Fred

A fellow came into a bar and ordered a martini. Before drinking it, he removed the olive and carefully put it into a glass jar. Then he ordered another martini and did the same thing. After an hour, when he was full of martinis and the jar was full of olives, he staggered out. "Well," said a customer, "I never saw anything as peculiar as that!" "What's so peculiar about it?" the bartender said. "His wife sent him out for a jar of olives."

Husband: When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger? Wife: I clean the toilet bowl. Husband: How does that help? Wife: I use your toothbrush.

Respectfully Cheating Jack and Betty are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary. "Betty, I was wondering -- have you ever cheated on me?" "Oh Jack, why would you ask such a question now? You don't want to ask that question..." "Yes, Betty, I really want to know. Please." "Well, all right. Yes, 3 times." "Three? When were they?" "Well, Jack, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan? Remember how one day the bank president himself came over to the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked?" "Oh, Betty, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, that you would do such a thing for me! So, when was number 2?" "Well, Jack, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you? Remember how Dr. DeBakey came all the way up here, to do the surgery himself, and then you were in good shape again?" "I can't believe it! Betty, I love that you should do such a thing for me, to save my life! I couldn't have a more wonderful wife. To do such a thing, you must really love me darling. I couldn't be more moved. When was number 3?" "Well, Jack, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the golf club and you were 17 votes short?"

Tiff With Riley ''My God! What happened to you?'' the bartender asked Kelly as he hobbled in on a crutch, one arm in a cast. ''I got in a tiff with Riley.'' ''Riley? He's just a wee fellow,'' the barkeep said, surprised. ''He must have had something in his hand.'' ''That he did,'' Kelly said. ''A shovel it was.'' ''Dear Lord. Didn't you have anything in your hand?'' ''Aye, that I did -- Mrs. Riley's left boob.'' Kelly said. ''And a beautiful thing it was, but not much use in a fight.''

Chastity Belt A man decided to march in the holy crusades. Concluding that his wife should wear a chastity belt while he is gone, he locks up her nether regions and gives the key to his best friend. He tells him, “If I do not return within four years, unlock my wife and set her free to live a normal life.” So, the husband leaves on horseback and about a half hour later, he sees a cloud of dust behind him. He waits for it to come closer and sees his best friend. “What's wrong?' ” he asks. “You gave me the wrong key!”

A woman went down to the Welfare Office to get aid. The office worker asked her, "How many children do you have?" "Ten," she replied. "What are their names?" he asked. "David, David, David, David, David, David, David, David, David and David," she answered. "They're all named David?" he asked "What if you want them to come in from playing outside?" "Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just call 'David,' and they all come running in." "And, if you want them to come to the table for dinner?" "I just say, 'David, come eat your dinner'," she answered. "But what if you just want ONE of them to do something?" he asked. "Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just use their last name!"

How to Tell the sex of a Fly A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter 'What are you doing?' She asked. 'Hunting Flies' He responded. 'Oh. ! Killing any?' She asked. 'Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,' he replied. Intrigued, she asked. 'How can you tell them apart?' He responded, '3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone.

Nodules still stable! Thank you Jesus! This is my 8th scan since discovering I had lung nodules with my July 2005 CT scan. It is 2 years and 8 months that those buggers have not changed. The local doctors have now declared the nodules BENIGN. However, I have been sending all my scans and local reports to Kasey's doctor at the National Cancer Institute. He offered to review my scans and give his opinions. He being a world renowned doctor, and what he did for Kasey when no other doctor would or could, I feel very fortunate he is doing this for me. If he declares my nodules benign I will truly feel blessed. Drinks are on me at the pub! Fred

Eddie's first-grade class was having a game of Name That Animal. The teacher held up a picture of a cat and asked, "What animal is this?" "A cat!" said Suzy. "Good job! Now, what's this animal?" "A dog!" said Ricky. "Good! Now what animal is this?" she asked, holding up a picture of a deer. The class fell silent. After a couple of minutes, the teacher said, "It's what your mom calls your dad." "A horny b*stard!" called out Eddie.

Good one!!!

Bumper Sticker I saw on a car today: Driver does not carry cash. He's married!

I'm awake but struggling with finding another joke today. It is very difficult to find "good" jokes on a daily basis. I can find plenty of "bad" ones. I will keep trying so you are not disappointed Patti B.

A blonde walks into a drugstore and purchases a pack of condoms. ''That will be $1.08, please'' says the clerk. ''What's the eight cents for?'' asks the blonde. ''It says one dollar right here on the packaging.'' ''Tax,'' replies the clerk. ''Gee,'' says the blonde, ''I thought you just rolled them on and they stayed put!''

A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?" "Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?"

Good one Muriel.

Reason why it's so hard to solve a redneck murder: All the DNA is the same

In our house, I get up first, I make the coffee.

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee". The husband said, " You are in charge of the cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee." Wife replies, "No you should do it, and besides it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee." Husband replies, " I can't believe that, show me." So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and shows him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says: "HEBREWS"

How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb? two -- if they are small enough

Why was the blonde mad when she got her drivers license back? Because she got an ''F'' in sex.

Kasey and I have separate computers so I am able to vote from mine too. I think this is a very neat thing Siemens is doing and hope your hospital wins. Fred

Thanks everyone for the birthday wishes. Kasey has the Pub open all the time so if you haven't had a drink yet, now is the time to get one and help me celebrate. Fred

That cow is going to be steaks and chops tonight.....

I lost my first wife to cancer when I was 38 years old. Then Kasey came into my life. Not sure if I pursued her or she pursued me. I've been very happy ever since. Fred

Intercourse, PA