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My irrational thought processes

dani hobbs

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I just posted last night & the replies were so comforting---I don't know what I would have done or still can do without this site. Now that my sister has left this planet, I worry constantly and obsessively about my husband---he started smoking at an age even younger than my sister, and was a heavy smoker for about 30 years, then quit cold turkey 11 years ago; unlike my sister & Peter Jennings, he has been able to not take it up again, so far. But now, I listen to his every breath & cough. At night in bed I lay on his chest to listen for rales (rails?) or anything that doesn't sound right. I used to be a brave person but I'm just afraid of everything right now, to the point of just hovering over my spouse & grown children. I feel that disaster lurks at every corner and that I have no control over it, which of course I never did---I just liked to feel like I did. And I feel so selfish, just venting and free-associating on this board, and feeling like I offer so little in return to people who are feeling the loss of their loved ones just as much as I am. I wish I could just sleep through the rest of 2005. Previously, I worked in hospitals & on oncology units and I knew in my rational mind what would probably happen when my sister got sick, but I was in such DENIAL--as if she would be different, would get better, live longer. What was WRONG with me??? I just feel like I'm spinning, spinning, getting nowhere...on a good day I can accomplish about an eighth of what I used to do. I just miss her so much, she should be out on the road right now with her husband, and calling me up to tell me some goofy story about being in the Corn Palace in South Dakota---I honestly still wake up & think the phone will ring and it will be her, or that if I call her number she will answer!!!

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Oh, you are NOT being selfish by coming here. I am so sorry for this deep pain you feel because of the loss of your sister.

I have not lost a sibling..but we lost my dad four yrs ago to colon cancer so I understand being scared, feeling out of control, lost and worrying about everything! It sounds so cliche to say *time does help* but Dani it does. The tremendous love you feel for her will never ever diminish but the pain of losing her will lessen. I do know that I personally feel blessed to have had my dad in my life for the time he was here and I am sure you feel the same way about your sis. Sometimes, I think of all the people that never experience the love of a sibling or parent and realize just how lucky and blessed we are if we do.

I don't think there is ever a time that we are ready to let go of someone we love..please try and hang onto the beautiful memories you have and those memories, in time, will help mend your heart. I won't kid you by saying that I never cry or don't miss my dad...but often a memory of him/us makes me smile instead of cry.

Please remember, we are all here to walk with you during this difficult and sad time.

Blessings, Dani


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You vent anytime you need to. That's why it's called a SUPPORT community.

I can relate to the fear... I've been going through that a lot myself lately. Worrying about Dad, about Carolyn, about my husband, about whether or not I'll be there for my daughter.

(((((hugs))))) to you. It all just hurts so badly.

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I can so relate to what you are saying. I myself was a heavy smoker for about 10 years before quitting almost 15 years ago. I think about it all the time. My husband still smokes cigars and it makes me so angry!!! I constantly scream at him and tell him how could he do this when he saw what happened to my Dad. My Mom still smokes and she lost her husband. Her justification is... she is 75 years old and the damage is done. In a way, I can understand where she is coming from, but then I think about how selfish her and my husband are being because they don't care that I would have to go through the suffering of watching someone I adore die of lung cancer. I don't have any answers, just wanted you to know you are not alone in your feelings.

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Hi Dani,

I am sorry for the loss of you sister and how much you are hurting.

You did not say when your sister passed. If it was fairly rescent it will take awhile for you to feel like yourself again.

If it was awhile ago and you just can't get yourself out of the grieving stage, you may want to go and get medication that could help you cope or seek out a specialist you can talk too. I know your sister would want you to get on with your life and not suffer so much.

You must concentrate on your family and children, and make them a number one priority. If you belong to a church/synagague you may want to talk to a priest, rabbi etc.

Try to get involeved in something that could occupy your mind.

Right now give yourself time. If your feel you just cannot get yourself out of this funk then ask for help for this is not healthy for you.

We are always here for you.


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Dani, please don't ever second guess coming here and sharing your feelings with us. We all have different burdens that we need to have someone listen to and help us with. I know how you miss your sister. I have always been so impressed by the amount of love the two of you shared.

As for worrying, you're not the only sone that does that! Now, every time I have a medical problem, I automatically assume the worst. When I hear someone cough, I think of lung cancer. When someone has lost a lot of weight, I wonder if they have cancer. I know life will never be the same as it was before losing Dennis but I often wonder if I will ever return to "normal" thinking...whatever that is. Dani, please don't be a stranger here. Even if you don't realize it, you do have a lot to share.

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Boy do I know EXACTLY what you mean. I'm terrified, of everything. I run to the doctor for everything.

I bought extra life insurance for myself. I am writing "letters" to my kids, telling them how happy they've made me and how I hope to be here long enough to help them grow, but just in case I'm not, to always remember I love them so much!!! The list goes on. My husband thinks I'm paranoid. I'm just so so scared, of not being able to watch and help my kids grow up (they are 5 and 2).

Never felt like this, before cancer robbed us of my precious Dad......

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