Picture

[Candy]

I guess I should have tried this before. If I had only realized just how easy it is to add a picture. This one is Hugh driving the pontoon boat up the Connecticut River 2 summers ago. Before Cancer when we were enjoying our "new" life, the one where all of our children were grown up and we were planning on learning to live in our empty nest and enjoy it. My brother and his wife were with us that day and we were heading up the river to picnic, swim and fish. He was SO happy. How quickly things change.

I miss him more and more each day. He was a wonderful man. I am finding it overwhelmingly difficult to adjust to my life without him. Who am I with part of me missing, where do I belong? I am 48 years old and it seems like it will probably be a LONG time before I will see him again.

I recently attended my son's boot camp graduation in San Antonio (Don Wood - If you read this - I took a side trip to Houston because my nephew lives there and I thought about you, we stayed 2 days and toured NASA because my nephew works there). I had a few melt downs thinking about how Hugh and I had planned the trip together and how excited he was about it. Also, I knew how proud he would have been of our son. He told me in the hospital that he wouldn't make Jeremy's graduation and to tell him that day that he was there watching him and that he was proud. Think I got through that without tears? I was near hysteria trying to get it out. But Jeremy was happy to hear it.

I would sell my soul to have one more minute with him. Just to put my arms around him for a hug. I love to think about Norme's Rainbow Bridge. I hope Hugh can be there also. Maybe he and Buddy could strike up a friendship. We had a beloved dog, Putter, who died 15 years ago and our Basset Hound who was Hugh's princess is nearly 14. I want to think that he will wait there with Putter and that Maybelle will be able to find him there when her time comes. Norme - that Rainbow Bridge which I had never before gives me a very big comfort level. I can close my eyes and work up a vision of what it would be like.

I just needed to ramble a little bit today. Thanks for listening, this board is part of what has gotten me through this.

[shelliemacs]

Candy,

I think this week and last week were all traveling through the same emotions.

I went to my moms grave for the first time yesturday in a while. I just can't go there and think of her lying under the dirt. but yesturday my dad wanted me to take him there so he could polish her stone.

it hit me again. I still see the dirt. her grass has not grown yet. so seeing the dirt I realized all over again that mom is gone now and then seeing dads name already engraved on the stone with the date of birth and waiting for his date of death kills me. knowing that dad now had lung cancer too and will be lying there sooner rather than later. I just can't come to grips with her being gone and he going soon.

when does it get easier.

[Cindy RN]

I am so sorry for you both. It does get easier, I am not sure when it happened but it does. My mom has been gone 10 years this July. I don't know where the time went. I remember when her grave did not have grass on it. That first Christmas I had a grave blanket (lots of pine branches and red ribbon) put on it so it did not look so bare. One day we will all be reunited. Bless you all.

[natalie]

Candy,

Hugh looks so happy in that picture...I hope that you remember him that happy because I know that's how happy he is now waiting for you at the Bridge swimming in the water below it. You are such a strong woman and you give me insight into what my Dad is feeling and going through. I hate that we all have to go through this. Thank God for this board. It has been so comforting to meet people like you with strength and an open heart.

I hope the days get easier for you.

[cathy]

Oh Candy,

I am so sorry..I talked to my mom today and like you her heart is soo broken..That is such a heartwarming picture of Hugh. Probably heartwarming and heartbreaking for you....I know its been said before, but I need to say it again, I hate what this monster has done to so many beautiful people. Will it ever end?

[norme]

Candy,

I feel your pain for I have it to. I said to myself today, if only i could have one more minute, hour or whatever just to give my Buddy a great big hug and hold on to him so he couldn't go. But both you and I know that will never happen, so I hang on to Buddy's and my lovely thought of meeting at Rainbow Bridge. There we will pick up all our lovely animals and to us the rest of our families who have gone before us will all be there for they to had loving animals and we will all enter into enternal life together.

Here is the paper my Buddy had in his desk drawer that I found after he passed.

Rainbow Bridge

Just this side of heaven is a place called Rainbow Bridge. When a pet dies--one that's been especially close to someone here, that pet goes to Rainbow Bridge. There are meadows and hills for all of our special friends so they can run and play together. There is plenty of food, water and sunshine, and our friends are warm and comfortable, fear and worry free.

All the animals who had been ill and old are restored to health and the vigor of youth. Those who were abused, hurt, or maimed are made whole and strong again, just as we would want to remember them in our dreams of days and times gone by.

The animals are happy and content, except for one small thing, they each miss someone very special to them, someone who had to be left behind. That someone who was kind, gentle and loving. That someone who took the extra step, stayed the extra minute, reached out and touched with love, even once.

The animals all run and play together, but the day comes when one suddenly stops and looks into the distance. His bright eyes are intent, his eager body quivers. Suddenly he begins to run from the group, flying over the green grass, his legs carrying him faster and faster.

You have been spotted and when you and your special friend finally meet, you cling together in joyous reunion, never to be parted again. The happy kisses rain upon your face, your hands again caress the beloved head, and you look once more into the big, trusting eyes of your special love, so long gone from your life but never absent from your heart.

Then you cross Rainbow Bridge together....

Author unknown

Buddy would say that he would wait there for me and he would spot me from afar and would hold out his arms for me and we would, along with our animals and other family and friends, cross Rainbow Bridge together and enter into eternal life. I promised I would be there to him many times and did again just a day before he could not speak anymore.

I like you am broken hearted. Just a minute more I plead....... but no one hears me

[shirleyb]

Candy,

Thank you for sharing this beautiful picture. It shows how much Hugh enjoyed life. He must be so proud of you and your son.

Norme, Thank you for sharing the Rainbow Bridge. It is something to focus on. Something positive to think about.

Like you both, I would give anything to be able to hold Randy close just once more. I miss him so and life seems so pointless and empty right now. The only thing keeping me here are my kids.

Much love to each of you,

Shirley

[Guest]

Candy,

What a great picture of Hugh. I am so sorry I have not been in touch, but I think of you all the time...and we still need to get together. I ache to hold Tim just one more time and hear him say "I love you". THe past 5 months have been so long without him...I never knew what lonely was until now.

I went to orientation today at UMass Memorial....I am now an official volunteer and will be working on the cancer floor and in the Levine Cancer center ....just to be there in case anyone needs to talk...or to provide whatever comfort I can. Funny how I think I get more comfort out of it being able to help. I can feel Tim saying..." Good Girl, Kath"..I know this is what he would want me to do. The waiting room project did get done in Tim's memory. South 5 now has a beautiful waiting room with leather reclining sofa and love seat, Oak entertainment unit, blue berber carpeting..and a gorgeous print of the ocean..Tim's favorite place. Dr. E told me today that she has used "Our" room....and even though she has used it to break bad news to patients families...she said that she is using it " the way Tim would have wanted"...because it is such a comforting room and tranquil...

I know Tim is happy about this, and the best way I can honor him until we can be together again is to continue to do whatever I can to help and also to support Dr. E.

I hope our memories can sustain us until we are all back together again...

Love to you all.....

Kathy

[hollyridge]

My heart is so heavy thinking of all of the pain we are feeling knowing it will be a long time before we are reunited with our precious loved ones. Our son is getting married in 8 weeks and our middle daughter is expecting a baby in June. How do I make it through these events without him? This still does not seem real. I dread this coming thursday when I have to say that he has been gone one whole month. I still want to die. I still want cancer. I want to know everything he went through. I want to suffer and die the way he did. I cannot imagine how to live without him. I thought God would guide me but I am feeling nothing. I need him so badly. I want to smell his skin and have him kiss me again. I forgot what it feels like. He kissed me the day he died but I cannot remember how it felt. I am sure I will lose my mind if this does not stop.

[Elaine]

Holly

I am on the other side of all of this. And I feel as if I will lose my mind too. Knowing that some precious day my daughter and son will marry and I won't be there for them. I pray they have children and they might need me, and I will not be there. I know your Bill felt the same way. But he only could go knowing that you were left to take his place the best you could. Pls be strong for him and all of us.

Elaine