glo

Oh, Shellie ~ I am just so, so sorry. Shirleyb, KatieB and the others have said what I'm feeling far better than I could say it. You are in my prayers. Your parents are so proud of you. Gloria

Shellie - I'm so, so, sad for you. I agree with Cat -- sometimes people do seem to need to hear that it's ok to let go and that you will be ok. You probably have already said that to him. Wish I could be of more comfort. Love and prayers to you and your family. Gloria

I agree with everyone who says do not turn it off. Doctors can be wrong. To me the thing is that the patient is smiling and holding your hand. If a patient can make his wishes known in any way, this should be his choice. Only in a total lack of response should someone answer for them. My husband chose treatment with the ventilator but specified temporarily only and if his condition worsened to turn it off, and the doctors honored that request when after 48 hours he was totally unresponsive and vital signs nearly nonexistent. If I didn't know for certain the patient's feelings about life support, I would keep him on it until he improves or stops responding. If he appears puzzled as to what's going on, I'd keep giving him every chance. Just my opinion. I hope this helps. Gloria

Back to the top. Prayers and good wishes for MO!

Also, anybody heard from Candy lately?

Elaine - It's a good post. I think one of the reasons we all get addicted to this board is because we can express those feelings that we spend so much time protecting our loved ones from. Sure everybody on here cares and feels our pain, but they aren't looking into your face while you sob it out. DaveS - About those practical matters of bill paying, financial status, etc. -- yes, that's important. What may be helpful is just to organize a little more now. Some of my friends and I were discussing the fact that our children don't want to talk about life insurance, and things like that. We've come to the conclusion that the best thing to do is to put together all the important papers in a binder or folder -- maybe more than one and then simply tell them "in case of emergency all the important papers and household info is in the top drawer of my desk" or wherever you decide to put them. I have started a document that lists all the monthly bills and I enter dates I pay them and the amount. Of course I don't actually keep this up every month, cause I'm not that naturally organized, but I did print the page and put it in a binder - even a few months entries are enough of a clue as when to expect what bills. At the bottom I listed those things that are only paid once or twice a year. I also put in other household info -- like the receipts for any household repairs that have been made recently, bank account statements, other on-going expenses and receipts. I'm working on another binder for info like birth certificates, marriage certificates, death certificates, social security numbers, deed to the house, car title, life insurance policies etc., etc., The beauty of this is that it's so helpful right now and makes me feel that if I become incapacitated or Snowflake's infamous beer truck gets me, I will have made it easier for my daughter and in the event we should go together in an accident, whoever ends up dealing with the mess will have something to go by. If you don't get around to any of this, I wouldn't worry over much. My husband paid all the bills, but his system was easy to follow and everything else I need can only be hiding in one of three different drawers. I've actually found everything I needed so far without much digging. Just limit the number of spots where paperwork accumulates and it'll all be ok. It would be nice, though, to know what the holy heck all these keys all over the house go to! That's a project for me one of these days -- go around trying them in all the locks I can find and mark those I can identify and put the rest in some container -- can't throw them away because as soon as you do, you find out what it unlocks and of course that item is locked! Gloria

Hi, Nat - Like Curtis said, everybody does it differently, but I understand your concern about your dad. I do think it would be really good for him to go back to work. I think that's the biggest thing that is keeping me at least semi-sane. What line of work was he in? And did he retire? I understand he may have quit when your mother was so sick, but if he has a job he can go back to, that would probably be the fastest thing to get him functioning again. If he has to look for a new job, that will probably be more daunting for him. For one thing, in applying for jobs etc. you have to write down or check that dreaded word "widow" or "widower" and are sometimes asked about your family. I don't have to tell you how hard it is to say "my mom is dead" or "my wife is dead". I just went for a get-acquainted visit with a new doctor and it felt so strange not to put my husband down as the emergency contact. By the time the doctor came in to see me, as soon as she asked me to tell her about myself I broke out in tears. She was very good -- just told me that grief is normal and asked if I'm able to eat and to sleep and if I'm weeping all the time and cautioned me that if I'm feeling sad all the time when I pass the one year point, to please come in and ask for something to help. She was easy to talk to, and I think I'll like her as a doctor, but just that incident put me into the despair mode again. It's been a couple hours and I think I'm working back out of it. A doctor visit could be an avenue to pursue, Natalie. Does your dad have a doctor? If he does and is due for a yearly checkup, he might take suggestions from the doctor about medications or counseling. You might have to call the office and clue them in to ask him about change in marital status etc. to get him talking. And if he doesn't have a doctor, you might ask him to get established with one in order to get some baseline information in his file for comparison purposes in case of future illness. Just a thought - may not apply. Cathy expressed guilt feelings also about needing some time away from her mother -- I'm sure both of you do need some time just for yourselves -- you can't work through the grief when you're always holding back so as not to add to someone else's burden. I don't really know anything to suggest. The family counseling sounds good IF he is ready for it. I know, Nat, that you went with him to a couple grief support sessions. If my daughter said she thought we/I needed counseling, I would go, but it's not something I'm gonna do on my own. Like Curtis, sometimes I just want everybody to leave me alone. One thing I do know -- each thing I face alone gets easier after I've done it for a while. I no longer dread unlocking the door each night when I come home from work. Just try and gradually reclaim your life. If you do it in a matter of fact way, I think your dad will accept it. He may still do things that worry you, like staying up late and sleeping late, but in the end, he has to be responsible for himself and your mother would want you to help him, but she'd know you can't do it for him. Is he receptive to running errands for you and things like that? My husband loved to help our daughter out and she often called him to take her car to the shop, or change her oil, or pick her up at work if she had to work late and her car was parked far away. Funny how you can put off all kinds of chores for yourself, but not hesitate to do them for others. I think we all like to be needed. Sorry I can't be of more help. Feel free to PM me if you want to talk more. Gloria

Oh, Shellie - I'm SO sorry you have to be going through all this. All the others have brought up things to think about it -- and yes, above all, please know that you have nothing to be criticized for. Your love and caring just shine through all your posts. I've been in touch with my sister-in-law this week and her husband was taken to ER last weekend. They at first thought he had a stroke, then that it was "only" pneumonia, then maybe a heart attack, but the reason I mention it is because she has been so concerned with his attitude! He has been LIVID with anger and had to be restrained and trying to remove the cathether, IV, anything else they had on him. His anger is all directed at the hospital and their personnel and the family has been able to calm him down somewhat, but they've had to be called in in the middle of the night and he thinks there is a conspiracy against him, and he was determined to go home, and it was so hard for the family to watch. His wife told them to give him more anxiety meds and when they said they couldn't do that because it might kill him, she was so desparate that she replied "at least he'll go peacefully and not miserably in a rage like this." I'm not sure what they finally did -- I know they were of course running the inevitable barrage of tests -- but apparently something has helped because another sister-in-law told me today that they've been able to remove the restraints and he seems like himself -- even walking down the halls with them and making sense when he talks. So, hang in there, girl. You know that isn't your father talking, but just his condition. He would never deliberately hurt you, or scare his grandkids. I'm hoping and praying that by the time you read this he will be back to himself and you will have once again mustered up that incredible well of inner strength you have shown for so long. Hugs and prayers, Shellie. Gloria

Shirley - Thanks for the post. It helps me to reinforce what I have to make myself do also. We went through so much the same things. Feel free to PM me on those down days -- or up ones -- if you ever just want to talk. Cathy - I sent you a PM with my thoughts from a mom's perspective. Enjoy the holday, everyone. Gloria

Ah, thanks, Snowflake. Yep, gotta admit -- I remember almost all of those! Gloria

Chiming in to add my prayers and best wishes, Mo. Hugs Gloria

Shellie - Many, many prayers and hugs going out to you! Gloria

Oh, those are just too, too funny. Keep on finding these for us. I love the humor you post and the tremendous common sense you address life with. Gloria

Nice to have you back, Laurie. You'd better talk to Ry about skipping out without a hall pass. Maybe you can talk her out of most of the penalty -- otherwise it's pay up or she sends someone to TP your house. lol Gloria

My gosh, Shellie - You and your family just can't seem to catch a break. You must be ssooo tired of hospitals! Sure hoping for a good recovery from this for your Dad. Oh, how scary. My husband was a contractor, and loved wood working. I still have a garage full of saws and other power tools. I've unplugged all of them now, so we won't have anybody turn them on accidentally. My husband would definitely, beyond doubt, have done the same as your Dad did. If somebody he loves wants it, by gosh, he can build it. And buying one is just not the same to them. It's an unfortunate accident, but it comes from trying to live life as normally as possible, and that is, after all, what we want for them. The accident may very well have happened regardless of what kind of health he was in, but I know it makes your concern that much more because of his compromised immune system. ((((Shellie and Shellie's Dad)))) and prayers for a quick recovery. Gloria

Ginny - I'm linking arms with all those who have already posted to encircle you with our love and best wishes. Wish some of us could be there physically for you. (((((Ginny and Earl)))) Gloria

Checking in too, to say "yes, I know -- I'm still there too." I think we all feel every single thing any of us has posted -- just not all the same feelings on the same days. All we can do is wait it out -- and cling to each other. And Shellie -- Young lady -- it's a good thing you pulled those pants up. What were thinking mooning us like that this morning? No wonder you're blushing now! Just kidding, Shellie - I love all your avatars. I think you are the most incredible young lady. You've been bearing up under so much yet you still find time to encourage (and entertain) everyone on this board. (((hugs to all of you))) Gloria

Thinking of you too, Dean. Let us know how you are. Gloria

Ginny - I always look forward to the next chapter of The Duke of Earl. Please never apologize for a long post. You're very right that the people on this board understand trials and tribulations -- whether our own or those of people we love -- better than most families do. I'm glad that Earl's doctor is optimistic and I'm praying this new medicine really helps. By the way, I LOVE your latest picture. The love shines through from both of you. Gloria

T-Bone - Adding my good wishes to all the others. And I totally agree with Becky about the awesomely eloquent picture of you and TeeTaa's little girl. Hugs, Gloria

Lily, So glad to see your post. I had noticed you weren't posting much recently. I started to ask if anyone had heard from you, but at that same moment noticed your name as "browsing this forum" so realized you were still around and decided to not intrude on your privacy, knowing you'd be back when you're ready. I don't have to be told what those down trips are like. And we have to climb back at our own speed. And boy do you sound ready. You go, girl. Enjoy your trip. Gloria

Shirley - You and I must have been posting at the same time. And we said so many of the same things. We're all thinking of you, Peg and indeed you are not losing it. Unfortunately those are all normal feelings that we have to work through. Gloria

Dear, Dear Peg - How do you do this? Well, only because How do you NOT do this? There is no choice. No matter how much we scream, cry, rant, rave, cover up with the blankets, try to work till we drop, exercise, overeat, undereat, talk about it, don't talk about it, walk the floor -- we're still doing it -- we're living, whether we think we want to or not. We can only trudge through day by day -- all of us who have lost spouses know how HUGE this process is. Like Norme's Buddy, my Chuck was my security as well as my love. For 40 years I had the warm, secure feeling of knowing that he would go to any lengths to protect and comfort me, and our daughter. That feeling has been cut from under my feet. The world has become a scarier place because it really is like losing half of yourself. You will find some days when you can breathe again, when life holds some interest again, when you feel a little confidence come back; but you'll also fall back into that deep, dark abyss where the tears come rolling down your face and you can do nothing but sob and feel afraid and sick to your stomach. And for me, I never know when it will hit again, BUT I don't want to burden others or have them feel sorry for me, so I can usually control it except when I'm by myself. So there is value in doing things with people who love you or people you enjoy, or going to work. Anything you have to concentrate on -- still there are times when nothing helps. I spent an enjoyable Mother's Day weekend on a trip with my daughter, but still found myself on the return flight home having to turn my face into that little pillow to disguise as much as I could of the tears flowing down my face because my mind had gone back again into the traumatic days and weeks after diagnosis. Other passengers probably thought I was deathly afraid of flying. I can tell you that here at the 8 month period, I have fewer of those desperate, "I can't do this" days than I did at the beginning. Other than that, dear Peg, just keep on hanging on. One foot in front of the other. If you have days when you just have to write or tell someone what you're feeling, please feel free to PM me. I understand. I know what you're going through. We all care for you here. I know it isn't the same as the love of your husband, but we are like a family. When you hurt, we hurt. Someway, somehow we will learn to live with it. ((( Peg))) Wishing you some tiny measure of peace. Gloria

I am so, so sorry for your loss. Gloria

I also do not feel my husband with me or around me. I'd like to, but I don't and like some others here, I have to keep looking at his picture because I seldom can keep his face in my mind. Perhaps some would say we're blocking -- both pain and signs -- and maybe they are right. But if so, I wish I could block the pain as well as I do the signs. He is ever present in my thoughts and I think of what he'd want me to do, but for the most part, life is just an unreal world that I move through, just getting by one day at a time. I can function and even have some happy moments only because most of time I'm blocking the reality of his being gone. When I let it through, it's too devastating. I think in time, the reality will come through the blocking more often and hopefully each time the pain will be a little less, because the body and mind does become acclimated and adjusted to almost anything -- just seems to take one heck of a long time. I know we will all get through this -- we just don't all walk at the same speed -- but I do believe it's easier knowing we have friends on this same path -- those ahead to reach out a hand and pull us along -- and those behind who we wait by the side of the road until they catch up so that we may help with a hug or a shoulder to lean on. Kris, Katie and I lost our loved ones about the same time and we seem to be in about the same spot on this path -- just take a few quick steps to catch up and we can all walk arm in arm. Oh, yeah -- I don't know how the contestants on Jeopardy and Wheel of Fortune can ever win anything now, without Chuck literally shouting out the answers to them! I used to come running to see if he was calling me, and then we'd both laugh when I'd realize he was just talking back to the TV again. Hang in there, Kris. It's really rough, but you're doing ok. Gloria