EastCoastLadi

(((Cheryl))) I am so sorry you feel this way, please don't leave! To be honest I'm not up to date on your circumstances, but if you have gotten some negative responses from some please don't think it is the thoughts of all of us. In a way I do understand, when my husband was fighting this terrible disease, I spoke my mind, I had to, I was his wife, his strongest advocate, it didn't matter, I had to speak, if some didn't understand, so be it, I couldn't worry about the "petty things", this was so much greater. please don't leave... Grace (PM me at any time!)

I had a hard time over the past few days to actually request this, but I found a lump in my breast and I am going to my dr. today to find out what is going on. If you could send some positive thoughts my way, I would so appreciate it. After all I have been thru, I can take whatever comes my way. The most difficulty I have is that I am so worried about my girls, they can't take any more bad news! UPDATE thank you so much for your support! after an afternoon of tests everything is OK , it is a great relief, I don't think I could of taken anymore bad news...once again thank you... much luv, Grace

3 months, where does the time go? Sometimes it feels like yesterday that Carlton left us. Other days it seems so long ago. Does it get easier?, I wouldn't say easier, it gets "different". I still cry everyday, some more intense than others. The girls have their difficult days too. Yesterday was hard, it was the girls spring music recital, Carlton made the winter one, bearly, he was so sick, but didn't want to disappoint us. Little did anyone know that 3 weeks later he would be gone. I still don't know what to do. I still have to "tie up" loose ends. Did Carlton leave everything all set for us, No, I know he didn't expect the die so quickly, he was in the middle of so many things. Are there things that still bother me, of course, I really didn't get to say goodbye to him, well I did, but he didn't to me, to the girls. Should I have taken back the DNR for the final moments so that I could of made it to the hospital in time to be there when he died? I can't beat up on myself, am I still lost without him? in many respects yes, the house is way too big, Carlton loved it, he had so many "projects" to do, but me, I'm not a "handy" person, but I try. So I get scared, yes, he isn't there to help me work out problems, if I'm doing the right thing, have I made the right decisions? Now I have to figure out "our new life", I have a "little bit" of time, but not forever, I have 2 daughters to support. They fear something will happen to me. I still think it isn't fair for these young girls to be going thru such a loss. Grace

(((Dana))) I am so very sorry, your mom, Joanie, had many admirers here, please know my heart and prayers go out to your family. Grace

((Heather)) I know, I'm starting to experience with my girls those "firsts", Carltons' birthday was last Friday, now Mothers' Day, and next weekend will be the girls first recital without daddy. please take care.. Grace

It's been a very difficult day, we planted the flowers, cooked the steak and potatoes, and sat at the dining room table and placed pictures of Carlton where he would of been sitting. It's just so sad, not fair, especially for our girls, children this young shouldn't have to grieve. Grace

I wish you were here, I can't believe you didn't make it to your birthday. The girls and I, well you know. I've been talking to you about it for a couple of days. I could picture you coming down the stairs, in those sweats you stole from me, lol, and some t-shirt. I'd be tired, getting ready for bed, you, you were hungry, looking in the kitchen for something to eat. Then you would ask me to stay up with you for a while and just hang out for a while, how could I resist! I hardly ever did. Oh we'd have "our fun" you know . and you who asked me to stay up, would quickly fall asleep, but that was ok by me, I knew where you were. I just don't know where you are anymore. of course in my heart and the girls of course, who love their daddy so much, in theirs. I love you Carlton, very much. I always did and always will. Happy Birthday Baby! Love, Grace (aka "the wife")

You may ask why cell phone? you see I lost my earlier tonight, I don't know where somewhere between my driveway and when I dropped my daughter off at her music lessons. Looked and looked, no luck, someone probably picked it up. I canceled the phone, don't want anyone running up my bill. You're still asking why cell phone? you see it was the last birthday present Carlton gave me, he knew I needed a new phone and of course my b-day perfect match. Not only did I lose the phone with numbers but it was a camera phone and with it all the pictures I took are gone too. The hardest is that there were pictures I had taken of Carlton on the very last trip away we would take together. I only took 2 pictures of him, but they are gone, forever. I can't replace them, I can't replace Carlton. I know it's only a cell phone, I mean, I have lost the greatest thing ever in my life, my husband. Grace

(((Ginny))) this week I think of all the occasions that we will all miss, Carltons' birthday is tomorrow and I so understand the sorrow and anger, but be gentle on yourself. Grace

I'm hoping you have her on May 4th, that is Carltons' birthday, I would love to have a wonderful new life come into the world on a very special day for me and my girls... ...but whenever she decides...she's going to be beautiful!!! Grace

Happy B-day Frank! - I know Carlton is up there with you having a beer! - you can join him this Friday for his birthday! Grace

I can't tell you how much I agree about having a truly exceptional oncologist. My husbands' oncologist was absolutely incredible. He truly cared and was so very concerned about all of us. He was very straight forward, which we respected and he would call our home to see how Carlton was doing. When Carlton was in his final month and when he first went into his coma, his dr. came down to icu and talked with our girls about their daddy, he told them he would always be there for them and me. After Carlton died, I hadn't heard from him, he was on vacation and his wife was sick, when he did call, and I knew he was going to call, I was so overwhelmed and he said that he respected me tremendously, and that he knew that our daughters would grow up to be very strong women. He told me his door was always open and he wanted me to come and visit him and wanted to know about Carlton the person ( oh he knew about him, but not some of the "stories" of Carltons' life) I eventually got up the courage and saw him about a week and a half ago, it was so nice, brief, but I wanted him to know and tell him in person thank you, and that I will come by and we will have that chat. I tell everyone if ever they had to deal with cancer, any kind, any level.....I would send them immediately to him.... Grace

(((Randy))) I know how devestated you are, I am very sorry about Daisy. Grace

Where did the time go? It seems like both a long time and yet almost like yesterday, since Carlton died. It isn't getting any easier. There were so many moments that I sure could of used his help and support. I hate having to be both "mom" and "dad", I'm doing the hard dad stuff Carlton used to do and I have to do my mom stuff. It's too hard. I've been pumping out my basement for 3 days now and just discovered my porch roof is leaking again, the one we had fixed 7 years ago, my ceiling is ruined. I can't do this alone. I don't want to. I still cry everyday, not continously, but it happens. This past Friday, I took a big step and went to the cancer center to visit my husbands' oncologist, since I was up in the area I wanted just to say hello. He was so happy to see me, and we gave each other a big hug ( gosh I needed that so much!). He told me again that he has such a deep respect for me, I still don't know where that is coming from, perhaps when chat again I will ask him. He tells me his door will always be open to me, and wants me to come back and visit him, he wants to know about who Carlton was. I was good, I didn't break down, I left that for as soon as I got on the elevator. I still don't understand why, and I am not on good terms with GOD, maybe sometime, but not right now. The girls are doing the best they can, they're just kids, my oldest 12, had a very hard night a few nights ago, I told her, it isn't fair and I lost my dad too. to which she replied, but mom you weren't 12. How do I answer that? I'll tell you how messed up I am right now, I'm here crying again, still having to take care of the house, while I have a sister that right now is in the "city" working on a project with a real "BIG TIME" NFL superstar!, and you ask why am I thinking of that, because I helped her get stuff together, did research and what do I get, well I get to hear about all the good time she had, why I go and put on my boots and pump out the cellar again. hey thanks for the listen, I know it is just rambling, but thank you, thank you, so much for being here and not leaving me. Grace

(((Randy))) My heart goes out to you and Daisy tonight, I know you will take very good care of her, and please make sure to take care of you too. Here if you need us Grace

Bobby, my husband never had a problem as well, I've spoken to my brother who is a physician and he told me it is in the way the doctor "words" the order, because he does it all the time. I would have your sister speak to her dr. or the secretaries that do the scheduling for him/her and ask. Grace

(((Melinda))) I'm at a loss for words this morning. My heart is breaking for you and the children. Your husband was very lucky to have a wonderful person like you. Please, please remember I'm here for you. Grace

Amanda, I'm so very sorry about your dad. My prayers to you and your family. Grace

Melinda I sent you a PM. I know that the time is soon, there will be many prayers coming your way. Grace

(((Tina))) you don't have to apologize for anything, I understand the difficulty, in fact my oldest daughter just had her 12th birthday last week, it was the first major event to happen without Carlton. In fact before he got really sick, he promised her that she could go to this really great chinese restaurant that she wanted to try. So after when he died and her b-day was coming up, I wanted to keep daddys' promise and I took her and 3 of her friends there for her birthday. it was difficult, because the last time I was there was w/ Carlton. please take care Tina, don't be hard on yourself.. Grace

Raney, I have seen the lung cancer ribbon white outlined in gold. Grace

(((Melinda))) I'm sending out prayers to you and your family this evening. Grace

(((Melinda))) thinking about you and your family today, you know I'm here for you Grace

(((Melinda))) you know I'm here for you, it's such a helpless, devestating thing to watch the man you love decline right before your eyes. You're the closest to him, of course he is going to take all of his pain, anger and fear out on you. You know that I know how quickly small cell lc moves and that is what is happening here, I can't tell you in what specific ways, except that it is. try to talk to his nurses about getting him less aggitated, unfortunately he probably needs to be sedated more. I know I felt so awful whenever I told the nurses and drs. at the hospital to up Carltons' morphine, but I didn't want him to suffer, I wanted him to be totally out of it, was it easier on me and my girls, no, but my bottom line was no pain for Carlton. I hate cancer, it sucks, it takes and takes ..... even though you feel like you are all alone, please, please, make sure you take care of yourself, like I mentioned before, even if it is just making a cup of tea for yourself. I know you don't want to hear some of these things, but you're in the "fog" I spoke about and you will get thru this, unfortunately you have no choice, but I found posting when I went thru all that w/ Carlton and coming here and reading everyones' prayers and love, it meant so much to me and it still does. PM me if you want to.. luv, Grace

Congratulations!!! I hope you show us a pic of that little darling!!! Grace