Gay Posted February 1, 2004 Share Posted February 1, 2004 Saturday - a day to relax. A day to rest. Still re-fueling (both of us from a day at the VA). Gameplan - pay rent ($50 off contest if paid before the 1st; I'm a contest addict - I don't give up easily), get some burgers at our newfound Greasy Spoon place and bring them home. We like home. Problem: I'm not feeling well and Dean has Cancer. Problem: I add - on mailing letters and stopping at the Market to get brown sugar to make banana bread for neighbors who witnessed Dean's Will - will have plenty enough left for us, too. Problem: These add - on's were discussed last night and Dean's feeling lousy today; yet wants burgers. Other stuff can wait. Out we go; agree to pay rent today (as long as we have the car - I don't drive due to meds - it's a heck of a walk to the Office; 2 major hills; but will have to walk it soon as we're discussing starting the process of selling the car (my inheritance to keep me & our cats in rent and food for about 10 months until I find a job). Problem/insight - As leaving burger place; a guy about Dean's age inquires about Dean's oxegen tank (oh, no - the last time we were there; this old fart who had just placed his order; in exagerated arm and chest motions said: "Fill me up with air!!!": Dean had the oxegen tank on wheels then and about rolled over his feet if he hadn't had moved out of the way of the counter so we could place our order.) - the guy had lost his father, I don't know if he said Cancer; as it was talk on the move to get to the car and home and burgers in us as quickly as possible; but what I DID hear was that the guy said his father was in A LOT OF PAIN for a long time. This guy even commented that Dean looked great!!! I think Dean looks great, too. Dean said he doesn't fear the Cancer or even death - it's the fear of pain that is here now. He hurts physically. He has Cancer, DAMN IT, and I've watched him go physically downhill, bit by bit, thinking I've listened to his "pain", too, not just(?) a bit down, a bit depressed etc. I try not to add-on; a balancing act of what he can do each day vs what he really would like to do. Right now he wishes "it were all over" - sorry hon, if I shared a secret, and is asleep on the sofa. I tend to "mother" him a bit and I want to make him "not hurt"; physically and mentally. I just love him so much and have grown dependent on him the last few years as my illness got up and bit me - I had had no problems for 20 years; Dean had never seen what my illness (the psychosess) could do under the constant stress we've been under for about 5 years until my mind took a "hike". I know I'm a strong woman - can figure things out; but have got to stop living in the future; dwelling on life without Dean. He's still alive!!! We still have laughter in our life and our two "kids"; the cats keep us more than occupied. (Dean's cat; Bo (the lovingly dumb one - possible premie or product of too much inbreeding - may be a true Ragamuffin; new breed suppose to weight in at 20lbs; he weighs about 6lbs), sits in his lap while Dean's on the computer -just started doing that on his own; and my cat, Tory; the super smart part siamese, a lot rounded (11lbs) oh so loving tabby, after Dean's gentle coaxing over the past few months, sits on his lap when he's on the sofa). The point of all these "problems" is ACCEPTANCE, over and over again. Dean has his "up" days and "down" days. I hope the Prozac will help; but will not kick in overnight (about 4 - 6 weeks) and it's being mailed, sometime. And meds alone don't solve life's problems. So I finally did it! I posted some pain of my own, seeing and hearing from a stranger that his father was in immense pain. I would not wish any type of pain on anyone, much less my husband, my best friend of close to 20 years. It's "funny"; one of you newer people wrote that she just found out that her husband of 20 years was diagnosed with Cancer - my immediate thought was "that poor, poor girl; how can I help her, make it all better" - but my dumb fear of not saying the right thing, feeling too shy to post a response because I miss who said what, who's who, etc - I'm sorry. I feel so deeply for your pain. Just wanted to air mine and that it took a stranger's comment and Dean's response of "that's what he's been dealt" to really "get it"....I hope. Thanks for listening. Good old aol dropped me off this msg and I don't want to lose it agan. I'm having lots of tears (finally) and can't see the screen too much. Thank you for starting this board. Hope and love to you all. Thanks for loving Dean, too. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ry Posted February 1, 2004 Share Posted February 1, 2004 Oh Gay, sure we love Dean, but we love you too. It's gonna be hard, but we're all gonna be right here with you. Rochelle Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BeckyCW Posted February 1, 2004 Share Posted February 1, 2004 Gay, I know it took a lot of courage to write this, and I just thought I would say that I wish I lived closer and could get to know you and Dean better. You sound like a couple with so much love and support for each other. I wish I knew what to say that could help. Just keep believing in yourself and loving Dean. I keep you both in my prayers. Becky Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kimblanchard Posted February 1, 2004 Share Posted February 1, 2004 Gay Thanks for posting. I wish there was something I could do to make it easier for you. All I can do is offer my support and prayers for you and Dean. You have come to the right place with your feelings, there are a lot of fantastic people on here who are always willing to listen and offer advice or consoling words and it does help a lot. At least you are not alone with your pain. I sometimes wonder what I would do without this board, I don't know but I know it would sure be a lot more difficult. Hang in there and take each day and enjoy the moments. I once asked my husband how he does it, 12 years ago he was given a 2% chance of survival and yes he is still here, his answer is always the same, "I take it one day at a time, and each day that I wake up is a gift". He has been such an example to me, especially since my diagnosis. I enjoy every moment of every day that God gives me. Yes some days are not so great but I always think it could be worse. Bess B Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Don Wood Posted February 1, 2004 Share Posted February 1, 2004 Gay, you two are something else! Love you both! Don Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
glo Posted February 1, 2004 Share Posted February 1, 2004 Gay - Hugs going out to you. You and Dean are special people. I told him in a pm that I especially look for his posts. His name is Dean Carl, and my husband's was Carl Dean. Not that common of a combination. I think they both are special men and probably would have enjoyed knowing each other. You have been dealt a very hard hand and yet have time and love to share with others. Don't be embarrassed to share your feelings. We all understand. Gloria Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Karen C Posted February 2, 2004 Share Posted February 2, 2004 Gay - add my hug to the pile - to both of you. you are so lucky to have each other. and no matter what, Dean will always be with you, in your heart - and you in his. wow, I'm just blown away by how much love and respect you have for each other. don't be afraid to share with us, we're a pretty understanding bunch. Love and God Bless to you both, Karen C. (Dave C's wife) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Snowflake Posted February 2, 2004 Share Posted February 2, 2004 Gay, You're doing a damn fine job with all the emotional baggage you are carrying! Don't kid yourself, girl...if your mind took a vacation, it was a self-preservation thing! Glad you ordered medication, wish it worked instantly... It's a great thing that Dean has you to support him through this horrible journey, it's horrible that you both have to be on the trail. I applaud your determination and strength. We're here when you need a hand....or an "ear" as the case may be. You don't have to walk alone - either one of you. Any time, Gay, any time... Becky Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Angie Daughter of Bill Posted February 2, 2004 Share Posted February 2, 2004 Gay You are entitled to break down. Up until yesterday, I had been living with my Dad's diagnosis as if he was already dead, too. But, I had some good advice and a swift kick in the rear from a few folks here, and I am coming to terms with this terrible disease. In fact there was a very smart guy who sent me a personal message that had some wonderful advice. He was a bit stern, but yet gentle...........like a father of an adult daughter would be. Yep, it was your Dean! You are lucky to have each other. Enjoy every moment. On the days that you don't feel like getting out and about, you can just sit around and talk ugly about the VA hospital. (That should be a full day!) Hugs to both of you!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mhutch1366 Posted February 3, 2004 Share Posted February 3, 2004 Dear Gay, I am honored that you chose to share with us what you are feeling. I know it can't be easy for you, but you did it, and I'm glad you feel a little better for it. Dear dear lady, your much beloved husband and your much beloved self are part of our family here, and I will listen to you, and support you emotionally as best as I can for as long as you need me to. So will many of the others here. Bonds formed by common trials are tough ones. I appreciate Dean Carl's thoughtful messages, and rant with him at the dumb stuff the VA does. He is very special, and so are you. Try to look at the upside, even if it means taking it one second at a time. And know you are both in my thoughts and prayers..... MaryAnn XOXOXOX Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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