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Anyone ever felt like this?


Laurie

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I'm feeling pressure from myself to do things because of the cancer anxiety. I feel bad that I moved awaay and divorce d I feel pressure to have a family to "do things" quickly cause I need to have my Mom with me to succeed ...like raising a family, sometimes I need help or to talk and I feel that I can't burden them...

I'm trying to put my effort into fund raising it helps but I feel like I need to get my life goals acomplished?

Is that strange?

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Laurie,

I know what you are feeling. It is hard to get away from the negative feelings that are always there. We try hard to stay positive and hopeful that our loved ones will beat this D_mn disease, but there is always that nugget of negativity that says "the statistics say..." and "we need to be realistic...". That same negativity is what drives me to do things now that I wouldn't normally do.

I know and feel that I NEED my Keith in order to do anything. I feel tremendous pressure to do things now verses later. I've been thinking about artificial insemination a lot lately, because I feel that we need to have a family NOW; we've been talking about traveling even though we don't really have the finances for it, nor the health and strength. I have been feeling very bad about my job, I feel that I need to be more ambitious because without Keith there is no way I will ever succeed in life, but at the same time I feel so much guilt for even working the minimum 8 hours plus my 2 hours of commute. I've been looking for another job, one closer to home.

The cancer anxiety is so hard to get past. It is normal, and we all go through it in our own ways. It doesn't mean we don't have hope and a positive attitude, it just means we have fears and we have our battles with negative thoughts. Anyone who claims not to have fears, is in denial. I am afraid. I have fear every second of the day.

I have faith in God, and I know that it is in his power to heal and perform miracles, but it must be His will. That scares me. Is His will the same as mine? I won't know until... well, I guess I'll never truly know his will unless it is too late. This makes me feel helpless. Helplessness scares me. I can't do anything to change this, and I can't do anything without my husband and that means I NEED to change this path we are on.

The fear and anxiety runs deep. Although I can put on a brave face, I can tell myself positive thoughts and statements until I truly believe them, I still have fear. It drives me. I sometimes worry that I don't have enough faith because if I believed in my prayers and my hopes faith, then I would offer my prayers and concerns up to God and then be done with them. But I don't. I am praying the same prayer every day because I feel I need to, over and over again. Is that a lack of faith, or just fear?

I don't know, but I know it's normal and I'm sure others feel like I do.

I'm sorry this reply got so long, what I really wanted to get across is that you are not alone, and anxiety is a demon we all fight a constant daily battle with regardless of where we are at with this disease. Even those who are cancer free fight the anxiety and fear of reoccurrance. I don't think it ever goes away, we just find ways of coping with it.

I am praying for you Laurie, always. I pray for us all.

Carleen

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Hi Laurie,

You are so NOT alone in the way you are feeling. Just the other day, I was thinking about having a baby soon, just so my mom could meet her first grandchild before it is too late. ( I know, a very depressing thought, my faith was not so strong that day! :-( ) Not sure how I was planning on accomplishing this as I am very single and not very concerned these days about meeting someone, but the thought was still there. :oops:

You must not feel bad for the choices you have made in the past. We never know the path life is going to take us down, and when you made these decisions, they were the right ones for you. I am in a place right now, where not much else matters than being with my mom, dad and brother and SIL, and of course Clover! That's just what I want to do. But I know that life still goes on around me and I can't just forget about work, or exams or my friends. I love to make lists, so I recently wrote down everything I want to do with my life, most of them short-term goals, from seeing my mom at least once during the week, to going to the gym, to studying for an upcoming exam, volunteering and looking for a new job by August. Without writing all this down, I just could not get my head around what I could realistically accomplish with all that is going on with my mom and I needed to figure out a plan for myself, because I know that I will be no good to my mom if ''my world" was falling apart and becoming utterly chaotic, but I also know that I can not function in ''my world" if I am away from my mom for too long and don't get to spend time with her.

OK, so that was a bit of a tangent :-), but I guess I just wanted to share with you some things going on with me to let you know that you are not alone. I too feel that I need my mom around with me always, she knows EVERYTHING, who will I ask for advice when it comes time to raise my future children, paint a room, or is a gas or electric stove better (our latest conversation!) I am sure your mom has instilled in you some wonderful values and traits that will always be with you. Try not to think too far ahead and focus on each day as they come.

If you ever need to talk, lean on us or you can give me a call! I struggle each day with the change our lives have taken since my mom was diagnosed with this damn disease. I used to tell her everything, but now I keep a lot to myself. So many changes and it is just not fair. I try not to dwell too much what is to come, I just try to keep the faith that it will work out the way it is meant to.

God Bless,

Denise

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Laurie, Carleen and Denise,

I am so inspired by your writings. If I had a daughter or three (lol), I would want them to be just like the three of you. (I have 2 boys) You are all so thoughtful, caring and loving. I am sure all of your mother's are very proud of you. I am sorry that you all have to endure the pain of watching your mother's and husband go through the treatments that are so cruel and painful. I want to say thank you for being you and sharing your feelings. There are so many kind, caring young and older people on this forum. It is so heartbreaking that we have to go through the pain and destruction of this horrible disease. May your hearts be spared any more heartache, pain and we all be cured of this disease. You are in my prayers and so is everyone else, each and every day... May God Bless us with a "Cure" in 2004.

Peace and Prayers

Karen

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Wow, I have been thinking about the whole baby thing too. I convinced myself that if I got pregnant right now that it may give her something positive to look forward to but then I'm afraid that if I have a baby right now that it will be all screwed up from being in my stomach which is constantly full of anxiety. That baby will come out shaking and have anxiety for the rest of it's life because of the state I'm in. Especially now with the holidays passing she needs a new thing to take her mind off of things, I think, if I get pregnant and can tell my mom I'm pregnant maybe it will help her beat this thing. This thought goes through my head every single day. My husband and I were also so ready for kids. Do you think it would be detremental at this time?

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Hi Laurie,

Wow, we are all so alike. Yup, I feel like that too. May I ask what age group you are in and how old your mom is?

When my mom got diagnosed in 11/03 we were in the midst of planning my Feb 22 2004 wedding. Well we are still having the wedding, but to give my mom piece of mind and to have her see her only child married, I got married on Nov 15, 2003. The only people allowed to attend were my parents, my uncle from NY, my husband's parents, my brother in law and his fiance, and my two closest friends. It was the greatest thing and I cry hysterically every time I watch the video. http://www.msnusers.com/weissscheffwedding is a link to some photos. My mom is the blonde, taken a week after her diagnosis. It has brought her such joy to know I am married.

Now onto the kids issue--I am 31, my husband is 27. He wants to wait a year. My mother in law thought it would be a good idea if we tried right away to give my mom hope, then she thought maybe not b/c of the wedding. I am so close to my mom and I know how much she dreams of a grandchild. I pray every day that she will see me have kids some day.

I say to anyone who is ready to have kids, like Natalie, and you were planning to start trying upon your mom's diagnosis, go for it! It is a blessing to bring new life into the world. Just like my "big" wedding was pre-planned and will still go on. As for me, I decided to try to accomplish one big goal so it will be easier when I have kids--I need to lose weight :) I had just started a major diet when lung cancer happened and then it went out the window. Now it is time to get back to it!

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Natalie,

I think if you were to plan a baby right now, your mom would be very happy. In fact it would give her something else to think about besides her illness. It would probably give her a will to fight harder and live to see and enjoy her granchild. My suggestion would be to maybe talk to her and feel out how she feels about a new grandchild. You know her and you will be able see if this is a good idea right now. I will be praying that this will be the boost needed to help your mom get better and fight this disease. God bless you and your family...

Sending cyber hugs to you ((((Natalie)))))

Peace and Blessings

Karen

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Thankyou so much for sharing with me. Your hearts, strengths and fears are with me... I am so comforted to know that I am not alone. I felt bad about posting cause my Mom really is doing well right now. I must sound pessimistic ...But its the pressure and anxieties that make things so much harder. Every little thing seems so big and large issues are "heavy loads"...

ThankYou guys just for listening and opening your hearts to me has made me feel so good. I hope you continue to share and learn more about you... I hope that I can help you in some small way... Please "trouble me" you guys are going through this hell and I feel so much respect and hope for you...I want to see your family members healed so bad.

Carleen if you and Keith want to come out my home is open to you. I have heard ?? that we have one of the best cancer (liver surgery) experts in the country as well as one of the inventors of RFA radiostatic trmt here ...The invitation is always open.

Natalie,

Thankyou so much for sharing with me... You have a lovinng husband and a baby is a blessing, I'm not sure if I can have children I have been told I have issues , which concerns me (biological time clock wise) what if theres no Easter Eggs left? :shock: but if it is Gods will it will happen, take some time for yourself and know that you are doing a wonderful thing for your Mom and you are doing the best you can , and you are strong.

Andrea,

Yes I think we are a lot a like. I am 33 and Mom is 59. Your posts have been breaking my heart. I know how you feel and if you ever need to talk you can call me anytme. I'm praying for you and your Mom.

Denise I'm sure glad to meet you, I'm sorry to hear your Moms got this crappy disease, We will get through this...you are refreshing and clover is cute as a button so glad your Dog's better.. Come on out to Disney!

Karen,

Your words are so kind and supportive they just are food for the soul... thankyou so much for reaching out to us.... It looks like you have found yourself four "cyber daughters"....May God continue to bless you with good health.

God bless you

Laurie

.

:lol:

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Right now I feel closer to you guys than I do to friends I've known for years...its that certain thing I need right now that my sweet friends can't fill and it's so nice to have you guys that understand and can empathize. (I'm feeling especially emotional today) This issue about the "grandchild" hits so hard in my heart and I'm so glad I'm not alone. I'm on anti-depressants right now and the doctor said that there isn't anything she can give me that would be safe for pregnancy and I don't know if I can go through this with my mom without the anti-depressants. I just tried to go off them and I'm crying all the time at work again (unfortunately, that seems to be when I breakdown). Do you know of anything that would be safe? I would go off the anti-depressants, but they really help me stay strong for my mom. It helps me not cry in front of her. I don't want her to see my true feelings of me being scared of losing her.

My mom is leaving for my aunts house for two days. I'm feeling so attached to her that the thought of not seeing her for two days gets me depressed and sick to my stomach. Do any of you go through this?

Laurie... my coworker was told she couldn't have kids. She had injections and tried everything. She had pretty much stopped the treatments and summed it up that she was going to adopt...then out of nowhere she finds out she's pregnant. Well she had a very healthy boy last month. 2nd story...my sister in law at 41 wasn't suppose to be able to have kids either and her husband had a vasectomy done (he had two kids of his own)...well, surprise. She now has a healthy baby girl (yes, it does belong to the husband who had the vasectomy)...its not the milkman's baby, ha! Just a reminder...we know how those doctors are.

Just to some it up, this is how I feel today...Happy freakin stupid New Year.

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Natalie,

That cracked me up, the happy freaking new year part b/c I had been saying that all day long too!!!! I want to hit people who are like "happy new year, wish you health". BAHUMBUG this damn disease.

If it makes you feel any better, I was very depressed today too, the feeling just overcame me and I had not been like that for awhile. Awhile--what is the definitino of awhile, a week or so ;) I make it sound like this has gone on forever and it feels like it has, but it is all so new. WIERD.

You know what is so ironic? Do you realize how many people must envy you, me, and others on this board? I know that you and I are both happily married, have great husbands, such close relationships with our moms and have things in life that some people can only dream about having. I think our closeness with our moms is what makes this soooooooo damn hard. I try to be thankful that I am financially secure, educated, recently married, have wonderful parents and new in laws. YET inside I am all torn apart and nothing much matters. People are afraid to tell me any sort of news these days and I am like IT IS OK, I sympathize with others, but I am almost maxed out on depression :)

Anyway about antidepressants----my doctor had told me awhile back that prozac is given to pregnant woman. Not sure if that is true, I did not investigate. He said Xanax needs to be stopped for pregnancy. Just something for you to look into.

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Thank you so much for the advice. Are all of you extra emotional today? I think it's because it's New Years Eve and I feel like I don't have the right nor desire to celebrate a new year.

I talked to my mom's doctor today and she told me she had "bad news". Well...of course she does...bad news bad news, I'm tired of bad news. So the pit of my stomach is in lumps thinking she was going to tell me something about my mom. well the bad news is that she is moving and no longer going to be my mom's doctor. Although I was so glad it wasn't bad news about my mom, I started crying hard, I think I was even gasping. poor doctor, I wouldn't let her get off the phone, I was talking and crying at the same time, I really don't even think she understood me. But you know what she said? "I may not be your mom's doctor anymore, but am a family friend now and you can call me anytime". I cried some more and even told her I loved her. Oh my gosh, she must think I am an emotional lush! Actually, she had a very close relationship with her mom and her mom had passed a few years ago, so I think that she found a place in her heart for my mom and I.

Andrea, you are so right and I know I should appreciate everything I have and I am obviously more appreciative of what I have now that I've been whacked in the face this year with this...but (and I know you are going to agree with me on this one) with every ounce of me I would give it all up in a second if I could not have my mom go through this. I'm so down today. I also am having an awful day at work, if I hear of someone else demanding something because of the end of the year, I'm going to tell them to go jump in a lake. They had 365 days out of the year to figure things out and they want to bug the heck out of me on the 364th day to get something? Don't they know I have to work and email on this website? Haha...JUST kidding. I really should be working right now.

Thanks ladies for your advice and such heartwarming feedback. I love you guys ....see I'm such an emotional lush today!!!! I could probably reenact Halle Barry's speech when she won that Oscar...and no, I have not had anything to drink yet...scary huh?

Denise...HAPPY BIRTHDAY! I hope you are having a wonderful day.

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I agree :) I would give it up too! I was actually asked "well would you rather have Brian in your life or a healthy mom?". I said that is like asking the hypothetical if there was a bus of 100 kids you could save or save your loved one which would you do. My friend equated to g-d forbid her losing one of her daugthers and someone saying "at least you have the other."

I just depressed people here at work. I should just grin and say a polite thank you when co-workers say enjoy your first married New Years and how great it must be. Yet something inside me takes over and I say the truth----my wedding is in Feb; I am married now early only b/c my mom has advanced lung cancer. Oh yeah, HAPPY NEW YEAR. Let's party party party.

OY OY OY!!!!! I feel close to you Natalie and others on this board, I am also am emotional lush today. I feel like I already know you.

WE HATE LUNG CANCER.

Bahumbug to holidays and hooray to everyone on this board who can value the real meaning of life.

With love and thoughts of everyone and your families,

Andrea

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..Oh Natalie ,

I'm so sorry to hear that youare so down today.... seems like it maybe time to "get a weapon and target of choice ad just kick some *ss"... I think it was Eggs and the Garage for one, maybe it's not your style?.. Oh it's okay we all have done it! Smash !! AArrrrgghhh!! Cancer f-----ing s--cks! Why our beautiful loving God given parents that we need?..do we have to ? And why can't we CONTROL this f-damned--disease!! :twisted::twisted::twisted: There I said it...

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Guest...thank you thank you! Just what I felt like getting out of my system, but you did it for me! Thanks! Fay...is that YOU????

I did get a punching bag and gloves for Christmas...I'm serious...not joking. when I had more time on my hands I used to be really into boxing. I haven't been able to go so I haven't let my aggressions out, so my husband went out and bought me one.

Carleen, I meant to write to you earlier... I hope you and Keith can manage to have a nice holiday. I think of you often. I think the artificial insemination idea sound terrific. Hey, it worked for Lance Armstrong... and now he has three children....maybe it will give Keith something to look forward too. I think you have the right idea.

Karen, thank you for your advice...you all have me reconsidering. You give me inspiration.

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I just told my mom that all of the lung cancer daugthers on the website, including me, are wishing everyone a Happy Freaking New Year instead of a Happy New Year because we love our moms. She cracked up laughing :)

We can almost start a club! I can only imagine how many more of us there are out there.

Denise--where in NY are you from? I am from NY, been in California since 1999. My parents moved out here in like 2001. I grew up in Long Island. My grandparents are/were in Queens.

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Hi guys,

My Mom has SCLC, too, and it sucks big time. I can't get happy for hardly anything, let alone New Year's. I don't think I've been really happy since I found out on 10/19/03. Especially when the survival rate for small cell is not good. I hope 2004 is better for all of us!!!

Lyn

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Lyn,

Hello and welcome .... I'm sorry that you are facin this disease but we glady acept and offer yoou support... And we can include you in our new little group of "Madd Daughters on Antidepressants questioning life decisions against Mothers with Lung Cancer!" Lol! :lol: Well it certain ly is not a laughing matter, but once in awhile humor ...can keep you from crying...

Anyway Lyn your Moms situation sounds similar to mine... Does she have limited or exr? My Mom got deathly ill from chemo too. Are they going to reduce her chemo? Is she still in the hospital ?

Laurie

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Happy Freaking New Year

I'm another daughter of a wonderful Mother who has been diagnosed with extensive SCLC on 11/20/03, since then, wow, has my life changed, and I live each day finding new hope for my best friend (Mom) and myself to look forward too. I can understand fully what each and every one of you are going through, and it is pure hell to say the least. I am blessed with 2 beautiful daughters myself, who are so close to my Mom, that is a blessing that we all together can give her reasons to fight this huge battle and live each day and thank God each day we are blessed to be together.

Mom has rejected the chemo treatments big time, and I am awaiting word from the dr's to see if we can even do 2nd round next week, her counts are extremely low, and she has lost 43 lbs in 3.5 weeks. There are days I just don't know where to turn, and I find myself here, reading stories of miracles and hopes to keep my hope, faith and trust alive. My daughter Jessica made a comment last night that cracked me up, My Mom, myself and my youngest daughter Hayleigh were watching a movie and eating popsicles (one of the only things my Mom can keep down) and Jessica came in and said, "hey I want to be apart of the popsicle club" so it made us all laugh, and so now we call ourselves the "popsicle club".

Another thing, today I had to shave Mom's hair off, cause her head was hurting her so badly, couldn't sleep lastnight, broke my heart, but she is feeling alot better now that the hair is gone. My youngest daughter bought my Mom a t-shirt for Christmas that says "Im Too Sexy for My Hair - That's Why Im Without" thought Grandma could wear it to her Chemo treatments, it is so cute.

Anyway, sorry for blabbering on, I am here, I am another daughter who loves my Mother dearly and I don't ever want to think of the day I don't have her here with me.

I can be reached by email bethanncarper@yahoo.com or bethann332002 on yahoo messenger or just send me a message on here anytime. We are all in the same boat, and I know I sure could use more friends and more believers and prayers.

Love to you all

Beth Ann

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Hi Laurie,

Thanks for the welcome. My Mom has limited stage SCLC. Limited to left lung only. Her onc said she cannot take the Carbo/VP16 anymore. It is too toxic for her. I thought she was going to die from the chemo. She probably would have without IV fluids. She has been out of the hospital since 12/11/03. She is continuing radiation to her lung tumor which has shrunk dramatically which is good news. It filled her whole lung and now they say it is small. The plan is to finish the radiation and if the cancer starts to grow again we can explore other options.

My Mom is 68 years old but she looks like she's 88. My father and she are both in a Nursing Home which takes very good care of them, but I take her to all her radiation & doctor's appointments. It is very hard on me. I work full-time plus have a husband and 2 teenagers. I take one day at a time and do the best I can and pray a lot. Take care and God bless,

Lyn

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Welcome to the "Sisterhood..."... and a Happy Freakin New Year right back attcha...

I would like to say to both you and Lyn that if I can be of any support/help to you I can PM you my phone number...My Mom was extremely ill from chemo... She lost a lot of weight, survived on cream of wheat, bread pudding, watermelon (she lovedthat) and on a good day, toast w/ jam...

I am on a small hand held cell phone/comp so Ecxuse my limited knowledge/ messages...but are your Moms getting Carbo/or Cys platnium... I have heard cys is harsher...What meds are they on?

My Mom had to take meds every 2 hrs and eat 3-4 or the lack of food will create a problem...she also had to get 4-8 hr I'vs for up to 3 weeks afterwards ... She had bad times her Mom died, She was told twice she probably had brain mets ..... I had two shave her head and she had her funeral planned, told me who she wanted for ushers and gave her belongs too...

She also sad things my Mom would NEVER EVER SAY!

I sobbed uncontrolablly with one nurse and I told her I loved her too Natalie! I'm also suffering from year end stress! Whats wrong with these people! I got 309 faxes!

Anyone seen/read divine secrets of the yayahsisterhood?

I'm here for you!

Bless You

Laurie

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Hi Girls!

Thanks Nat for the birthday wishes! I spent a very quiet New Years Eve at home, watching some TV and playing with Clover, I would not have wanted it any other way! I told my mom you were having game night and she said that was the perfect way to spend New Years and she wished you were closer so we could all get together! :D Maybe next year! My mom went to her friend's house for some Chinese and a movie and had a great time, and that was the best birthday present I could have gotten! I am so sorry to hear that you were having a rough couple of days, wish I could be there with you to cheer you up! I am too sorry you are so sad your mom will be leaving for a couple of days, but how wonderful that she feels strong enough to go away with your dad! :D Maybe you can take the days to pamper yourself, get a massage or a manicure!

Hi Andrea! I live in NYC, just bought an apartment on the Lower East Side. I am originally from West Hempstead and my mom and dad still live there. My mom also grew up in West Hempstead. My dad grew up in Queens, Queens Village to be precise.

Here's to a better 2004! I am SO glad to leave 2003 behind, the only good thing that happened was my brother got married, and we are still looking at the pictures and videos everytime we get together! Or so it seems, is this what it is like when one gets married, you get to torture your family for the next year! :wink: I tease my brother that I am going to make him look at my pictures twice as much as I looked at his! But seriously, I am very happy for him, LOVE his wife and I am not the least bit bitter that I am still single :D:shock::cry: !!!!

Denise

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Laurie, you crack me up! I find myself reading these boards and crying one minute and laughing the next. I feel like a mental case. Last night I was so mad at my husband for absolutely nothing. He brought home apple cinnamon Theraflu instead of lemon. I could have kickboxed him out of the house I was so mad. Then it went on to, how could he not know that I would only want lemon Theraflu after being with me for 7 years. That he doesn't listen to me...doesn't care, that lemon is better tasting for me. Then he had football permanently glued to our TV for the last couple of days, so I ranted about that. really, how ridiculous...poor guy. Needless to say I apologized.

Lyn and Bethann, I'm so sorry that you have to go through this with us. It IS pure hell, thats a good way to sum it up. We certainly know what you are going through. My mom looks so different and has aged so quickly. I look at old pictures of her and can stare at them for hours.

Denise, I'm glad that you enjoyed your birthday and Andrea, I'm glad we can make your mom laugh for a minute.

I can't remember if this is the post where someone asked if anyone's read the Divine Secrets of the Yaya Sisterhood? I've read it and I swear the personalities of the woman in the story is my mother and I. I haven't read it in a while, maybe I'll reread it.

I hope everyone has a nice weekend.

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Guest laurie (panda)

Hers some more for you:

Anyone ever wanna tell someone whose parent had a heart attacke that said to you Did she smoke?? "Did they eat pizza and doughnuts?"

Do you worry about your own health? Now I gotta go have a colonoscopy, ultrasound and ct scan and have all my plumbing checked cause we have 2 freakin family members w/ colon cancer, my mom lost her repro organs by 27 due to disease and my neck hurts....

Are we paraniod now or what?

My Mom even yelled at me for getting fake nails?......:shock:

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