Out of control

[ginnie]

I hate feeling this way, that all I’m doing is waiting for the other shoe to drop. Every time that I feel a pain or an ache all I can think is… is it growing, has it spread? I feel like I’m stuck in limbo and don’t know how to move on. I’m a planner and can’t stand to have things so unknown. I need to plan, need to know what’s coming so I can prepare for it. I feel out of control and I don’t know how to get it back. I keep all this bottled up inside, I don’t want my husband or daughter to see how much this is tearing me up so I put on a front. Do the same thing at work. I act like everything is ok and it isn’t. I’m not in control of my life anymore and I hate it! I hate how much this has changed my life. I never got sick, never had to go to doctors and now that’s all I do. Live from one appointment or test to the next. I’m sure many of you have felt this way, sorry to vent but no where else to let it out.

[Snowflake]

I hate feeling this way, that all I’m doing is waiting for the other shoe to drop. Every time that I feel a pain or an ache all I can think is… is it growing, has it spread? I feel like I’m stuck in limbo and don’t know how to move on. I’m a planner and can’t stand to have things so unknown. I need to plan, need to know what’s coming so I can prepare for it. I feel out of control and I don’t know how to get it back. I keep all this bottled up inside, I don’t want my husband or daughter to see how much this is tearing me up so I put on a front. Do the same thing at work. I act like everything is ok and it isn’t. I’m not in control of my life anymore and I hate it! I hate how much this has changed my life. I never got sick, never had to go to doctors and now that’s all I do. Live from one appointment or test to the next. I’m sure many of you have felt this way, sorry to vent but no where else to let it out.

Ginnie,

Try yoga. Learn to relax and let it go. Find your center and have a peaceful place to go to when things start spinning (remember all those childbirth lessons about a focal point and just BREATHING?).

Control is all an illusion. You really weren't in control before, you just thought you were.

Believe me, test anxiety is very, very common here, as is the fear of the unknown. Try not to put the cart before the horse. It's a balancing act to know how much information is too much for you to handle and what you will need to know in the close future for your own treatment. You don't want the overload to start pushing down on you and making you feel hopeless.

Really, try yoga...and counseling.

Luck to you,

Becky

[Maryanne]

Hi Ginny,

So sorry to hear you are going through all this anxiety. Do you take medication to help you cope? If not ask you doctor as be can prescribe something that will help make you less anxious.

I know you are keeping things bottled up inside and that is not good. I hope it helps that you can vent here and get some of it out.

Take care,

Maryanne

[Don M]

Hi Ginny: I am sorry you feel bad. I like what Becky said about the illusion that we are in control. Somehow we all have to learn to live in the present moment. There is a book by Shunryr Suzuki called Zen Mind, Beginner's Mind. You might try reading it. Also, Maryanne's suggstion for antianxiety med is good. I took lexapro for about a year and it helped me.

Don M

[Kaffie]

ginney,

This is what we call our new normal

the innocent person we were before

our diagnosis will never be quite that

person again.

I agree you do need to see your doctor

about getting on something for your anxiety.

In time it gets easier but I don't think

it ever goes away.

I'm so sorry you have to deal with this

Kathy

[ellakc2]

Wow Ginnie,

I think at one time or another we have all been there. Believe it or not,as time goes by and your still clean it will help. It will always be in the back of your mind. You have to talk to someone and learn to relax alittle more. Feeling out of control is not a fun thing. Been there. Good luck and take care.

[Jyoung20]

Ginnie,

Hang in there.

Relaxing helped me through it (meditating, reading my Bible, praying, talking to friends, reading writing and/or finding my purpose (outside of my family) and submerging myself into it. Could be a hobby, activism, volunteering at the clinic, cultivating talents. Whatever makes you feel good.

Hope this helps,

God BLess!!

Jamie

"He who has a why to live, can bear with almost any how./" Victor Frankl

"Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love Him." James 1:12

[stand4hope]

Dear Gin,

My husband was similar to what you describe. I don't know if he thought about it as much as you did, in fact, I tend to think he was just the opposite. He thought he was in control of the cancer, too, I think, and he just wouldn't let himself have (or hear) any thoughts otherwise.

As his disease progressed, he knew he wasn't in control and his reaction was anger. I think it frustrated him terribly that this was now something in his life over which he had no control.

He was always in control of just about everything in his life, in charge, and on top of it all. I think maybe people with personalities like you and Don have an added stressor to deal with. Most all of us have fear, patient and caregiver, but not all of us feel we have or had control of our lives. I like what Becky said:

Control is all an illusion. You really weren't in control before, you just thought you were.

So true, so true!

I pray that you will find some peace while fighting this disease, and perhaps think about giving the control to the Lord. My favorite Bible verse throughout Don's whole ordeal was "All things work together for good for those who love the Lord . . . " Romans 8 : 28. I have found that if I can figure out a way to really give it all to Him, then I can have a more peaceful life, or day. This, of course, has to be done on a regular basis because the fears always sneak back in to try to take control.

Hang in there, Gin.

Love,

Peggy