glo

Like SandyS, I too am posting with tears running down my face. Your post was so eloquent. I am so glad you were able to hold him and comfort him in his last hours and minutes. All of us here who have lost a loved one to this awful disease, share in your pain. Please keep posting here, so that we may try and help you. So, so, sorry for your loss. Gloria

Hi, Dean - Sorry to hear you're feeling down. I agree with Don that if you could take a better pain med it might make a lot of difference. I know that before Chuck went in the hospital it was so important to him to be able to drive. Like Gay, I don't drive, for various reasons. Luckily, my daughter lives nearby and we have several neighbors who are longtime friends, and so we could get to the doctor, pharmacy, grocery store, etc., but he would still rather take less medicine and be able to drive himself. You might check with the doctor. I think some of the patches might still allow you to function, but with less pain. Can't hurt to ask. I believe my brother-in-law who has had multiple back surgeries is on the Duragesic (Fentanyl) patches and is still able to drive. You have had tremendous strength of will to carry you this far and stay so upbeat and helpful to others, and I'm sure with a little sunshine, you'll be back on track again. Meanwhile, please keep posting and let us try to be as helpful to you as you are to others. Gloria

OMG -- at first I was doing fine, then there started being more of them and they got bigger! Finally got them all gone and quick closed the game. Must not go there again. I hate those little devils. Gloria

We need to find you one of those big plastic bubbles -- like the "boy in a bubble" for compromised immune systems -- a really BIG bubble that you can fit in scooter and all. Hmm, have to be an awfully tough bubble so the wheels don't pop it as it rolls on the sidewalk --and if the scooter gives off any heat ... ooops. Oh, darn, back to the drawing board. Sure don't want poor Gay walking behind, holding a golf umbrella over you. Seriously, though, I do sympathize. Can't imagine why they don't make those scooters weatherproof. Hope the weather forecast is wrong and you get sunshine soon. Gloria

wow. My speakers were up kind of loud and that gave me quite a start -- really cute -- nice way to get your blood pumping.

Oh, they are both beautiful children. Great pictures! Gloria

Woo Hoo - So happy for you Dean. It is above 70 degrees today in Sacramento. Just start on up this way -- your excitement will probably give you enough energy to get here! Bet Natalie would join me in taking you out to dinner. Oh, wait -- doesn't look like there's room for Gay on there, and we sure don't want to leave her out. Well, I'm sure you'll find many good places to go on that scooter. Sure glad you posted the picture. I'm smiling now. Gloria

Oh, Norme - My heart goes out to you. Even though we believe they are watching over us and waiting for us, the here and now is mighty difficult. Yours and Buddy's love has always shined bright as light here on this message board and I know it will continue. Please stay with us and let us try and help you, as you have always helped everyone on the board. They didn't even have to ask. You are an incredibly caring and wise woman and we all love you. I, too, thought of the song Snowflake posted. It seems to fit you and Buddy perfectly. Gloria

Hi, Natalie's Dad - I'm so very sorry you have to go through this. I know you aren't going through it alone because I've read posts and corresponded with your wonderful daughter Natalie. Nevertheless, after so many years of being a couple, life is suddenly very strange and the whole world looks different, and you never knew it could hurt so much. I was married for 40 years to my husband Chuck, who died Sept. 1 at age 65 from this awful disease. The house is now so empty. I wish I had some words that would make it easier for you, but there are none. We each grieve in our own ways and our own time. There are many "firsts" to get through. The first time I had to let myself into a dark house after work because he's not there -- and yes, I do look for him, and sometimes think I hear him in another room. The first birthday, anniversary, Christmas, etc. All I can tell you is to just keep getting up each day and doing as much as you can and cut yourself some slack and give yourself some time to grieve. The world won't fall apart if you just vegetate some days. In fact, I often wish the world would stop -- but it goes right on. It has only been five months since my husband's death, but in some ways the grieving is slowly getting a little better. There are bad days -- but now sometimes there are good days, too. We will all get through this, because we have no other choice. The only way to get to a better place is just to take one step at a time down this lonely road we never wanted to walk. We will never get over it, but it does get incorporated into our lives and a little less painful. Like you, I have an only child -- a daughter close to Natalie's age -- and I know what a blessing that is. Like Natalie was with her mother, my daughter was with her father every moment she could be after his diagnosis. We can be proud of raising such caring young women. If ever you wonder if what you are feeling is "normal" or friends try to tell you to "get over it", just have Natalie print out some of the posts from the grieving section of this forum. You'll realize you are not alone. Even better, have Natalie log on for you and you can scroll through and read the messages yourself. You may find out the computer isn't delicate or intimidating after all. But watch out -- it IS addicting. Wishing you more peace and less pain each day. Gloria

Totally agree with you Betplace. The most fun thing about this second site is to watch the face of someone who has been playing the game on the other site, when they hit this one and it keeps bouncing! Then you just go back to the other one and play on. Amazing how people think up this stuff and then have the knowledge to program it.

I scored 5,952 today; my co-worker scored over eleven thousand! Scroll down ... Try this link: http://www.korenwolf.net/pingu/rocket-up-the-arse.htmls Gloria

http://www.korenwolf.net/pingu/rocket-up-the-arse.html Souped up version of the same game. And yes, he does eventually stop. The most fun is to challenge a co-worker (spouse - whoever) who is playing with the other link and not tell them about this link. They probably won't notice that you've gone to another site and will wonder how you hit it so far. lol Have fun. Gloria

Very good -- and I think just the way we should talk to God. I'm sorry to hear about your breakup with your boyfriend. Hugs to you. Sometimes life just really sucks. Remember in the story it was good that she didn't get the dress that was too pale, because a more perfect one popped up on sale. Maybe this boyfriend was the "too pale" one and God has a special one who will truly deserve you waiting for you to find him "on clearance" when you are ready. (((Hugs, Laurie)))) Gloria

Gay - Hugs going out to you. You and Dean are special people. I told him in a pm that I especially look for his posts. His name is Dean Carl, and my husband's was Carl Dean. Not that common of a combination. I think they both are special men and probably would have enjoyed knowing each other. You have been dealt a very hard hand and yet have time and love to share with others. Don't be embarrassed to share your feelings. We all understand. Gloria

Oh, Natalie - I am so sorry. I've had you and your mom in my prayers so constantly. I've been worried that you didn't post on the 22nd to let us know if your Mom did get to have the gamma knife surgery. When we didn't hear anything, I was afraid that it was because her condition had worsened and you were understandably too busy for the Board or anything else. I'm glad you were with your Mom -- I know it was a huge comfort to her. You did everything you could possibly have done. Sometimes life just really does suck. If there's anything I can do for you, please let me know. Gloria

Shannon, and Shirley I'm right there with you, ladies. It's just overwhelming to try and see what life will bring down the road. I don't know who I am or who I want to be. 40 years as half of a couple, definitely leaves you lost when the other half is gone. When I'm at work, I wish to be home -- when I'm at home, I don't want to be there either. I spend a lot of time on the couch staring mindlessly at TV and wanting to pull the world in on top of me. Work helps some because I have to make an attempt to concentrate there, and I refuse to be a constant object of pity so I keep my thoughts to myself. This feels like a waiting game -- like if I'm good and wait long enough, life will go back to "normal". Having lost a son 15 years ago, I know for a fact that it will never "go back to normal" but must slowly develop into a new normal, but what our brains know and what our emotions feel are entirely two different things. Both of you, feel free to pm me if you just want to talk. Wish for peace for all of us.

Dean - yeah, what they all said! You can always bring a smile to my face. I couldn't help but notice that even directly after you'd told us about your depression, you were still posting encouragement to others. I'm SO glad the VA changed their minds and okayed your scooter. Can't wait to hear your description of your first ride on it! The blue funk gets all of us eventually. I had a five day weekend last week and spent four of those days mostly on the couch staring at the TV and wishing I could pull the world down on top of me and never get up. On the fifth day, though, it started to lighten and I was able to pull it together again. I'm not on anti-depressants now, but I've thought about them, and will go get them if I can't control the funks. I enjoyed Gay's post -- welcome, Gay -- you're a lucky man to have her and she's lucky to have you. You two just keep on doing what you do, and make those doctors rethink what they THINK they know about this disease. Gloria

Aww, Ginny, I'm sorry to hear that. It's so hard on both of you. I can see it from both your sides. I know you don't want him to make more misery for himself, and yet I can just imagine looking out at that fallen bird feeder and thinking "I can go get that." It's so hard to realize that we can't do everything we used to do. I know it gets me mad when I see a ceiling lightbulb that needs changed, or anything that requires a ladder. I've always been able to do that stuff, but now I have some vertigo and it makes me dizzy and I just have to stop or fall. It would be so much worse not to be able to go outside by myself. But, look, Earl, you've proven twice now that it's gonna cause you misery, so just wait for Ginny! There's ice on the ground in PA for gosh sake! sshhh -- don't tell Ginny, but I'm still proud of your spirit. The same determination that led you to go outside and that got you back into the garage is the determination that is helping you battle this monster disease -- just try and channel it a little more wisely. Oh, and Ginny -- I think it's nearly impossible to steal from a hospital. Everything they open or use for you gets billed to your insurance. I know you were joking about the "stealing" part. Some hospitals tell you to take everything with you when you're discharged -- throwup basins, water pitchers, toiletries, pee-bottles, anything they've brought you to use. I notice our hospital doesn't tell you that anymore, but if you start gathering the stuff up, they just smile and maybe help you and if you ask they say "sure that's all yours". Those handy packets of pre-moistened ultra-thick washcloths they use are real good things to bring home -- and if you don't take them, they'll throw away the opened package and open a new one for the next patient. Love and hope to both of you. Gloria

Oh, Shelley -- no, no, no, no, not again. There's nothing I can say that hasn't already been said. Just add me to the list of people who care about you and are praying for you and your Dad. Hugs and prayers going out to you now. Gloria

So funny, Lilly - I had a very similar experience. My daughter asked what I wanted for Christmas and one of the things I told her was a chair for the computer room. She bought one at Staples -- they would have assembled it for another $5, but then it wouldn't have fit in her car, and she couldn't have wrapped it, so she took it in the box. A few hours after we'd unwrapped all our presents, I took the pieces of the chair from the box and started to TRY and assemble it. Now, I've always helped my husband put this kind of stuff together and usually can make sense of it, but this chair wasn't making any sense. And forget about instructions in everything but English. This chair had NO written instructions. One sheet of paper with a diagram showing the chair parts and numbers for the order in which they were to go together and arrows to show what goes into what. The casters wouldn't stay on; the cylinder that lets the chair raise and lower wouldn't stay in; nothing was working and I was getting frustrated. Then I found on the paper a website address. Oh, goodie. Maybe FAQs! Ha, ha -- there were two FAQs. (l) How do I get the legs off the chair? (2) How do I get the cylinder off the chair. I laughed so hard because my question is how to get them ON the chair. Later on my daughter managed to get it together, but I came back in the room as she was finishing to discover a part that had rolled away behind an ottoman and got left off. It's a large plastic piece that I believe is only a dust cover for the cylinder that raises and lowers the chair. We thought about going back to the website because now those FAQs were relevant , but decided to just leave it, since everything seems to work without it. If I discover a problem, then I'll think about trying to reassemble it. Gloria

Katie and Rick- I'm thrilled for you! Your news made that little shiver of pleasure go through my heart and it takes a lot these days to do that. She is absolutely beautiful. Thinking of her with you makes me sit here grinning as I type this. I know the two of you must be wearing permanent ear-to-ear grins. It's wonderful how she came into your life with such beautiful timing. By the way, my first-born was a boy, with a girl to follow six years later, so I can identify, and it was fine. They were oh-so-close. She had quite a case of big brother worship and he was protective (that is, when he wasn't picking on her, of course!) Don't hold back on the pictures. They're sunshine for our souls. Gloria

Candy - I'm so sorry this had to come so soon after Hugh's death. There's nothing to tell you that you don't already know. You have already expressed what all parents know -- no matter what, our children come first. We can draw strength from them, but we must not usurp their lives. I'm proud of you that you're able to look at it realistically and know that we can't always have what we want most. But, oh my heart aches for you. I know how I'd feel if my daughter were to move away. Yes, they will always be there for us no matter the distance, and yes we want them to live their own lives, but oh, the loneliness. I just wish you'd had a little more time to adjust before the callup. Where will your son's wife live while he's gone? The two of you will share anxiety over him and I hope you can stay close. It's sad that your mother was never able to adjust and remained bitter through the rest of her life without your Dad. It cheated her of so many happy times. If you just want to rant, or cry, or whatever, feel free to PM me anytime. Gloria

Thanks for writing Lillian. I've experienced some similar feelings. Sometimes I look forward to being with others to distract me from the constant sadness, and sometimes it helps and other times just leaves me feeling like a fish out of water. We tend to want to hurry through the pain and get on to just feeling the good memories, but grief won't be rushed. And life will never again be as we once knew it. Perhaps next year you will be able to invite your niece to your house and do Christmas your way! I'm for eating early and snacking the rest of the day too. I know it wasn't the different eating schedule or the lack of a tree that left you feeling down. You hoped for good uplifting feelings being exchanged on Christmas day and your niece's disappointing experiences and low morale managed to transfer somewhat to you. I am so encouraged by the mood you express now as contrasted to the bitter hurt and anger you were expressing a few months ago. I'm so glad you've found the courage and strength to begin finding a place for yourself in life. The courage of everybody on this forum helps me to look toward a time when the pain will subside and the peace will grow. I can so identify with everything said by all those here who have lost a spouse or other loved one. We have so many changes to make in our lives. Wishing for a growing peace for all of us in the New year. Gloria

Bettina -- Oh, I ache for you. I know some of what you must be feeling. I lost my husband just 3 months ago, and it is still extremely painful. I have to keep my daughter's face firmly in mind and remind myself how painful her Dad's death was to her and that she would suffer similarly if something were to take me from her too. It must be magnified many times for you without someone to keep you hopeful. My job seems unimportant to me now, but it does pass the time and keeps me interacting with people, rather than sitting at home brooding amongst the bittersweet memories. Yes, the wondering of how long do I have on earth to be without him and why has occurred to me too. Truth is, none of us know whether we will live a long time or short. And I agree with others that our loved ones would most certainly want us to go on and be as happy as possible. For now, happy is probably next to impossible for you, but I believe in time you'll find some measure of peace. Thinking of you and wishing you the best. Gloria