Dealing with life

[kimblanchard]

The hardest thing right now is figuring out what my "new life" is going to be like. I have found, like most widows - if not all - will tell you....Losing a mate is a life changing event...not just in the loss of the spouse but of couple friends and a social life created around being a "couple".

I don't know where I fit exactly....Most singles of my age are divorced. Very few widows are my age...in fact, I haven't met but one at church and she isn't really going to my church - she just attends our singles Sunday School class. And we don't really "connect"...I mean there is no effort on her part to stick around to get to know her.

I don't really fit anywhere....and I just have to deal with it until I fall into a pattern of living I'm comfortable with. I'm so out of my comfort zone it is horrible. I've been a "couple" since I was 15 years old and started dating. I started dating Mike at 16 and we were a thing since then.

I want to carve out a life apart from my parents, children and grandchildren. I want to be Shannon - person - interesting woman - available woman but right now I'm just sorta lost. So - In the meantime....I'm just trying very hard to be just a child of God. You'd think that should be enough - but sadly....I miss being married...the companionship...the friendship..the day to day living stuff I took too much for granted.

I just pray that God will give me an extra measure of patience, peace and serenity as I attempt to define who I will be in the years to come. It's hard....harder than losing Mike. Because I know who Mike is and where he will be - for now and for eternity. But for me - I don't know what the future will hold or who I can become. And after a life time of sort of knowing that no matter what Mike would be at my side....it's a whole new ball game.

Maybe I need something to eat or more sleep...because right now...I'm just plain confused and hurting.

[shirleyb]

Shannon,

I can only identify with everything you have written too well. I just don't know what the future will bring. All the dreams and plans we had are gone. Now it is just me. I too always thought I would have Randy by my side til we were old.

Now I just am living day to day and no real direction. I know that life goes on and I will to, but I just have not found my "yellow brick road". One day you and I will find our maps that God has for us. Until then, I just keep on keeping on.

Thank you for posting this. It is what I have been feeling all day today and just did not know how to put it into words. Thank you for sharing.

Much love,

Shirley

[glo]

Shannon, and Shirley

I'm right there with you, ladies. It's just overwhelming to try and see what life will bring down the road. I don't know who I am or who I want to be. 40 years as half of a couple, definitely leaves you lost when the other half is gone. When I'm at work, I wish to be home -- when I'm at home, I don't want to be there either. I spend a lot of time on the couch staring mindlessly at TV and wanting to pull the world in on top of me. Work helps some because I have to make an attempt to concentrate there, and I refuse to be a constant object of pity so I keep my thoughts to myself.

This feels like a waiting game -- like if I'm good and wait long enough, life will go back to "normal". Having lost a son 15 years ago, I know for a fact that it will never "go back to normal" but must slowly develop into a new normal, but what our brains know and what our emotions feel are entirely two different things.

Both of you, feel free to pm me if you just want to talk.

Wish for peace for all of us.

[SandyS]

Oh Shannon -

You have shown everyone here what a strong, wonderful, loving person you are..........now be strong, wonderful and loving to yourself. I haven't personally dealt with the loss of a spouse, so I can only imagine the depth of pain and lonliness.

It IS so hard to make friends when you're "older". I lost most of my "friends" thru divorce (because they were the wives of my ex's friends), and have never really managed to replace them, although I tried, like you said, there's just not that many scenarios to develop new friends, much less "dating relationships".

Wish I were closer...........we could have a drink and drown our sorrows!

Hang in there lady, and email any time you want,

Hugs and prayers,

SandyS

[J.C.]

Only God knows what the future has in stock for us,

so we have to live day by day till the present gets to be the past

and the future is today.

We have to accept life and keep on with tears or smiles but

keep on.

I also wonder what is in reserve for me, no family, no children,

no real friends because they all died before me, and I am alone

at 75 years old, so maybe I am living my future already.

Just hope for those that are younger than I am that they find

a place where there will be joy, laughter, peace and acceptance

that is what life is all about.

God Bless.

J.C.

[Connie B]

My Dear Friend Shannon,

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((SHANNON)))))))))))))))))))))))))!

I know you need more then a hug, and GOD only knows I wish I could do that for you. I would in a minute! But, for now I can only give you a hug and tell you YOUR WONDERFUL and GOD will guide you and you will find what your looking for in time to come. Keep your eyes open, you would be surprised the signs God gives us!

For those of you that don't know. I have had the HONOR & Great PRIVILEGE of meeting our Dear, Wonderful, Loving, Insightful, Caring, Kind Friend Shannon. And I just HAVE to share with you all that she is even MORE WONDERFUL, LOVING, KIND, & BEAUTIFUL than you have read from her posts on this board. SHE IS INCREDIBLE!!

I know you have faith and I know you are close to our Lord, and you know and I know that he will do what's best for US when the time is right.

I believe in God and I believe in you my friend, and all good things DO come to those that wait. BABY STEP?!

Much Love and Support,

Connie

[lilyjohn]

My problem is that I want to meet people but shy away from them. A hello to a neighbor while walking my dog is enough for me most of the time. None of them have anything in common with me. Most of them have families or are a couple. My own family other than my niece are thousands of miles away. I have no interest in men what so ever other than as a friend or aquaintance to say a few words to. I had the best with Johnny. Why would I settle for less? I had second best for far too many years. Mine and Johnny's relationship was perfect now nothing less will do. That can not happen again.

Most days I feel lost. I have nothing to look forward to and no real dreams. The only thing that I really want is in the past Johnny and his love. I just drift from thing to thing and never settle down for long. Sometimes I think I should be doing something. Yet nothing really seems important enough to do. I don't feel like doing anything. I just think I should be. It almost feels too easy to just do nothing. I am starting to like it and want to just sit here and dream of the past with Johnny. Nothing else seems to keep me interested.

I really need to start looking for a job now but put it off. I'm not sure what I want to do and it seems too difficult to try to find one. I have worked hard all of my life. Sometimes on jobs out of the home but most of the time just being a homemaker and mother. I wanted everything perfect. I always used work to hide from my emotions but that doesn't work any more. I'm just tired and feel like a walk with my dog and sitting looking out the window is enough. I know it is not but other than this message board I really want nothing else. When I connect here or write about our life together I feel like I have him again for a few minutes. Then once more he is gone and I still don't know how to live without him.

It is just so hard and no one knows how hard unless they are here themselves. Kind words help but they don't fill the emptiness. Nothing does.

[J.C.]

Lilyjohn,

You feel at home here, like I do, because we shared with others

part of our life, dreams, hopes, worries and finally grief, and this

place will always stay a refuge for when the spirit is low or when

it soars.

We do not get insidious questions here, we get shoulders to lean on,

we are able to open our heart and bare our soul without shame and

there is always understanding and acceptance.

We are living in our memories at the present time, and the people

we meet are living in the present, so there is not much we can share

with them.

It takes a strong person to live alone and try to be happy after

being chopped down by life.

Words do not comes easy to me, but I still try to offer as much as

I get with my limited experience.

Good luck and stay happy.

J.C.

[Snowflake]

Shannon,

I truly am without words, and that doesn't happen often! I have so many things I would like to share, but as soon as I type something out, it appears irrelevant.

I have never experienced an unintentional loss of a spouse (I'm divorced, and that was an intentional loss, believe me!) so I don't have any words of wisdom. I have lost people close to me that I didn't live with, I'm sure the grief is far more acute if it's a 24/7 partner than a special grandparent, high school friend, etc. and I cannot imagine compounding the grief I have felt at my losses at least tenfold.

I can say that, no matter what, YOU will be able to go on. There is no alternative, you HAVE to go on. Failure is not an option and I'm sure that Mike wouldn't want you to just give up - he didn't.

I can understand wanting a separate life from your parents and children, to be your own person. That takes some time, but it's not impossible.

As for taking the day-to-day living stuff for granted, I doubt you did. It was comfortable and it was as easy as breathing. I would bet that every time you had a disagreement you knew how precious the "norm" was and cherished it. Don't beat yourself up, you did nothing wrong and long for that again. Take your time, you just may find it (but not if you're looking for it).

Sometimes, a friend is just a friend and sometimes a friend has potential for something more.

Gee, for being speechless, I sure have gone on and on...

Shannon, I guess the message is to take care of you (and right now, you are NOT an "available woman" - your heart is still healing).

Here's hoping you receive that patience, peace and serenity,

Becky

[Candy]

I am continually amazed when I read the posts in this section because they mirror my feelings and thoughts so closely. I also struggle with that lost feeling. My thoughts have been that I just don't know "who" I am. A co-worker who lost her husband to lung cancer a few weeks after I lost Hugh told me that she didn't know where she "belonged" But no matter what words you use to try to describe it, its the same feeling as Shannon not know where she fits. Hugh was such a part of me that without him I am no longer the same person. Who am I? Where do I fit? Where do I belong? What I simply don't know and I think its that feeling that causes me to have the moments of panic that I can't get rid of. I go to the grocery store and I feel like the word "widow" is flashing over my head, I want to get out and be with people but when I am with people I just want to be home as quickly as I can, when I am home I am lonely. The days stretch out endlessly. When Hugh was alive I would anxiously await the end of the work day to get home and be with him, now I hate to see 4:00 roll around. My house is silent, no one to share my day with. I have nothing in common with my married brother and sister anymore and I just find myself getting irritated with them when we are together because they continually talk about all of the stuff they are planning and doing together and I don't have a thing to add to their conversation and I just get nervous and sad.

I really do want to find the spot where I will be able to be at least somewhat content. I am not looking for happy just less unhappy. It seems to me like I am searching for something that just isn't there. I sure hope time is the great healer that it is supposed to be.

[Ann]

Well, let me chime in and say that I also know how all of you are feeling! It's so hard to begin a new life and not take your old life with you. I find that I hold Dennis as a standard to others and they must meet those standards...which I must say is a very tall order! I am now dreading preparing my income tax return and checking that box beside WIDOW. It's so hard to see this in words and really remember that you fit into that category. While I was out yesterday I saw a man in the distance walking his dog. From afar, the man looked identical to my Dennis....same build, hair color...even the same type casusal clothing Dennis would have worn. Was I content to look from the distance and think about the comparison? Nope...I had to almost run to catch up with him and take a look at his face. I felt such disappointment when his face looked nothing like the face I had loved for 26 years! After that, I was so depressed. I do have good days now but there is and will always be that deep empty feeling. Our youngest son is now 25...the same age Dennis was when we met...and he looks almost identical to his Dad. This is very hard to deal with as seeing him brings back so many wonderful memories of such a long time ago. I pray that all posting here will find peace and that each day will be easier than the day before.

[flabet]

I understand so much of how all of you are feeling. I miss Doug so much it is still very painful. Everytime someone asks me how I'm doing I choke up. I told my daughter and my friend that I know I am somewhat depressed, but if I died tomorrow I wouldn't really mind, because then I would be with Doug and nothing could be better than that. I live my life a day at a time and have no plans for any different future. I believe life will probably be long and lonely for me until I am with Doug again. I can only hope things will look brighter someday for all of us.