Candy

Ginny, I am sorry to hear about this latest set-back. As we all know there are too many ups and downs with this horrible disease. I am sending prayers that this is a temporary down and that something will happen to return you both to a high point. Sending prayers and positive thoughts!

Its been a week today. The days just seem to DRAG by now. I have never felt so alone in my entire life. I sure hope this gets better soon. Even when I am surrounded by people I feel alone. I made myself go for a walk today with my sister-in-law, I didn't find any happiness in it but I guess I felt better for being out. I will go back to work tomorrow. Some people have expressed suprise at that. I have been out for 3 weeks and I don't really care if I go back or not but it has to be better than sitting in this house missing Hugh. It will at least give me something to do. I don't know how I will leave the driveway without Hugh standing out there waving to me. I don't know how I will be able to drive home knowing he won't be there when I get there. I guess there are legal things I have to deal with, I haven't even begun to think about that yet. I do know I have to call Social Security and that is about all I know right now. I am really scared that I will have to deal with this feeling of overwhelming grief and lonliness forever. I don't think I could bear that. There just doesn't seem like there is anything that could ever make me really happy and content again..... Sleep, eat, put one foot in front of the other, remember to breathe, try to smile or speak at the appropriate times. I really hate this.

Hi Chuck, This is a wonderful place to come for support. So many people going through what we are going through. I understand how you feel but I don't have any answers. I lost my husband one week ago. I haven't even begun to greive. He was 59 years old and I am 47. I can't tell you how many people who attended his wake just shook their heads and told me I was too young to be a widow. I guess they don't understand that age doesn't matter. Its ALWAYS too young to be a widow/er. I can only say that I have never felt so alone. Even when I am surrounded by people I feel alone. I haven't thought about support groups yet. I think they may be a good idea. I know this support group has been a huge help for me throughout this entire ordeal. My sister-in-law called me this morning to ask me to go for a walk with her. I said no at first and then I changed my mind and made myself go. I didn't find much joy in it but I did feel slightly better being out of the house. I think making yourself do things is important. I will be so glad when I can get up in the morning and not open my refrigerator and see food in there that Hugh prepared, or not have to do something that is a first without Hugh. I had to run into the grocery store this afternoon to get dog food and its the first time I have been there without Hugh. It was much harder than I expected. I parked in "our" spot and ran in fighting tears all the way. I quickly grabbed the dogfood and ran out and cried all the way home. I have never felt this horrible ever in my life. Keep telling yourself that time will make it better. I know it must because men and women survive this every day. I believe that keeping busy is the key. Its making yourself put one foot in front of the other that's hard. Sometimes I feel like I have to work at making myself even breathe. I am going back to work tomorrow. We are all here for you - to listen to you vent, cry or complain and to hear about the small triumphs along the way as you heal.

Of course you can see that the above message was from me. I wasn't logged on. My mind isn't working very well right now!

I am so sorry

I know exactly how you are feeling. Its the strangest thing that you put it into words but even after Hugh was diagnosed I had (and still have) that same feeling. It just echos in my mind (Hugh has cancer) everyday at the end of every sentence I utter. I also have walked in your footsteps a few times (Mother, Father, step-son) and what everyone says is correct: Time heals. Along with the love of your family and your faith. It doesn't seem right now that the pain will every dull, but in time you will remember your wonderful Dad and you will realize that you are actually smiling about a memory instead of crying. I still miss my parents and wish often that I could have them back - that never goes away. My sons, who never met their grandfather speak often of him referring to him as Grandpa and asking me to tell them a story again of something he did or asking if Grandpa ever did this or that. Somehow it helps me feel better that even now after 35 years my children somehow "remember" a grandfather they never even met and know that he was a wonderful man. You will get through this Katie, you are a strong woman and a loving daughter. You will get through this because of that and because you know your Dad would have wanted nothing less. I am saying extra prayers for you and thinking of you.

Hugh never had a personality change from chemo or when he had the brain mets. He DID however have a personality change when he was on decadron when they began treating the brain mets. Funny that the decadron they give him via IV during his chemo treatements don't affect his personality in a negative way but the pills they gave him changed his personality in a big way. He was either extremely angry, extremely happy.... it was about the worst time we have experienced throughout this ordeal.

I agree with Norme - everything that you even THINK might be something should be checked. That said, Hugh had pain on his left side right around his rib cage for well over 2 weeks. It was the same side as his cancer and it went away. We never found out exactly what had caused it. We had started treatment already and he was feeling much better by the time the pain appeared.

HOORAY!!!!!!!!!

Hugh had his first treatment with the new chemo on Thursday. No nausea, not even any change in his appetite. It could be wishful thinking but I am pretty sure his coughing has already decreased. By Wednesday his coughing had become quite frequent and I could hear him wheeze. He hardly coughed at all yesterday. This stuff has moved fast since all this started in November of last year. When I questioned our Onc why there was over 10 days between the biopsy and our first visit with him he said that it wasn't very long and was the typical time for patients. In that 10 days Hugh went from frequent coughing and shortness of breath to barely being able to walk from the bed to the bathroom. In fact, on our first visit to the doctor's office he was so sick he had to be helped into the office and had to lay down. So when the doctor told us Wednesday about this newest development and told Hugh he could start chemo "next week" Hugh replied how about tomorrow? I was very glad, I could see an increase in his coughing even Thursday morning. I am convinced by Monday without treatement we would probably have been in a mess again. I don't know WHY this stuff seems to move so very quickly, in the same breath though as soon as we start treating it, it rapidly improves. I am praying this chemo works as well as the last.

It came as no suprise since we went into them knowing Hugh's markers were up, but the chest scan showed a swollen area and enlarged nodes in his right lung (the original tumor was in his left lung). He started chemo today. Taxol and Camptosar. The doctor says the length of this is open ended depending on what the results are. He says the goal is still to shrink/stabalize the cancer and he also feels that we will see good results from the radiation for the brain mets. He wants to wait a full month before doing a brain scan. Hugh's spirits are still good, he is walking every morning and working around the house. I don't know if this chemo will make him as tired as the last. The doctor said the side effects are about the same. The treatment is different, before we did 3 days of treatment and 2 1/2 wks. off. Now we will do treatment once a week for 2 weeks and a week off. Any one have any experience with this chemo?

Kathy, I lost both my parents (my Dad over 30 years ago and my Mom 8 years ago) and it DOES hurt less over time. You learn to go on. I can say honestly that never does a single day go by when I don't think of each of them at least once, even though I was only 13 when my Dad died. I miss them but now I can remember them with love and I don't feel that acute pain. I still cry now and again for them. Since Hugh's diagnosis I have missed my Mom more, wishing I could talk to her. It does get getter I promise, I guess it is human nature to survive even when we feel like we don't want to.

Sending extra prayers today Sandy! We get the results of Hugh's scans today. I'm not sure how I feel this time going into it knowing there is most likely a problem (because of his rising markers). I just KNOW your results will be posted in GOOD NEWS!!!

Well said - Lung cancer certainly is not for the faint hearted. It is a long and hard journey. I am a huge believer that your mental outlook counts for a LOT. Its such a rollercoaster ride. One minute your up and the next your down. My husband and I don't have the added heartache of having young children and for that I am grateful. We work really hard to keep our spirits up and to BELIEVE he can beat this thing. Everyday I put my feet on the floor and remind myself that a cure could be today. It makes as much sense to me to start my day with that thought as it does to start it with something depressing. This is a wonderful place to be - so many people - so much support, prayers and cheerleading. There are days when I only access the good news forum.

Last week when we went to have Hugh's cumadin levels checked the doctor asked to see us. Ugh! You just know immediately that it CAN NOT be good. He told us Hugh's markers are up and we had to go for a chest scan today. We will get the results tomorrow. I guess I was thinking that things might not be entirely good because Hugh has been pretty tired lately. I kept telling myself that he just wasn't over the radiation yet. In the last few days he has developed a cough. This cough isn't anything like the cough he had that led us to his diagnosis, its more like the cough he had when he caught a cold a few months ago and got really bad post-nasal drip. Also, he has had a backache the last couple of days (again, that instant denial kicks in, as we bought a new kitchen set a couple of weeks ago and Hugh gave up his most comfortable desk chair for the new kitchen chair even though I thought he should just keep the comfortable one, he spends the majority of his day at the table so we are hoping the back pain is just his old & chronic back ache kicking up from the hard chair.) He has been getting cramps in his fingers and hands when he spends anytime doing fine motor stuff. That has been happening since he started weaning off the decadron. I sure am hoping that at the very least we have caught anything that might be kicking up again at a very early stage. What I really hope is that everything is still stable and the high markers were just "left-over" from the brain mets even though the doctor doesn't think that is the case. We don't know how that is yet because the doctor wants to scan 1 month after the radiation was finished which will be in 2 weeks.

Hooray for your much needed and long-awaited good news! That's great Carleen.

I think of and pray for you guys often. I hope to read Keith's scan results in the good news forum!

Cathy, I am so very sorry.

My husband just finished whole head radiation last Thursday (14 treatments). It exhausted him and he said his head seemed very foggy taking his ability to "think" away. By this weekend he already seemed a little better. The steroids were the worst. I think the experience with radiation was much worse than the chemo. Necessary, but nasty. I agree with Ginny - why did they send you to hospice so quickly? My husband is 59 and they are also treating him aggressively do to his age and his health. We have never asked the "how long" question because I feel no mortal, doctor or not, can tell me how long Hugh will live, but they have consistantly treated Hugh with remission as the goal.

SCLC is aggessive but it also responds very well to the chemo. My husband was diagnosed in December and was so sick he could barely walk. After 8 rounds of chemo he was just about back to normal. The chemo, while not a picnic, wasn't bad. After his last treatment in June he built a beautiful arbor and fence in our yard and is still mowing the lawn. A few weeks ago we discovered he had brain mets after his face became numb. He has just finished up 14 radiation treatments and we are hoping it was successful. Your right, its a journey both good and bad. You learn to appreciate the good so much more than ever before. We, like Katie, treat this as a chronic disorder that constantly has to be watched and treated. Hugh has had a very good quality of life since his diagnosis, not like it was before to be sure but he has a positive attitude, he keeps busy doing yard work, and light housework and today he even went to work for the first time since his diagnosis which is HUGE! He isn't planning on working full time as he is a landscaper and he isn't able at this time to do such physically intense work for 8 hours a day, but they needed someone to go look at and trouble shoot a job and called him. I am a firm believer that a positive attitude plays a big part.

Shellie, I am so very sorry.

Add my prayers to all the rest!!!!

Cathy, I am so very sorry to hear this - I am saying extra prayers for you and your Dad. Its times like this when I wish we all lived close so we could be there to help you out. (((Hugs)))

Hi Don, I hope Lucie has a quick recovery from this. Thank heavens for family and good friends. Its great that Lucie can have someone there all the time. Sending lots of extra prayers!

I think thats good advice Faye. Hugh actually knows that he isn't quite himself and sometimes I let it go, but if he gets really emotional I will smile and say something like "your getting steroidal" It usually helps somewhat. I also like to remind him that he is down to 2 this week etc.