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Help?!?


missyk

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Every time I come over here to dump a little more emotional baggage! :lol:

Here's the situation and any thoughts/ideas/suggestions are welcome, please!

Before Mom's diagnosis I'd started a blog page that linked me to a wonderful circle of friends I'd met online...many of whom Mark and I have met in real life at least a few times. When Mom was diagnosed, all through treatment, and during her decline I continued to use the blog as a way to update my friends and vent my emotions about the whole situation. The last blog I posted about Mom was simply stating that she had died and my initial reaction to this fact.

Since then I've been unable to write any blog that deals with the emotional side of dealing with this loss. I write about EVERYTHING in my life...but when I sit down to write about the grief that I feel...I blank out on the "emotion" and end up spewing facts and figures...then just delete the whole thing because they already KNOW the facts/figures of the whole thing. They walked the road with me.

I just seem completely unable to share the PAIN of this loss with anyone...even in the way I've always been able to release it...by writing.

Help?

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I think that you are still going through the grieving process. Be kind and patient with yourself. I will pray that you have peace and strength.

Carol

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Missy--It's just been over a month... I couldn't feel the feelings at that point, much less articulate them. And the feelings that I did write about, I look back now and think--I thought that was deep, but... I had no idea how much deeper the emotions and the grief would run.

Your writing will most likely serve you well in this season of life. I know that writing was about the only 'outlet' that I had with the entire experience. But I had so many days where I would go to write about a facet of it, and just couldn't. The reasons are different now (dude--it's been two years.... aren't you tired of writing about it yet?) but that lockdown is still there.

I also felt really vulnerable writing about those feelings even in venues where I had previously aired lots of them. I was, and still am, very protective about who heard my heart on the matter of my Mom having to leave me. I know you guys would never guess that given the number of times I've processed here, but it's true.

For me at the point in the timeline that you are in right now, my brain was still doing it's fun little protective denial thing.

Oh AND... AND.... let me add that nothing stops up my writing like pregnancy. And I've read other authors' who have said the same thing.

(((((hugs))))) to you.

P.S. This is a blog post I wrote that first month: http://newwaylc.blogspot.com/2005/08/i- ... w-how.html

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You do write when you come here! It's what I do as well. Sometimes I wonder, "Will anyone even care about this?" but the honest truth is, I write it for myself (bratty little thing that I am) to help me process. I don't worry here about how people will take things.

I don't share as much with the rest of my 'community'--family, friends, etc., mostly b/c I don't always know how it will be taken. Write here all that you can or want to. Maybe getting your thoughts together in words here will help you when you are ready to process them in other places, like your blog.

:) Kelly

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wow it seems that I could do nothing but write about my feelings. Maybe because there had be no one to really travel that road with me those last weeks.

Sometimes it is hard to put what you feel into words. Words seem to make it all too real and as you begin to realize more each day thay you will not awaken from the nightmare you don't want words to acknowledge the truth of it.

It will come in time. May I suggest that you sit down and write a long letter to your mom. Hold nothing back. Put all of your pain and confusion and love and anger into it. Eventually you will find it easier with others.

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Your not writing in the venue you are accustommed to writing in speaks volumes.

There is a song on Nirvana's nevermind...final song, and the song then ends...or so it seems.

and 15 minutes after there is nothing playing it starts again.

I always thought that 15 minutes...the absence in there meant something...

If there is a blog, and there is a gap in time until you blog again...well, to me you are communicating then too.

It's early still too...it's 9 months for me I'm still a wreck at times...it's OK to do whatever you feel or to not do as well.

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Missy

The pain you are feeling is yours and maybe you are just not ready to share that with them yet. I know that they say misery loves company but sometimes I just dont want to share my grief with anyone. If there is anything Ive learned thru this whole process it is that none of the feelings or reactions or thoughts are what we would expect. Sending good thoughts your way.

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Hi Missy,

I just want you to know that Iam thinking of you. You are greiving and that pain is something that is so hard to deal with. You seem to be okay one day and awful the next.

Give yourself time sweetie, as this is still so new and the hurt is still recent. When the time comes you will be able write your feelings to your online friends.

What you are going through is a new normal and it takes time to adjust to that.

I am sorry you are feeling so hurt. You mom was a tremendous influence in your life and the void there is undescrible. It will get better. It will never go away but it will get better and you will be able to express your feelings.

Take care and know that I am thinking about you.

Maryanne

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