How to resolve to the loss to come??

[VegasMomOf3]

My Mom is 63. For the past few months she has been suffering with back pain which the doctor gave her medication for. My Mom has always been a hard worker so we thought she over did it while working on the yard. Last Monday she went back to her doctor for a follow-up. The pain was not getting any better. A chest x-ray was done. The doctor told her she had pneumonia and gave her antibiotics. That same week on Wednesday another chest x-ray was done, which looked worse. She went in for a CAT scan this past Friday which showed a tumor on her left lung. At this point, I was still trying to keep everyone thinking positively. Yesterday my Dad took her to see the Pulmonologist. The doctor advised that this was indeed cancer on her left lung. She also has cancer on one of her ribs, her chest wall & lymph nodes. Today she went in for a biopsy. They were going to go in through her nose and sinus cavity. I haven't heard anything from my Dad yet. I'm sitting here at work going completely out of my mind and trying to not lose it. My folks live in Washington state while I live in Nevada. My Mom has stated that she will not seek treatment. When I was speaking to her last night she wasn't sure she was even going to have the biposy today. So this morning when I called her, she told me that she was going to go ahead and have it done and that she was doing it for Dad. He knows this and it's tearing him up. We all want her around for as long as possible BUT we don't want her to suffer. She refuses to waste away everything that her and my Dad have worked so hard for all their lives - she wants him to be financially secure once she is gone. She is very anti-doctor and prefers to seek natural/homeopathic treatments for anything that ails her. She has said that she doesn't want anyone coming out there for a visit right now and I do respect that as I know that her and Dad really do need to digest this. Then I find out that my older sister is going there this next week for 10 days - which is incredibly aggravating because she refuses to respect Mom's wishes. In my 41 years I've never heard my Dad cry until now. Yikes.....I just realized that I am rambling and that what I've written probably doesn't make much sense. I'm not ready to lose my Mom!! How can I resolve to the fact that my Mom is dying?? This is making me crazy.

Donna

[fillise]

Donna,

if the cancer has spead outside the lung it is, by definition, stage IV. I don't say that the scare you, but if that is what your mom heard she likely thinks, like many of us did when we first heard the term, that her situation was hopeless. IT IS NOT!

There are many long term survivors on this board that had similar or worse disease at their diagnosis. My mother was diagnosed with NSCLC and mets to the spine. She immediatley started on radiation to the spine to relieve the pain in her back. That worked very quickly. Then she began chemo. A lot of people don't want to face chemo because they've heard such terrible things about it. It's certainly not a picnic, but many folks will tell you it wasn't as bad as they feared. They should be able to control the nausea and most of the pain.

We just got out first report back and the mets are gone and the primary tumor has shrunk by 1/3. During her treatment my mom (77) has kept to her normal schedule.

The ultimate decision in your mom's, but I would encourage her to at least find a good oncologist and listen to her options. There is no need to give up as soon as you hear the words "lung cancer."

As for you, it's hard to be away. I know, I live 500 miles from my mom. The fear, at first, is overwhelming. But do your research and be sure to read the message board here to learn that there is hope.

I'm glad you found us,

Susan

[VegasMomOf3]

Thanks so much for your response Susan. Can I ask what METS is?? Also, how many stages are there??

Donna

[RandyW]

Mets are Metastasis. This is the spread of Cancer beyond the original tumour. Does not mean the end though. Quite often Mets can be treated with chemo or radiation treatment. Next question witha quick answer and a link to explain in detail. There are 4 stages of cancer. Tis is the link that will explaineverything you wanted to know about staging EVERYTHING!!Click to be redirected;

http://www.health-alliance.com/Cancer/Lung/staging.html

THis is not a death sentence. Treatment cane xtend quality of life for years. There is so much going on in the research that every day gives me a little more hope. Things are improving slowly but surely. Check out the PAth less travelled sometime. THis is the stories of those who have not elected for treatment per se, and their stories and questions and thoughts. Read Inspirational and Good news for some uplifting for modern Medicine results and Stories of hope and Faith and courage. We have many members here who are long term survivors. You will meet them eventually.

You are right to give mom space and some time for this to soak in. this is a new normal in their lives. Don't let cancer run Moms life Let mom beat cancers life. Have them get an organizer. The Lance Armstrong Foundation provides free ones for patients and i think they even pay the shippping. I THINK?? Lance Armstrong.com is the site. HAve hope because cancer sucks. We can help beat this and support you and the family in this Battle.

[Shelley (MLC)]

Hi Donna, I am sure this is so very scary for your mom and all of the family. Unfortunately, your mom probably knows all too well, stories of people that had cancer years ago and what their outcomes were. Treatment has come so far in recent years and I hope she'll at least consider treatment options. My mom was diagnosed with stage 4 NSCLC in January. For about a YEAR before being diagnosed, she was tired, coughing, had little energy and quite a bit of pain in her right side (where the largest tumors were) Ater the very 1st chemo treatment, she started feeing better...the pain went away, she was no longer tired all the time and was able to join frineds for walks, lunch and even weekend trips. She is just finishing up her first course of chemo and will be getting a CT in a couple weeks to see how well it worked. I am SURE it will show great results based on how well she has felt. My point (and I do have one!) is that she wasn't sure that she wanted to have treatment either. Her life the past 4 months has been SO MUCH BETTER than the life she was living the year previous, she and I can both tell you that the chemo was totally worth it! Chemo time was about 2 hours, 1 day a week and she was able to live a BETTER life than she had been living. Your mom will be the one to ultimately make this decision, but please don't let her make it based of fear of the outcomes people had years ago. My thoughts are with you and your family. Shelley

[VegasMomOf3]

Hi there,

Thanks so very much for your replies. What is NSCLC?? I've spent so much of my time researching Mom & Dads insurance coverage that I've not educated myself very well on cancer/terms/stages - so I apologize for the questions.

My parents have been very clear that they wanted to spend some time alone to digest all of this.....so when I called them this evening and found out that all 3 of my siblings will arrive at Mom & Dad's within the next few days I was floored. One part of me is ticked at them for the blatant disregard to my parents wishes yet another part of me is feeling bad and ashamed that I'm not going to be there with the rest of them. Should I go out there now too?? I'm completely torn!! I want my parents to have control over what is at this point "controllable". Am I wrong?? It's almost 3 am for me now - I can't sleep thinking I should just book a flight and go. Yikes!! Thanks so very much to you all for listening.

Donna

[RandyW]

Donna Give them some space for the time being. Wait until things quiet down at Mom & dads. I am sure they have their hands full right now with everyone else running in like this. They also neeed some time to themselves to let this sink in.

SCLC - Small cell Lung Cancer

NSCLC - Non small cell Lung Cancer

The most common form but not the only one is Adenocarcinoma. This may be wwhat mom has. I DO NOT KNOW THIS FOR A FACT THOUGH!! Adeno is also the most researched because it is most common NSClc out there. That is the good news!! Hang in there Prayers for everyone!!

[wendyr]

So sorry to hear of Mom's diagnosis, but there is definitely hope. Let your siblings go visit and then when things settle down and there is a treatment plan in place, go visit and spend some quality time with your folks. When my hubby was first diagnosed, friends and family also came rushing over. I think it's a natural response but there was little we could do or tell them as we didn't have full information or a treatment plan. Hope all goes well and that she finds an oncologist with whom she can relate and get a reasonable treatment plan going. Good Luck & God Bless

wendyr

[VegasMomOf3]

Thanks so very much for all of your responses - it helped tremendously.

Donna

[Nick C]

Donna,

Hoping for the best for you and your family.

It's a scary time. Support your mom, but you can do that by informing her and advocating for her but then deferring to her regarding the decision...

And you'll know you are doing right by her.

[tjrasMOM]

Donna,

I'm reading your posts all around here....you and I sound like we are right in the same stage of our mothers' diagnosis'. And yes, all of our family has driven in to town on the weekends to see my mom. I'm an only child but because our family is so close, the nieces and nephews are the ones coming to town. I'm freaking out myself. My mom does not look sick. She's laughing, cracking up, doing things with us, etc. We went to her house today to pack up her valuables. She's planning to sell her house now. She's living with her 94-yr-old dad. Has no desire to live in her home alone anymore, pay her bills, etc., when she'd rather be around family, with some money in the bank to keep paying her insurance premium. My mom is doing whatever the dr. tells her. We start chemo this week. We went shopping for hats and scarves last Friday in preparation for hair loss. I'd say, wait for your siblings to leave....and then when you can, go see your mom, if she wants. Get some one-on-one time with her. Today I didn't go to my childhood friend's bridal shower....I just couldn't see myself going to a shower when my mom was packing up her house...and already winded and out of breath. I need to be with her. Time is precious. I'm planning on my mom being here for a very long time....I have to plan it that way. Otherwise I fall apart. And since she's going to be here for a very long time, I'm going to start changing the way I live my life...just as she has. I want quality time with those I love. Doing more for others when they need me. My mom has always put me first.....no matter what, I have always been her priority. And I haven't always done that for her. I'm so sorry I'm rambling here....it's so easy to do late at night when I come to this site. I just think you should go see her when it's right for both of you...but soon. Even if it's just to go give her a hug.

[ztweb]

OH Donna, I don't know if I have responded to you yet, but I wanted to welcome you to the boards. I am so sorry about your mom's diagnosis...Now, I see that your post was from a few days ago...how are things going now...have things quieted down a bit?

Keep us informed....and know we are here for you.

Blessings,

Jen