EastCoastLadi

Grief hits me in the oddest of situations, in the supermarket, I don't need to buy for 4, when the weatherman says rain is coming (Carltons' favorite kind of weather), buying a lottery ticket, watching my favorite soap opera. Grief, cuts into my soul, my heart drops, I am so very tired. I am at a total disbelief that Carlton is gone. I wonder how much more sadness and grief can I take. I can have my moments of just doing everyday things, washing dishes, waking up the girls for school and then something or even nothing triggers my saddness. I have this wonderful picture of Carlton and I, I can't even look at it, it breaks my heart, I see his eyes and he is looking at me, my soul is broken. I'm in total disbelief I miss Carlton Tonite I made meatloaf for me and the girls... Grace

(((Stephanie))) your dad was the same age as my husband, still young and it isn't fair. I know the shock that you are in, I am still in shock myself over my husbands' death. please know that there are many wonderful people here for you, I know that personally, from what I have and am going thru too. All my prayers to you. Grace

I am very sorry, I know exactly how difficult it is for you and your family right now. Please know my prayers go out to you and your family at this difficult time. Grace

(((Melinda))) I am here for you, I know exactly how you are feeling, yes, your husband is strong, and ones' will can make a person go through the unimaginable with strength and diginity. Although, Carlton didn't really go to hospice, but I did talk to him about having things set up in our home, just in case he needed them. My heart goes out to you and your children, it is too much, and I hate the fact that you have to go through this. once again...I'm here for you Grace

I don't think I can eloquently put into words the love and gratitude that I have for all of you during this heartbreaking time for me and my girls. I am so very heartbroken now, it is such a struggle to even type these words. I know it is all so new, but I still am in total disbelief. Carlton is gone, and there are moments when it doesn't feel that way and than bam! reality sets in, he is gone and isn't coming back ever! I've done the phone calls - the ones that needed to know, the arrangements, and now all the endless paperwork to get my family going again, it is a challenge, but I must keep going for the girls and myself The girls went back to school today, they wanted to, I think it is very important to try to get back to their "regular" life - school, activities, homework, chores...but I think my breaking down is making them worse, so I come here and hide my sorrow But to go back to my orginal thought, to all of you, the prayers, the good thoughts, the comforting words, the "virtual" hugs and holding of hands helped me through these past few weeks. I knew that eventually Carlton would die from this, but I wasn't prepared in the way that he did, I guess I thought he would slowly go downhill, that we would have the time to say our final goodbyes, and I love you, that I would be with him till his last breath. But it wasn't meant to be. I still need you all, it is so lonely and painful, I will come back, I want to talk and I hope that others will be here to continue to help me get through this awful time in my life. My love to you all.. Grace

http://www.legacy.com/lowellsun/Obituar ... d=86631969

Carlton passed away around 6:15 this evening. I wasn't there to see him pass, but it would of been just like Carlton to do it himself with no one else around. Once again thank you so very much..... will post again later... luv Grace

Again, from my heart, all the love and gratitude to everyone for all you have given to me... Last night Carlton was "stable" - I use that term loosely because how can someone be dying stable? ...but he's so damn stubborn and tough, his dr. came in last night, (hadn't seen him in a couple of days), he just stood there in amazement, for all Carlton is going thru and how he is is nothing short of unbelievable. The dr. told me, that the fever Carlton is having can not be controlled, it is due to the brain tumors, his hypothalmus is more likely destroyed, but the most they can do is tylenol and ice packs, I was told his temp. could actually go below normal. But the dr. and his nurse were more concerned about me, since Carlton was "stable" for the moment they suggested I go home and get some rest, they would call me if anything changes. I went home, and I'm glad I did, my sister called ( she had the girls for the night), but my youngest wasn't doing well, she wanted to come home, so off I went and got the both girls, my oldest when she got in the door, said she was so glad to be home. I am glad home is comforting for them, I sometimes forget they're hurting as much as I am, and even more, so I'm here for them right now. I did go see Carlton earlier today, he looks real bad, again, no response, high temp, all the mucus in his throat and now pneumonia, but God love him, because he's tough. I truly believe his soul is above us, it is just his body that will not give in.. my neighbor came over earlier, I told her everything, she lost her husband of 40 something yrs a few yrs back to lung cancer, -- she gets it too, but said Carlton was the nicest person you ever wanted to meet. She told me the story, when she asked him, why he left so very early in the morning to go to work ( 3am), he said for him to get home early to be with his girls -- that's my man.... I love you Carlton.... luv Grace

I'm back from a very restless night at the hospital. Carlton is such a fighter! But yesterday was so difficult, the girls saying goodbye to daddy, they are such beautiful young ladies! I found out that ones heart can break over and over and over. So i stayed the night and now Carlton has spiked a temp. of about 102. so it was tylenol and ice bags for him, I know he is still young and has an incredibly strong body and mind, he just doesn't want to let go, unfortunately, it is a battle that he will lose... We're continuing the care and comfort, of course, and I now feel like I'm part of the hospital "family", I've told Carltons' story, and our story....over and over to so many I'm in this incredible fog, I'm dreaming weird dreams, but I can't remember them, except that they were weird. but I am "so" getting "it" - I know you know, I don't have to explain it further.... I am so fortunate to have such loving and caring friends here..... much love, Grace

I feel the end is near, he is much worse than yesterday. I am taking the girls up to the hospital one last time to say their goodbyes and love you to their daddy.... I will be spending the night.... once again, thank you, send me your strength ...... i will hold his hand tight and just love him.... luv Grace

I'm home for the night, last night was very difficult, alot of chain stokes breathing, very aggitated, very congested. I thought last night would be my last Saturday night with him. But he made it thru the night, got a "patch" behind his ear, like a dramamine and a sublingual pill for under his tongue to dry up all the mucus, and it has done wonders. Today I went home in the morning, after little to no sleep and came back this afternoon, believe it or not, he looks wonderful! he's not in distress, he looks so comfortable, still has those chain stokes breathing, but can hardly hear any fluids in his lungs and throat. but still nonresponsive, I'm wondering... I'm at an ethical delemina, should I question the drs. and test him to see what his brain functions are? The rest of his body is strong, his heart is incredibly strong, he can breathe on his own w/ no problems, and his vitals are great. but should i do more for him, like a feeding tube, should I have them give him for than comfort and care. but then, I know the cancer is spreading, do I want to do measures that prolong his life, only to create more pain for him to only live longer but in agony? or do I just continue to do and let Carlton, nature and God runs his course? of course, i don't know what the minutes, seconds, bring for Carlton, I left him, he was very comfortable, had the radio playing some music that I know that he loves. A fan blowing a cool breeze, the lights are dim..... much love, Grace

I wanted to let you know Carlton is now in a total unconscious/coma state. He is on continous morphine drip. His systems are starting to shut down, breathing is getting more labored. But he is comfortable. He has an air mattress in his room, and I bought a cd player up to his room and I'm having the nurses and staff, play his favorite music. I'm still in a total state of shock, but my girls got to see him one last time on thurs nite, and last night my family came to see him. his aunt, who is like his second mom, is trying to get up sunday to see him, I'm going to spend the night w/ him after I spend some time with the girls today. I spoke w/ all his drs. they assure me I did the right thing, his onc. told me if I go home and he does die while I'm not w/ him, not to feel guilty, I did everything I could and he told me that he has seen alot of people who wait till they are alone to pass on. I love my husband! I will miss Carlton.... letting him go is the hardest thing I have ever had to do... Grace

(((Randy))) Big warm hug for you tonite.... Grace

I had a very upsetting afternoon today, Carlton was moved from ICU up to a Med/Surg floor, we waited 3 days for what I thought was going to be a private room, when we got there, not only was it not a private room, but incredibly small, couldn't fit a chair and there was another patient, what had a few visitors, who were laughing, talking. So I lost it, I pulled the curtain all around Carlton and sobbed uncontrollably. I rang for the nurse, when she got here, I told her that I was told Carlton was to be a private room, that that would be where he was going to die, and that it was unacceptable, for me to bring my young children, and any family members. I wanted somewhere quiet, were family and friends could visit and for him to die in peace. they told me they would try, I left, cried uncontrollably and called the social worker at the cancer ctr. she wasn't much of a help, you see the hospital was under a "census crisis" - pretty much full capacity, well I thought waiting 3 days for my terminally ill husband was enough of a wait.... ..but I just called the hospital, he got his private room, now I hope that he will be able to stay there...i can't believe this is happening, this is the final stages of his life...I'm just not ready, I don't know how much more I can take, my heart is broken, my soul aches, it's too painful, why?, did I make the right decision in doing a DNR?, just providing "care and comfort" measures, means, IV, with meds for seizures, steroids, and morphine if he needs it. but no monitors, no feeding tube...what am I doing? As much as I want him back, I don't want him to suffer..... Grace

I'm here...thank you for all of your concerns, Carlton is stable, by that meaning that he is considered in a "semi-comatose" state, his vitals are stable and they seems to have gotten his seizures under control. But i'm totally a wreck, today here outside is just a mess and I couldn't go up to the hospital to see him, so last night I bought him up a get well card from my oldest daughters' class and a silk red rose and a valentines' day card from me. It was so difficult to pick one out, everything I read one, it was too much, a women beside me in the store was trying to pick one out for her husband and turned to me and said, it's so difficult, if she only knew.... People tell me I am strong, but i'm not, I'm just numb, I break down so very often, I'm so heartbroken, and can't sleep, eating junk and just forgetting everything... I was lying in bed last night thinking about when I would come here and read when others were going through your/their losses, my heart would always go out and I would say, sorry and send prayers, but now it is happening to me and I now "get it"..and Carlton is still here..but I know when he passes ( and the drs. don't think it will be very long - his onc. said perhaps 2 weeks at the most. - but no one really knows) I will go through this hideous grief, the longing for my love, my life, the only man I ever wanted. but tonite, he "sleeps" in ICU, still waiting for a bed in a private room. and Yes, I made the decision, that I wanted him at the hospital till the end, no "nursing home" and for him to come home now, it's not an option. I guess this is just the way it was meant to be, but it's happening so fast.. but at least for now he isn't in pain, I will be up to see him tomorrow, I'll talk, give him kisses, help wet his lips, watch some tv, read to him, remenis about everything and anything. While I sit and hold his hand...I'm still looking for a sign...I still don't know if it will happen... once again, you all mean so much to me....I know it may be anytime of day or nite when it is too much, but you will all be here. much love Grace ps thats' a pic of Carlton - it was taken at Lake Champlain, Vermont this summer.....it was our last family vacation together

I'm here...thank you for all of your concerns, Carlton is stable, by that meaning that he is considered in a "semi-comatose" state, his vitals are stable and they seems to have gotten his seizures under control. But i'm totally a wreck, today here outside is just a mess and I couldn't go up to the hospital to see him, so last night I bought him up a get well card from my oldest daughters' class and a silk red rose and a valentines' day card from me. It was so difficult to pick one out, everything I read one, it was too much, a women beside me in the store was trying to pick one out for her husband and turned to me and said, it's so difficult, if she only knew.... People tell me I am strong, but i'm not, I'm just numb, I break down so very often, I'm so heartbroken, and can't sleep, eating junk and just forgetting everything... I was lying in bed last night thinking about when I would come here and read when others were going through your/their losses, my heart would always go out and I would say, sorry and send prayers, but now it is happening to me and I now "get it"..and Carlton is still here..but I know when he passes ( and the drs. don't think it will be very long - his onc. said perhaps 2 weeks at the most. - but no one really knows) I will go through this hideous grief, the longing for my love, my life, the only man I ever wanted. but tonite, he "sleeps" in ICU, still waiting for a bed in a private room. and Yes, I made the decision, that I wanted him at the hospital till the end, no "nursing home" and for him to come home now, it's not an option. I guess this is just the way it was meant to be, but it's happening so fast.. but at least for now he isn't in pain, I will be up to see him tomorrow, I'll talk, give him kisses, help wet his lips, watch some tv, read to him, remenis about everything and anything. While I sit and hold his hand...I'm still looking for a sign...I still don't know if it will happen... once again, you all mean so much to me....I know it may be anytime of day or nite when it is too much, but you will all be here. much love Grace ps thats' a pic of Carlton - it was taken at Lake Champlain, Vermont this summer.....it was our last family vacation together

Once again, thank you for all your thoughts and prayers. I am home for a few hours to try to get some type of rest. Carlton is still in the ICU, he is on Ativan IV and now Morphine for any pain and distress. It was hard to leave him tonite, but I knew I had to get some rest, and I needed to call his brother on the west coast. Right now I am on autopilot. I know that my decision to let him go is the right decision, I know that Carlton would not want to be in the state he is in right now, even though he is one of the most courageous, toughest person I have ever met. Perhaps there is a part of me that is still in denial, thinking maybe miracles do exist and perhaps if I talk to him, hold his hand and tell him how much I love him, that perhaps he may respond to me. I told them at the hospital to please call me, if anything happens, the one thing I do not want to happen is for him to die alone. and on top of all of this, a nor'easter is coming our way, and Valentines' day is tomorrow, I don't want my love to be taken away from me on a day that we celebrate our loves... I will keep in touch.. much love Grace

It's been a very tough day, I went in this morning and was told they brought him down to ICU, he was seizuring, this continued for 4 hours. So I made the decision to DNR and just provide comfort and care, he is totally out of it. My girls came up and saw their daddy, it was so very heartbreaking, thank goodness the social worker from the cancer center was there along w/ my husbands oncologist and they were wonderful w/ my girls. I don't know how much longer, it's happening so fast, I know that he will not be in pain... Grace

Kaffie, I wondered where you were, I'm so glad you've come back.... Grace

Betty, I am so very sorry about your sister, my heart and prayers go out to you. Grace

quick update, after 4 falls, and total unable to stand...called the onc. he said back to hospital, he thinks rehab may be the best for him, but husband wants to do chemo on monday, so we think hospital best setting, just waitinf for call from hospital for his bed to be ready.... will update when i can... Grace

Gosh, there is so much going on here, my tears today have been mixed, first hearing about Frank, what a genuine, kind, spirit, God has called to heaven, I pour a drink and toasted to Frank, and asked him if he would save a spot for my husband. As you may know Carlton came home Monday night, alot better than a week ago Tuesday. On tues. the Visiting nurse came in for assessment, and the physical therapist. He will be seeing them a couple of times a week, but he doesn't want any home health aide, or a hospital bed. But on Tuesday, it was rough, he started to have uncontrollable "seizures" - "focal/petite mal" on his left side, thank God for ativan, but Carlton is obviously much slower, in everything he does, says or thinks. He is on so many damn pills, at least he can swallow. But he is stubborn as all hell, and I guess I rather have him around like this, than not at all. It looks like it is getting more and more difficult for him and for me, I am so fragmented, the girls, even though they won't show it are having an enormously tough time with this. But today, we met w/ the oncologist. and had "the talk"....I don't have to go into all the details, but basically, tumors in the brain have grown, the cancer obviously has spread, there are not alot of options, quality of life vs. quantity. But my husband wants to fight, so now the dr. is going to start Carlton on IV ireacotan)) my spelling bites!), only 60 mg ( 1/2 dosage) every week, to see how well he can tolerate it. I trust the dr. he's a very good man. ..but later on this afternoon, Carlton was having even more intense, "focal seizures"....I gave him 2 mgs of ativan, and he was still having them 1 1/2 hrs into. So I called the onc. office, I was amazed he spoke to me directly, he told me to up his dexamethadone and I can give him a couple of mgs more of ativan, if he needs it. But of course, 911 if he has a major seizure. This is the brain tumors.....I got him to sleep... but later on this evening, he tried to go to the bathroom, and my youngest heard a thump, and I ran up. he fell, trying to go to the bathroom, he was bleeding, he scaped his arm something bad, but now, you got to throw embarassment and shame out the window, and take care of, and let the ones you love take care of you....I got him bandaged up....and changed his clothes - (I made him put on "depends"), I told him, just for tonight, thats all. He said I wasn't treating him w/ dignity. I have all the dignity for my husband, my methods may need to be tuned up, but I wanted him not to hurt himself and not be in pain.... ...I don't know how long he has.....no body knows.....but all I can tell you is that, yes he is dying, I am on "autopilot". I am so grateful that you all exist and that this place exists, you are part of my rock, my lean on, my comfort...... Thank u, luv Grace

Rest in peace Frankie - tonite I will hold high my glass and toast to you!!!! Grace

(((Betty))) My heart is so heavy, there is so much going on with our love ones. Prayers for your sister for peace and prayers for you for strength. Grace

....once again, I can't thank everyone enough for all the love and support ...the news is Carlton is home! ...we got home just a little while ago. he is still shakey, and boy is there alot of work to be done... tomorrow the visiting nurse will come, evaluate him, and his medicine. He has a few new meds, so I have got to read up on...but they also sent him home w/ a walker and a comode, they wanted to send a hospital bed, but he refused. I'm glad that I don't have to work for the next few days because I'm going to have to get this all in place, nurses, physical therapy, occupational therapy, setting up labs to take his blood at home. making drs. appointments. his onc came in to see us, he wants to see us on thurs., we're going to go over everything, MRI results, other blood work he did, and he's been brainstorming and has got an idea of two he wants to present to us. of course, it is very exhausting, and while I am not in my "crisis" mode, it still his overwhelming... ..I apologize for not being more supportive of everyone here and what is going on with all of you, I think perhaps I will be able to come on here and catch up with what is going on....and my prayers and thoughts go out to everyone...... ....I need all of you and I hope I can do the same.. lots of luv, Grace