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How I explain what grief is


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Someone asked me one day how I was able to handle Randy's passing. It is said that time helps and for me it has. But this is how I explained my grief.

First of all, Randy was doing woodworking when he got sick and I think this is how I came to feel the way I do.

When we are born, we are like a very clean, smooth, virgin piece of beautiful wood. As we go through life we encounter things that hurt us. It is like a hammer hitting the wood and putting a dent into it and making it splinter. Time is like a piece of sandpaper. Over time, if you take the sandpaper and rub on the wood, the nicks and dents and splinters take on a different shape. It smooths out the damage. The dents and nicks will always be there because once you have dented or nicked the wood, you can't fill it up again or make it like new. But the sandpaper smooths out the edges and gives the wood a whole new character to it. It become smooth again, the roughness disappears but the grain is still there, just the squareness is gone and the wood takes on a new shape to it. It changes the character of the wood.

That is how I explain what grief is. At first when the wood is damaged, it looks rough and has splinters, but after the sandpaper has done its job, it smooths out again.

When you first lose those you love, your heart is raw and it hurts like nothing you have ever felt before. But over time, it heals but is never the same again. You find a new apprieciation for what you have NOW. Life is ever changing and so must we if we are to find beauty in life again.

This is how I explain my grief and how I have healed. I have more healing to do and probably will for along time, but I am at peace with what has happened. I am begining to see the beauty in the wood again.

I wish each of us enough strength, grace and dignity to become peace filled again.

Much love,


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You are a wonderful contributor to this group. I greatly appreciate your words and you have been helpful to others like you. I hope you will carry on with us and become an advocate for Lung Cancer. For far too many of us, our lives after diagnosis, are far too short to make a difference. You and others like you are the ones who must "carry the torch" and retain consistancy in our quest for greater research and fewer lost lives to lung cancer.

Thank you for being here and carrying on in Randy's name, in spite of your grief. We all love you.

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Thank you for your words and wood.

You explained so well what life is now

compared to what it was before.

It is life still, but richer for having been lived

and marked by time but it will get smooth around

the edges with each day passing.

Thank you Shirley.



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Shirley, that is beautiful. Thank you. I'm afraid after two months I am still very raw, but I know I will smooth out some day. I do pray daily for strength, peace and love and I know God answers all prayers in his own way. Thank you again for your soothing words.


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This is just so beautiful, Shirley! I know we have all been using that sandpaper a lot lately. This was such a nice way to expalin what so many of us are feeling. You know, after I got past the one year mark the sandpaper is working much better for me!!!!

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  • 3 weeks later...


Have faith. It takes time. Your grief is so new and so raw. You will have better days ahead, but just like having a baby, it takes time. It won't happen over night. Know that I love you for who you are and I do understand what you are going through. The first weeks are the hardest. I too cried rivers of tears and still do some days now. But we adjust in time and we do heal from the hurt. We never forget, we just go on. You will have happiness again. If you want or need to talk, you have my number I think, if not, let me know and I will call you. I still have your number.

May God keep you and shine His love upon you now and always. May you feel Him holding you close. Know that Buddy is with Him and is there for you too.

Love you Norme,


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  • 1 month later...
Guest blynch


Thank you for your beautiful interpretation. We lost my dad just two and a hlaf weeks ago, and sometimes I wonder how I will survive the pain. Reading all the messages on this board has been a true inspiration. I will keep you all in my prayers, and ask you to do the same.

Thank you all,


In memory of my truly amazing father and friend, Owen Bonner

Born November 12, 1948

Born into Heaven March 13, 2004

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