kim Posted October 17, 2004 Share Posted October 17, 2004 I am so happy to see all the wonderful outcomes for so many people, but in my sorrow, I keep asking myself,"Why not my mom? Why couldn't she have been free of her small cell CA?!" I know asking why will never give me the answer, but it just hurts to see all the good news for other people and my mom didn't get that far. I know now that she truely is cancer free for for she is perfect now, in the arms of the Lord, but it's such a fresh wound and it hurts so much! God forgive me for being so selfish!! I wish everyone here only the best, and pray for healing for all! I'm just having a hard day I guess. Thanks for letting me ramble, it helps to get it out. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kimblanchard Posted October 17, 2004 Share Posted October 17, 2004 I remember just a couple of weeks after Becky had died, and I had read somebody post bad news. They had been NED and the cancer had recurred, and I was jealous even of that. I am jealous of the stress of waiting for the oncologist to give test results. Because as stressful as is the waiting and as painful as is the bad news, at least it means we are still in the battle. So, Kim, don't feel bad, for I am worse. I am jealous even of the bad news. Curtis Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
patut Posted October 17, 2004 Share Posted October 17, 2004 Kim, I once heard someone say one of the hardest things for a woman is to lose her mother. I had a hard time with it too when I lost mine to a stroke. Then one night I turned on the radio and heard Carly Simon singing her song she wrote after she lost her own mother. The words made such sense to me that I'm sure my mom was responsible for me hearing them at that exact moment. It has been 10 years now and I still refer to the words for comfort. "I'll wait no more for you like a daughter, that part of our life together is over, But I will wait for you forever, like a river." May you too gain peace and comfort with the passing of each day. Cyndy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JoniRobertWilson Posted October 17, 2004 Share Posted October 17, 2004 Don't even think you're alone feeling like you are. I remember after Robert died I couldn't even read about people still fighting the disease. I wondered all the time, why couldn't Robert be one of the ones in remission - My mind and heart have experienced so many emotions but I guess I was shocked when I felt like I did - how can someone "old" have a better outcome than my 42 year old husband. Shame on me. But I realized I'm only human, as you are and it's only natural to feel tha way. I think I'm slowing moving away from those feelings. I read the obituaries now and see so many people our age. It's all a shame that we can't all live long healthy lives. I hope your pain lessens. I know it's a long hard journey. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
babesdaughter Posted October 18, 2004 Share Posted October 18, 2004 Kim....I've asked the same question so many times in the last two months....I see elderly people that are lonely and honestly want to die...and wonder why they stay and my Mom had to go. There are no answers.......I have to keep believing that everything happens for a reason. Today has been such a hard day for me, too.....just so sad. Miss my Mom with all of my heart, just like you. No answers, but very similar feelings......sorry you're sad. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kim Posted October 18, 2004 Author Share Posted October 18, 2004 Thanks everyone for you kind words. I had a dream about my mom last night and she kept trying to tell me it was really her, but I kept saying ,"No, you're gone, you're not real!" She just smiled and said "YES I am, I'll always be real." I woke up saying I'm sorry mom, I'm sorry for not believeing. I think now she was in my dream to tell me everything is real and that she will always be REAL even if it's only inside my heart, for now. I think the reality of her death has finally hit me, and I am so greatful to have your HUGH shoulders to cry on. Thanks for being here. Love and prayers to all, Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cathy Posted October 18, 2004 Share Posted October 18, 2004 Kim, What a beautiful dream..Now I am jealous Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ann Posted October 19, 2004 Share Posted October 19, 2004 Kim, it is so wonderful to see someone finally posting how they really feel about losing someone and coping with good news from others. Several of us here on the board have discussed these feelings PRIVATELY but have not been as open in our postings as you!!! Thank you so much for saying this. Although I am extremely happy when a member of this board has good news, there is always a part of me that asks..."why couldn't this have been Dennis?" I have come to believe that everything that happens to us here on earth is part of God's "mystery" plan for us and our lives. I heard something the other day that really made me stop and think. To make it brief, the thought was...what if the person we have lost was really our guardian angel for all these years??? I like that thought! If so, I had a really wonderful angel looking out for me for 26 years! Keeping you in my prayers Kim. Remember, grieving has very many stages! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lilyjohn Posted October 19, 2004 Share Posted October 19, 2004 Kim don't ever feel guilty about those feelings. As Ann has said we have dicussed it privately many times. One of the first emotions that I felt after the shock of Johnny's death wore off ( I should say eased because even now nearly two years later I think I am still in shock) was guilt. We feel guilty about things that we didn't say and about some things that we did. In my case I felt guilty abou things that I missed that I am sure could have not only made Johnny's last days easier but probably prolonged his life. When that feeling of why not Johnny would hit me my feelings of guilt became almost unbearable. Adding that to the other was just too much. Then I learned that I was not alone. I'm sure there is not one person here who has lost a loved one does not feel the same way at one time or another. Yes I am very happy when I see someone who is improved or find out there is NED but a part of my heart still crys out why not Johnny. We are human. We have lost one of the most important people in our lives and in many ways we have lost a part of ourselves. Not to feel that question whould be much more unnatural than feeling it is. There are some things that we will never know the answer to. That has been one of the hardest things for me to accept. Still I know that dispite my pain and loss I was blessed by the love of a very special person. I guess it is like in so many other things If we never know loss how will we recognize and appreciate what we have? If we never know pain how will we know joy? If we never know rain how can we appreciate the sun? Never feel guilty about asking why not your mom. That is the most natural and loving thing that you can do. It only proves how deep your love is for her and it does nothing to take away from the compassion you feel for others. You will learn that once you ask that question and get it out of the way your compassion and support for others will be even greater. I wish you peace of thoughts and joyfull memories of your mom and her love Lillian Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kim Posted October 20, 2004 Author Share Posted October 20, 2004 Thanks Ann, and Lillian, It was a really emotional day that day! I can't believe I said that looking back at it, but the feelings just came out. Each day gets just a little bit better, but it is still like she isn't gone. I almost have to remind myself everyday,"hey, don't forget now, Mom's in heaven, not at the house!" I heard a beautiful song the other day by Mercyme and it said, "I close my eyes and I see your face / If home is where my heart is then I'm out of place / Lord won't you give me strength to make it through somehow / I've never been more homesick then now." That says it for me in a nutshell. I'm homesick for my mom. I know that with each day the sorrow will fade and I'll have only beautiful memory till we see each other again. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Don Wood Posted October 20, 2004 Share Posted October 20, 2004 Kim, as others have said so well, it is natural to wonder why her, why now. I lost both my parents within a year of each other when I was in my early twenties. Although I moved on, I always had the empty space for them. I, too, had a vision about about six years ago -- I was in a meditation exercise and I saw both my parents smiling at me. They said, "We are so proud of you!" Well, I just bawled. So, yes, they are always with us in Spirit, checking in on us. Peace. Don Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fay A. Posted October 21, 2004 Share Posted October 21, 2004 Kim, I understand the sense of loss you feel. I still miss my Mom. But I really do view the world differently. When my Mom was battling Lung Cancer and had set back after set back, then passed away, I didn't ask why others were able to survive and she wasn't able to do so. I made the statement that "I wish my Mom could have lived." It acknowledges the grief I feel over losing her without taking away from the good fortune of others. Envy in all forms damages the soul. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
daggiesmom Posted October 21, 2004 Share Posted October 21, 2004 Kim, I understand you completely. I ask God everyday why he took my 23 year old daughter instead of me. We have no answer to some things. But I have faith that He has a reason and we will be reunited someday. i'll pray for you and you pray for me, ok? Joanie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kim Posted October 22, 2004 Author Share Posted October 22, 2004 Joanie, I will definately pray for you! I'm so sorry for the loss of your precious daughter. I have two boys, Nicolas(6yrs.), and Connor(4 yrs.). I don't know that I could go on if I lost either one of them. The only thing worse than loosing a parent or spouse, to me, would be loosing a child. I too believe that the Lord will bring us together again, and that is what I tell myself every day! God bless, Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kim Posted October 22, 2004 Author Share Posted October 22, 2004 Fay, I don't have any bad will towards anyone here, and I am greatful everyday when I see someone overcoming this horrible disease. I just can't help but be jelous of what they have. I work in a hospital and I see people fight for their lives every day and I know now what their family members are going through when they have to see them like that. I guess in a way my mom's passing is a learning experience for me. I now know first hand the greiving process a lot of people go through, and now maybe I can be of comfort for them and not feel awkward at the same time. I guess I just miss my mom, and I know that anger is a natural process of grieving. I'm not angry that others are doing well, just that my mom didn't get to do THAT well. Praying for everyone here, Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fay A. Posted October 25, 2004 Share Posted October 25, 2004 Kim, I have a relative who is so bitter.....13 plus years after the death of my Mother. He still asks "...why didn't Robbie get to live?" And it has colored the way he views everything and everyone all this time. I know you don't wish anyone ill, Kim. I just didn't want you to be like this relative of mine. He's so unhappy. He makes these comparisons about people. He'll say "This one is mean as a snake and they get to live and your Mom didn't."...or "This one is selfish and they get to live and someone like your Mom dies." He wasn't like this before her death. And what he is doing does not honor her memory. Lung Cancer (or any other illness) isn't a punishment and long life isn't a reward. I didn't mean to be come across as harsh, Kim. I was worried that you might fall into the trap my relative has fallen into. Not a good place to go. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kim Posted October 25, 2004 Author Share Posted October 25, 2004 Thanks Fay for your concern; you are a truely caring person! I look at all of these wonderful people here and pray everyday for healing for everyone. My mom was 64 yrs. old and she once told me she could die happy knowing she saw all of her kids grown up and doing well. I am begining to understand that it WAS her time, and that I should just be happy for the time we had because there are so many little children out there loosing their moms and they're only babies! My mom would have wanted it this way; if her dying would keep one more mother here on this earth so she could see her children grow as she did then her death was worth it to her. I will always miss her, but with God's help I keep telling myself that we are only separated in the physical aspect of it all, that spiritually we ARE always together. A lot of positive thing have happen in my life since her passing, so I guess she's still taking care of me from the other side! Thanks again Fay for your concern, I wrote that because I didn't want you to think I was like that relative you were talking about. God bless! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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