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I woke up early this morning. My mind was full of thoughts about packing and things that I need to finish before I leave on my trip. I was stretching and planning some of those things when it hit me.

It was like a big bill board appeared in my mind flashing the date NOVEMBER 29th. I don't think I will ever be able to get past this date. Of all the days that hold signifigance that was the day that Johnny really started to slip away from me and the nightmare that we both went through that day was just the beginning.

Cancer itself, just the diagnosis of cancer robs you of so much. I have learned to forgive so many for so many things. I have even forgiven myself for many mistakes that I made. How do I forgive the ones who we went to for help? How do I forgive them for turning Johnny's last days into a living Hell for both of us?

I try so hard but every year it is right there. I can't forget or forgive. I still want to see those people punished and I know I shouldn't feel this way but how do I stop when those images still haunt me after 5 years?

I keep busy and tonight I am going to ride around looking at the Christmas lights and decorations. I have been planning it for awhile then something always comes up to make me put it off. Maybe somehow without even knowing I was waiting for tonight so for a little while I could see something bright and good instead of those oh so painful memories.

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Prayers Hugs warm blankets fresh out of the dryer for Ya tonite!! i know it hurts and always will. Try to focus on the fun and good times more so than the end of life sad times..

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Oh what a day for you! I hope that the lights brightened your spirits!

And I too, had not read your profile. I like what you said about God having the final say. I had a bit of an issue with Mom's doctor hanging more fluids and another antibiotic when it was so clear that the end was near. But he said that he had to give her every possible chance and if it was God's will she would turn around. I hope and worry that she didn't feel that I had given up...it was just so hard to watch her struggle.

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Lil...I pray that today is a better day for you. I know the next days will be ones that bring on may heartaches and memories. I pray that you will also be able to recall some very happy memories to make dealing with the tough ones a little easier.

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Thank you everyone. Yesterday was really tough. I couldn't concentrate on anything. The memories just overwhelm me sometimes. As Ann knows there is much more the next few days but I know it is doable. The day ended pretty well.

My neighbor lost her sister the day after Thanksgiving and I have another neighbor who spends a lot of time alone. She can't get around real well. Last night we went to see the Christmas decorations down town. They are so pretty and having company to share them with really helped. They thanked me for taking them when I was so grateful to have their company.

I watched tv for awhile then posted the pictures I took on My Space so my kids can see them. I was dreading going to bed. I knew the memories would catch up with me again especially sense that night five years ago I had spent the whole night up trying to find a way to get to where they had sent Johnny.

Well as it turned out Johnny must have known because for the first time in months I got those signs telling me he is with me. Oh I hear songs and the quail rooster often that remind me of him and I take those as signs but this is different. When I went to bed I smelled coffee and felt that ripple up and down my leg. Those things tell me that he is here with me more than any others do. I slept so hard after that and even had a very short dream of him. I woke up this morning with a headache from sleeping so hard.

Sunday on the aniversary of his death I am going up to French Gulch to church. I want to see all of my friends there and wish them a Merry Christmas before I leave on my trip. So with all the wonderful people in my life (and that certainly encludes all of you) I will get through these days one more time. I guess I should have know the 5 year aniversary would be a hard one. I really feel that Johnny knows too and is right here to help me through.

I also want to thank Katie for posting the pictures for me. I thought it was time to change my own picture and the two little munchkins at the bottom are my two great grandbabies, Caroline and Cy.

Thanks again everyone!

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Lil....I think it was so nice of you to take your friends out to see the Christmas decorations last night. I sometimes think that doing things for others is the very best way to rid our minds of our own problems. I'n so very glad that you felt so close to Johnny last night. That always makes us feel better!!! I think this year is going to be hard for both of us. There's just something about hearing or saying five years....seems like such a long time ago but in my heart, it seems like yesterday. Every year that passes seems to put more distance between us and our loved ones. Although this will be a tough week for you, try and focus on your trip and think of how much fun you're going to have visiting your family!!!

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I'm so sorry to read of what you both went through. It's awful and inexcusable.

I can relate some to the problems with the drugs and the doctors. Morphine was toxic to Bill also. His doctors didn't believe me. Eventually, the nurses in the hospital did. The first incident led to his hospital stay. The second incident led to him dying in the hospital (rather than at home) when he did. (He didn't want to take it again, but we were told he needed to take it in order to go home, because of pain management.) He also didn't receive the treatment he should have for medical issues that severely affected his quality of life and ability to remain hopeful. To be blunt, it was like his doctor was angry that we admitted him to the hospital for treatment when he should have been at home dying quietly. I still don't get it and it was hard to forgive.

At first I couldn't get those images out of my head. They ate away at me day and night. Now they've faded a bit. If I think hard on them, I get very upset. In hindsight and considering all things, I believe God took Bill at the time that was best for him.

I do know that forgiveness is for our sake, and it isn't the same as saying it was okay -- clearly, it wasn't. Perhaps you talking about it is the first step.


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