glo

1. Great friends and neighbors, especially the two young men across the street who carried my old sofa and loveseat out to the driveway and then went and found somebody who wanted them! Yay -- problem solved in five minutes. 2. Freshly shampooed carpet and freshly washed drapes and windows in the living room. 3. New sofa and loveseat arriving in about six hours 4. New digital cable service and DVR (like TIVO) -- woo, it rocks! User friendly for old ladies like me, too. 5. Healthy enough to do my spring cleaning.

She's adorable. And growing so fast.

Shellie - Everyone has given you good answers to your questions. I agree with it all, and I can also say "yes, you will feel joy again." It does happen with or without your wanting it. You just plow on and someday -- a long time from now -- you will realize that without even noticing it, your focus has gradually turned to the life you are now living and not such constant yearning for what was. My son died in 1989, and I can't even begin to tell you when I finally realized that his birthday just brings a smile and no pain or when the anniversary of his death started slipping by unnoticed, but it did happen. The process was verrrryyy slow and gradual and of course it's now back somewhat because it's tied up with my husband's death 17 months ago. As to whether or not you should stop anti-depressants, I don't know an answer for that, but I do think that whenever you take that step, you should expect some sort of side effects of the withdrawal. You may just need to give the body a chance to adjust. I didn't take anti-depressants, but I was on Xanax for anxiety at first and had some hard days when I weaned myself off it, but I was realizing that even though it got me through the day and allowed me to talk calmly to people, it also gave me a false sense that everything was ok, and so the importance of things didn't register and I lived in an unreal world. Everybody reacts differently and I believe in meds when they're needed -- just discuss it with your doctor and let him/her help make the decision. Curtis, what a great post. I'm sure Becky did see all that was good in you more clearly than you ever did yourself, and probably a part of why you didn't demonstrate some of those things as much before was because Becky was doing it and you were standing back allowing her to shine in those areas. Now, you've stepped up to fill the need. Shellie, you've had way more than your share of sorrow. Try and be kind to yourself and just allow yourself to feel what you feel.

Thanks for the stages of grief you posted. I have read other versions of them before, but this detailed one fits me to a T. It's been 17 months since my husband died. Right now, I'd say I float back and forth through 3 to 6 -- still in the forgetting things and not finishing things of stage 3, but no longer in the physical part. I think the stages are not always exactly in that order. I don't visit the guilt stage much anymore. I feel like I'm mostly in stage 6 -- have a really hard time concentrating at work. Start something, then abandon it, am almost surprised when I pick it up again to see I didn't finish it. Don't want to take on anything new. I'm lucky that my job has been quite slow -- it's now starting to pick up again -- and my bosses are very understanding -- plus I'm eligible to retire anytime I want -- just hanging on for more money -- heehee -- don't we all want the maximum we can get. Also the structure of having to continue getting up each morning and going to something that hasn't changed is good for me right now. The stages really do happen -- just not in the same timeframe for everybody, and it really does get incorporated into your life in a less painful way over time. I lost my 21-year-old son to an accident in 1989, and felt like the pain would never stop, but over a period of many years, it gradually turned to acceptance. You don't get over it; just gradually absorb it. Like everyone else says, it helps to realize we're not alone, and haven't really gone crazy. We're just grieving. Hugs to all.

Ok, I was already thinking about coming, 'cause it's supposed to rain here all weekend long, but when Snowflake said we can wear our grubbies, and now Andrea's bringing fudge, that does it! I'm all over it! I'll be there.

Hi, Margaret - Just wanted to say "I'm here -- sitting around in the strange" with all of you. Unique and very appropriate way to put it. Thanks for the description. Yes, most days it is a little less strange now, but it comes back strong sometimes. I really relate to having to decide what to keep and what to change -- no longer buying the same food, etc. Like Ginny, I too can usually sleep -- for which I'm very grateful. I probably sleep too much because it's a safe hiding place. I don't go to bed early, but doze on the couch watching TV later than I ever used to do. Then fall into bed and sleep soundly -- most nights. And like Cyndi, I need to plan my weekends or I will drift aimlessly through the house from TV to computer to TV to snacking just waiting for bedtime and oblivion. Sending you prayers and good vibes, all.

Beth, I just want to tell you how brave I think you are. As a mother who watched and nursed a grown daughter through a severe reaction to Penicillin, and saw all the things her system went through afterward, I think you're incredibly brave to try any drugs, knowing how many bad reactions you've had! You're placing a lot of confidence in your doctors to be able to reverse any reactions. And they're coming through for you! Yay! My daughter tried one replacement for the Penicillin; reacted mildly to that, and now refuses any antibiotics and any other meds that she can possibly do without. Having your throat close on you is no small matter! Not to mention all the other reactions you've had. Of course I know you have to choose from a small number of options, and I can see that going down without a fight isn't in your makeup. You're doing everything you can to fight this disease and raise your kids, and I for one am very proud of you. Your sense of humor always brings me a smille. As for the PMer, you now know the name. If you get another PM, I'd open one to read the apology that I'm sure hoping they will send you -- if the first words aren't "I'm sorry", hit the delete key and use it anytime that name shows again in your PM box! Regardless what they intended, they hurt you and you don't need anymore of that. (((Hugs))) Beth. Keep on fighting!

Wet here in Sacramento, too. Not so windy today though. Supposed to still have more rain -- we've been lucky. A few big trees down in the midtown section; several people had cars or rooms of their houses smashed but don't think anybody was hurt. Pretty good today, though, just a couple light rains and hardly any wind.

It is really hard, Cindy - But as you do it longer, it will get easier -- not the grief and pain part, but you'll get over some of the triggers. At first, I REALLY hated putting my key in the door and opening it to an empty house after work, but now after 15 months, it has become just another part of routine and hardly noticed. I'm not sure at what point I stopped dreading it -- it just gradually happened. And yes, all those calls are hard to make. Sometimes you can just calmly talk about it and handle it all just fine -- other times the lump comes up in your throat, your voice shakes and you can barely talk. That gets easier too, but once in a while it will still happen to me. By the way, not everything is a legal requirement. My phone, utilities, deed to the house, some other things are still in my husband's name or both our names. As I have to call for service or to straighten out billing errors, etc. then I'll make the name change too. Otherwise, I won't bother. My sister-in-law still has her husband's name on their phone and utilities after 10 years. I remember the first day totally alone in the house. That too does get easier, and sometimes it's what I want. Like you said, you can't cry the way you need to when somebody else is there. Feel free to PM me anytime. Quite a few of us on the board know just what you're feeling because we've been there or are still there. Keep on keepin' on -- there's no other choice. And we're all here to help.

Well said, Natalie. Karen, I too have not posted much for a long time. I do read and keep up with the people on the board who have become so familiar to me. But I find that right now, I don't have the emotional energy to read the newcomer posts and answer with encouragement and hope for them. I feel a little guilty about that because so many people helped me and gave me moral support when I came to the board and was desperate for information. At this point in time, I need to focus more on the "new normal" of my life and less on cancer. I send positive thoughts and prayers everyday for every person on this board, and in the future perhaps I'll have more to say. I too regret the loss of Dr. Joe on the board. I was in awe when I saw that a doctor would give so much of his time and be so open in answering all questions, tough or not. Most doctors are so cautious that they barely give info to their own patients, let alone people who aren't even paying them for it. I wish you well, Dr. Joe.

Wow, Betty, thanks! How can you not laugh at that? I'm still grinning. It's the first thing that's made me smile in days. Merry Christmas to you too.

I hear you Ginny. 15 months for me and I'm still doing it. My family and friends would mostly say I'm doing well, too, but like you they just don't see all the times I'm in deep despair. Guess that's as it has to be, and kinda falls under the "fake it till you make it" philosophy. We pretend to others to be alright, and someday we really will be. But it will take a long time. I'm sure of that. I guess I was still more numb than I thought last year, because the holidays didn't really feel as bad as I was afraid they would. I'm actually slipping into the deep, dark abyss much more this year. Tuesday, the 21st would have been our 41st wedding anniversary, in addition to the other holidays. I find myself avoiding a lot of the festivities this year, like my office party and I haven't put up any decorations at work. I've decided to indulge my inclination to curl up on the couch with movies, books, blankets, etc. until after the holidays -- not totally of course -- I do still have to go to work. Maybe indulging the loner instinct will revive my spirit a little. I am still getting enjoyment from shopping for my grown daughter, and I do have a tree and decorations at home and I'm looking forward to spending Christmas with her -- just avoiding anything that would be only to fulfill what others think I should do, if it doesn't actually give me pleasure. The grief does subside just a wee little bit each month, so by next Christmas hopefully we will all be more in the mood to enjoy the festivities. Yes, Ginny, it feels like I'm waiting for my husband to come back too. It feels like I live like I always have, but in a holding pattern -- some part of my brain is fixated on "when Chuck gets back". I guess we just have to acknowledge that there are millions of tears yet to shed before reality is accepted. Hang in there, Ginny, and felt free to pm me any time. Curtis, you silly, you made me smile. You know very well that Ginny wasn't referring to the month of May.

So happy for all your blessings, Ry! Kids can be so super cool.

Oh, my gosh! That's sooo funny! Yeah, we shoulda known it.

Old enough that any one of those actions brings on the other three.

I love it, Joni! You go, girl! I understand EXACTLY how that feels. It's empowering! My husband was a general contractor and he did everything around the house. Could have built a house if he wanted to. I'm not used to having to take off work and wait for some repairman, let alone knowing which ones aren't trying to rip you off. I've managed to fix quite a few things at the house over this past year. And every time it feels so good. Not so much because of saving money, but more because it's avoiding the dependency on others. I did just have my gutters cleaned by someone else -- but only because a friend of my daughter is trying to get his gutter cleaning business off the ground. And he traded the charge to her because he had borrowed her car in the past. I did pay a guy to come out and repair the deadbolt lock on the front door because that's a safety issue and I knew what it involved, (chiseling out the hole for the strike plate a little bigger and moving it up or down a little). He was competent and his price was fair -- but his attitude made me want to chew nails. He kept calling me "little lady" and lecturing me on stuff I already knew. Ugh. Then he ran his hand across the top of the door and said "just as I thought -- it's never been painted -- moisture can get in there and make the door swell." My response: "Oh, it's been painted -- many times. I'm not tall enough to see or reach up there, so I well remember each time I've gotten out the ladder to paint that door myself." I've always liked to paint. Hang in there, Joni -- there are lots of things you don't know you can do, because you haven't had reason to try it. And guys, we're not male bashing. The same thing would apply to any woman who treated people with that condescending attitude. Joni didn't mention this part -- evidently she just hates to be told she can't do something. Which I also understand. Joni, you sound so much more together and way less desparate than you did right after Robert's death. I know it's still awfully hard and know you probably fall back in the pit of despair regularly, but just wanted you to know that I'm very proud of your progress. We'll all make it -- it just takes a lot of time.

Prayers on the way, TeeTaa What a great kid! He'll obviously do well whatever the result, but we all want the best for him. I have a 23-year old niece that deer hunts with her dad, in Maryland. She has shot a deer every year since she was 11! So I know how much they love that hunting! However, I suspect that with my niece it's more of a bonding thing with her dad. Always good too. Caleb has already demonstrated a huge degree of adaptation -- way to go, Caleb! And I agree with Nancy. All the kids in your extended family are beautiful!

I am so sorry, Angie. Please accept my condolences. May peace be with you.

Prayers going out to both of you and your family right now. So sorry that David is having such a rough time. I hope the Iressa will make all the difference.

Ginny, enjoy! I know it will be great and help tremendously with the healing. My husband died a year ago Sept. 1 and at the beginning of April, ALL 4 of my sisters surprised me by flying out from Maryland and stayed 9 days. It wasn't a surprise visit -- I was just surprised that they could all get away at the same time. It was a wonderful time -- we told old childhood stories, some of which the two youngest were hearing for the first time -- and we just ate whatever we wanted, whenever we wanted, shopped, and talked, talked, talked. Have fun!

I'm SO happy for you Joanie. Best wishes for many, many more anniversaries.

Denise - you have my sincerest condolences. It is such a very, very hard thing to bear. Andrea- thank you for telling us.

Oh, Joanie - I am THRILLED for you. This is great news!

Denise - My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. I know how hard it is. Thanks for letting us know, Natalie.