stephnewyork34 Posted March 8, 2005 Share Posted March 8, 2005 Well it has been almost a year since Mom passed and I didn't think I could feel any worse than I have been all year, and wham! it hits me. I can't stop crying. I feel weak and tired, and I am soo depressed. Some of you know I am moving back to the States in April and I got a job in AZ, the idea of being there without Mom terrifies me. I don't think I am strong enough to handle it. Sat was my birthday and my stepfather, and my sister didn't call me, and I felt sooo alone, I can't even tell you. My Mom, who couldn't sing a note, always called and sang happy birthday to me, and last year she said she would take me out to lunch when I came to visit her in about 3 weeks, well 3 weeks later she was gone. Everyone, including Mom, always said I am the strong one, and I can handle anything, well I don't feel like I can handle this. I don't sleep anymore. The good news is that I am working like 80 hrs a week and that keeps me busy, but what am I going to do on the 27th? Not only is it Easter it is the day, and I am going to be a lone in DK and it is all getting to me. Okay enough pity party, but I am just sad and I need to vent because I can't talk to my family, and I have already lost two best friends because of it, so I keep it all in. thanks for listening, Steph PS as soon as I get back home I will be online every day and I am still starting a walk, but I wish I didn't have to. I want my Mom back. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ann Posted March 8, 2005 Share Posted March 8, 2005 Stephanie, I am so very sorry you are having such a rough time. However, it is good to hear that you will be back joining us every day when you're back in the states. Special dates are really hard for many of us. As you can see in my post, I'm having a hell of a time dealing with my upcoming anniversary and this will be the third one alone. Let's say we have a great big pity party together and invite everyone here to join us??? It's very good to hear from you. Here's a big (((((((((Hug)))))))). Maybe that will help a bit. I'm a mom to three grown boys so maybe I can be your cyber-mom! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
J.C. Posted March 8, 2005 Share Posted March 8, 2005 Stephanie, It will be good to have you back in the States, Happy Birthday, even if late, Some dates are hard to face but we have to manage to live through them. Will be thinking of you. J.C. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shelliemacs Posted March 8, 2005 Share Posted March 8, 2005 Steph, wow wow wow, i am living the same hell. I miss my mom terribly. we burried my mom on my birthday and I ended up not celebrating it anymore. It has been 16 months since I lost my mom and 8 months since I lost dad. the overwhelming depression, and utter sadness comes in waves. I tried unsuccessfully for the last 3 weeks to come off the anti-depressants thinking I just had to grow up, face it and stand on my own again, but alas I failed miserable at it and last friday I started on the anti-depressants again. I don't know when it will start to feel better, maybe it never will, maybe we just have this huge scar over our hearts and we learn to live with it and in that state or "never quite reaching happiness" I really don't know. It hasn't happened for me yet to smile with ease, or laugh without sadness thinking mom sure would have loved this or that. now I am just going through the motions and everyone tells me one day happiness will come back, maybe we will get there together, ps I not only moved back to moms city, i bought her house thinking it would ease my guilt of living away for so long and that maybe I would feel comfort or feel her around. boy was I wrong. house is going on the market in the spring if I have anything to say about it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sharyn Posted March 8, 2005 Share Posted March 8, 2005 Steph, I am so sorry you are having such a bad time. I know how much you must miss Mom, especially on your birthday... There is nothing I can say to make it easier, just know I am thinking of you ... and I am here in CT singing Happy Birthday to your (pretty badly also!!!). Love, Sharon Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stephnewyork34 Posted March 9, 2005 Author Share Posted March 9, 2005 Thanks everyone, and it does make it better. maybe I need anti depressents, I never thought about it. well for now, I will just try to get through it little by little and when I am home, I think it may better. It is great to know you ar all here for me. huggles. Steph Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Snowflake Posted March 9, 2005 Share Posted March 9, 2005 Stephanie, I'm going to gather the moms together here....hang on, we are cramming into the little box...see us? Okay, ready, moms? Tuning note: HMMMMMMMmmmmmmm Hap-py birth-day to you, Hap-py birth-day to you, Hap-py birth-day, dear Steph-a-nie Hap-py birth-day to you. Hey, who let Frank in with the moms? I wondered which mom was the bass voice! I'm sorry you had a crappy birthday, I'm sorry your sleep is disrupted and you are heading toward a collision with the depression train. I'm really glad to hear that you will be back in the U.S. in April AND have a job lined up, too. When you get back, see a doctor about the depression and anxiety - and join a gym! Take kick boxing...tai chi... SOMETHING to get out all that stored up crap and let the "old you" have someplace to return to. xxoo, Becky P.S. You may not even need the drugs, just some proactive interference with "the bad stuff". Time is an ally when dealing with grief, as well. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
janetg Posted March 9, 2005 Share Posted March 9, 2005 Here's to hoping that things will get much better for you very soon. Just being able to vent probably has helped. It always amazes me that family members sometimes just don't get it. You're probably the one who always thinks of family and special days and notable occasions etc. I used to get very disappointed with my brothers and sister when they didn't jump in to check in on my parents or call to ask how a drs. appointment went. That's almost made me go "mad." I'm beginning to realize that it's about "expectations." It helps because I now don't expect them to do certain things and my blood pressure stays under control. You know who the people are you can count on. I'm sorry you have had so many disappointments particularly now when you're dealing with so much. Take care. Janet Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kim Posted March 9, 2005 Share Posted March 9, 2005 Hang in there Stephanie, we're here for you. And as for anti-depressants, mine has helped me a lot! I can sleep now, and I don't cry at the drop of a hat. I worry about you working so many hrs., don't get yourself into trouble. I know if you keep busy you don't have to think about "things", but working yourself like a dog isn't going to make anything go away. I, by the way, sang Becky's happy birthday song to you, and it's probably a good thing you couldn't hear me! It was probably me, not Frank, in the back that you heard Becky!! Anyway, if you ever need to vent, you know that place is right here! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stephnewyork34 Posted March 9, 2005 Author Share Posted March 9, 2005 Hello again, Thanks for all the words of wisdom and I think you are all right. I knwo working out helps me. Yoga is great and running. and I don't think I will take drugs, but it just had never occured to me. When my stepbrother died a few years ago, I couldn't sleep for like 2 weeks so I got some Ambien for like 4 days and that got me back on track. I was talking to a co-worker at lunch today and she also agrees that when I get home and get back involved in my life, and starting the walk for Mom, it will help. I also think that I have been hiding from it and going home, especially to AZ will force me to let it out. Anyhow, thanks again, You guys are the best. PS it was probably Mom singing not Frank, she had the worst voice (sorry Mom) but I loved her little birthday songs to me. heheheehe. I can hear her now. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Debaroo Posted March 10, 2005 Share Posted March 10, 2005 Stephanie, Let me begin by wishing you a happy belated birthday. I am so sorry that you have been feeling so alone. It might sound weird, but I miss your mom, too. I think I've posted before about how much JudyB meant to me. I realize now, as a mother myself, that your birthday is not only your celebration, but it is a celebration for your mother. She brought you into this world, and that immediate, unconditional love that is so overwhelming is created-and I just want you to know that I believe that you should think of yourself as that extention of your mother-you are so much a part of her-she lives on through you. I hope that your move to AZ is a smooth one. Sometimes trying to keep busy works against you. You're trying to subdue some pretty intense feelings-and you should let yourself feel them. Sometimes a good cry and talking outloud to my dad makes me feel closer to him. I actually talk to him alot, when the kids do something that I know he'll get a kick out of, and I know he knows. Just like your Mom does. I really believe that. She'll be with you when you move. When she creeps into your thoughts, she's probably nearby. Please take care, and remember we're here. Deb Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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