Up and Down

[Jodi]

Hi all,

I've mostly been posting on the newcomer section, for the past weeks, but have now decided to post here....just wondering, if any of you family members/caregivers have real down days and how you cope....I have been pretty up, for my mom, in the past month of her diagnosis, but today, it just hit me, like a ton of bricks; I'm a complete mixture of mad, sad, depressed, and self-pity! I hate this, because I've been so up! Is this normal?

Thanks,

Jodi

[Don Wood]

It is normal to have emotion swings. One thing that helps me is to be able to talk with a friend and get things off my chest. Also, exercise is not only healthy (which is important for the caregiver) but also relieves stress. I also try to eat right. Then I do little things for myself at times, like a break from the routine (walking, massage, frostie, etc.). Friends also help out at times with taking Lucie, my wife, to appointments so I don't have to go every time. Hang in there. Don

[eppie]

yep, I call it the roller coaster ride from H-E-double toothpicks. i call home twice a day. In the am to see if dad had a good night and in the late afternoon to see if he ate a good supper.

I think Don's advice is the best..exercise is great. Being present is most important. When I am with my Dad I am 100% there. When I am in RI...well, I am here and there is only so much I can do.

Letting go is hard...letting go of the laundry, the lawn, the dishes on ocassion is ok. Cut yourself some slack.

Love love and love without regrets, conditions or reservations. Hell, I cut my dad's toenails last time I was down in Texas. Rubbed lotion into his skin and tucked him into bed. We sat around and watched back to back episodes of Lost together.

Doing stuff good stuff like that offsets the low points...

Sharing here helps too. So it's like one really sweet person called it here...Lung cancer is the "NEW Normal". just gotta roll along on this wild ride. It ain't easy but you are not alone.

My slogan is "I want to be a plus--not a minus" Offer help but if you hear a "no" respect that too. always move in the direction of peace and you will not be wrong DOn;t take anything personally. Don't assume anything...be brave and ask for permission...ask the questions....ask for the detail.....ask for clarification. Do want you can and do your best.

Take care honey. Check in often. If you need a phone call just PM me and I'll give you a call.

Much love and healing,

Eppie

[Mskim]

Eppie put my thoughts to words... and I want to add that I often feel guilt for having the feelings that I have as well... especially after an ANGRY day or a day when I feel kind of shocked and heartbroken and wrecked all over again. I think, well, I have already felt like this so I don't have a right to do it again, but I am learning that I DO HAVE A RIGHT TO MY FEELINGS!!! I am learning to take the time to experience them which sound so cliche and DR PHILL-ISH but it helps. Of course my husband has to ride the rollercoaster with me so that can be tough.

Another thing that helps me is to 'schedule' a kids free day to just go to mom's and not do things for her, no cleaning or errands or necessities, I just sit with her. I have had some precious moments with this woman I love so dearly, this woman who never in a million years offered up a free 'I LOVE YOU' without the prompt of me saying it first, now sits with me and snuggles on the couch and has hugged me and told me she loves me just out of the blue. It makes the days that are so emotionally draining feel like a trade off, like yeah today my heart feels like it is being ripped out, but yesterday my mom & I actually snuggled on the couch watching I love Lucy and talking about when she was a girl. Love freely and leave nothing left unsaid.

GOOD LORD DID I JUST WRITE ALL THAT? lol... got a little carried away there...

Hugs,

Kim

[francesbean]

Hi Jodi,

I don't know if this helps as it's coming from a young 'un, but yes I do feel the same way too. Some days, I feel grateful and optimistic, and on some days terrified and sad. It's a seesaw of emotions.

I usually crave for any human contact when I'm feeling low. Going out and talk with friends, logging on on to this site, seeing movies, and simply being with my family is my therapy.

Best,

Frances

[jorja]

Jodi,

I hate feeling the ups and then the downs. My dad hasn't had any treatment for a year and he is doing really well. I am optimistic for the most part but sometimes I catch myself wondering and "waiting" for the cancer to return. I have never had anyone close to me have cancer and it is really a huge roller coaster ride. I wish it was like having getting the chicken pox or something. You get, treat it and it is gone FOREVER...

I am glad you posted this because that is the worst thing for me right now. I am getting married in October and I am just praying that everything is okay until then.....

love,

jorja

[Miami Janet]

Hi Jodi,

Im just amazed that youve kept mostly up...that is quite an achievement when youre on this ride. Enjoy your days with Mom...sending prayers that she continues to do well.

Janet

[Carleen]

Hi Jodi,

There are definitely ups and unfortunately downs on this ride. I am glad to hear that your ride so far has had mostly ups. It is a hard task to keep our fears from ruining our outlook.

It's a little different for me, as I refuse to ever let my husband see me down. When I am down, it scares him. When he is scared, my positive attitude brings his fighting spirit back into play. But it doesn't mean I don't have down days. Boy do I have them. For me, I usually get in the car and drive somewhere pointless where I can sit in the car and just let it all out and cry. Or I get in the shower and let the warm water just run over me as the tears fall. Either way, I acknowledge that I have the right to feel terrible, and Don't hold it in. Let all those tears out. When you are done, do something selfish just for you. For me, that selfish thing is always something with Keith. I'll just say to Hell with the dishes, I'm going to snuggle on the couch tonight with Keith and we will talk about our plans for the future. Most times, just talking positive and acting like I'm happy works at actually lifting my spirits.

I'd suggest on days like today when you are so down, pay your mom a surprise visit with ice cream and share a warm moment together.

Don't ever feel guilty or bad for having fears and for feeling down. IT IS NORMAL. It would be abnormal if you didn't.

Also, what helps me a lot is to come here and vent a little; read some posts in the good news section to raise my hopes again; and ask for some prayers. We are here for you to lift you when you are low.

[Ann]

Jodi, dealing with cancer is an emotional roller coaster ride for the patients and caregivers. Your emotions can change from day to day as you never seem to know just what to expect. Please know that what you're feeling is completely normal. So glad you found our group.

[kamataca]

Most of us can relate to EXACTLY what you are going through! I'm also a fan of the 'cry in the car' thing. The shower works, too. Going out and having random fun with an old friend is great. Posting on this board, when I am at my weakest.

I will caution you to take good care of yourself. Early on in Mom's diagnosis I ran myself ragged, trying to do and be everything. I was a hair away from breakdown status when my DH and best friend coaxed me from the edge. I realized I was of no use to my Mom in that condition. Like Don says, let others help. They truly want to, and it is almost a gift to allow them to.

Take care and keep us posted!

Kelly

[Maryanne]

Hi Jodi,

I am sorry you are going through a down time. Like people have said LC is a new normal. You think you are really doing okay, handling it really well, then bam... something happens to set off the anger and tears. There were times I wish I had a treadmill or a punching bag just to release the anger.

Please know that you are not unigue to this as we all go through this. Just know that there is always tomorow and you will be feeling better.

((((((((Jodi)))))))))))

Maryanne

[bauner95]

Jodi,

I am so sorry that you are having a rough time right now. You are not alone. I have had my share of up and down days too. I will be praying for you.

Kim M.

[Jodi]

Wow! I just read underneath your message and am blown away, at how much of a difference, in diagnosis, you had to deal with, within a month! From stage 1 to stage 4, just like that! I was dealing with stage 4, with mom, to begin with (we got the worst news first), but for you and your family to have to deal with that up and down time, just makes me want to say, that I admire your strength and courage! It seems as if your husband is doing well, and I pray that continues! My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family! Jodi

[Jodi]

To Everyone who responded, to my "up and down" posting, thank you SO MUCH, for your inspiring words and stories! You truly have helped me through a difficult period, and I want you to know, that your thoughts and prayers do make a difference! What a Godsend this site is! Hugs to all! Jodi

[missyk]

Jodi...

Like everyone else on here i'm going to say...it's so normal to have ups and downs. I, like Kelly, do most of my crying in the car...especially when i hear certain songs. (Big surprise there!) I really didn't know if i'd make it through the time after initial diagnosis, it seemed so stinkin unfair. Time has passed and the ups and downs have become the "new normal" and still there are days when i feel like i walk around looking like I once asked a friend if i should just put a sign up telling everyone what i'm dealing with when i'm like that so i don't have to answer so many questions. But i've learned, also, that those who need to know, those who are friends, know without me having to explain.

We're here for you, up or down.

Hugssss you tight...

[MEA]

(((Jodi)))

Yes the up and downs are very normal. I'm sort of a control freak, so I hate it when a song on the radio can just make the tears flow. For the most part I have tried to keep up a brave front with my husband, family and friends...trying to handle it all myself...didn't won't to burden anyone kind of mentality. On February 15th when I thought my husband had another stroke, I crashed!!! I didn't want to see anyone or talk to anyone one. It took a few days, but I started feeling better. I am learning to reach out...I have wonderful family and friends, I just need to learn to reach out more often.

Be sure to let others help you.

I'll keep you and your family in my prayers.

Mary

[elkiesmom]

Jodi I know how you feel.Gary is to go for his first post chemo scan next week and I am so scared. He also has tightness in his chest when he breaths and has been to his pulmonary doc twice in as many weeks and he says not to worry it is normal.I don't even know what is normal anymore. I like some posters can't bare to hear certain songs and last night I just told Gary that I was going into the bathroom to take a bath and when I went in I must have cried for an hour. Like others here I stay up for Gary and others but I have no friends here where I live since we moved to this state about 8 mos prior to Gary's Diag and have no one to talk to.When I call my daughter and I bring up something about her dad she changes the subject she could never deal with illness.I am sorry but today is really bad day and I don't want to cry.When Gary comes home from work he will be able to tell and he doesn't have to worry about me either. Jodi you are not alone hugs to you.

Lorrie