Disconnected

[Leslie]

Hi all--

I'm not sure if this is going to make any sense...but sometimes posting here helps me get clarity.

It's been five months since my dad died. I think about him constantly--and the loss that I feel can be overwhelming at times. And for many weeks, I have described my state of mind as "shattered." Pretty much unable to wrap my mind around the magnitude of this loss.

Lately, I find that I feel really, really numb. Almost like I feel nothing. I still have a constant loop going in my mind--"my dad is gone"--but I don't really feel anything. I don't know if this is my mind trying to give my body a break from processing so much emotion--if this is denial--or if this is healing.

It's just strange--because I've always prided myself on being very in touch with my feelings and state of mind. But things feel sort of blank--not really in a peaceful way...but in a strange numb way.

Does any of this make sense? I guess I'm just worried that I'm having a calm before the storm--and that I'm about to have a massive fall soon.

Thanks for listening,

Leslie

[ladybug]

I think what you are feeling is so normal. My dad has been gone for over a year now, and I definately feel like I've been on a roller coster. I feel numb sometimes and then sometimes anything but. I'm so sorry for your loss. I wish I had some magic words, but I guess we must just have to go through it one day at a time... Michele

[Sheri]

Leslie,

I know how you feel kinda, except I have a different mantra that is constantly running through my head: "I love him more than life". I caught myself thinking this yesterday and thought, wow. I find myself hurting when good things happen and I really hope they can still see in our world. My daughter was MVP of her basketball team (I was MIP of mine, and Dad and I both were bench warmers) and she also accomplished something else nobody in our family has done. She was inducted into the National Honor Society.

My Dad always told me I spoiled the kid rotten, I wasn't raising her right and she'll be nothing but a handful. Okay, I better stop. I'm at work and the tears are flowing. I feel your tremendous loss Leslie, I really do.

[kamataca]

I'm 100% with you. I'm at 10 months, and the word I've used lately to describe myself is 'disconnected'. It's just how I feel. I'm really trying to connect/care. Most days I go through with a fake smile. I keep thinking that at "X-time" it will get better (after Easter, after graduation, after the 1 year anniversary...). It hasn't always been like this.

Prayers for all of us going through this...for a lightening of our spirits, and a path through all of this.

Kelly

[Welthy]

I'm not sure if this is going to make any sense...

Lately, I find that I feel really, really numb. Almost like I feel nothing.

(((Leslie))),

This makes perfect sense to me. (That could be a scary thing for you! )

One of life's hardest lessons is the one you are going through right now -- that our parent's aren't indestructible. I'm sorry you're having a rough time.

I'm a few weeks ahead of you and find that I'm more numb now than before, with little cracks where excruciating pain and anger seep out occasionally. I've decided that I'm too darn tired to explore my feelings, just accept them and go with them wherever they carry me. Trying to tease out my own emotions isn't helping me, so I'm going with the flow. I try to check huge downward slides at the door. I think numbness is our brain's way of protecting our heart. I don't have a mantra, maybe because I live every day seeing him not here with me. For me, I don't see an end to this, just continual small changes in who I am and where I'm heading.

In time little rays of sunshine will come into your world. Having been through the loss of parents, I know this to be true.

You're doing fine Leslie. Stay true to yourself, even though it's confusing to understand your "new self" right now.

Hugs,

Welthy

[jaminkw]

Leslie: Sounds like that repetitive loop is a natural response, your mind trying to take it in, to make it real. If you have a history of being in touch with your feelings, I wouldn't worry about hurrying things. This event is apparently just to big for you to take in all at once. All in good time.

Bless you and find comfort wherever you are able.

Judy in Key West

[tiredmom959]

Leslie ... Easter Day was four months that my mom has been gone. Easter was rougher than Christmas (it was SO new then and everyone worked so hard to be distracting that it was downright exhausting) and I'm absolutely dreading next Thanksgiving (she died the day after last year).

But I feel very often as you do ... numb. Brief episodes of something almost like a mild panic attack when the enormity of it all really hits, but mostly numb. And, like you, I've asked friends if they think a big breakdown is coming.

I love Welthy's comment:

I think numbness is our brain's way of protecting our heart.

Whatever does come, we'll all get through it. I don't know that I feel my mother is in a place constantly looking down/watching over me ... but I AM sure she would want me to carry on as best I can, to relish her memory but not dwell on her death. That's what I try to hold on to.

[teriw]

Leslie,

I'm sorry for what you're going through. I think it's pretty normal. I definitely find I go through phases that are so different from one another. A couple months or so ago I was going through a phase of not feeling much and not being able to cry. Just as soon as I complained about it, I went through a very "wet" season with tears constantly. It was hard, but healing -- something built up was being released. Now I'm back in "hyper hampster on the wheel" phase, but I know it will soon turn into something else -- it's the nature of grief -- nothing is predictable.

I think sometimes it's ok not too try to hard to do any one thing with our grief, and to just accept that where we are is where we need to be right now. If you're anything like me, that's not easy to do.

Hugs,

[MomsGirl]

Leslie,

It makes 100% sense to me. And I know the feeling of, if I'm so calm now, this must mean I'm leading to a total breakdown very soon. For me, it came in chunks, like pieces of ice breaking off of an iceberg. The breakdowns would come, but they didn't last for as long as I thought they would based on how calm I was beforehand. It's amazing how our bodies respond to this grief process...it's like our brains go into self-defense mode.

I am thinking of you today and sending prayers...I know how hard it is to get through this. Be kind to yourself, you are very early in this long process...

(((Leslie))))

[asmakis]

I agree with you completely. I don't think that feeling of numbness ever truly goes away completely. I'm approaching the 1 year anniversary of my dad's death and I still have that feeling of numbness every now and then as well as a lump in the back of my throat. I can say that it gets easier, although I'm not really sure what that means sometimes. I can say though that this is the greatest place to vent and get support for your feelings.

My thoughts are with you,

Amanda

[Leslie]

I just wanted to say thank you to everyone for your thoughtful responses. I get so much strength from hearing your experiences-- knowing that all of these emotions are just part of the journey. Most of all, it really helps to know that I am not alone in this(although I really wish that no one else had to go through it...)

For me, I think it really is about discovering this "new self"...one that exists without my dad and giving myself permission to observe how it reacts to all of these new situations without judgement.And at the same time, remembering that it will change and evolve as I go through this process. Nothing is static and nothing is certain--and I am having to make peace with that.

Many thanks,

Leslie