Candy

Peg, I hope your new doctor is wonderful! I am sending prayers with everyone else's. Hugh experienced arm pain when he took decadron.

Wow Carleen - I envy your courage. Good luck with your new job. Way to go! No one needs the extra stress if you can eliminate it.

I guess I should have tried this before. If I had only realized just how easy it is to add a picture. This one is Hugh driving the pontoon boat up the Connecticut River 2 summers ago. Before Cancer when we were enjoying our "new" life, the one where all of our children were grown up and we were planning on learning to live in our empty nest and enjoy it. My brother and his wife were with us that day and we were heading up the river to picnic, swim and fish. He was SO happy. How quickly things change. I miss him more and more each day. He was a wonderful man. I am finding it overwhelmingly difficult to adjust to my life without him. Who am I with part of me missing, where do I belong? I am 48 years old and it seems like it will probably be a LONG time before I will see him again. I recently attended my son's boot camp graduation in San Antonio (Don Wood - If you read this - I took a side trip to Houston because my nephew lives there and I thought about you, we stayed 2 days and toured NASA because my nephew works there). I had a few melt downs thinking about how Hugh and I had planned the trip together and how excited he was about it. Also, I knew how proud he would have been of our son. He told me in the hospital that he wouldn't make Jeremy's graduation and to tell him that day that he was there watching him and that he was proud. Think I got through that without tears? I was near hysteria trying to get it out. But Jeremy was happy to hear it. I would sell my soul to have one more minute with him. Just to put my arms around him for a hug. I love to think about Norme's Rainbow Bridge. I hope Hugh can be there also. Maybe he and Buddy could strike up a friendship. We had a beloved dog, Putter, who died 15 years ago and our Basset Hound who was Hugh's princess is nearly 14. I want to think that he will wait there with Putter and that Maybelle will be able to find him there when her time comes. Norme - that Rainbow Bridge which I had never before gives me a very big comfort level. I can close my eyes and work up a vision of what it would be like. I just needed to ramble a little bit today. Thanks for listening, this board is part of what has gotten me through this.

Hi Peg, Its good news that Bill is home. I am saying prayers along with everyone else that there is a miracle out there for you.

Its amazing, but we didn't have any problems either. The one thing that our insurance company did was deny a PET scan until after the biopsy was done. Hugh's doctor ordered a PET scan on a Monday and the biopsy the following Wednesday. The insurance said it had to be the other way around which I found resonable.

Pam, I can only repeat what everyone else has said. I agree with Connie, your Mom probably isn't depressed she is probably just going through the stages of grieving. Losing your spouse is extremely difficult. Most of the time I feel alone even if I am surrounded by people. I have trouble making anyone understand that feeling. My boys have been a very big help and having my grandchildren around is a wonderful lift, but even when they are there I STILL feel alone. I want to be enjoying our children WITH Hugh not by myself. Time helps, I feel less despair now than I did in October. I don't think it will ever go away totally. I KNOW it won't ever go away totally. Its that connection to someone who lives with you and loves you. My children love me and I them, but they have their own lives and schedules. They don't plan them with me, they often try to include me but still, its THEIRS not Hugh's and mine. I should say at this point that I don't want them to live their lives accomodating me either and I am sure your Mom doesn't want that either. Our children have to be able to have their own lives and we have to walk through this grief to come out healed on the other side, we have to, by trial and error, find out where we belong now that our spouse is no longer with us. That is one of my biggest problems. I don't know who I am or where I belong without Hugh with me. I have always been 1/2 of a pair. Now I feel not only overwhelmingly sad and alone but I feel lost. All I really need from my children is for them to call me often, visit me often and hug me even more often. I sure hope the rest will fall into place and more time goes by. Like Norme, I have many pictures of Hugh in every room of my house. I want to look at him and remember exactly what he looked like when he was healthy. Your Mom will get through this and you will be their to hold her while she does. She is fortunate to have children who care so much about her.

Dear Norme, I am so very sorry. There isn't anywords to make it hurt less. I love the Rainbow Bridge, I sure hope Hugh is there waiting for me. Please continue to post. You have a wealth of information that will help other people through this journey and also, I find it helps me to get through the days. Candy

Hugh had brain mets after his initial chemo. He thought he had a sinus infection at first. Over the next few days his face started to get numb. By the time he went for an MRI 1/2 of his entire head, even the inside of his mouth was numb. The decadron caused symptoms that were harder to deal with - personality change and a lot of anger. Totally unlike Hugh.

Shirley, This group is one of the things that has gotten me through the last year and a half. So many kind people who are going through much the same thing. Sam was among the first who responded to me when I first starting posting here. He will be missed by so many. Like the T-shirt, I have never changed the pillow cases on Hugh's pillows. When I get into bed at night I swear I can still smell his scent on them. I don't know how we get through this but my common sense tells me we will. I can't imagine that I will ever stop missing Hugh. I will say that I don't cry every single day on the way home from work, though I do usually shed some tears at least once every day. When I left the hospital alone on September 28th I ached. I can't thing of another word for it. I was numb, but I ached. I felt as if I would shatter like a piece of glass and someone would have to sweep me up in a dustpan. Worse, I WISHED I would shatter and get swept away because I didn't want to live. I prayed many times that God would let me die so I could be with Hugh. It didn't matter to me that I had children or grandchildren, I just wanted to be with Hugh. The ache, though still there isn't quite as acute as it was, I don't pray to die much anymore but I also don't find a great deal of joy in life either. I actually have brief moments when I have a thought that I can do this. I don't have any advice because how we deal with this is an individual thing. But I am here to listen, compare stories or whatever I can do.

Ann, I am so very sorry.

I lost my Dad in 1969 and I still think of him every single day. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think that I wish he could be here. The same thing for my mother who passed away 8 years ago. They both died too young (my Dad at 51 and my Mom at 71). One of the hardest thing for me to deal with after Hugh's death has been the insensitive things people say to me. I know they don't mean it, but it hurts non-the-less. When people tell me things will get better I now answer "No, they won't get better but they will get different." I know as time goes by I will grieve differently because I lost both my parents and I DO grieve differently today than I did when it was still really new. But I do still grieve. Every single person we lose in this life leaves a new and different void in our lives. That void never goes away, can't be filled by other people or by "keeping busy." No matter how "busy" we keep ourselves when we go to be at night that person is still gone.

Love That!!!!

That is GREAT news!!!!!!!!

Hugh always used to call them "wind-up" dogs.

Its true that when you are dealing with cancer you also have the added weight of dealing with ignorant remarks and attitudes. I was always so hurt by them, but Don gave me the same advice that he has written in this post. We need to dish out forgiveness in huge amounts. I agree with him, it is such a joy to talk with someone who says the right thing. I think my family was the absolute worst for saying and doing things that sounded uncaring and were hurtful. But, they have never had to deal with cancer before and they were uneasy around us. My brother and sister are STILL uneasy around me and because they are uneasy they say all of the wrong things. At this point they don't even call me, I guess because they don't know what to say. M I don't think there is really any excuse for it, but it I guess I understand it.

I am so very sorry for your loss. I, like everyone else, wish there was more I could say to make you feel better.

Norme, I am thinking about you and Buddy and saying prayers!

We were always told that Hugh's father died of a malignant brain tumor (he passed away in the 70s). Supposedly it was found by the eye doctor when he went for a routine eye exam. We never had any reason to question this as this is what his mother told us. However, recently my sister-in-law decided to get copies of death certificates to have on file for both of Hugh's parents. When she got the certificate for Hugh Senior I was shocked to see that the primary cause of death was adenocarcinoma. From being on this board I have seen that many times and now I wonder IS adenocarcinoma strictly a lung cancer or is it a type of cancer that can be found in other parts of the body? I really want to know if his Dad had lung cancer with brain mets or was the brain cancer a primary? I know next to nothing about any kind of lung cancer except SCLC. For some reason this just is making me crazy. The sane part of me says that Hugh's outcome wouldn't be any different whether we knew his father had lung cancer or not. Also, all of Hugh's history at the doctor's office say his father had brain cancer. I want his records to be accurate. I want the medical people involved with Hugh to KNOW that his father had lung cancer if that's the case. Would he have been screened differently if our doctor knew his father had lung cancer??? Would Hugh have given up cigarettes at a much earlier age if he knew this? Does it make a difference for my sons in the way their medical care is done and their chances of getting LC? I don't know why this is eating away at me it just is.

Shannon, You are so strong and so wise! I think you should consider counseling as a profession!

I am continually amazed when I read the posts in this section because they mirror my feelings and thoughts so closely. I also struggle with that lost feeling. My thoughts have been that I just don't know "who" I am. A co-worker who lost her husband to lung cancer a few weeks after I lost Hugh told me that she didn't know where she "belonged" But no matter what words you use to try to describe it, its the same feeling as Shannon not know where she fits. Hugh was such a part of me that without him I am no longer the same person. Who am I? Where do I fit? Where do I belong? What I simply don't know and I think its that feeling that causes me to have the moments of panic that I can't get rid of. I go to the grocery store and I feel like the word "widow" is flashing over my head, I want to get out and be with people but when I am with people I just want to be home as quickly as I can, when I am home I am lonely. The days stretch out endlessly. When Hugh was alive I would anxiously await the end of the work day to get home and be with him, now I hate to see 4:00 roll around. My house is silent, no one to share my day with. I have nothing in common with my married brother and sister anymore and I just find myself getting irritated with them when we are together because they continually talk about all of the stuff they are planning and doing together and I don't have a thing to add to their conversation and I just get nervous and sad. I really do want to find the spot where I will be able to be at least somewhat content. I am not looking for happy just less unhappy. It seems to me like I am searching for something that just isn't there. I sure hope time is the great healer that it is supposed to be.

Saying more prayers. God HAS to listen to us. Don't beat yourself up for feeling depressed, crying or whining. If we weren't sad, devestated, emotionally a wreck I guess we wouldn't be normal. I haven't seen a doctor for help yet, but I am considering it and I think with what we are all dealing with we shouldn't forget help is out their if everything crashes in on us. Good luck in New Orleans!

I love to hear news that makes me smile. Way to go Dave! You continue to prove that we CAN kick this in the butt!!!!

Nancy, There are no words that can begin to tell you how sorry I am.

TBone, I think one of the most important pieces of advice I could give you or anyone is to stay off the net. It is so depressing, and as MO has already said, much of it is outdated and/or wrong. I started out on the net and stumbled onto this site when in desperation I typed Lung Cancer Survivors into Google. It was my salvation when Hugh was having treatment and even now.

Hi T-Bone, You have come to the right place. This place is full support, and a vast knowledge of available treatments and ideas for coping with almost every imaginable problem that you might encounter. Sorry you have to be here.