My happy place

[Guest Lensiedel]

I've been having a very difficult time the last few weeks and I'm not sure what to do about it. It's become impossible for me to visit denial, my happy place. My husband continues to deteriorate, he gets weaker and weaker. There are no more treatment options. I'm grateful for every day we have together, but it's so hard to just rejoice in it. Instead I feel as if I'm grieving all of the time. Most of the time I'm upbeat around him, but I'm having such a hard time holding it together everywhere else. I have 4 more weeks of work and then 11 weeks off. I don't know whether I should keep working or just be home with him because our time is running short. Unfortunately we need my income to live. If it looks as if he won't make it the 4 weeks I'll take off and worry about the money later. I feel so torn about what to do. I think we'll be starting with hospice next week, and hopefully they'll be able to help me with this. And I'm not sure what to tell my children. My 2 oldest know what's happening, they're 19 and 21. But my 3 youngest are only 9, 10 and 12. They know he's very sick, but I haven't told them he's going to die. He may have 2 or 3 months left and I don't want that hanging over their heads. I'm waiting until the end is very near to tell them. Am I wrong? I feel as if I'm falling apart bit by bit, and by the time this is over there won't be anything left but a shell. I'm so absolutely terrified. I'm so tired of everyone saying how well I'm doing and how strong I am. I don't want to be strong. Any advice for me before I go off the deep end? Sure, like I have time for that!

[Don Wood]

I am sorry to hear your husband is in this condition. I would try to be with him as much as your circumstances allow. And, you have your children. Rely on them for support -- they are all old enough to do that. Use this website to vent, ask questions, get support. But also reach out to at least one or two friends you can trust and rely on to help you through this. My best to you. Don

[Snowflake]

Wendy,

You'd be surprised what kids know. They see what is happening and they feel that all is not well. I believe you (maybe the two of you) should tell them that their father is very ill and that he MAY die. Give them time to make their peace with him and make some memories so they have happy times to remember after all is said and done.

Just my thought...purchase and read "Chicken Soup for the Surviving Soul" - there's a short story about the very subject.

Peace,

Becky

[Patkid]

We just want to assure you that we care and that we are praying for strength and guidence for you.

Bless your family.

Love

Pat and Brian

[Cindy RN]

What a terrible time you are having. If you can stop working right now-do it. There are agencies that can help with bills in emergency situations. See if hospice can get in there sooner.

Please, sit the kids down and explain what is and may happen. They KNOW something already and they need time with their dad to make peace. Also they need to feel like they are helping you and him. This will mean alot to them.

My prayers are with you and the family.

Love Cindy

[Calintay]

I am very sorry to hear about your husband. Prayers for your husband, you and your family on the way. I suggest letting the kids have the oppurtunity to help in the care of their father. It might mean a lot to them when they get older and also might help them come to terms with what is going on. I feel for you and pray you feel at peace with the choice you make whether or not to tell the children about what may happen.

[stand4hope]

This is so sad to read your words. I think if I were in your shoes at this time, though, that I would be having some of the same thoughts you are. I think that all you can do is take it one day at a time, actually one moment at a time. Your emotions are just going to be up and down, on and off, and I doubt there is anything you can do to stop them.

If you are a spiritual person, stay close to God. As far as your younger children are concerned, you know them better than anybody else. You know what they can handle and what they can't. Follow your natural instincts, and you'll do ok.

Love and prayers,

Peggy

[Maryanne]

So sorry for you pain. I wish I could express some words of wisdom to help comfort you.

A couple of things, first are you taking any medication to help you cope through all of this? If not it will help you. I am not talking about anything heavy just something mild that could help you cope.

I noticed in your husbands profile, that you have only been married since last year. So I am guessing that the children are your children and not his biological children. Do they consider him their father? Iam asking because this could make a difference in your decision on how to tell them. Are the older children his biological children?

I don't know about the work situation. Sometimes being away from the situation will help you cope better instead of being around him 24/7 but then maybe that is what you want to do not knowing when his time is up.

That is really a difficult decision, that only you can make. But whatever decision you make, be sure will have no regrets when the time comes.

I hope you have a friend or a close family member you can lean on for comfort and support.

Of course there is always us, but I am talking about someone physical, familiar.

We are here for you 24/7 whenever you need to vent.

Prayers going out to him and for you.

I wish I had a magic wand to wave over him, to make it all better. But all I can do is sent prayers and to let you know that I care, and we are always here to help you through this and to lighten your load a bit.

Maryanne

[Amy P]

Be as honest as your kids can handle...from my experience, they can handle a lot more than we think.

My daughters were only 5 1/2 and 4 when we told them that my their Nonna, to whom they were VERY close, was going to die (Ovarian Cancer). They knew she was very sick and she was literally deteriorating before our eyes. They avoided her and could barely be in the same room with her UNTIL we told them that she was very sick and we knew that she would be passing away soon. As soon as they knew, they started paying more attention and both of them without encouragement, spent time with her alone talking. My oldest still talks about what Nonna and her talked about during their last couple of visits.

That was one of the hardest things I have ever done, but it made the world of difference to my kids. I don't remember who said it, but it is true that they need to be given the chance to make some additional memories but also be given the chance to say good bye.

Wishing you peace, comfort and love during this difficult time.

Much Love,

Amy

[Guest Lensiedel]

Thank you for your kind words and advice. My children are not Bruce's biologically. We have been married only a short time, but they love him very much. We did tell them when he was diagnosed that he might die, and they have asked since, but not recently. What I told them then was that the doctors were doing everything they could, and we didn't know what would happen. So now that they can't do anything more, I wonder if they should know. Maybe giving them months (assuming he has months) to accept the fact that he's dying would be better than giving them days or weeks. But then I worry that the stress would be too much for them. They're not with us all of the time, they're back and forth between me and their dad. It would be easier if I could be with them all of the time to comfort and answer questions. Their father is not very good at those kinds of things. Of course that's a whole other ugly story!

Thanks again,

Wendy

[Daddys Little Girl @ 35!]

Please tell your children, not only for their sake but for yours as well. You would be amazed at how they will want to help. My mom wants so badly not to "burden us kids" and I feel so helpless at times because of that. There are 8 children in my family, I am the baby, and mom still feels that it is not fair to have us come running over to her house. If I could only tell you how much they have done for each one of us over the years. Now is the time -- more than ever -- for us to pay back just a small, minute portion of that giving.

My daughter is 16 years old now and she is a lifesaver to me at times. I have always been open with her and now that my father is the one with the NSCLC I have found myself turning to her more and more and yet mom herself is still trying to do everything herself. She is a rock that is for sure but even she needs that shoulder to cry on.

Trust me when I say the children will want to know what is happening, they will appreciate that more than anything in thr future. It will come back to you if you are always honest with them. They want to be there for both of you -- trust me. Even if all they can do for you at times is just give you a break so that you are not so overwhelmed, they love you and this is just one way that they can give to you.

The older ones are able to do more of course but even your babies can do a load of dishes. At this point in time, every little bit will help you and it will also give them a sense of importance.

I hope that my words are helping. I'm new to this business as well and I'm just trying to let you know how I would feel as one of the kids that you are referring to.

Good luck and God bless!

Mary

[SBeth]

My perspective on whether or not to tell your younger children comes from two different experiences in my life. When I was 15, my grandmother, who I was very close to, was diagnosed with cancer. My parents did not tell me until it was very near the end and communication with her was not coherent or meaningful. I often wish I had known for many reasons...I would have spent more time and talked to her more. That said...when my husband was diagnosed last year; my 13 year old knew right away as he was always just around the corner when we were discussing treatment, relaying information to family, etc. He asked us straight out and we told him. On the other hand, we didn't discuss this with our 10 year old because he seemed to be pretty oblivious to it all and at the time we had the attitude (and still try to) that we were going to beat it, so why try to explain it to him. Unbeknownst to us; he had figured it out for himself and was full of questions that he hadn't been given an opportunity to ask. When I read a letter to Santa that he had written (Yes, I know he's a bit old for that...but I still make them write them)...and I approached him about his "wish list", he had many questions and was dealing internally with a much more devasting prognisis than even we, the adults, were dealing with. Everyone has to do what is right for them and what they feel is best in their hearts, but for me, hindsight is 20/20 and if I had the chance to do it all over again; I would have confided in my youngest very early on. Peace to you in finding the right answers.

Love and prayers,