Is it time to go to bed yet?

[kimblanchard]

Ginny said it all so well. Thank you. Here is how it is for me.

Two weeks. About mid-afternoon, I run out of interest to do anything much. I go to bed as soon as reasonable, pretty early, not that I go to sleep. Hard to fall asleep, hard to stay asleep. Many thoughts. Plus, I am used to getting up lots of times to check on my husband. I lay in bed and turn on the TV, can't get comfortable, toss and turn. Get up and take something, it might work, might not. The first week was a whirl, many things to take care of, people all over the place. Everyone was just great. But even then, I didn't cook, didn't clean, just did what I had to, at first. It's like I forgot to do those things. My son mentioned something about how he had been looking forward to my meatloaf. I realized - I should cook, so then I started. He was happy to see that meatloaf. But even then, the days were long, the days seemed strangely empty, and I wondered, is it time to go to bed yet? Now, the people have cleared. There are still phone calls and some errands, some paperwork, just getting started on the paperwork. I don't even feel like doing it but I need to get it done. Some companies and all, I just notified this week. Some I haven't notified yet at all. Not all the bills are here yet, anxious to see the bills, so I can assess just where I am financially. At first there was fog and numbness. At first I just felt really strange, like an alien, out of place. And missing him is creeping in. I guess it is time. I won't dwell on that. You know. I know I have far to go on that. I don't cry all that much and that kind of worries me. Maybe too soon. Things do seem empty. I am avoiding people, just for a few days. I need a few days. Thank goodness for the two dogs, they need fed and walked, they impose a sort of schedule. I can't indulge myself too much when I have responsibilities. I am going to the doctor soon for checkups, I will ask for something for sleep then.

And another strange thing. What is also gone is the disease. I am not fighting cancer any more. That disease was taking up a big hunk of space around here. That too is kind of disorienting. I have a medicine cabinet full of left-overs, stuff for just about any condition you could name. Do I pitch them out? Maybe wait a while in case I need them? Stuff in the fridge that I will never personally eat. Pitched that. Moved some furniture around. Just put away other stuff that was in the way. Threw it in the already desparate looking basement. A whole year of this fight, now recovery from a whole year of that priority, cleaning up all the messes I didn't have time for, as well as everything else. I can do it, of course. It is just a bunch of things I really didn't think of before. Grocery shopping. I find I don't need much. I have tons of stuff in cupboards and all. Do I really need a deep freeze any more? Well, I already have it. I might need it sometimes. Who knows, one of the grandkids might end up living here or who knows. I don't know the future. It is just really strange now. So I am just sitting around in the strange, doing things as they need doing. Just wanted to share. I know it will take a long time. Everyone tells me that. Things are going as well as possible, I think.

Someone here said to me - he is safe now. I just love that idea and it feels right to me. He is safe in Heaven. I am getting things in order around here. Just sharing. (I have got to read back and see who said that, it was perfect and so comforting.) Like Ginny, I still feel like I belong here. I think I do. It is a continuim. I am still in it, just on a different part of the curve.

Love, Margaret

[patut]

I hear you Margaret. I find I have to plan ahead my weekends so I'm not sitting at home thinking about it all the time. Tonight I called my daughter and invited myself to her place for supper (which I took over-- would you believe lasagnia I had frozen from the time of the funeral back in December?) After a wonderful evening I was able to return home and relax and actually enjoy my home and two kitties. Fixed a nice fire in the woodstove like my hubbie taught me, and now it's warm and cozy throughout the house. Now I'm on my first vacation alone from school and have to plan a whole week of activities for myself.

So I hear you Margaret. It helps to know that I am not alone going through this. There are a few of us here in the same boat, I see.

My best to you.

Cyndy

[ginnyde]

Yes, unfortunately we are here, this small group brought together in sadness. I am not sad about being alone, I can do this well. I easily entertain myself, reading, computer, needlework. I am blessed with friends and family that keep me busy.

But Margaret, I too go to bed way too early. Fortunately, I can sleep mostly. I keep the TV on so if I wake it is not to total darkness and silence.

The absolute worse is missing Earl. That's it, just missing him.

My realtor told me yesterday that the purchase of my new place and the sale of this house has gone smoother than any other sale she has handled in 35 years. She is a friend and knew Earl. She told me that she is sure that Earl oversaw the whole thing so that I would have no problems. He always did that and it is comforting to have a little hope that he continues to take care of me.

Margaret and Cyndy, this is a sorority I wish I did not belong to, but the wisdom and kindness you both exhibit offer me solace and comfort.

[SBeth]

Margaret,

I'm so sorry. I can feel your pain and your grief in these posts just as I could feel your love and comfort in your posts before Jim passed away. As always, I find hope and strength in your words. You are an inspiration to all of us, especially those of us who are the caregivers! Thank you and God bless you.

[glo]

Hi, Margaret -

Just wanted to say "I'm here -- sitting around in the strange" with all of you. Unique and very appropriate way to put it. Thanks for the description.

Yes, most days it is a little less strange now, but it comes back strong sometimes. I really relate to having to decide what to keep and what to change -- no longer buying the same food, etc.

Like Ginny, I too can usually sleep -- for which I'm very grateful. I probably sleep too much because it's a safe hiding place. I don't go to bed early, but doze on the couch watching TV later than I ever used to do. Then fall into bed and sleep soundly -- most nights.

And like Cyndi, I need to plan my weekends or I will drift aimlessly through the house from TV to computer to TV to snacking just waiting for bedtime and oblivion.

Sending you prayers and good vibes, all.

[stand4hope]

Love,

Peggy

[sharyn]

You women have given me some valuable insight into what my Mom is going through....

She tries to explain it to me.... and although I understand, your words have somehow made it much more clear to me... what you describe is what she is trying to describe to me... The way she looks forward to bedtime so she can sleep and forget what has happened.... she says its her only escape... There are so many common feelings you are all sharing.

The one thing that has effected me so strongly is what was said about "not having cancer in your life anymore".... I never realized how much time I put into just "thinking" about this disease and how to help Daddy get the best possible care etc. When he passed... I felt like "okay, now what do I do?" I almost left these boards because I felt my time here was over, I am so glad I didn't do that..... I am slowly filling those voids with other things.... some worthwhile, some just mindless time fillers (like crocheting 15 friggin scarves)....

I want to thank you all for sharing your deep feelings, you will touch more lives than you can imagine.... and yes, Now they are all "safe"... Love you... Sharon

[patut]

Well Sharon, your post made me realize what my own daughters are going through. Only yesterday one of them broke down for a moment as we were having a memory together. My sons have their own ways of dealing with it - mostly anger I think.

That comment on how the disease is no longer in our house is interesting because it is actually a plus for me. It allows me to be able to start living my next part of my life in a new way. That part of our life together is over, yet he lives on here every day with us and we will love him forever.

Cyndy

[Ann]

My dear Margaret...what an accurate and touching dose of reality. I am still "in the strange" two years later. Life has gone on and many things are now more of a memory than a reality, but life as I now know it is very strange and very different. Two years ago, I hated the night. I hated going to bed, as the darkness brought the reality of being alone in a big empty bed. Now, many things in my life have changed. But...I now look forward to the night, as it brings sleep. Now, sleep often brings dreams and I live for these dreams. Sometimes these freams of Dennis are very clear and I remember them vividly when I awake in the morning. Then there are mornings that I know I have dreamed but have no memory what the dream was about but had the feeling that Dennis was with me. Reading your words brought back such a rush of memories of things I said, did and fe3lt in the days after Dennis died. Cooking was a big thing for me. It seemed like it had been forever since I had cooked. I found myself cooking meals and taking them to my neighbors for dinner. Anything that would fill time. Like Ginny said, we are all sisters of this sorority. It is a group that none of wish to be a member of but for some reason God chose to initiate us into this sorority. I pray for each of us daily and am confident that God will give us the strength and peace to continue on!!!

[J.C.]

Margaret,

How true, I'm still rattling around after 16 months,

I do volunteer work 2 afternoons a week and I see

some friends, have hobbies, but the house is empty

even when people are with me.

Never been a good sleeper, still I try to go to bed

earlier than usual, just in case, but my book is always

by my hand when I wake up during the night.

Under my eyes there is always the saying from Lao-Tzu;

*Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength.

Loving someone deeply gives you courage.*

And I keep on.

J.C.

[Andrea]

Margaret,

You could be a writer, that was so beautifully written. My heart goes out to you.

[daggiesmom]

What you write about is so true. It is the classic signs and movement thru grief. Life and death is so hard. Feeling lost, alone, wondering why this happened, how will you get thru it all, bills, emptiness, thinking about what your loved one would want you to do. I guess that is part of life, missing the ones we loved so much. My daughter would have been 25 on February 25th. She is gone 18 months now. Seems like yesterday. I can't believe I haven't spoken to her in 18 months. Her clothes are still in the closet, clothes still in the drawers. I don't cry as much, but at least once a day I do. But I know she's happy with God. This I can feel in my heart. I just miss her so much. So Friday, I'll try to celebrate her life, just as you should should celebrate you husband's life - he would want you to. He would want you to be happy. I think you'll pull thru, slowly but surely. Prayers for us all.

Joanie

[cathyjack]

I too am going thru the "strange". It just seems so unreal, and my heart is broken for the years we won't have. We used to talk about our future and growing old together, I don't know how many times I told Jack that I was looking forward to us growing old together. It has been 2 months, I feel worse now than I did at first. I went back to work after only 2 weeks. I don't know if that was such a good idea.

I can relate to everything ya'll are saying, It seems grief is differernet yet the same for everyone. This is a sad club we have here girls, but I am glad we can "talk" . I don't feel comfortable doing that with anyone else. I am praying for us all.

Cathy

[kimblanchard]

Hello, dear ones, I want you to know I read all of this and I appreciate it. I see so much that happens happens to us all. Just a little more info for those who need it.

Cremation - did everything we wanted, cost was about $2500, not bad at all. Burial will be in July, a family reunion. VA is buying his marker, funeral director can arrange that. Memorial donations - about $600, VFW, library, trees in Israel, and soon to be I will add some $ from me and send to the health clinic on an Indian Reservation. That will be his main memorial. He would like that. Clothes - gone to make quilts for family members. Will - no need for probate, fill out some papers and let them sit, fyi - get property in both names beforehand with rights of survivorship, saves a lot of trouble. Insurance - in progress, seems pretty easy, found a small extra policy we didn't even know about at the credit union. Dogs - extra walks, plus I find that if I seem steady and keep them on a schedule, they don't quite get it, so it seems like that is sparing them some problems. Doctor - more than happy to give me Ambien and it works. Checking into a bereavement group that meets in the library.

All the rest, pretty much the same. Reading books on widowhood and grief and they do seem to help. Watching a lot of DVDs and listening to Soundscape music 838 on Directv, soothing, and seems to put the canines to sleep. TV not interesting right now. Doing thank yous daily as things come in, easier that way. I hear the grieving does get worse later, then gets better. I sure do miss him. I talk to him all the time. Accepting dinner invites. Time still looms large, I think I function better by making lists and assigning certain things to certain days. I also keep a running list of what business I took care of and when, better than trying to remember.

Much love, Margaret

[Ann]

Glad to hear you're hanging in here with us, Margaret. It seems all of the legal issues are rolling very smoothly for you, thank goodness! Yep...you have to love that Ambien. I used to feel better just to know I could take a little pill and sleep the night away. Heck, half a pill was fine for me. A whole one used to really knock me on my butt really fast. I really enjoyed reading about some of your memorial ideas. Really creative thinking and planning on your part. Dennis was also cremated and I still have his ashes with me, two years down the road. We talk a lot about scattering them but for now, I am comforted knowing they are here with me. I'm keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. Keep in touch!!!