Candy

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY to the Grants!!!!! I hope you are planning on having a big bash for the 50th AND inviting all of us from LCSC because I fully intend to make the trip! Have a great day you guys!

Wow, what everyone has said in this post is like plucking from my own mind!

It IS good to be able to listen to other people who are going through the same things. I learn so many things from all of you and take great comfort in this place. Shirley - I do much the same thing, when I am feeling ready to give up I think about Hugh and what I can do that would make him proud of me. He was a strong man and he lost many people he loved and always dealt with it so well. As for moving on, some days I feel like I might be and then I remember that the jeans Hugh took off the night before he went to the hospital are still sitting on the floor of his closet where he put them. I haven't touched them, I know his pocket watch and change are still in them. The hats he always wore are still in the kitchen in exactly the same spot that he left them. I look at them almost everyday and I am not sure if I will ever move them. I mentioned to my son last week that I guessed I should clean out Dad's closet and he quickly (too quickly) said he didn't think so. Part of me wants to leave that stuff there forever but the reality of it is that I can't. I remember after my own father died my mother cleaned out his clothes rather quickly but the clothes he took off the night he died hung on the bedroom door for several months. One day she got up and opened the back door to the porch where the trash was and took a couple of really big breaths and grabbed those clothes off the hook and literally RAN out the back door, dumped them in the trash, came back inside and never said a word to anyone. Sometimes I picture myself doing that with Hugh's jeans. The other thing I haven't done yet is change the pillow cases on his pillows. It was REALLY hard to change the sheets when I got home from the hospital and I am ashamed to say I actually didn't change them for almost 3 weeks. Then I thought about what Hugh would say to me about that. It wouldn't have been polite I'm sure, so I ripped them off one Saturday morning and washed them before I could change my mind. Another thing that has helped me I think is that because we were remodeling the house my son continued that. The kitchen is totally different now so I don't look at the table and "see" Hugh sitting in his usual spot. Its the same table but its in a totally different spot. The livingroom is all different so I don't walk in as "see" Hugh sitting in his chair where he sat for almost 30 years at night. Jeremy did redo the den (which was a storage room for years) into "Dad's Room" where he put all of Hugh's favorite things. Its definately a man's room with built in gun case all of his deer mounts, bear rug, etc. I tend to find that room a little disconcerting but at the same time comforting. It was a labor of love for Jeremy and he is extremely proud of it. Hugh's ashes rest there until the time comes for mine to be mixed with his and I told Jeremy that if his Dad had to pick a place to wait for me this room would definitely be the place. Of course not everyone shares kind thoughts about that room with me. My brother and his wife call it the mausoleum and my sister and her husband were visiting a while ago and really hurt Jeremy's feelings by refusing to go in there because Hugh's ashes were in there and they think its "disgusting" that I have them in the house. Its actually a beautiful room with a lot of sunlight and bright colors. So, after rambling on and on - thanks to everyone for listening!

The ups and downs we experience as we try to muddle our way through life without the person with love is normal. At least that is what people keep telling me. I can be feeling pretty good one minute and the very next minute I am crying because Hugh is really gone. A woman I work with lost her husband to LC just a couple of months after I lost Hugh and she stopped in my office after Christmas and in our conversation she told me she just didn't know where she belonged. I feel the same way. Who in the world am I now? Hugh was part of who I am. I'm sorry to hear your having a bad time this week. I find that if I turn on TV to a funny, lighthearted show when I am awake and can't sleep it helps. If I lay there trying to sleep I only go over and over Hugh's last few days and then I get even worse.

I have been hoping for a reason to post something (anything!) in this good news section. While its off the subject of why we are all here.... Jeremy has arrived safely in San Antonio to begin his basic training in the airforce. I know Hugh is there with him and will keep him safe. His wife and I will DRIVE to Texas to see him graduate on February 20th. We are taking 2 weeks and doing the trip/vacation that Hugh and I had been so excited about taking. I am finally looking forward to something! After basic training he will stay at Lackland for 4 months of tech school in security forces. I miss him terribly as he and his wife were living with me, but I find I am much calmer now that all of the "what happens when" are gone and I can concentrate on trying to heal. AND, Jeremy's wife is expecting a baby in September. Life really does go on, this baby will never meet his Grandfather, but we will make sure he always feels like he knew him! Hugh would be so proud and while I am sad beyond words that Hugh won't be here to share this with me, I find great comfort in knowing that his legacy continues.

I am so very sorry to hear this. Like SandyS, Sam was among the first to reply to my post when I found this site. He will be missed.

Debbie, I am so sorry for the loss of your Mom. I also have been angry at God, in addition to a million other emotions. I have this theory though - I think God takes us when we finally get it right on earth. When I think about what a wonderfully kind and unselfish man Hugh was, how much he had grown throughout the 28 years we were together, how he ALWAYS without fail thought of other people before he thought of himself, and that he did that without even a little bit of resentment, I can't help but think that when we finally, REALLY get it 100 percent right we can move on to the next level and I think it must be a really better place. I also tend to believe that if Heaven and Hell really exist this might very well be hell. That said, I know someday you will remember your Mom with fond smiles and less tears. You will certainly remember her always as our mothers teach us so much in life. Sometimes I find myself doing some small thing and I think of how I am doing it just the way my Mom taught me to. After 9 years I tend to smile more when I think of her, but I still miss her.

Shannon, Its was so nice to pop in here and see your post. Good for you! From the first time I came to this board you and Mike were an inspiration to me and you still are! As I muddle through the emotions I am feeling and struggle to feel at least not unhappy anymore I read your post and I know its possible. Candy

Wow Shirley - you ARE an inspiration. I read your post and actually thought about all I had learned from Hugh over the years. Maybe I can actually do it too!

I am so sad, scared and lonely. Jeremy leaves Monday night for bootcamp. He joined on the deferred entry program nearly a year ago. I believe it all started with him as a kind of denial when he learned his Dad had cancer. They were always very close. Though we weren't thrilled with his career choice that would take him far away from us, we were nevertheless proud of him. His original date was October 1 and of course that never happend due to Hugh's death. It then moved to February 17th and I have been dreading it. He and his wife have been staying with me since Hugh died. I appreciate the company and he has been finishing the remodeling of our very old house that Hugh didn't get to finish, taking care of the day-to-day disasters (8 inches of water in the basement, etc) and most importantly just being there. Christmas Eve his recruiter called and said the job he wanted in Security Forces was available if he left December 29th (which was Hugh's 60th birthday). He took it and I cried my way through the entire holiday. It turned out that he didn't leave the 29th as planned but he is leaving Monday the 5th. I just don't know how I can get through this. He has been the one thing in this horrible year that has given me sanity. For the first time since all of this started I actually feel like I might need medication to function. Now I will be truly alone. The sane part of me knows this is how it has to be. He is married and he can't and shouldn't live his life in my house taking care of me. As a parent I have to let him have his wings and live his life as his own person. What is that saying - the two most important things parents should give their children are roots and wings? I want him to have the freedom (without the guilt that I suffered when my Dad died because my mother was so needy and demanding the entire 35 years she spent without him.) to be his own person and live his own life, but I hate it! I hate it even though I know it is the natural order of things, and even though I know that he will be there for me if I need him no matter how far way he moves. I want to be, if not happy or content at least less unhappy sometime soon. I don't want to become my mother who became and remained unhappy and so very bitter after my father died. The one thing I could never do for my Mom was make her happy no matter how hard I tried. The more time that passed after my Dad died (when she was 42), the angrier she became. When she passed away at 71 she didn't even have many kind words to say about my Dad because she was angry even at him for leaving her. I DO NOT want to become her!!!!! Ugh! I dread Monday night when Jeremy leaves and I dread Tuesday morning when I have to attend his swearing in ceremony.

Oh Pam, Your post just brings tears to my eyes. I am so sorry, for you, for me and for everyone who had to face this Christmas without a special loved one with them. I also get stressed dealing people in general. I was annoyed at my siblings over the holidays who seemed to be full of their talk about an upcoming cruise, whether or not they spent too much time with their spouses (while I was wishing I could spent even one more second with mine), how it was so nice that my sister's husband was retired and available to brush snow off of her car and drive her to work so she never had to get in a cold car anymore..... I found myself getting quieter and quieter with nothing to add to the conversation and wishing I could escape. Later at home I was telling my son about the whole thing and told him I wasn't sure exactly what I expected of people around me. What ARE they supposed to say or not say? I mean, can I honestly expect people to stop talking about being married or their lives because I don't have a husband or much of a life anymore? I'm just not sure what I really do expect. Of course that doesn't excuse the absolutely insensitive remarks that it seems we all get. I can't tell you how many people have reminded me that I am still young and can have another relationship - that just really makes me angry and the fact that they say it so soon after he died makes me consider it an insult to Hugh and I and what we had. It seems someone says "get over it" or something similar at least 3 times each week. I realized a while ago if I said I was okay and kept walking that people left me alone and it at least meant I didn't have to listen to insensitive advice. I also find that when I say okay and they say "good" as they fly by that I am annoyed because I am not okay or fine and somewhere inside me I just think they should know this.

Hugh was 59 and I was 47. I have since had a birthday. Much too young for sure and so many on this sight are even younger with young children. When I concentrate on counting my blessings the fact that our kids had him while they were growing up is among them. Our youngest just turned 22 and was married last year right before Hugh was diagnosed. I do have friends who have been very supportive and I don't know what I would have done without their help. What would we do without good friends? Thank you for asking! I hope that your Christmas can at least be pleasant whether its at home or someplace on the beach relaxing in the warm weather.

Well said by everyone. The other day I was standing in front of Hugh's closet wondering if I would ever remove his clothes and my son walked in. I was teary and told him it just wasn't fair. Without hesitation he told me not to play "that game" with myself because it would make me angry and anger wasn't going to get me anywhere. He was right, you are all right. This is what we make of it. When Hugh was alive I was determined to be happy because I, like Ginny did not want to waste any precious time being grumpy, angry or sad. We didn't have enough time together, but we had 10 months of extraodinary time together. Time with an appreciation for each other and the world around us that that I truly believe people don't and can't have unless they are facing an illness that is or could be terminal. That is what a friend of mine, who was afflicted with cancer called "the gift of cancer" and our doctors and treatment gave us was time to enjoy that new-found appreciation for ten months. I try to remember everyday to be grateful for that. It doesn't always work but at least I am trying. I will try to be grateful this Christmas for the 28 Christmases that Hugh and I had together and to be grateful for the wonderful children we created and our grandchildren. I hope everyone has a peaceful holiday.

I passed two older women chatting in the supermarket last week and they were having much the same conversation. As I walked by I heard one woman say that the holidays stunk because she missed her husband, her mother, her sister. The list was lengthy. Its definately a bad time of year for those of us going through our "firsts" but also our "second" or in the case of my Dad my 35th. That and the problem I have had even doing any Christmas shopping this year makes me wonder why I never thought about how many people were suffering before when Christmas was such a happy occasion for me. When your family is intact and all is well its such a happy and joyous time of year. I remember how cozy I used to feel when all of my shopping was done and Hugh and I would start the fire on Christmas Eve and just enjoy the decorations and the atmosphere. With Hugh gone, my kids all grown up and married and no parents, Christmas this year has become a nightmare to me. It is taking all of my energy simply to hold myself together. I have bolted from stores several times, cried more tears than I could ever count and wished hundreds of times that I could close my eyes and wake up January 2 after the holidays and Hugh's upcoming 60th birthday. On the bright side, I did manage to do what little Christmas shopping I intend to do this year. My son "escorted" me to the mall Sunday so that he could be moral support and also to lasso me if I tried to escape. I concentrated on having tunnel vision and flew through the mall in a record 2 hours. Knowing I don't have to go near the stores again is some comfort. I sure don't know how we get through it, but we will.

I don't know if it qualifies as a Christian book, but "Chicken Soup for the Cancer Patient's Soul" has some wonderfully uplifting stories in it. It was on every table at our onocologist's office. It also has some pretty sad stories, but all have meaning. Another book that I got from our doctor's office was "The Cancer Survivor's Cookbook". It had wonderful recipes in it, all kinds of tips for adding calories, making things that might taste good to someone getting chemo etc.

Saying extra prayers for a good scan. I will watch for the result in the Good News forum!!!!!!!!

Anne, I am saddened to hear that you lost your Mom. The second and very hard part of your journey starts now. You will miss her forever, but you will go on and eventually you will notice that you smile more than you cry when you remember her. I told my son when Hugh died that he was his father's legacy and everytime he looked in the mirror he would see him. It is the same for you, when things seem unbearable just remember that your Mom would want you to be strong and how proud she would be of you.

Don, What a great story. I have to say that you are a wonderful man and the woman who has been such a help to you and Lucie must also feel as you do - that you and Lucie were sent to her for a reason.

Carleen, What a wonderful, uplifting post! I have had computer trouble lately and when I got back on the other day after being off for quite a while I was wondering where you were. Sounds like great news for you and Keith! Have a wonderful Christmas.

My husband and I both had the flu one weekend and Monday morning we were both feeling much better but he woke up with a cough. Since it was a very bad cough I assumed his "flu" had gone into pneumonia and I called the doctor. He went that Wednesday and was diagnosed with pneumonia. After the first round of antibiotics with no improvement he went back, had a second chest xray and was given more antibiotics by the nurse practitioner. That night though the doctor called and said he wanted Hugh to have a CAT scan. We caught his pretty soon after he had the first symptom but even then it was pretty wide spread (in his liver and bones).

Lori, I am so sorry to hear that Lenny lost his battle. Much the same happened with Hugh - he contracted pneumonia and other things developed and he just couldn't fight them off. The doctor said it was like pulling the can from the bottom of a pryamid. It will be very hard for you and your children but you can do it! Every time I feel like giving up I think about Hugh and remind myself I have to keep going because he would have wanted me to. My heart goes out to you and the boys.

I am so sorry. This is really hard.

Cheryl, I am so very sorry , I know this is very difficult, I have no real words of wisdom. Just remember to breath, stand, walk.... it doesn't always seem to come naturally when you are dealing with this.

That is GREAT news Ginny!

Ginny, You are a survivor and your attitude is wonderful. I felt much the same way as you. I think it was KatieB that once responded to one of my posts saying not to mourn something that hadn't happened. TOMORROW COULD BE THE DAY THEY FIND A CURE!!!! If you give up your plans for the future and your hope than you have nothing. Hugh and I never did that and though our outcome wasn't what we wished for, that attitude, our planning for the future made his year with cancer one that we were able to enjoy. What a waste of Hugh's last year it would have been if either of us had moped and pouted. I feel much the same as I try to deal without him - what possible good will it do anyone to withdraw and pout. It won't bring him back, it won't cure cancer. So we take life's lemons and try really hard to make lemonade. As for chatting, I never chatted before because every spare minute I had was for Hugh. I don't chat now because my computer is in my spare room and my son and his wife are staying with me for a bit so I won't be alone (THANK GOD) and I can't get in their because they are usually in bed by nine. When Jeremy leaves for basic training in February (I dread that) I will probably be chatting. Keep that great attitude Ginny - Earl can beat this thing.