Miss my Mother

[sap67]

I lost my Mother to SCLC almost a year ago. I cannot get the memory of her dying out of my head. I made certain that I was with her; my sister and I held her hand as she passed. She meant so much to me. But over the past year, I have come to appreciate her more than I had before. She wasn't only my Mother, she was a woman. I wish I had more time with her to pick her brain. She was always my rock and I tried to be hers. I hear over and over that you have to remember the good times. While I do, I am not able to get past the fact that she lived with this horrible disease for almost 6 years. She was a fighter until the end and then it robbed us of her. I am still very sad, sensitive, and devastated by her loss. I miss her and wish I could just hear her voice.

[michelepal]

I'm so sorry you lost your Mom to the dreadful Lung cancer. I can totally understand how your feeling, my Father passed away on 11/18/05 and I'm still haunted by those last few days of his life and to be honest with you I don't think I will ever get over it. I have nightmares at least 4 times a week of his passing he is always dying of LC but different situations. I will pray that God gives you the strenght to get through this.

Love, Michele

[cindy0519]

sap67,

I just wanted to comment on your remark about remembering the good times because I can really relate in many ways to your comment.

I know deep down in my gut (and hold tight to this gut feeling) that in time I will be able to recall more of the good times rather than the horror of what this disease had done to my Dad and the effects of it on his poor body - especially those last few precious days. I cried and cried while stroking my Dad's very thin and sunken face immediately after his death because I couldn't remember his face. Not his "cancer" face -- but the face of my Dad...full of light, love, and life with his half smirk smile... the face I knew and loved for so many years. It had been so long since I had seen it and at that very moment I really need to see it..if only in my minds eye and was not able to. Though my siblings and my SM tried and tried to comfort me and kept saying it would return in time, I was nearly inconsolable. I was SO scared that all my precious memories would be overshadowed by cancer related events/memories that had occured in his/my life in the last year and that I would not be able to recall that silly half smirk smile again.

It's just a few days over two months since his death - but I can honestly say that there are brief moments when I am talking about him and I "see" the face of "my Dad" -- it always floods me with a warm feeling, brings a smile to my face and a light to my heart, even if it is just for those few brief moments.

I pray that you will find more good memories in the days to come and that the emotional rawness of your Mom's passing will lessen with time. I understand and share many of the same feelings!

Wishing you comfort and peace,

Cindy

[Ann]

So very sorry for your pain. I know how terribly hard this is for you. As time goes by, the good times will begin to stand out more in your memories and the bad times will fade. I pray that the happy memories come to you very soon.

[sap67]

Without my Mom, I'm not whole. I always called her daily, a few times a day. Now, I have to stop myself from calling her when something comes up.

9-7-06 will be one year. It's approaching too fast.

She passed on my sister's 40th birthday. She was there for it for 3:18 hrs and gave my sister the gift of knowing she was no longer suffering. I cannot fathom how she will ever be able to disconnect the 2 events in her mind.

I too am having a hard time remembering her without her "cancer" face or hair. The SCLC also took away the strength of her voice. Someday I will have to pull out videos to hear her and see her healthy again. Still too painful now though.

I check out Google Earth to see the site we buried her ashes this past Mother's Day. We brought her back home to NJ. She never should have left.

[EastCoastLadi]

I know how sad you are feeling, it will be a year coming up Tues. since my father died of cancer. I know it seems like he was with us almost like it was yesterday. My mom visited his grave for the first time since the funeral, he is buried at Mass. Nat'l Cemetary which is about 2 hrs away from where we live, it was very sad for her, I know that it will be difficult for me when I go down there.

Please know we are here for you thru all your sadness.

Grace

[GayleMarie]

I hear ya. My mom only lived with cancer 9 months. I too wished I had picked her brain. She was full of knowledge. She had lived a life. And how I miss her, would give anything to have her back to appreciate her just a little more...

[jduenges]

Oh how I can relate. My Dad passed away from lung cancer on Sept. 6, 2005. I keep thinking of his last year over and over again. I am just so angry at why this happened and how the cancer just turned my Dad so frail. I totally understand what you are saying.

Jackie

[lilyjohn]

I hate to see anyone going through this pain. It will never go away but it will get a little easier. Easy? No, just a little easier. The good memories will eventually overshadow the bad. As for appreciating your mom, I'm sure you did but we can all think of the things we should have done or appreciated or thanked our loved one for. She knows how much you love her. Never doubt that and stop trying so hard. It is when you are least expecting it that those pictures in your mind will become clear and you will see her smile again. Lillian

[RandyW]

Prayers For you from under the gray Carolina sky tonite. I have Google Earth on my desktop and Debs site is marked exactly on there. WHen I feel sad, I go and visit. I go every Sunday To her site. Remember the pain never goes away just gets a little duller and No one can ever take away the Many happy memories you have.