missing my hubby

[shirleyb]

Memorial Day is almost here.

I went back and read my posts about Randy from when he got sick until he died. It was only 3 weeks time. To this day, I miss him and the pain has really never stopped.

As I think of him and this holiday, I have come to realize that the love we had was very special. I also have come to realize that he would not want me suffering as I do with the sadness that at times is so overwhelming it hurts.

I have made a decision though. I am going to find happiness in my life again. Randy would have wanted that more than anything because he did love me. I know that as he watches over me from heaven, he is saying, "Shirl, time to get with the program. You promised you would make it and be happy again. Now do it girl! I can't stand to see you in so much sadness and pain anymore. It is time to get back to living like I wanted to. You have to do it for me. You have to do it for the kids. You have to do this for you. You promised me that you would. You need to keep on keeping on and find that which makes you smile again. Just this one thing is all I ask of you. In doing that, you have honored our love for each other."

So in honor of him and in honor of Memorial Day, I am making a choice to find that ray of sunshine that comes up every morning. I am making a choice to live life to its fullest. Yes it is hard, but once you have made a commitment to finding that glimmer of hope, that little bit of happiness, you find it is easier to remember the good times and the laughter without so much pain. Oh I know there will still be tears and there will be days that my heart just aches because I miss him. But he is with me now and will always be.

I loved him like he loved me and if it were me instead of him, this is what I would want for him. To keep on LIVING. To find happiness again, to find himself strong and able to face the world knowing that he was loved for himself. My memories of him will not die or fade away. But I will remember the good times and the love we shared for all those years. It is my way of honoring him.

I pray for all of us. Those that have lost their loved ones, and those that are still fighting the battle. I pray for strength for each of us. Don't lose sight of the rewards for loving each other.

They want us to enjoy the God given blessings we have. Keep your eyes open for the miracles that happen each and every day we LIVE. In living life, we honor them and give thanks.

I am so thankful that Katie and Rick have this board running and I can share these most private thoughts with you.

May you all have a peace filled holiday full of love and kindness. May you smile as you think of those you loved and still do love.

You are in my prayers now and always,

Much love to each of you.

Shirleyb

Randy's number one fan.

[norme]

Shirley, I sure hope and pray you can do this.

I wish with all my heart I could but am finding it is getting harder each day rather then easier. I went to a memorial that Hospice gave and that brought back all the memories of Buddy's illness. I have not been able to let go of that pain since then. I told myself not to go and I should have listened to myself. It sure did not help as hospice had hoped I suppose.

I am glad for one thing, I am glad that Buddy went first for he could not have stood the pain and the missing of one's partner. I am finding it almost impossible anymore. I cry as much now as I did after he passed. Oh, maybe not as much but a lot. Surely this has to get better.

I will say some prayers that it works for you. Maybe another 3 months and I might be able to think that way...God Bless

[shirleyb]

Norme,

I know for you and Peg and some of the others that this post might be hard. I have been where you are. I was lucky I wasn't working at the time. I could not have done it. I remember how I hurt after only a few short weeks. But for me it has been 10 months since Randy died. You and Buddy were together long than I have been alive, so I can just imagine how deep your love for him must be and how much you miss him.

Be kind to yourself. You are only doing what I and many others have done. Mourning the loss of the love of my life. My one true friend. And it is lonely and it hurts and you just can't see how to keep going. But going you do.

I know this mission I have come to accept is not going to be easy. I am sure I will have days when I choose not to accept the mission. But I have already told myself that that is okay too. I am only human. I just know that in my heart, I need to try.

Take care wonderful lady that you are. You are oh so special to me.

You are in my prayers.

Love,

Shirley

[stand4hope]

Shirley, That was a beautiful tribute to Randy and the love you shared. Thank you for sharing your deepest feelings with all of us.

God loves you!!!

Peggy

[Donna G]

Shirley when I was small I remember women who wore black every day for one year after loosing a loved one. It was a sign to all that they were in mourning. People don't wear black for that reason now but it doesnt change what we go through. I saw what a special couple you and Randy were. I know you miss him. It is good to look for the bright good things in life , I know Randy did, but also as he would say , be kind to yourself and give yourself permission to mourn your loss , little by little it will get better. Donna G

[J.C.]

Shirley,

Each day, will bring back the memory of your husband, but with time

all the good days you had together will be on the surface of your

souvenirs.

So hard to go from one day to the next one alone, but we will do it

for them, because they wanted us to be happy in life, but could not

keep up anymore.

For a while I was doing better, I was so busy with all the paper work,

correspondence and phone calls, and all that I was doing for him,

now that is all done I find myself regressing and going back in time and missing him so much,

that life stand still and the tears are always near.

Just hoping for better days for all of us that lost a dear one.

Randy is looking after you and wants you to be happy and will smile

on all the progress you make in that direction.

The love you had shows through your message and will stay with you

and bring you good memories and souvenirs.

Good luck Shirley.

J.C.

[cathy]

Dear Shirley,

Thank you again for yet another inspiring post. This morning was not a good morning for me, mostly because I cant get my life back..much of my pain comes from having to be strong for my mom and it is literally tearing me apart. My husband and I had a long talk this morning and I have decided I need to find my new normal, I need to break away from my mom a little because I just cant seem to heal. I see her everyday and on top of my pain I have hers, so I need a break.. I have 4 other siblings who need to step up and help out...

My dad was an awesome man, just like Randy I know he wouldnt want any of us being sad, so I just copied your post and everyones responses and I am giving them to my mom..I think you are awesome, Shirley.Thank You

God does work in mysterious ways, you sure have picked me up today...

[glo]

Shirley -

Thanks for the post. It helps me to reinforce what I have to make myself do also. We went through so much the same things. Feel free to PM me on those down days -- or up ones -- if you ever just want to talk.

Cathy - I sent you a PM with my thoughts from a mom's perspective.

Enjoy the holday, everyone.

Gloria

[shirleyb]

Thank you to all who replied and those that didn't but read what I posted. I know it is a tough area to talk about. Trying to be happy again. Like Donna G said, we need to take the time to mourn those we have loved so dearly for so long. But I know for me, I also need to find that which makes me smile. I am a pretty young 47 year old who has a lot of life left to live. And I want to find that which makes me happy and makes me smile again from the heart. I want to savor life.

I had to work on Monday but I did take time off to go to the cemetery. I was so happy that all six of my kids made it up there while I was there. They made me feel so proud of how we have all come to handle Randy's death. It has made us more compassionate, stronger people. The kids have come to understand what Randy and I shared and tried to share with them. That family comes first. That no matter what happens, we stand strong together. As a "team" we can handle anything that as individuals we could not do alone. It gave them the chance to say how they felt and are still feeling with losing their father. To me it really was a "Kodak" moment that will forever be one of my precious memories. To have all of us standing arm in arm, remembering the good times we all had and the pain we all share still.

Thank you for letting me run at the mouth. If I could do anything in the world to have Randy back, I would. Just as I know each of you would too.

Thank you for letting me know it is okay to do what I am doing. I am on a "mission" that I know is going to take me through the depths of dispare but also over the mountain tops of joy. I just have to keep on keeping on and as Randy always said, play the hand you are dealt to the best of your ability. That is all God ever asked of us, was to do the best we can with what we have.

Much love to you all.

Shirelyb

[kimblanchard]

There are a couple of things that happened to me to really help getting on with what I am doing.

The first was a series of discussions I had with my housekeeper. She is a sweet girl, younger even than us, and I was so grateful for her help the last four months of Becky's life and then the two months of transition before moving. We talked for a quite a while on a couple of the days she came over. She is separated from her husband, not divorced because they can't find him. She has three children, the youngest is seven and has a severe seizure disorder, sometimes having up to 150 seizures a day, roughly one every ten minutes around the clock. She had been a stay at home mom, but now is trying to raise a family of four on the disability for her son and whatever houses she can clean.

As we talked, I realized that my lot was not so bad. There is one horrible thing in my life, like there has been for 18 months. First it was that Becky had cancer, now that she is gone. But we have relative financial security, I have a great job, and am surrounded by family and friends that loved Becky and love me. I would never trade places with this girl, and yet she shows up with a cheery disposition and a fighter's heart every week.

The second thing that really helped me was focusing on how hard Becky fought. She fought because she understood how precious every day is. I vowed to make every day as precious to me as her days were to her. I fail most days, but that is because Beck was a single-minded focused woman, and I can't match up in many respects. But it is my goal each morning.

Curtis