Daddys Little Girl @ 35!

I just love mother daughter stories....keeping your family in my thoughts and prayers.

Welcome to the site. I'm new here too and my father is the patient. I just wanted to say that I think that taking your wife to the support group is wonderful. I know you mentioned that your children are older, maybe they might even be interested in something like that??? Just a thought. Keeping you and your family in my prayers...

a ton of different web sites. This one was quite interesting. Here is the copy/paste from http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/20 ... 070102.htm, hope this helps: Avastin-Tarceva Combo Provides 'One-Two' Punch Against Lung Cancer Results of the first clinical trial to combine two new targeted cancer drugs suggest that the combination may provide a powerful "one-two punch" against lung cancer, the nation's leading cancer killer. Related News Stories FDA Approves New Drug For The Most Common Type Of Lung Cancer (November 25, 2004) -- The Food and Drug Administration (FDA) announced the approval of Tarceva (erlotinib) tablets as a single agent treatment for patients with locally advanced or metastatic non-small cell lung cancer ... > full story Targeted Therapy For Lung Cancer Patients Shows Promise In Extending Lives (June 23, 2004) -- Oncologists at Rush University Medical Center, Chicago, are studying what they believe may be the wave of the future for treating patients with advanced stage lung cancer: individualized targeted ... > full story New Drug May Help Fight Some Lung Cancers (March 19, 2004) -- Northwestern Memorial Hospital is the only Chicago area hospital currently enrolling participants in a research study to find out if the drug Tarceva, also know as erlotinib, may help fight ... > full story Revolutionary Treatment For Inoperable Lung Cancer (February 7, 2000) -- The Indiana University School of Medicine will be the first site in the nation to investigate a new non-invasive therapy that may help patients with medically inoperable, early-stage lung cancer. The ... > full story > more related stories -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Related section: Health & Medicine The work, led by researchers at the Vanderbilt-Ingram Cancer Center in Nashville, Tenn., and The University of Texas M.D. Anderson Cancer Center in Houston, was presented at the 40th annual meeting of the American Society of Clinical Oncology in New Orleans. Tumors were controlled among 85 percent of the 40 patients with advanced non-small cell lung cancer (NSCLC) who entered the Phase I/II trial of a combined regimen of bevacizumab (Avastin TM) and erlotinib (Tarceva TM). The response rate – proportion of patients whose tumors shrank in size by more than half – was about 20 percent, while median survival was 12.5 months. This compares to about 10 percent response and between six and eight months median survival with traditional therapy or erlotinib alone, said Alan Sandler, M.D., associate professor of Medicine and director of the lung cancer clinical program at Vanderbilt-Ingram. The treatment resulted in only mild side effects, including rash and diarrhea, and the drugs did not appear to interact adversely with one another, the investigators report. "The anti-tumor activity was encouraging," said Sandler, who presented the research at the meeting. "These findings suggest not only that combining these two agents is feasible, but that this approach may provide a one-two punch against tumors that should be further examined in larger clinical trials." Lung cancer is the leading cause of cancer death in the United States, killing more than 157,000 people each year, more than the next four leading cancers (colorectal, breast, prostate and pancreas) combined. About 85 percent of all lung cancers are non-small cell cancers, and nearly half of these patients are diagnosed with advanced disease and receive only chemotherapy or supportive care, the investigators say. Despite newer third-generation chemotherapies, most of these patients become resistant to treatment or develop side effects so severe that they cannot continue treatment. "Less toxic and more effective treatments are clearly needed," Sandler said. The two drugs, both delivered orally, are among newer so-called targeted cancer agents that focus on specific molecular features of cancer cells. Because they potentially target cancer cells while sparing healthy cells, the hope for these new agents is more effective cancer therapy with fewer side effects. Bevacizumab blocks the vascular endothelial growth factor (VEGF), which is involved in making new blood vessels (a process called angiogenesis) that help feed tumor growth and spread. Erlotinib inhibits the epidermal growth factor receptor (EGFr), a key player in delivery of signals that prompt the runaway cell growth that characterizes cancers. Increased activity of the EGFr pathway, as well as increased number of tumor blood vessels resulting from VEGF expression, are associated with poorer outcomes for patients with NSCLC, the investigators note. Other research has suggested that activities of EGFr and VEGF are related – EGFr appears to play a role in angiogenesis, while blocking VEGF appears to interrupt EGFr signaling. As a result, the researchers suspect that a dual blockade of these targets may be synergistic. Interim results from this research were presented at last year's ASCO meeting in Chicago, prompting other investigators across the country to examine this combination in other tumor types as well as combine other targeted agents in clinical trials, Sandler said. At the time the study was launched, it was the first time two drugs that had not yet been approved by the U.S. Food and Drug Administration were combined in a trial. Since that time, bevacizumab has been approved for use in advanced colorectal cancer in combination with chemotherapy. Erlotinib is pending FDA approval. Co-investigators include Roy Herbst, Eric Mininberg, Ted Henderson, Edward Kim, George Blumenschein Jr., Jack Lee, Mylene Truong, and Waun Hong of M.D. Anderson; David Johnson and David Carbone of Vanderbilt-Ingram; Ben Garcia of the University of Texas Southwestern Medical Center; and Dong Xie and Sean Kelley of Genentech Inc., which makes both drugs and funded the clinical trial.

Thanks to everyone for the responses. I called the cancer clinic and spoke to the nurse today. I am feeling much better now. Because we are able to get a few sips in him we are going to hang tight until the office visit on Tuesday, more mom's idea than my own. Mom was getting him some OJ when I called. That sounded good to me. Plus he is still getting the one can of Boost a day. Tuesday then...At that time I will give you all an update. Also, I think that I will really be pushing mom into getting Hospice to start coming to the house now. I know that she is doing a great job caring for dad but I can also see the exhaustion creaping in slowly. Right now I am just gonna be like Frank, if the "Fat Lady comes a singin' I'm" getting Todd's gun. (Hopefully I will be a quick learner since I've never shot a gun in my life. haha That was the best post I have read yet...I guess I needed some humor for a change. Also, doesn't sound like dad is a candidate for any other treatments at this time. I told my mom that I am going to the appointment Tuesday, she is not very happy about it but that is too bad. I'm more aggressive than she is and feel that I might be able to get more answers than what she is even thinking about. Keeping my chin up today, especially for my daughters sake!! Thanks again...

Us Michiganders welcome you with open arms..

Frank, please don't confuse the fat lady with Santa, I could use some good presents this Christmas -- Keeping you and your family in our prayers here...

I'm sure that they can give him IV fluids, I know that they have in the past however right now my mom is basically waiting for the next doctor appoint on 5/24, I'm so much more outspoken then she is that I am basically gonna push my way into the appointment. I need to speak to this doctor myself. You're right though, "Sucks" is the best work to describe this whole thing that I can say (verbally or online) without feeling ashamed. Mom is thinking that hospice is going to happen sooner than what we originally thought. I'll post again soon, eyes are shutting on me now -- tired and from crying too much the past couple of days. I need to find the peace that my mom has right now I guess. Thanks again.

Okay I want to wake up and pretend that today is one year ago and my dad still looked the way that he did then, Mom was still hopeful about living and there was not a care in the world for my daughter to worry about! That is my wish... But then real life somehow jumps up and bites at ya and then we end up where we are at today. Here on this websight that in a perfect world should not even have to exist! How fast life can change in one year. Took Todd and Jennifer over to see my parents today. Todd (my husband) was sick with a cold so we haven't been there together in a about 2 weeks now, didn't want him around dad. Last week Jennifer and I were visiting with them and dad looked pretty bad then. Today was worse, Dad was looking very weak. He can't walk very good anymore, I'm not sure if this is due to the fact that he has so much morphine or if it is because of the fact that he just does not eat or drink. He tried to stay in the livingroom and visit with us for a little while but he ended up going to lay down on his bed instead. I can literally see the pain on his face. Anyway, I talked to mom and was trying to give her some type of hope that there should be something that can be done about his appetite and especially about him not drinking fluids at all. She said that today all he was able to get down was a can of Boost energy drink. No food, I don't think any water. I'm not sure if dad just has given up all hope altogether right now or if he is just so ill from the cancer spreading everywhere that he can't remember that he even has cancer. Mom doesn't think that he remembers much anymore. Mom's hope is gone now and she said that she just wishes the Lord would take him sooner rather than later so that he doesn't have to suffer anymore. Either way I am just angry! I don't know how to sit and just watch my dad going through this anymore and there is just nothing that I can do!!! I want to take all he pain away so bad, I want to see him smile again so bad. I want and I want and I want and I want... So how selfish am I? Yes, I am selfish, I don't want to lose my dad. I don't want to see him hurting, and I don't want to be told again that there is nothing more that can be done! That is a load of crap! How can we have all these years to research cancer cells and still not be complete experts, being able to stop it before it begins in anyone! Mom doesn't want to see him go through anymore now, she thinks that he is just too weak to take anymore treatments of any kind. I just don't understand. I am trying to get her to take me to the next doctor appointment with them -- I have the phone number there and will be trying to call there tomorrow -- I have so many questions that I want answers to -- I just can't stand it anymore. And I don't know how to get rid of these overwhelming feelings that I have. I am so mad. I am so sad. I can't sleep, everytime I start eating I feel like I'm going to be sick with the thought that Dad used to love to eat and now he just doesn't! I don't get it, I feel so helpless and useless. I just wish I had any answers right now...anything at all. I can't understand how the doctors can let him continue like this. He is dehydrated, that much is certain. Now he has swelling in his ankles and feet, is that from the dehydration? And how can I get him to eat and drink? My Dad is not someone who just gives up. I want him to fight. I want to be able to fight for him. If anyone out there has any suggestions on getting him to eat or drink, I'm up for any and all suggestions...

Please read my story under newcomers welcome-- The father of the year award-- sometime and you will know just what that really means to have your father there to walk you down the isle. I am almost crying here just thinking of 12/23/04 when my dad did the same for me. I can't even explain to people what that day really meant. Not only to me but to my father as well.....So happy for you all....

Welcome -- from one new comer to another. Sounds to me that your mother is lucky to have you and your brother in her life. Hospice is wonderful and will give not only your mother the care that she needs but also your family the support that you all need as well.My mother is a volunteer there so I know that will do everything in their power to help you out as much as possible. I will be keeping your family in my thoughts and prayers ...

Well, it was such an eventful weekend. I knew that it was going to be a really fast pasted, fun filled weekend trying to not feel guilty that I was not able to visit or stay with mom and dad. Plans on Thursday night, Friday night, and plans on Saturday. We had a couples wedding shower on Saturday. Then, Paul - brother came into town on Saturday home from TX (of which my mother was supposed to call me to stay with dad if needed and of course she did not call!) I am not sure if I was more upset that she didn't call or worried that she wanted to call and didn't. Either way all was well. Plus today I finally caught up on some long over due sleep! That's right, slept 'til half the day was gone and even the dogs looked more rested. Give me a sofa, a TV with a timer, and send my husband golfing and it just has sleepy Sunday written all over it. What a beautiful day! Even my daughter was gone until like 3:30pm this afternoon which is about when I woke up. She didn't even bother to try waking me up but rather just let me keep on sleeping. What an angel she was! I should feel great that my husband took me out on Friday and that I was able to get some "us" time in. And I should have been elated to go to a friends "couples" wedding shower because the weather was great and everyone was happy, healthy, and ate and drank way too much, not to mention that the bride and groom to-be are so in love and happy that it is contagious. But deep down I'm not feeling very social right now and I want to be able to go through this entire grieving process if that is what I am going through. I want to be near the phone or my mom or even my computer so that I can just research anything and everything that I can get my hands on. I want to coddle up with the dogs and stay in with them right now. That is pretty much it. And I don't want to have to feel that I need to explain my feelings to anyone. I hate what people ask how I am. And sometimes I even hate when they ask how my dad is. Everyone knows how he is. Plus, what can I say? Sometimes I just say oh, he is weak but doing well. Then there are the times that I say oh he has good days and bad days. And my all time favorite, the real answer, he is not doing well at all and then just go into the details of what is really going on. Most people that are asking do it out of concern. Some people are asking just to be polite and they really don't want to know because it scares them. They don't know what to say or how to react. I think that I will have Todd play interference from here on out, I'll just let him answer everyone and then I won't have to worry about it. Or at least I won't have to worry about it when he is around. And he can continue to keep his family updated as they want to know what is going on as well. It is 3am now and I just don't feel like sleeping. I don't want to go to bed and toss and turn again wondering if dad is awake or asleep. Mom is such a day person and dad is having such a hard time sleeping at night now I can tell it is wearing her out. Paul is in town until Tuesday and then we will see if she wants to have me come and stay with them for a while. Oh, and Thursday night we went out to watch the playoff game and there was a woman there that kept bumping into my bar stool or elbowing me in the back. Well, we know quite a few people at this restaurant so I finally asked a couple people what was going on with her as she was clearly drinking way too much and could hardly hold a conversation by the time we arrived. Found out that she has been dx with cancer -- not sure what the stage or name of it. Her friend said that she has gone to numerous doctors and there is nothing more that can be done. She had just gotten back from Boston where she had surgery to remove a tumor in her stomach and now it is back again bigger than ever. I don't really know a lot of the details or anything but if anyone out there in 'cyberland' has a minute to say a quick prayer you can add her to the list. I'm hoping that she was just having a drunken moment and that she really hasn't just given up all hope which is how she was talking that night. Anyway, all prayers are always helpful in my book. Silly me, here she is with her friend saying that she is terminal and all I am thinking is how she shouldn't be drinking because I heard that increases the cancer cells. Funny the thoughts that go through a persons mind at times. Well, that is my little venting session today. And I shouldn't be venting at all after the Pistons won today! If only SA won too then it may have been a better day! hahahaaa

Please tell your children, not only for their sake but for yours as well. You would be amazed at how they will want to help. My mom wants so badly not to "burden us kids" and I feel so helpless at times because of that. There are 8 children in my family, I am the baby, and mom still feels that it is not fair to have us come running over to her house. If I could only tell you how much they have done for each one of us over the years. Now is the time -- more than ever -- for us to pay back just a small, minute portion of that giving. My daughter is 16 years old now and she is a lifesaver to me at times. I have always been open with her and now that my father is the one with the NSCLC I have found myself turning to her more and more and yet mom herself is still trying to do everything herself. She is a rock that is for sure but even she needs that shoulder to cry on. Trust me when I say the children will want to know what is happening, they will appreciate that more than anything in thr future. It will come back to you if you are always honest with them. They want to be there for both of you -- trust me. Even if all they can do for you at times is just give you a break so that you are not so overwhelmed, they love you and this is just one way that they can give to you. The older ones are able to do more of course but even your babies can do a load of dishes. At this point in time, every little bit will help you and it will also give them a sense of importance. I hope that my words are helping. I'm new to this business as well and I'm just trying to let you know how I would feel as one of the kids that you are referring to. Good luck and God bless! Mary

I'm new here as well. Father was dx with NSCLC Stage IV and I too was searching for statistics and answers. I am finding comfort here and I hope that you do as well. I guess I just decided that it was best to go straight to the ones dealing with similar issues than to continue researching statistics that are very black and white -- never really giving the entire story. I wish that I could give you the answers that you are looking for but I guess that I just wanted to say that I am here if you need to rant at anytime! I only have one mouth to speak with but God gave me 2 ears for listening! Mary

I totally agree that this needs to be a combined decision. I just got off the phone with mom and was telling her about some of the other stories and medications that I have found on this WebSite. Mom is really feeling that she is -- if you can believe this -- burdening us! For example, she needs to go to the airport tomorrow night to pick my brother up who is coming in from Texas. My nephew is driving her, she doesn't do well driving at night especially. Mainly she only drives near her home now. I asked her is she wanted me to stay with dad and she is worried that us kids can't be bothered everytime something comes up to go "running over there!" I was stunned that she felt that way. Basically I just said that as much as they have always done for us, this is small in comparision. She jokingly mentioned me moving in there with them. I might just see if I prod her more if she will really let me move in for a while. Deep down I know it would be difficult but I also think that it would be better if she had a shoulder to lean on during this time as well. Plus then I think I would be better capable of dealing with my issues as well while I am there rather than not seeing them everyday. I know that for them they have really been struggling at night. Dad woke up at 3am the other night because he thrashes his arms and legs, he hit himself full force in the groin area. If someone else were there with them then one person could take the night shift while another took the day shift or something of that nature. As you can see - I'm perfect for the night time as I can never sleep anyway. They increased his morphine so that he is taking 120 mg. in the morning -- vicadin through out the day -- and another 120 mg. of morphine at night. (raised from 90 mgs in the morning and night time.) Since then mom said that she can't even leave him alone and that he is seeing things that aren't really there. She is thinking about either splitting up the medication or trying to cut him back again. He is just in so much pain that she doesn't know what else to do. Next doctor appointment is May 24th and she is going to be speaking with the doctor more that day. I am curious if taking some of these medicines orally if there is a way that the cancer clinics allow the patients to not have to drive there everyday? As I said, that is one of the issues mom is concerned with as well. I told her that I could drive them but again I got the "don't want to be a bother" answer from her. I just wish she would realize that she doesn't need to go through all this alone. I guess the attitudes right now are all pretty pessamistic (think I spelled that wrong) because with the past at least we could see there was something being done as he was still on chemo. Now that all chemotherapy has been abandoned it is more like a waiting game for the inevitable. I'm more of a proactive person though and I can't see this as an answer, there has to be something that can still be tried is my opinion. Anything is better than just giving up altogether. I should be able to give my mom a lot more information within the next few days regarding what I am learning on line. Perhaps that will help her as well as being just theriputic for myself. I don't want her to be too afraid to speak up either as this is so new to all of us. I think that she was allowing my dad to make all the decisions up until now and with the pain meds, can't really do that anymore. Thanks again Charlie. I really appreciate having others who are dealing with this awful disease to be able to turn to. I can tell that most of us right now aren't sure where to turn and I think that the more informed we are the better choices we can all make. I'm write again soon...Until my next NightOwl moment....take care and I'm praying for all of my new LCSC friends!

I was so touched by reading your story. I'm new here but I just really wanted so say thanks so much for sharing that with me. Mary

Thank you all for your responses. I wish I felt up to responding to each of you individually but as it is very late, and for me that is the best time to be alone with my thougths, there is just not the time to do that. I really enjoy the time in the middle of the night right now when both Todd and my daughter are in bed. I have taken some time off work -- mainly to spend as much time with both mom and dad as possible and to get myself stronger emotionally too. I'm not sure that this is the best thing for me right now but I am feeling kind of selfish I guess, I don't know. I know that I have tried to work through some of this and that wasn't working so I'm trying things my way for a while. Depression is a terrible thing to have in life but I want to feel and experience the grief that I am going through right now so I am. As one person put it to me there is no right way or wrong way to go through any of this, it is just not a fair thing but it is a part of my life now. I so appreciate honest people right now. You can really see the honesty when it comes to hardships in a persons life. My dad really is a great man. I wish that I could tell you all the wonderful things about him as I know that I really didn't even touch how giving he really is. I can remember him taking my grandma to the grocery store every Friday night through out my childhood and then cutting her lawn during the week -- this was after taking care of us 8 kids and our own house and lawn. After Grandma past on he took care of some of the older neighbors lawns in the neighborhood who were not able to do it for themselves. Throughout my entire life I can not remember a night that I would walk into our living room and not see him rubbing my moms feet. He loves her so much even after all these years. I told Todd that it is probably better that he is going through this rather than my mom because watching her go through anything even similar would just kill him, or at least his spirit. She was diagnosed with Epilpsy a few years ago we didn't know exactly what was going on with her health and he was just in tears thinking that he might be losing her. I think that I have inherited his emotional side. But in saying that I also realize that we all have stories that are like that in which we would all like to share almost immediately about our loved ones and they are all awesome people in their own right. I just pray that I might some day measure up a little bit to where him and my mother both are today. As I said, I took some time from work, (2 weeks right now) thank the Lord that I am working for a company that is understanding of my situation. The worst part is not knowing what to say to my parents when I visit. Mothers day was probably the worst. Actually I ended up chickening out from even going there that day. Todd's parents every year have brunch together with his Grandma (who is 90 years old and so young at heart that she makes you feel old!), His sister, brother-in-law, and their 2 children, us and our kids. Brunch was fine but all morning I felt that awful feeling coming on, starts with the headache and just kind of grows from there. After brunch my daughter had a terrible head ache so I called mom and told her we would be over later as Jennifer was laying down taking a nap. Then after 2 hours of thinking about how I needed to get my strength up and drive over there I called my mom back and asked if she minded if we came over the following day instead. She said that was fine. My brothers were all there so I didn't feel quite so bad but of course I still felt terrible. Plus I'm sure that if my brother Jim could get a hold of me to ring my neck he would! He just loves me and I think he likes to deal with me using "tough love" to get me on the right track. He is just exactly like my dad! A younger version but my dad through and through if that is believable!!! (Him and I are the closest out of all my siblings, he is the second oldest brother and the one who is most encouraging to me about how to live my life the best way that I should. He is a great man too and I adore him to death--maybe that is why I was concerned that I was upsetting him on Mothers Day??? Who knows???) He is also the brother in the picture here with my dad. Monday and Tuesday I went over to Moms and we had a wonderful visit. Monday dad was so tired that I didn't get to see him at all as he stayed in bed the whole time and I just figured that was probably best for him at that time. He is sleeping a lot lately and his appetite is pretty much gone all together. Still, mom and me got to talk and I was able to kind of get her to myself so to speak. Sometimes with so many kids that can be a challenge unto itself. I started to get extremely emotional and teary eyed though and I could tell that was making my mom uncomfortable. I tried to hold it in but I am just not that way. My mom says that I get there from dad. She likes to be the strong one who holds everything in. I'm really worried about that. Even now she only crys when she is alone, I can tell when I'm on the phone with her though when it is a hard day. Makes me want to be there for her more and more. Eventually she will have to let some of this out and I want someone to be there. Between all us kids, she shouldn't have to go through this like that. Then on Tuesday Jennifer (my daughter) and I went back over. Mom seemed really happy to see Jennifer. This was a much better, much more relaxed visit. Dad was sleeping but he was on the sofa and kind of kept coming and going from the converstation. He is just so thin now that it breaks my heart. He was telling me that he was sleeping Monday night and he now trashes in the night with his arms and legs, well he ended up hitting himself in the stomach/groin area and was basically awake from 3am on from the pain that caused. As if he needed more. Plus the medicine makes him so out of it now that it seems strange to me, sometimes you don't quite know if he is really "there" or if he is just kind of there. I noticed too that my mom never took her eyes off of him for more than a few moments at a time. Even Jennifer noticed that. I'm afraid that I am losing him now more than ever. I'm not ready for that -- that is for sure. I want to tell him just how wonderful he is to me but each time I try to get this conversation going he gets teary eyed and changes the conversation. There are so many things that I want to say to him. So much that I feel I have to tell him before it is too late. Sometimes I think that I should just write it all down so that he can see it when he is ready. That is where I am at right now. Any ideas? As far as Perifosine goes, I have seen most of what you have googled me Charlie, and I really appreciate it. The problem is that I am not sure what my Mom wants me to say. I will show her what you have posted though and perhaps that will be the best way right now. I know that I can't make this decision and that it must be between my mom and dad. My choice would only be a selfish one. Maybe all of us think selfishly when making this decision I don't know. I will mention some of these other meds that I was seeing everyone discussing though, especially the Tarceva. I know that one of the concerns from my mom is the idea of taking anything through an I.V. again and having to drive to the cancer center for the medication. Not to mention the nausea and the vomiting. A major concern is that dad is already lost so much weight. Maybe this might be something they can discuss together with their doctor and come to an agreement. Again, thank you all of you for being there for me and my parents. I think that I will print out all of your responses and let them in on this web site as well since they want nothing to do with computers. Mom would just rather sit down and write a letter out by hand still, can't teach an old dog new tricks and all. Haha, I just called mom old and she doesn't even know. Ya, she'll get back with me on that one later. lol. I'll write again soon, promise.... PS -- Katie and Sue, thanks so much for the cyber hugs, we Daddy's girls can never get enough of them that is for sure!!! Patkid, I'm not so much Mortified as I am scared. Hopeful is something that I am working on right now. Don -- I'm glad you enjoyed this story, I'm hoping for way more to come! Nancy -- you're right about this site being a great stress relief, and yes, dad is a saint -- in my eyes anyways. Ry -- I'm gonna definately discuss Tarceva with my family. And I'm curious what part of Michigan you are from? Frank -- I will definately use the Ask The Experts in this sites, thanks so much! Maryanne -- I do have 2 great wonderful caring men in my life, not to mention all my brothers. God has looked out for me throughout this last 35 years of my life. Now I need to remember that most of all. Thanks for the reminder. Ginnyde, Thanks for the fast response, I see that you too are a night owl! And last but not least, Charlie, I will give my mom the information that you googled me. Thanks so much. I hope that I didn't miss anyone. I wanted to say something to each of you -- didn't take as long as I thought it would. Thanks again.

Hello TammyGe, My father is battling stage iv NSCLC as well. At this point the chemo that he was taking did not help and right now he is deciding on another experimental type of drug. Chemo is an awful thing and it will make you go crazy if you are trying to figure out where it is coming from, the cancer or the drugs. Mentally, I can understand exactly what you are referring to. I tried like crazy to be strong, be a great mom, be a full time employee, still be a good friend, blah blah blah. Finally I just decided that it was time that I take a break for myself and deal with what is really important to me. I took the past 2 weeks off work to focus on my parents. I stayed up really late one night just talking with my 16 year old daughter and letting her see me cry, and I am not at all ashamed to say I got good and drunk one night and just cried my eyes out! We all have times that our strength does not seem to be enough but what really amazes me more than anything is that it will be there when we need it. I wish that you could meet my mother. There is a woman that has more strength in her little finger than I will ever have in my whole body. Her rule my entire life is just do it, don't think about it! That is how she lives her life. Now she takes care of my father and is like a rock. Remember, there is no right way and there is no wrong way. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. As all this is new to me as well, I'm not really sure what more I can say to you at this time but as I have read a thousand times over, this is a great site, when times get really bad and you really feel zombie like, maybe that is the best time to just post a note. Getting it all out has always been the best way for me to deal with stress and "mental breakdowns". Good luck!

I don't really know why I am posting anything on this message board. Maybe I feel safer because no one out there can see me crying and maybe I feel safer knowing that most of you have gone through this either personally or with someone you love! Either way, this is the story of my father who has cancer and of a family that loves him more than anything! As a baby my mother and father wanted a girl. Lucky me I was born a girl. They had 6 boys and one girl of their own and they still wanted another girl so low and behold, along came me. Straight from Catholic Social Services adoption agency. I was 2 months old when they brought me home from the hospital and dad always said that I was the "good luck baby" because they got me, he got a good paying job, and they had just bought their first home in Grand Rapids Michigan which they ended up living in until approximately 2000. Maybe dad called me the good luck baby but I always knew that I was the lucky one. As I grew up I ended up marrying a man that was basically a bum and my parents -- although they like him as a person -- hated the fact that he didn't take care of me or my daughter. We ended up divorcing and I can remember my father walking out of the court house with me saying "Free at last! Free at last! Thank God almighty!" He was there for me that day and he has been there for me every day of my life. After years of rebuilding my credit back up since my divorce I was finally working at a good job and able to purchase my first home. So in Oct. of 1998 my daughter and I moved in to our first house. And that was when my dad and I really started to spend time together. We worked together fixing the kitchen, the living room, the bedrooms, and then the big fix -- dad completely gutted out the bathroom and remodeled the entired thing. From nothing but the studs on the walls to new tiles in the shower and in on the floor. It was the first time that he was ever able to work on a bathroom from start to finish. He loved it as he is a work-ahlolick! Out of all the kids in our family I was always the adventurous one who was in and out of trouble. Dad was always there still loving me even when him and my mom were both at their wits ends. Now as a parent myself I can't imagine the pain I caused them as a teenager but we are past all that now. Now my daughter is just like my mom and she is grandpa's girl too! The bathroom was finished and my company closed down. Now my dad was worried that we would end up losing the house since I had no income coming in. After temp jobs and hard struggles I ended up getting a great job again making comparable money to what I was at before. I started there in May of 2004. It was still a very hard time for me though because I was seeing a man named Todd for 4 years and we had taken time apart. After my first divorce I was scared to death of loving and losing again. Mom and Dad were there through all the tears again. Are you seeing a trend here? In 2003 my mother began volunteering for Hospice care. She was 67 years old and had never worked outside of the home but she has always had so much to offer others that it just was perfect for her. She has this way of just being there that makes people feel better. I'm not sure how many families she has worked with by now but I know that they look at her as if she were a part of their families as well. Just being there for the living and the dying is more than I can ever imagine giving of myself. My mother is incredible. Looking back now I wonder if this was a training that God was giving her for what she would have coming at her in the future. Then in August 2004 we recieved the horrible news. Dad was diagnosed with cancer! We were mortified. How could a man who had never smoked, took care of himself, ate right, worked hard his whole life, and was always giving to those around him have to go through this??? I just didn't -- and still don't -- understand this. Not only was this cancer but we found out soon enough that he was stage IV with non-small cell lung cancer and lymphoma, non-hodgkin I believe. The cancer was basically spread from his shoulders, neck, stomach, lungs, and back. We started out with my father going through chemo therapy. The first few weeks were awful. He was sick all the time with vomiting and just basically dealing with the pain he had in his stomach. I was still in shock as we began this process and at first I tried to just be there for him and my mom -- trying to be as strong for them as I could. I didn't want anyone to see me crying so that I could show them my stregnth to lean on me I guess. One night I was sitting outside on my front steps, I basically just gave in to the tears. As I sat there praying and just asking God why, Todd was driving past my house, seen me and pulled into the driveway. We began talking and working things out. I told him about my father and he was there for me to lean on. Maybe God was answering me the only way that he could that night, I don't know. Well, we got the results back from the first cat-scan and it looked good so the doctors continued on with the chemo therapy. Four more weeks of being sick and having to go through this again. After that four weeks dad went in for his next cat-scan and the news was not good. The cancer was spreading to his liver and the original spots were getting bigger. At this point we took him off chemo therapy and changed to an experimental drug called Almita. That was just before Christmas if I remember correctly. After the first set of bad news I guess I was not feeling very optimistic. Todd and I had began going to re-marriage classes and we now were sure that this was what we both wanted. We had our last class and then had a meeting with the pastor at our church who basically asked us what we were waiting for. At this time we decided that we would move everything up because I wanted more than anything for my father to not only be there at the wedding but to give me away as well. We basically put together this wedding in 2 week time frame! Everything was perfect! My dad was feeling great that day. The hair dresser did such a great job on my hair that my dad mentioned it again at Easter Sunday in front of the entire family. The flowers were great. Both my daughter, Jennifer and Todd's daughter, Ashley looked like little models. As we began walking down the isle my dad started to cry as his emotions are just crazy right now. Then after that we had the reception right there at the restaurant that is attached to the chapel. We were served a 5 course meal and my dad ate wonderful that day! Todds family and mine were both elated that we finally were doing the right thing. And my dad leaned over to me and said, "You got yourself a real good man there!" Todd and I were married on December 23, 2004. From that moment forward I felt great about my decision to marry Todd and I will always know that my dad was proud of my husband! That means more to me than anyone will ever know. Being that was right before Christmas and my dad was not having chemo therapy that week, our parents got together again to celebrate Christmas dinner at Todd's family's. Again Dad was able to eat pretty good that day. Shortly after the holidays we recieved bad news again. The Almita did not work even after the first 4 week sessions. Now we are just trying to keep my dad comfortable. The doctors have discussed trying KRX-0401 (Perifosine) but Mom does not want to put dad through any more pain or suffering than what he needs to go through. I have tried to research it for her but I am not finding anything out there on this newer drug as it is still in the clinical trials. So now we are just waiting and trying to be together as much as possible. My father is 71 years old now. He has lost so much weight that he is now down to 124 lbs. He is taking morphine and other pain killers so much that he is pretty much out of it most day. Since Todd and my wedding just a few short months ago the cancer has pretty much taken over my dads ability to eat, sleep, walk, and just live a normal life. Just since the wedding he has lost more than 20 lbs. and his eyes have a very sunken in look to him. I see that we are near the end now and I'm scared. Scared because I can't do anything to end my dad's pain. Scared that I can't stop my mother from watching him go through this. I love my parents very much and I wish I could make all their pain go away. If anyone out there reads this and has anything to offer please feel free to contact me. I would love to know more about Perifosine before it is too late. I will not advise my dad to take this drug one way or the other as this has to be his choice, but I would love to be able to give him as much information as possible to make an informed decision. That is the least that I could do for him with everything they have done for me! That is the story of how I became the daughter of such great parents. I hope you enjoyed our story! _________________