The Pain is getting worse!

[michelepal]

Hello Everyone,

My Father will be gone 4mts on Saturday and the pain is getting worse,Why? Should we be getting better?

My Mother is so nasty to me and my sister you can't ask her anything. For example I asked her about her finances only because I want to make sure she OK and she gets defensive like I want her money. I'll call her in the morning and ask her how she sleep and it's always the same " I didn't" don't you think if she never sleep she wouldn't be able to function.

And it goes on and on don't get me wrong I totally understand were she's coming from but my sister and I are greiving too,we were so close to my Dad the pain is still so strong. My heart is broken I feel like a big baby I'm 41 years old and I want my Dad and when I think of never seeing him again it's like a knife stabbing me in my stomach. Well thanks for letting me vent.

Michele

[SBeth]

Michele,

I'm so sorry for you, I can tell from your post that you are trying very hard to be helpful to your Mom at a time when you probably need some help yourself. I can only speak from my own personal experience and tell you that when I lost my husband initially and still sometimes lately...there are moments, even days, when I just don't want to be spoken to or asked how I am doing. But to show you how irrational I am, those days that I don't hear from anyone I find myself thinking..."Where is everyone, don't they care about me?"...so you see, you sometimes cannot win. I am sure that your Mom doesn't mean to strike out at you and probably doesn't even mean to, she just doesn't realize it is happening. I hope that you can find some comfort in sharing your grief with your sister and come back here so that we can all help you too!

[MarkG]

Hi Michelle,

I love your name, my sister was Michelle. She passed last June at only 38 yrs (Sarcoma). Any way, I only just lost my wife, Leslie in January. I know what you mean about not getting easier. I don't have family nearby, so don't have the additional pain and frustration that you share with family. From what I am told, anger is one stage of greiving. That may be the stage all of you are going through at the moment. Try to discuss if possible the stages of greif with your family. Maybe it will help. Maybe all of you are experiencing the anger stage. I really don't know, I am not an expert with greif, at least yet! Seems a part of life to be experienced and learned wheather we like it or not.

I send my heart felt wish for better days ahead for you and your family.

Mark

[MEA]

(((Michelle)))

I think everyone grieves so differently. Some need to talk and other like to hold it in. You and your Mom are probably just in different phases in your grieving process.

When my daughter-in-law lost her 23 yr old brother, two of my sister-in-laws who had also lost siblings told me "you never get over it, but the first year is the hardest because it's the first birhtday, first Easter, etc., without your love one."

Will keep you in my prayers.

Mary

[stand4hope]

Dear Michelle,

It's "safe" to be snippy with people that love you the most. I think it's a common occurrence. I don't necessarily think it's right, but it is what it is.

My husband would be snippy with me for no reason. I always knew, though, that his anger was at his job or some other person - someone or someplace where it was not "safe" to let it out. How does that saying go, something like, "We hurt the people the most that we love the most", or something like that? (I bet Snowflake knows it!)

I know it's tough, but try to not take it personal and just ignore it. Also, a little distance, or time, between you and your mom might help. She might think twice before taking it out on you if she thinks you won't be around as much. Just a thought.

Hang in there, and I'm sorry you and your sister, and your mom, too, are having such a hard time.

Love,

Peggy

[RandyW]

Everything I can think of has already been said here. Communicate and talk often Time willheal things Trust me I know what you are going through. Lost wife on 1/23/06 around same time Mark lost Leslie. He already posted. Good Luck, and many prayers.

[michelepal]

I just want to thank everyone for there posting. It mean so much to me to have all of you to lean on.

I can't believe how many caring people there are,its just amazing!

I love you guys

Keeping everyone in my prayers!

Love Michele

[lilyjohn]

First of all let me say how sorry I am for your loss. Now to your mom.

She is in a place that no matter how much you love her you can not go. She is striking out because it is the only way she can handle her situation right now. As for not sleeping she is right and wrong. After Johnny died I went for months without really sleeping. I'm sure I slept some but I would go to bed and wake up with the same thoughts. I felt like instead of sleeping I had just thought all night.

She is having to take charge of things alone. Your offer of help may frighten her. She needs to feel that she can handle things on her own but at the same time fears that she can't. She doesn't want to be dependant on you or your sister. She also has to feel that she is still good for something. She has lost so much and is doing the only thing that she knows to help herself get through. She doesn't hurt you intentionally but I'm sure the things she says do hurt. Just give her some space. Let her know how upset you are and that you will be there when and if she needs your help. It is not easy but she has to do it alone. If she doesn't instead of getting stronger she will get weaker and I'm betting that is her greatest fear right now.

[bronbear]

Michele,

I have been going though the same sorts of things as you, so I wanted to respond to your post. My dad died a little over five months ago and believe me, it is harder for me now than ever. I think at first you are so exhausted and numb, it doesn't really sink in that your dad is gone. After some time has passed, you come to the stark realization that he is gone and isn't coming back and it is just a punch in the gut over and over again. I feel your pain.

Also, my mom and I have been through some pretty difficult times since my dad died. I have a little bit of a different problem - my mom leans on me for everything. She calls me anywhere from three to ten times a day, a lot of times while I am at work. She talks about my dad's death constantly and dredges up all of the painful details of his last days and won't let it go. It is so painful for me to relive all of these details day after day. I was there for it and I still have nightmares about it. I feel like it is an open wound that she will not even allow to scab over because she keeps talking about it constantly. I am at the point that I want to remember the good times and the happy memories, not the painful ones. My mom also does not sleep and is angry at almost everyone. She has alienated a lot of people and that is why I let her vent on me because I know that she needs to do that. No matter what me or my kids do to help, I feel like we can't get through. Just be patient with your mom, Michele. You are a good daughter - that is obvious. Just be there for her - that is what your dad would want. I know it is hard sometimes because you are dealing with your own heartache as well, but the loss of a spouse is on another plane than our grief. I wish you all the best....

[berisa]

Michele

My dad passed away almost 2 year this end of april. I can tell I am still sad, still cry for him but I am getting better when compare with the first year after his death. One truth is, our dad is forever in our heart...i believe he is in somewhere, having a good time and watching over us.

Take care!~