and around my gallbladder during the ERCP were clean, and he (gastroenterologist) believes that all the other stuff will go away now that's solved. I will probably have to go back in a few months and have a permanent stent put in, but for now, once he got me cleaned out, I'm SO much better. And that was a lot of words just to tell you that yes -- you need someone other than a radiologist to look at your scans IMO. EVERY one of them. They will go for the worst possible thing to cover themselves. The docs who see you all the time know your body and your situation the best, so even if they aren't looking at the actual scans, they can often interpret the report based on your particular situation. Good luck sorting through it all! Di

Karen, I think you are 100% correct -- it had been going on a while. The gastroenterologist thinks so too. He said it would take a while for bile to build up that much. One of his possibilities is that there was some scarring from radiation causing the occlusion, and it was last Sept. since I'd had radiation in that part of my body. He said the timing would be about right -- healing isn't that fast, as as it heals, the scar tissue builds, and gradually stops up the duct. Makes sense. Guess I'll find out soon! You and David & I need to write a book about scans, tests, and more scans and tests that only make more and more docs wring their hands. Ha. Di

And feeling MUCH better - at last! Whew. I was SO sick - for a month. About to rebel against a handful of docs, but this gastroenterologist fixed me up Monday - ECRP. He put in a scope, found a BIG gallstone, took it out, and inserted a stent into the bile duct. He said when he did that, a LOT of bile gushed out. Ewwww. By the end of the day, my color was improving, and I was feeling much better. Still a little belly ache, but not so bad. I spent the night in the hospital because I had an infection from the icky stuff in my system, but by Tuesday, I was feeling a lot better. Yesterday, I knocked on wood all day wondering when my belly would start to rumble and ache, and it did NOT! Yay! Hasn't today either. (Knocking on wood again!) I can't remember feeling quite so bad from any other illness. I was really, really jaundiced, an almost constant pain/upset right in the middle of my gut, urine was really dark and smelly, stools pale (because the bile was being processed through my kidneys rather than my intestines as it should have been). The doc says it will take a week or 10 days for me to get back up to snuff. I'm still weak from not eating. (I dropped about 30 lbs in a month. Not that I couldn't stand to lose it, but not that way!) But, I'm all fixed up and on my way to recovering from this. Thanks to all of you who emailed and sent me messages -- I truly appreciate it. Di

Well, make that the "hidden scope." Will be - FINALLY - getting my stopped up bile duct cleaned out on Monday. I was about ready to crawl into a cave to get away from the medical profession - endless scans, scratching their heads in confusion, "Well, it could be this or could be this or could be that," and on and on. Finally got to a gastroenterologist who took one look at me (I'm a nice shade of yellow) and set me up for Monday. He's going to go in there with a scope, unstop my bile duct, have a look around, and get some washings for pathology. If there are stones or the gallbladder is bad, he will get me with a surgeon right then. The other docs had already mentioned several more tests, and I was NOT inclined to do many more, especially since I'm in deductible he!! still, and they didn't seem to learn any more from the next test than they had the last. This gasteroenterologist though - said NO more tests. We don't NEED more tests -- he could see from just the ultrasound I had last week what was going on, and said he will fix this and get me feeling better - guaranteed. I was ready to kiss this guy's ring! I've felt really crappy for a month, weight is falling off (which isn't necessarily a bad thing, but not this way!), bilirubin going through the sky, looking like the Easter Bunny dropped a pint of yellow paint on my head, etc. When I feel better, I truly hope to get back here posting. I'm thinking of you all and reading trying to keep up with what's going on with you all. I pray for us all, and hope everyone is hanging in there. Di

Sweet Lucie, have the happiest birthday ever! You are such an inspiration to us all. Much love to you on this special day. Di

Ok, so my job thing has stabilized for now, but I've felt so awful lately (acid reflux, sore belly) that I've just not felt like posting. I'll try to give this update as briefly as I can -- it's almost like a bad episode of the Keystone Kops in part! Last week, the Pulmonologist said he thinks I have a gallbladder problem. He did NOT think it was about cancer, but ran a liver profile (lab) and said we'd do a CT scan after that. They called me Monday, said my Lipase was "a little high," and he wanted me to go ahead and have the CT scan. I reported Monday afternoon for the scan. I waited 2 hours, and was told there were 3 ahead of me, one of the machines was down, and would I mind going across the street to the imaging center? NO!!! It was great -- I was the only one there at that hour so I got all the attention! My doc (Pulmonologist) is out of the office, so they arranged for me to see an associate after the scan. He tells me I have "multiple mets to my liver and pancreas." Oh brother. Did NOT want to hear that. Was ready to run to Addie's house and crawl in with her. Spent the evening trying to explain this to my sister, and what they would likely do, etc. Called the next morning to get into the Oncologist's immediately. After I wait there for a few hours, the doc finally comes in and says, "We are a little perplexed - why are you here?" So, I tell her the story of the lab work, the scan, etc. She shows me the report, and goes back over everything -- what they are reporting as liver "mets" are the very same lesions (hemangioma) that I've had from day one. Same place, same size, no activity at all - not ever. She thinks that they didn't know my history so were basing this off just what they saw on this one scan. She does NOT think there is any cancer. She agrees with the Pulmonlogist -- that there is something going on with my gallbladder causing it to be distended. So, I go this afternoon for an ultrasound of my belly, then a PET scan next week, and I see a gastroenterologist next Wednesday so will hopefully get some relief from my sore belly. At this point, looks like "something" in my gut, but we just don't know what. Looks good right now for it NOT being cancer, so that's good to know! Hope you are all hanging in there. I read every day, I just can't always muster up the energy to post. I think of you often, however. Di

In keeping with my mood and general feelings nowadays, I'll come as something generally disagreeable, irritating, totally unwelcome, and displeasing. A rash. Di (Still here, just not feeling too wordy these days.)