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Thoughts in the middle of the night....more join us


Justakid

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Here I am up again in the middle of the night....wonder if I'll ever sleep again!

Been catching up on the board, hard to post comments, too emotional (again!) :cry: No particular reason, just the cancer thing!

Cancer just seems to be everywhere, before dx I didn't hear about it much, now it's all I hear about.

Close friends husband has colon cancer, co-workers mother-in-law has LC, aunts friend has LC, co-worker has ovarian cancer, co-worker has ovarian cancer that has spread to every vital organ, son's teacher's mother just died from lc, co-workers cousin has lc but it's been since 1980!....the list just keeps growing. Guess everyone feels compelled to talk to me about it since I have cancer.

It's fine that they are comfortable talking to me, and I would do anything to help them. Just not to sure about this new normal yet. Seems I can't escape this cancer problem everyday.

All those I have found out have lc, I have passed out the address and begged them to come here, been keeping an eye on the new comers to see who comes in.

Just reflecting on all those with lc and other forms that I have heard of lately. May God help us all in 2005 AND give us the strength to help ourselves. Guess it's the season that makes me sentamental (sp? - too late to do it right :) )

Gonna rest before I have to go to work (ick!). Merry Christmas everyone!

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hey Justa,

They will stop talking to you about cancer after your hair grows back in.

Guarantees! They look at your nubbles and zits and think...."cancer" and before you know it their mouth is in gear and the story starts out good, and they will tell you the kind, and where they had gone for treatment, and then they will say I forget some parts, but then they ususally die in the end....

Can't tell you how many people started out telling me their stories...even strangers. I would just say...oh, that's too bad... oh my...too young..tsk tsk tsk. And then they realize what they just said to me and the shock comes over them and then they say, but you have such a great attitude, you are going to survive this. And then I would say, yeah with prayers....say wouldja mind? And then they are always happy to do that.

Now I hardly ever hear about it cuz I got all this thick hair!

Now get to bed!

Love, Cindi

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my hair grew back and people still put there feet in there mouth

i was at a party this weekend all i wanted to do was crawl in a dark corner and disapear. i cant tell you how many people came up to me and said stupid things. i know its because they dont know what to say but it still made me feel like crying. i almost did several times. not sure if the person could see i was welling up :lol: i am trying to desensitize myself from these thoughtless remarks "you look great" thats nice cause every day there is something that hurts,nausea from the meds that take care of what hurts,and constant worrying the beast will come back. and "your hair looks great" I'm glad you think so. i stoped coloring my hair upon dx after loosing most of it, it has grown back all gray i am 47 yrs old and look 100. im greatfull my hair is back but i by no means feel attractive. but thanks for telling me my hair looks great. or how about

" how are you feeling" do you REALY want to know...... i dont think so. I had one woman who cornered me and repeatedly asked that question.heres the conversation

hi great to see you - great to see you

how are you - great

really - yea great

you look great - thank you

your hair looks great - thank you

how are you feeling - great

no really how are you feeling - big fake grin great

you sure your feeling ok - yea great

so what now - nothin

realy nothing - yea

i feel great

then i politely said - i'm hungry - to get away from her

my daughter was standing next to me and heared me away from this woman

this woman did not get it that i came to this party to have fun not talk about my cancer, how i looked, how i felt ,or what my drs were doing

after that party i dont want to go to another one

I am hosting a party on sunday

i swear if anyone brings it up i am going to burst into tears :cry:

i just want to have fun and talk about the weather

which by the way is very cold!!!!!!

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I guess there most be something wrong with me. I want people to ask me about how I am feeling. I admit I don't want our entire conversation to be about cancer but I just don't mind them asking. In fact, there is a person that I know pretty well, and last Christmas I wrote what had happened to me on the Christmas card and this year I get a card from her stating that she hoped I was doing better and had heard nothing from her all this year. Now that bothered me. We live 30 miles apart.

I think it is more of my immediate family who doesn't want to talk about it that much. Maybe that is why when someone asks me; I give them the whole story and then if they really don't want to hear about it, they won't ask me again. I guess I am using these folks as my outlet since there are so many people who don't want to talk about it at all.

I have a friend whose husband has cancer of the pancreas, liver and other places and has 3 to 6 weeks and I can't make myself go over there. Can you believe it? So now, what is wrong with me. Don't be too honest. Marion

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I have a friend whose husband has cancer of the pancreas, liver and other places and has 3 to 6 weeks and I can't make myself go over there. Can you believe it? So now, what is wrong with me. Don't be too honest.

Marion,

You're human. I believe people are afraid of their own mortality and being with someone and knowing that they are dying puts that fear into people. Illogically, we think that by avoiding someone enjoying their last days will make ours longer - or something like that.

Plus, that particular good-bye is so very final...and sad.

Take care, follow your heart - that'd be the one that makes you feel bad about not visiting....visit while you can.

Becky

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Hey Beth,

I am so tired of the well wishes. People mean well, but say the darnest things.... like, "Is it bad?"..."I hope you make it."....I know someone who once had cancer..." People feel akward. Is it my place to make the feel comfortable?...Maybe it is.

People didn't expect me to be here still. I didn't expect me to be here still. Live like you normally would! I still work, shop for clothes, make plans. Life goes on. Live in the now! Nobody knows when their time is up, not even the expert doctors. Sadly, some dear people I know have passed from this earth into the next realm. They had know idea. That is sad. I guess you are never really ready for death, but I try to live each day as if it were my last. I tell everyone that "I love them", and take nothing for granted. We all must die someday, but for now live, live, live!!! Please p.m., me whenever you need to.

Much Love,

Cheryl

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I hope it's ok for a caregiver to jump in here with some observations.

For me, I notice there are some people that ask me every single time they see me how my husband is doing, and I can just tell they are waiting for the hammer to drop. I can also tell they are very surprised when I say how well he is doing.

There are others that ask me and I know that their question is out of love and concern. They will actually stop, listen intently, and frequently tell me that they still have my husband on their prayer list, how sorry they are that we are having to deal with it, etc.

My husband just simply doesn't want anybody to ask, and has given some pretty snippy responses. I do know, though, that he has had conversations with some others at work who are fighting cancer, and has even talked to a young man whose father has lc and told him all about himself. I guess it's comfortable for him to talk to others who are experiencing the same thing, but maybe he just doesn't want to gab about it with those he thinks just want to hear bad news and run and tell it to everybody.

Love,

Peggy

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On the other side of the coin, I've had an amazing number of people (mostly volunteers that I work with) come and tell me their stories of being cancer survivors, for 5, 10, 20 years or more. I was astonished at how many of them had been through cancer and came out on the other side, and they were so pleased to be able to share with me their success stories as a way of giving me hope and support. I've found these people to be much more common than those who want only to hear tales of woe. Maybe I've just been lucky with the people who have chosen to talk with me about it, and for that I'm grateful. People seem to want to give me nothing but positive messages - they've been truly amazing!

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I remember a similar conversation on a post awhile back about how different we all are. Some of us feel a need to always talk about the cancer; others don't want people knowing at all. Some of us (like me) want people to ask all the time how my mom is; others don't want that at all. I guess it just goes to show you how different we all are.

I am not sure why, but if people I have not seen or talked to for awhile don't ask how my mom is, I almost feel like they don't care.

As for Beth's original post---I am feeling that way too, it seems that EVERYONE seems to have cancer. I even made up a silly song that annoys Brian about it :):) It just is all over, everywhere. It especially is bad for extremely neurotic people, hence my visit to my dr tomorrow to restart on Zoloft.

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Beth:

I don't know if there is a rise in the number of those dx. with cancer--or if it is an occurance with us getting older and now we know people who are getting ill...or if it is because we are so very aware of it now that our lives have been touched by cancer in some way- we're on the lookout for it! Almost as if before my dad's dx., we lived with blinders on and cancer was a dirty word that was never spoken and it was something that happened to other people...never us...so why even think about it...

I think that mindset is why alot of people shy away from people when they are dx. Sure it's a comparable mortality thing too, but knowing someone who has been dx. with cancer makes it all too real...makes you think that you aren't so untouchable and that life may throw you a curve ball as well. Alot of people disappeared after my dad was dx. Out of sight out of mind, I guess.

Close to the Edge / everyone else:

I was a half-&-half person. I wanted to forget about the cancer as much as I could and exist on hope and helping my dad....but boy I was rubbed the wrong way when people didn't ask about my dad or come by to visit with him. Like Andrea, I thought that if you asked- it meant that you cared.

Looking back, I guess what I really wanted was true compassion, not pitty. I wanted true concern, not someone asking about my dad's health out of obligation. I wanted the asker to listen beyond "how is your dad" as if they truely cared to hear the truth- not a stock "he's doing ok" answer. I guess what I wanted was for only those who wanted to talk and who wanted the truth to ask the questions...and all the others not to ask about him at all or even pretend to care.

There's alot I can say about it looking back.

As someone on the flip-side of this disease, here is how I personally go about it. I do see and talk to cancer patients very often. I ask them what kind of day they are having and take cues on which direction they want the conversation to go. Sometimes it's all about the weather! Sometimes I walk away with a life story, some laughs and some tears.

I think people can be more intuitive if they tried. I think if people really cared they would take their cues from you on what you may or may not want to talk about. If not, then I think you / we should tell them, teach them, let them know what you need, what you want and don't want.

Life is too short anyway to let others dictate the course for you. Try not to be bothered with someone whose words and choice of conversation ruined the party for you. (I hope she isn't invited to your party! LOL!)

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katieb

you are very right in many ways

and yes i can tell true concern

but this thoughtless woman was clearly looking for gossip

this is a woman i have known for 20 years she never called, sent a card flowers, nothing and then at this party she wants me to get personal about my cancer... she didnt care enough when i was at my lowest during treatment why all of a sudden at this party is she my confiedant

and no she is not invited to my party

it is such a fine line to right and wrong in a sticky situation

but personaly as a patient i dont want to talk about it!!!!!!!

i dont want to go over it again and again what i went thru

i am happy to have all that behind me

i want to focus on the positive and be happy while i still can

because everything could change again for the worse overnight

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