michellep Posted November 24, 2009 Share Posted November 24, 2009 I get so sad and the tears just keep coming. I feel like I'm having a nightmare I need to just wake up, please? I'm trying to do things to distract myself honestly....but it doesn't last very long and then the tears are back. I even went to lunch yesterday with some neighbors but all I could think about was coming home and being alone. This morning I went to get finger printed and fill out the paperwork for a back round check for a job and sat in the car and cried. Then I had a doctors appt and while driving there I drove past the chemo doctor's office....more tears. Then while going to the doctor I had to drive past the hospital where my husband had been admitted six times in the nine month battle we had. The doctor ended up doubling the dose of medication and even said I could have the meds from his office for free since my insurance company won't pay. Of course for 20+ years they took premium payments, right? I did however go get food for a Thanksgiving dinner because I told our son that we are going to celebrate Don's life that day....I just hope I can get through it. I quit wearing makeup....it does no good. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lilyjohn Posted November 24, 2009 Share Posted November 24, 2009 O h dear Michelle you do take me back seven years. Everything you are going through I did. The feeling that I was having a nightmare lasted for a year. I found myself screaming at Johnny to wake me up. Everything made me cry and I could't stand to be gone from our home. I really don't know how I got through those days. Maybe being so alone is what helped me. I am just not sure. I am certain that most people who met me thought that I was one crazy woman. Time has helped but even now seven years later as these aniversary days of Johnnys last week are here I find that I am breaking out crying almost everytime I talk to someone. I try to do different things but they just don't help. All I can tell you is that you have to live through it. Let the tears fall, No one expects you to be calm and grief free this early. Don has been gone only a little over a month. Take one step at a time. Pray and talk to Don. Don't forget to keep that journal about what you are going through. Someday you can look back and see how far you have come. You will also have the memories because believe me you will be glad to have them all even the bad ones at some point in time. I will tell you that the first aniversary was the hardest in some ways, mostly because that is when you have to face the fact that your nightmare is reality and no one is going to wake you. It takes time. God and your love for Don and all the support you can get from others. I am here call when you need to talk. I am busy but I will take time for you. Love Lillian Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Treebywater Posted November 24, 2009 Share Posted November 24, 2009 ((((Michelle))))) I know it is hard just to breathe right now. I have a friend who when times get tough his mantra is, "Inhale, exhale, repeat." I know it doesn't feel like you can do this, but you ARE doing it. It hurts. It's hell. It's not fair. But you're doing it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jean44 Posted November 24, 2009 Share Posted November 24, 2009 You have two choices: be miserable or get help and try to live. You have to WANT to feel better in order to actually feel better. I learned this the hard way. Good luck, Jean Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ann Posted November 24, 2009 Share Posted November 24, 2009 ((((((((((Michelle))))))))))) My heart is just breaking for you and, like Lillian, I know exactly how you are feeling right now and my heart is flooded with raw emotions. Like Lillian, it was seven years ago that I lost the love of my life. I finally realized that I was no longer sleeping and that the "nightmare" was my new normal. I have picked up and moved on with my life, but that makes no difference at certain times. The worst days of my life were seven years ago, at this time of year. Today, I feel as if I can't breath and all I want to do is cry. The sky is dark and gloomy, just as it was seven years ago. Michelle, better times will roll around for you. The pain becomes easier to cope with as time goes by, but an emptiness seems to linger. I'm here for you, although I don't think I'm in the best shape myself today!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
paulette3 Posted November 24, 2009 Share Posted November 24, 2009 I'm sending both {{{{{{{{{Michelle}}}}}}}}} and {{{{{{{{Ann}}}}}}}} huge cyber hugs. Paulette Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nick C Posted November 25, 2009 Share Posted November 25, 2009 I have to give you a lot of credit!!!! You are doing great. I know it doesn't feel like it, but, you went out...you prepping for thanksgiving, you are getting the helpp you need right noww. Michelle, you are doing great, I think we're all proud of you!! Keep hanging in... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jstdzy Posted November 25, 2009 Share Posted November 25, 2009 I'm so sorry you are having such a rough time of it Michelle. All I can tell you is that it does get a little easier. But I know how empty those words are right now. So I'm sending you prayers for strength and peace. (hugs) Dana Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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