"Did he/she smoke?"

[ErinC1973]

I saw this question on the General Board, for survivors and loved ones. But I'm curious to know, do any of you encounter this question about the ones you've lost? I find this question VERY offensive and I feel like it puts me on the spot. I usually wind up fumbling something like, "She did, but she quit back in 1999 when my dad died of lung cancer and she was diagnosed with breast cancer 7 weeks later." Somehow, answering with "That's a very personal question" doesn't seem right, because they're not asking about ME.

Yes, my mother smoked. Yes, the smoking caused her LC. But does it mean that I hurt from missing her any less?

[ztweb]

Urgh!!! Erin, I am so sorry. I know how you feel. Everyone who smokes knows its possible, but its not until it comes that we all realize its effects. I am so sorry that you have to even think about this. There was a recent post here about that, with people having suggestions for answers. Try that...I liked the one, "Why do you ask?" That seems to put them on the spot!! Good luck!

Jen

[Ann]

Erin, so very sorry that people are so insensitive and don't have any better questions to ask. Like you, I get asked this almost every time I tell someone that my husband had lung cancer. On a couple of occasions, I have been rather short and just answered..."does it matter?" But I love the reply "only when he was on fire." People just don't have a reply for that one. They just get a confused look on their face and change the subject!

[Anais]

For whatever reason, I also get this question when I tell people my mother died of LC (and she did not smoke). I observe their non-verbal behavior/language and they seem nervous, uncomfortable with cancer/death matters, maybe it explains why they talk spontaneously about smoking.

[Andrea]

LOL Katie, not sure if you saw my post in the General Forum, but I give the SAME answer as you and we didn't even coordinate I also go on like you and maybe give tooo much info, I say "and did you know that lung cancer kills more women each year than breast, colon and ovarian combined? it is so underfunded."

Anyway, as for a deceased person, someone close to us lost her husband from lung cancer last year (he passed 4 weeks after diagnosis), and I was asked a couple of times if he smoked. In that case I say "yes, but that does not mean he deserved to die. And did you know 50% diagnosed have never smoked or quit decades ago, so it doesn't really matter. Lung cancer kills more women each year than breast, colon, and ovarian combined. It really n eeds more funding"

[Remembering Dave]

Here I go with my standard extremely unpopular answer.

If I get asked that question, especially by a young person, or ANY smoker, I answer emphatically YES. Because Dave's smoking - at least two packs a day since he was 16 or so - definitely caused his small cell lung cancer. Playing music for years in smoky bars was bound to contribute significantly - but that's still the effects of smoking. My hope is that SOMEONE will be affected by his death enough TO QUIT. And I know one young man WHO QUIT BECAUSE DAVE GOT LUNG CANCER FROM SMOKING. he quit way before Dave died, he quit when he heard it from me, and he barely knew Dave - he's a co-worker.

I don't take it personally. I don't take it as an insinuation that he deserved to die. I don't take it as an insinuation that I should hurt less or miss him less. I take it for what it is. Information seeking. If we are defensive about smoking killing our loved ones, is anyone else going to ever quit? are you going to ever prevent another lung cancer related death?

THINK ABOUT IT.

Karen

[wyogirl]

I think that it makes people feel safe to assume that only smokers get LC. Who would want to know they take care of themselves, don't smoke, are otherwise healthy, and can STILL get LC? It is such a scary disease, especially to the people who don't know much about it. LC is extremely misunderstood by the general population, and I think that contributes greatly to the unfair stigma. We all need to do what we can to educate those around us about LC and spread the word that no one is safe from this monster. Maybe if more nonsmokers knew they too were at risk, LC would be better funded. In any case, we need to find a way to stop this awful killer from taking any more lives. Sorry this is so long, I'm afraid I got on my soapbox.

[Don Wood]

I agree with you, Laura. I believe it many times is a grasp for the feeling of safety (Well, I didn't smoke so I am safe). We still take offense at the question because it has an accusatory tone, intentional or not. But we take the opportunity to educate them. Don

[Treebywater]

Katie--your words about empowerment vs. shame really hit home to me. I am going to try to take that one and run with it!

Laura--I also think you are right on. People try to distance themselves as far as possible from cancer, and death, and suffering, and anything they can do to make them feel "safe" in the face of seeing that people are vulnerable they will do.

To answer your question Erin--YES I have dealt with it, and I also find it especially hurtful given that Mom is gone. I actually had one woman have the audacity to come out and say (after previously asking me if my Mom had smoked), "If your Mom knew five years ago that she would die because of her smoking would she have quit?" Of course, I felt so on the spot I wasn't ready with an informative answer about how it mightn't have mattered since about 40% of those diagnosed are actually FORMER smokers. I think the RIGHT answer to that question actually might have been this, in my Mom's case, "Heck yes! And she'd have eaten more chocolate cake, had steak for dinner every night, partied more, gone to the river boat more, and in all other ways lived it up... If she knew she only had five years left--WHY NOT?!"

[Remembering Dave]

You know I never get interrogated beyond the initial question and my blunt answer. I guess 'cause I answered the question. No one ever asks me anything like "would he have quit if he'd known he'd get sick" duh, of course he would have. He fought like hell to live for his little daughter. When he smoked he never dreamed he'd get lung cancer - that always happens to someone else. I answer the question, hope it makes an impact, and move on. Anything beyond that is A Stupid Question and I think most people realize that.

Sorry, I just feel pretty strongly about this.

I'm sorry if nonsmokers get stigmatized by smokers getting lung cancer. I'm also quick to point out to people when they ask the question that alot of nonsmokers die from lung cancer (look at Dana Reeves - but she work for YEARS as a lounge singer in smokey clubs . . . ). That doesn't meant she DESERVED it, NO ONE deserves it, it just means that smoking may have indeed caused her LC.

Karen

[Treebywater]

Karen--I totally understand your feelings and even support them. If you can impact one person who might be susceptible to this disease not to smoke or to quit at whatever the magic time is before it will lead to cancer that's a wonderful thing. Just the same as if one person realizes that we are ALL susceptible to lung cancer after talking to Katie or Andrea and is diligent with their health that's a wonderful thing.

*I* still find it rude and it feels like insult to injury to me. Growing up, most of my friends vocally looked down on my parents because of their smoking. They talked to me about what a "filthy" habit it was and how "stupid you would have to be to do it." It took me a long time to realize the kind of addiction smoking was for both of them. They BOTH TRIED SO HARD to quit numerous times, but they were still looked down on as "filthy, stupid smokers asking to get cancer." And when certain people ask they ask with the same look on their face. So that predisposes me to be a little sensitive. Doesn't mean I get defensive, but it does mean that it stings when I'm asked. That's my problem. I get that.

And for the record--the lady who pushed me on the "five years ago" question did so after I matter of factly told her that my Mom DID smoke (I also mentioned her family history of cancer and the environmental toxins she was exposed to). I didn't give a snappy reply to her. But the next day when I saw her she DID push the issue. I guess you just have better taste in who to converse with, Karen. (this lady certainly didn't have a record of thinking before speaking in my presence anyway... on any issue).

And just for clarification sake on my last post... I say Mom would have "lived it up" because of the way that stupid question was worded. If Mom could have redone things to never get the cancer, she would have. But if "She knew that in five years she WOULD DIE," she would have crammed in all the living she could doing things she enjoyed, healthy or not.

Really not trying to be argumentitive. I just want you to know that I get where you're coming from, and wanted to expand a bit on my feelings.

[aurora06]

I understand what everyone is saying about trying to educate others that even people who don't smoke may get LC. Now, I was in shock and still am that my mother was dx with CA let alone Lung CA. Very few symptoms and NOT a smoker. I learned that people who don't smoke can get LC. What is irritating to me is that most people jump to conclusions that the person smoked. Now I feel that I must explain everything to them that she didn't smoke, always took good care of herself, etc. Then they look a little frightened if they are non-smokers as the same thing can happen to them. The other irritating factor about asking someone if they smoked is that if the answer is yes, then no one looks beyond smoking as a factor in developing LC and THAT is a shame. We all know smoking is harmful but obviously there is more to LC than smoking. Why even ask that question, the person has CA what difference does it make?? Mom left us last year only 6 wks after dx.

[Snowflake]

Val,

If I knew the very day I would die, I'd be right there, making sure EVERY LAST DIME was spent and my whole body was all used up! Hell, if I knew the day I was going to die, I'd know that skydiving wouldn't kill me days before THE DAY and might even try it - WITHOUT A CHUTE!

I get you, I REALLY get you...

...I am asked the question. I answer it honestly. I don't HAVE to follow it up with anything else, it's RIGHT THERE that non-smokers get the damn disease and ends most conversations. It scares people. Some people do ask it as an accusation, after all, if I did, I deserve where I am, right? Whatever. Remember what you learned in kindergarten, some people are just MEAN.

People cannot hurt us unless we let them. The question shouldn't be asked as it is, after all, how the heck do people "get" breast cancer? It JUST HAPPENS.

I just try to not be confrontational about it. It's up to me who I tell, after all. I celebrate the big anniversaries and sometimes, it brings questions - and questions are GOOD, it shows interest. Take the opportunity to teach if that's the interest that is given - if it's a mean person, kick 'em!

[Connie B]

Well, your question is a loaded question, but it also can be a question that would allow you to educate people with on the causes of lung cancer.

We had 2 Lung Cancer Awareness Events here in Minnesota a few years ago. At those Events we had a panel of Doctor' that people asked questions to.

One of them was "Is smoking the ONLY cause of Lung Cancer?"

The Reply was "NO, it takes more then one carcinogin to cause cancers" They went on to say, that we can add air quality, our genes, job related issues, home cleaning supplies, foods we eat, along with the smoking factor that helps to cause lung cancer. Not just one carcinogin plays a roll in lung cancer diagnosis. (or any other cancer for that matter)

They also said, if the world quit smoking today, we would still have lung cancer 50, 60, + years down the road.

Smoking is ONE of the factor's in what causes lung cancer, of any kind.

What people in the world are lacking as far as lung cancer issues go, is eductation. It's so much easier to put a BLAME FACTOR on ANY cancer! I wish there was only ONE reason/factor people got ANY kind of cancer. It would be SO MUCH EASIER to treat ALL OF US FROM CANCERS if that were the case.!

But, I also know how HURTFUL it is when people say that to you. I lost my dad, mom and sister all to lung cancer and they have been gone for a very long time now, and people STILL ask me when we're talking about it, "did they smoke?" And then I go off on my soapbox.

As for smoking cessation talks, I don't get into it with people. We ALL know smoking is just plain BAD for us. And that's pretty much all I say on that one. It's bad for the heart and the skin and the lungs, etc. etc. etc. Besides, we have TON'S of smoking cessation programs in this world, but we don't have very much funding for Lung Cancer issues.

Smoking has been around longer then most of us have been alive. So, it's not just going to go away overnight. (as much as we ALL wish it would)

Cancer SUCKS no matter what kind you have or how you got it!

[Guest kathleen]

When someone dies of heart failure do people say "wow, did he/she eat (feel free to put in your favorite junk food"???

If people only realized how hurtful the question "did/does she smoke?" is. It makes a person immediately feel defensive. I do like the answer "why do you ask?" People are so very undereducated about lung cancer!

I had a cousin say to me "well you know we've all made some bad decisions in our lives and have had to live with the outcome and your Mom made a bad decision (meaning the smoking)" and I wanted to reply, "yes and some people are just plain stupid". But I didn't.........sorry that is my anger coming out.

No one deserves to die of cancer, so asking such a thing is really plain and simply rude - like it makes a difference anyway. It is yourself or a loved one that is dying, so its pointless to ask.

I too tend to go off on the tyrade " yes she did and quit 3 years ago, and did you also know....." then they probably wish they hadn't asked!!!

[ErinC1973]

Ok...I have been thinking a lot about all of the answers here...

I don't know, maybe I am still hurting too badly to be in a position to go around trying to educate people on the deadly effects of smoking. I USED to answer this way, when my dad was sick with LC, and then my mom. But now that they're both gone, it has knocked me down a few pegs. But honestly, YES, I do take it personally. And also, if people ask, "what happened?" and I tell them, "she had cancer," and their response is, "what kind?" I SHAMEFULLY tell them "lung." I mean, I make it a point to just say, "cancer," not "lung cancer." Truth be told, my mom also fought primary breast cancer, end-stage renal disease, and post-polio syndrome, so not many people ask who knew my mom. But people who just know me ask, and this is when the question comes up. And you know what? I'm sorry, but I don't WANT my mom or dad to be the example. That's just how I feel right now. My dad died a horrible, undignified death from LC, and my mom missed seeing her new grandbaby by three weeks. I feel like these people who ask are thinking that my parents were complete idiots. As Kathleen said, "When someone dies of heart failure do people say "wow, did he/she eat (feel free to put in your favorite junk food)???

What gives these people the right to judge? Yes, it's a filthy, dirty habit. I see people smoking now and I DO shake my head in disgust. One thing I observed just last year: we were all out somewhere and my son said, "what is that thing in that man's mouth?" I realized he had never seen anyone smoke at ALL--on TV, in person, at a distance, wherever, and he was is 4 years old. Pretty amazing. On the other hand, I can remember sitting in the den with my aunt, grandparents, and mom (we all lived there at the time) and thinking, "ugh, I'm surrounded by it!" I was about 9 at the time. They ALL smoked.

Maybe someday, I will feel strong again, and be able to educate people when they ask. Right now, I can barely hold back the tears.

[KC]

My father quit smoking 25 years before he was diagnosed. When people ask me if he smoked, I tell them no. Usually, that ends the discussion right there. I think whoever said that people ask because they feel "safe" somehow because they don't smoke, is correct. My response usually gets a very surprised look and you can see just see them thinking about it in their heads.

[cathyjack]

I still "bristle up" when I am asked that question but I really like what you said Katie about empowerment and it is a chance to educate people. I have said when asked that question, It is very naive to think that cigarette smoke is the only pollutant in our air, just look at the emissions from cars! You get closed up in a small area with a running vechicle and your are dead in a matter of hours and you think that isn't affecting our air? Then I follow up with the facts and underfunding. Before I was touched with LC I was ignorant about it too and quite shocked to see the underfunding and to realize it was because of the the stigma. What a shame our society is so judgemental! I do feel it is a very rude question to ask and I hadn't thought about it before but Laura, I think you hit the nail on the head--people feel safe if they are not smokers.

Cathy

[Remembering Dave]

Hey, everyone's got their personal feelings on this issue, and it might hurt others more than it hurts me. it's just something I don't let get to me. and you know, I have heard people ask when someone dies of a heart attack, I have heard questions like "were they overweight?" - stuff like that.

I think I just answer the question with such EXUBERANCE that people can't ask another. I give them more information than they really wanted. ha.

Let me tell you, there were more than a few times that Dave and I would be entering or exiting a hospital, and there would be a patient outside the door in their hospital gown smoking a cigarette, and especially younger people, he'd walk right up to them and say, you know why I'm here? because I smoked myself into lung cancer and I'm not even 40 yet. he'd get some looks but Dave never cared about what people thought. as he got sicker and weaker and felt lousier and lousier he just didn't bother.

I think it's horrible your friend would insult your parents because they smoked. Back "then" smoking was very socially acceptable and in fact "chic" and no one knew how bad it was (or if they did they weren't telling). My good friend told me his elderly mom still smokes and he doesn't care - even if it kills her - because it's one of the few pleasures in her life. she's taking care of her youngest son who is permanently disabled and may not live much longer. I really can't argue with him about that.

well, gotta run, but listen, I understand, but it's my way of handling it so I have to be honest about it.

karen