stand4hope Posted January 18, 2005 Share Posted January 18, 2005 LOL! I think we're going to have everybody paranoid about saying the wrong thing to a grieving person. Folks, just love them and don't worry about whether you say the right thing or not. Just say what you can think of, give them a hug and know that you did your best. Use these tips if you remember, but if you don't, don't worry about it. There are some words that probably "don't help", but I don't think they hurt, either. Like someone said here, not much helps because it just hurts so bad. I disagree only on one point. I do think that saying "I'm sorry" is very adequate. When you just don't know what to say, I'm sorry will take care of it. And I strongly agree on another thing: Not saying anything at all DOES hurt. Love to all, Peggy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SDianneB Posted January 19, 2005 Share Posted January 19, 2005 Becky said this, in part: "I don't think people are taught how to grieve "properly" nor are we taught how to ease someone's grief nor actively support them." Truer words have never been written. I agree, Becky. It's hard to fault people who are groping and trying to just DO something to help you, yet not really knowing what to do or what to say. Been there, done that. In the south, the tradition is food -- lots of it. Just cover the people in food. Enough for days. And some of the people stay in the shadows heating it up, serving it, cleaning up, keeping the coffee pot full, etc. It's like things have a life of their own, and these acts are somehow scripted to occur whenever one of their own passes away. And then when a week or so has passed, you take the empty dishes to the church and leave them in the kitchen for each person who brought something to pick up, until it's time for the next casserole to be made for the next grieving family. And so it goes. When we're little girls, we are brought into this tradition at a certain age, and we observe our mothers and sisters and aunts, and when we are old enough, we take part in the hustle and bustle behind the scenes. God help us when we ourselves lose our dad, and watch these same people doing the same things for us as we've done for them. It's people, sticking together, holding on to the memories and sharing emotions and holding up our friends and loved ones when they are so exhausted it seems as though they can't make it another day. One of the sweetest things said to me when my own dad died many years ago was from one of his patients -- an elderly woman with diabetes. My dad had literally kept her from having both feet amputated for many years, and she just didn't know what was going to happen to her now that he wasn't going to be around. With tears in her eyes, she looked at me and said, "Honey, your father was such a treasure to the world." Wow. Di Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kimmek Posted January 19, 2005 Share Posted January 19, 2005 Being from the South, there is nothing more true, than what Di said about the food. I have been to really very few funerals for a 42 yr old woman, but they have all been about the food, the church, etc. When my husband died we didnt really belong to a church, but you never would have known that. The food came for days, from people I have no idea even today who they were. I just assumed it is this way everywhere, didnt know it was a "southern" thang. Kim Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rosegarden Posted January 20, 2005 Share Posted January 20, 2005 How about "At least she's not suffering anymore" Grrrr I get that one a lot. I know people mean well, but excuse me, I wish my mom had never suffered to begin with. She never did ANYTHING cruel to ANYONE. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marie's girl Posted January 21, 2005 Share Posted January 21, 2005 What a great thread. I agree "I am sorry for your loss" is so coined. It doesn't sound sincere. I have a friend who wrote...."I hope you find the strength to face each day. I am wishing you sunshine throughout the day and sweet memories at night." I found this to be very comforting. Paddy, I too had a friend slip a $100 dollar bill in my purse. It is exactly what my mom used to do. What I usually do for close friends is send them a CD with some carefully selected spiritual songs or songs like "The Dance" and Josh Groban songs. I also have a favorite book....."Tear Soup" for very close friends. It is a MUST HAVE!!!! If the friend has children I include the book "The Next Place". My son when he was only 8 told me something many years ago which I use often when a friend loses a loved one. He said I am sad Mr....... died but I feel really bad for the people who never met him. We are the lucky ones...he was our friend. Love, Elaine Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rosie Posted January 22, 2005 Share Posted January 22, 2005 My sister's "almost" ex, told my sister... are you ready for this... "Why are you still upset about it... it's been four months!" Can you believe that? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anais Posted January 22, 2005 Author Share Posted January 22, 2005 What a terrible comment... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rosegarden Posted January 24, 2005 Share Posted January 24, 2005 My friend --I'll call her "S" --'s brother was stabbed last year. He died as a result from his injury, and he was only 22. A few months later, my other friend, "T" asked why "S" was so upset. My friend "C" said, um, because of her brother? "T" said, "Oh, THAT. I thought it was something new." Some people will NEVER "get it" when it comes to grieving. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rosie Posted January 25, 2005 Share Posted January 25, 2005 Ack! Sometimes people can be so unsensitive. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ann Posted January 26, 2005 Share Posted January 26, 2005 It's really amazing how people don't seem to stop and think about what they're saying at times. I have been guilty of saying the wrong thing at times, just because I felt I needed to say something. Since losing Dennis, I try and guard my words a little more carefully, as I now know how cold and calculating things may sound. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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