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Pls pray I find the right words to tell my children


Elaine

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I have not told my chldren of my dx. I don't know the words and fear breaking down. They are young 23 and 24 and I feel like I am the one who is supposed to be there for them. And now, I feel like I have let them down. They are the dearest things to me. Pls help me find the words and the strength I need. I am beside my self with grief, shame, fear, and angry at myself that I can't seem to do this.

My daughter will be arriving at noon tomorrow.

I am stage IV, inoperable, told I have 6 months at best.

Pray for them too. Pls.

Elaine

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This is hard. I remember having to do the same thing. Just tell them the truth. Otherwise their imaginations run wild. I never mention 'time left' tho. I have been here 2 yrs longer than they said so I am glad I didn't. Good luck and be strong, we are the moms afterall.

Love and prayers for you, Cindy

(can't get signed in-CindyRN)

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Elaine,

Being a bit of a "wordsmith" myself (poetry, songwriting) I don't usually use other peoples words to say what I want to say ... but this time I will sense it was said so well in this Reba Mcentire song:

--------------------------------------------------------

From "What Do You Say" by Reba Mcentire.

Writent by: Michael Dulaney, Neil Thrasher

Chorus

What do you say in a moment like this

When you can't find the words to tell it like it is

Just close your eyes and let your heart lead the way

Oh what do you say

--------------------------------------------------------------

The "right" words are there in your heart.

And yea, I felt guilty and stuff about all this for awhile. But then I realized what I was doing to myself. So I slapped myself up 'long side the head (I have to do that now and then to get my attention) and told myself, "Self ... KNOCK IT OFF!" To which myself replied, "OK! OK! Just don't whack me anymore!!!"

Seriously Elaine, guilt and shame are two things you do NOT need in your life right now. And, since your doing that to yourself, guess what? You can stop doing it anytime you want! Pretty neat, huh? You don't even have to ask anybody's permission! You can stop beating yourself up ... just because you want to stop!

You WILL be able to do this. Just connect your mouth to your heart and let the words come.

Dean

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Elaine,

My heart goes out to you and your children. It is a very scary time for you and it will be for them also.

Just be honest with your kids. Follow Dean's advice. Don't beat yourself up with this. It is energy wasted that you could use elsewhere.

Just do the best you can. Forgive yourself just like you would forgive anyone else here for being here. You are in my prayers.

Much love,

Shirley

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Elaine,

I have an idea of how you feel right now....My children were 16, 18, and 21 when I was diagnosed.

Tell them the truth about having Lung Cancer, as simply and as straight forward as you can. They're going to be upset over the news, but they may just surprize you by how well they handle the time that follows the intitial shock.

Okay, now that I've said all that, how do you feel about changing doctors for one who will work harder for you to survive longer than the current doc's prognosis of 6 months? It's your decision, of course, and I respect your choices. It's your life...but there are those who will help you to find other options if that is what you want to do.

Best Wishes,

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Elaine, my heart goes out to you. Your children need to know what's what so they can respond to you properly. Children get a double whammy -- they fear the loss of a parent and they also fear the gene pool. But we can't save them from the agony -- only be honest with them and love them. As you can see from the bio below, my wife was given 8 months and she is now 17 months out and doing fine. Don

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Sweetie,

First off throw that 6 months out the window. No one knows when we are going to die. You may be one who responds well to treatment and has much longer than 6 months so don't focus on that. Second, dig down as far as you need to and find your fighting spirit! Attitude is EVERYTHING in fighting this disease. If you are a believer, contact your Pastor and ask to be placed on the prayer list from your church. If you are a believer without a church let me know and I will put you on the prayer list at MY church!

I firmly believe in the power of prayer so anyone you know who is a believer should be asked to pray for you! It DOES help!!!!!

God Bless you dear and I know when the time come the words will also.

MO

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Elaine, think long and hard about a second opinion. Or just fire the d*mn oncologist who gives you 6 months. If you want to fight, find an onc. who is willing to help.

Your children NEED to know what's going on (and I speak as the daughter of an LC patient). Give them the address of this site so they can get a helpful education.

Not all doctors are created equal. Extensive SCLC is pretty grim, but the doctors working with my mother have made it clear that there are many treatments available, and they will help her fight as long and as hard as she wants. All patients deserve that option.

I know NSCLC is less receptive to chemo, but it tends to move more slowly. Some patients surprise everybody - you could be one of them.

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Elaine,

I told my children (at that time age 40 and age 34) immediately. They each live elsewhere, but I wanted them to be completely informed. You'll probably find that they might react differently...my daughter wanted to be as involved as she could and my son spent the first year sort of in denial.

You need their support and they will want to support you. I never underestimate the fallout of my diagnosis on my loved ones. I feel they need to know everything so that they can in turn be supported themselves. They are as much in need as you and deserve an open and honest explanation.

The words will flow from your heart and your love...there is no wrong thing or right thing to say. I would strongly urge you to seek another opinion and to have one or both of your children to go with you when you meet with another doctor. There is much that can be done...make your decisions and come to this site for support and strength to follow through with your decisions.

I will hold you in my heart and prayers and look forward to hearing of your progress.

Blessings,

Margaret

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Dearest Elaine:

First, take a slow breath, then let it out slowly. As you're exhaling, imagine the guilt leaving you. Guilt for what? You have nothing to be guilty or ashamed about!! And listen to what Dean says... he knows what he's talking about.

Second, your childen will surprise you, I'm sure. It's amazing how strong our kids are. One thing I learned to do a long time ago is to say to myself a little prayer when I have to talk about something difficult. "God ... I don't know what to say, so you're going to have to do it for me. Guide my thoughts and words so it comes out the way it's supposed to. Together, you and I can do this. Ok God ... it's showtime ... do your stuff!" ... or words to that effect. Then take a breath and let the words flow.

Also, know that your kids love you and want to help. That's what love is, you know. You'll cry a little together, hopefully laugh a little together, but most importantly you're sharing yorselves together.

You and your family are in my prayers, and I know you'll do just fine!

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From a "childs" perspective- honesty is the best policy. Now, since they are not in the doctors office with you- you can pick and choose how much you want to disclose, but let them know what is going on with your health and take your cues from them.

In my case- i was with my dad from the first appointment, Everything he heard, I heard too- there is nothing worse than being shocked and devestated- yet try to remain postiive and stong for your loved one (and vice-versa him for me) and to not let the fear show on your face.

With my siblings, my dad never spoke of his cancer, or his prognosis- from time to time he would say he was tired or that the treatments were really tough. That was all they could handle. With me, it seems like he knew I wasn't going to run or stick my head in the sand so everything was laid out on the line between us.

Your kids love you- and they will support and help you in whatever way they know how- and each in his/her own way. Give them a chance.

Good luck and heres a ((hug)) for you.

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Elaine, if you can't talk of it, write it down for them to read. Either way, they have a right to know about their loving mom.

Get rid of the 6 mo thought. Only God knows how long one has. Try and get in a fighting mode and get out there and fight like he////////. YOu can do it......

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I too am a child of LC from not just one but now both parents. with moms it was a shock but boy did I jump in the pool with her (as much as I could) and went to almost every appointment and was her information superstar. I scoured the internet and found things away from medical treatments that would help her fight on. when she passed away and dad went into his depression and the got his dx of Lung cancer as well. I geared up all over again and am fighting with a veterans perspective but fight on I will as long as he needs me to and he wants to.

dont underestimate your kids love for you as well. sometimes its the drive that will make the difference you will need.

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Elaine,

You'll feel much better once the air is clear, and this is all out in the air.

Please don't beat up on yourself.

Please also don't 'settle' for a doctor who won't give it less of a fight than you are willing to. Remember, you're paying him to work for you. If he won't work, find a doctor who will. There are plenty of therapies to try, and more in the chute every week.

I believe, as my rad onc said, in 'guarded optimism'. Good phrase.

Take one day at a time, put one foot in front of the other and don't forget to breathe... :)

You could outlive me, and I'm not going anywhere, least not planning to.

Hang tough,my friend.

XOXOX

MaryAnn

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