Z_Pacific

Hi Dean, Congratulations and I hope you had a great evening – you deserve it and so does Gay. As I am always late in responding but here’s something you might consider for your next date: Give her two red roses, each with a note. The first note says "For the woman I love" and the second, "For my best friend." It sounds to me like you guys have both parts that make a truly great relationship. God Bless, Howard

Dear Phyliss, Denial, Anger and finally Acceptance are parts of a grieving process we go through. If you are feeling angry it’s good because if you are feeling you are fighting. We move from one to another and back again as we fight our common adversary. All I can say is God Bless. Howard

Hi Elaine, My walk on the path less traveled is governed by a number of factors. The one foremost is the lack of any really sophisticated medical resources here in Guam. If I had opted for Chemo in Nov. I would be stuck high and dry as the only onc closed up shop and went to Hawaii. Now to get Chemo or Radiation we would have to go to Manila or Hawaii. Based upon the advanced nature of the cancer when it was first found in March of last year and how good I was feeling I decided not to compromise my current state and get the most out of the time that I have. The result of this is that I have been able to enjoy almost a year of really good quality life with admitted a few down turns. Leaving Guam for treatment is not an option for me personally as I am unwilling to be apart from my family or bankrupt them with off island treatment. The decisions we make are complex and far reaching. I question my decision each day and come away with the resolve that it is best path for me to take. I do not profess that it is the right path for anyone else as to walk. Each of us must make that decision for themselves. The irony is that we make such a personal decision that affects so many around us. As I said the decision is complex and far reaching. Thanks for the update on how things are going with you and God Bless. Howard

Hi Dean As each one of us deals with our common adversary in our very own personal way – your words serve as guide posts helping navigate the troubled waters that we sail. God Bless, Howard

Hi David, Same thing happens to me. It kind of builds up. After having a few bad days things seem to clear up and will have a couple of really good days = good energy, little pain and great attitude about feeling so good. Then BAM!!!! I know in the morning that the good days are over, not being able to shake the morning aches and pains that elevate as the day goes on. End up sleeping most of the day. You are right to savor and be thankful for the good days. Each morning I look up into the sky and thank God for giving me this day. Good or Bad I will take it and be thankful for it. Good Bless and Keep the Faith, Howard

Hang in there Dean, For one who does not see the doctor very often I am the last person who should offer any advice except go for the pain meds when you need them. My doc says that the last thing I need to worry about now is getting addicted to anything. Not knowing what evil webs the beast is weaving I the last thing I need to deal with is pain. I am currently taking Percoset, Morphine and a 3-day patch (good for taking away morning pain). Once the pain is under control I can try and deal with the other challenges each day brings. As you have said, taking the road less traveled requires an attitude that the beast will not conquer me. While each set back we encounter hits us physically we must fight on mentally. Our only weapon is our attitude, faith and commitment to living each day as best we can, with what we have. God Bless, Howard

Cheryl. I passed the one-year mark stage IV in March and thank God for each day he gives me. Your post was a true inspiration for all of us who fight this beast in our own way. God Bless, Howard

Hi Elaine, I have been having a little vision problem lately that has taken some adjustment on my part. The muscle that moves my left eye horizontally is not working correctly causing extreme double vision. I have seen an eye doc and we are experimenting with eye patch and magnification for right eye. Tried to see if we could get the left eye in tune by shading part of my glasses but had to give up as the left eye just keeps getting worse. Up to yesterday had a lot of trouble reading or writing, so I have not been using the computer. On the bright side of things still have one working and with a little more fine-tuning should be able to adjust. Thanks for your concern and enough about me – let me know how you are doing? God Bless, Howard

Greetings from Guam, I would like to thank all of you for the kind words. The beast seems to come and go with each visit a little more intense. Have been feeling good for the past week and am preparing for its next attack. Keeping weight on has been a challenge but I found that drinking dietary supplements like Ensure has helped stabilized my weight. Stabilizing the emotional side is another matter. I think we all go through depression to one degree or another and sometimes it is very difficult to pull one’s self out of it. To keep this beast a bay each morning I sit outside and while I enjoy a little java I thank God for giving me another day. It does not matter how I feel physically, at least I am around to feel something. This web site is another pillar supporting the emotional fight. There is no way to express how important it has been for me being able to share what is happening all of you who are engaged in the same battle. God Bless all of you and thank you again for your caring. Howard

Hi Elaine, Thanks for your concern. I have not been real active on the site for the past two weeks. Apparently the cancer is on the move with my docs speculating that it has spread into the liver and or kidney. Consequently have had to adjust to a new level of pain management along with some weigh loss and fatigue. As I said in another post today to Tbone after having an x-ray and sonogram my doc said that the only person left for me to see was my priest to get my spiritual life in order. In spite of everything I still feel truly blessed to have been able to spend the quality time I have had with my family. Pain management is the only treatment I am taking and while it zonks me by nightfall, it also permits me to do so many things with my family. It is the little things that one might tend to miss that seem to count most. I hope that all of you are doing well and please know you are in my prayers. God Bless, Howard

Hi Mo, Hope you are feeling better and will be able to get out and get that new addition to your family. We adopted a puppy (Max) from our local humane society and gave it to our 7-year-old son for his birthday in September. Our here in Guam we have a totally unique canine species named “boonie dogs.” They are a mix of just about every breed you can imagine and come in all shapes and sizes. We were told by the folks at the society that Max was a “low rider” meaning an elongated body on short stumpy legs. He has a huge head and tail that is half as long as his body. This strange creature has endeared himself to our family and is a wonderful companion for our son. God Bless, Howard

Hi Rochelle, My prayers will be with David during this holy week. God Bless, Howard

I was experiencing heavy sweating for no apparent reason for about 2 months. It has dropped off considerable in the past few weeks. Am not taking any medication except for pain. Just like Cindy occurred mostly from the head. My doc thought that is was from hormone imbalances caused by the tumors. God Bless, Howard

Will Say a special prayer for you at Mass tomorrow. God Bless, Howard

Dean, Oh So True! God Bless, Howard

Dear Stephanie, Your mom was a true inspiration for many of us and the news of her passing brings this to mind: “What we have done for ourselves alone dies with us; what we have done for others and the world remains and is immortal." -Albert Pike Her spirit will live on in all of those that she has touched. God Bless, Howard

Hi Dean, From your photo I knew you were a poet Your feet show it - because they are Longfellows! God Bless, Howard

Greetings from Guam, I was just wondering if anyone has heard from TBone? Howard

HI Grumpy-One-Lung, I am right in there with you, except I have not opted for any treatment since the cancer was dx one year ago this month. Have a few side effects but nothing that can’t be treated with some pain meds and positive attitude. As I am sure all of us will agree that your attitude dictates a great deal on how your body is feeling. You can feel really bad, (which I do many mornings) but if you get your head in the right place it seems that the body tries and follow. Hang in there and my God Bless, Howard

Hi Peg, God Bless you and Bill. While it may be hard to imagine in your suffering, God is giving you a gift A gift that only one who suffers so much with a person they love so much can know. A gift whose very essence is founded in the pain you share. As if fueled by the pain your love for each other deepens into a dimension that only thoes who have shared such pain can feel. My prayers are with you, Howard

Hi Elaine & Dean, Thanks for the words or encouragement and condolences. I know that my last postings reflected my recent case of frustration, anger and passive acceptance – feelings that haunt us all. As you Dean has so often said we can’t let this disease conquer us. To fight we must focus on the positive things we have going for us and draw our strength from that. As I have found lately, this is easier said than done. I allowed myself to fall in to the grasp of depression and self-pity and am still fighting to pull away. Staying involved is the key. No matter what it is we are doing or are capable of doing, we must stay involved cultivating the positive forces in our lives. Did you ever hear the stupid reporter joke where he asks; “Well besides that Mrs. Kennedy, how did you like Dallas?” Given this preverbal inference here, we have to be able to answer to: “Well beside the cancer that is killing you how are things going?” It’s the “how are things going” part that’s important. We have to be sure that things are going JUST FINE - that we are getting the most out of each breath that we take. The first part is a given – the second part we can control and is the key to fighting back. God Bless, Howard

Greetings from Guam, Just wanted to let you know that there are not alone in not seeking treatment. My decision was hard on my family at first but they came around. I believe very strongly in having a good quality of life while I can and not prolong it with treatments whose side effects may jeopardize the time that I have left. It is a hard decision and one that I often question but always come up with the same answer that for me this is the right thing to do. Your family must realize that this is your decision and yours alone. They will come around. God Bless, Howard

Greetings from Guam, I just wanted to thank all of you who responded to my posting. I am beginning to realize how our common adversary cancer uses a myriad of tools to weave its evil webs. One of its most subtle is the self-pity that grows out of the frustrations, pain and suffering cancer uses to destroy us. Of recent I have allowed myself succumb to the intoxication of self-pity, wallowing in its seductive grasp. Self-pity clouds ones judgment and perspective taking the focus away from fighting and savoring each moment that God gives us. My wife said she is going to give me a swift kick in the ________ if I continue my affair with self-pity and ask each of you to do the same. God Bless, Howard

Hi Dean, The forum is a great idea. As we have discussed in the past some of us are on a Path Less Traveled and need to share our feeling, fears and frustrations with each other. Our path does not have the immediate input that doctors can give on how and where the cancer is spreading. We must wait, stop and feel constantly asking if this new pain or ache the cancer weaving its evil webs. The only contact I have with my doc is a telephone call once a month. She asks a few questions, checks up on the meds and offers any help she can give. We have talked about having a CT scan to see how or where things are going, but I feel it does not really matter. It is going to do what it is going to do physically and I am not going to let it overcome me emotionally or spiritually. There are not a lot of treatment options for me. First the cancer was discovered in a very late stage and had spread causing two large tumors. Second our only chemo provider here in Guam had financial problems and closed this week referring patients to Hawaii or Manila for treatment I would have been right in the middle of the second or third cycle the onc talked about and sure would have been bummed out to lose the provider after going through all that. When reading the other forums I am hesitant to comment on people’s postings, since I have no idea what they are going through in treatment. I respect the pain and anguish they feel and admire them for fighting as hard as they are. It makes me hope and pray that when my cancer hits with its full force that I will pass quickly. I have placed a terrible burden on my family in refusing hospital or any life support. My dear wife is the one who is going to have to deal with my passing at home and the specter of this looms over our lives together. I cherish her support along with the rest of the family. Now it is just a waiting game. If someone asked me what my job was I would have to answer, “well just sitting around the house waiting to die.” But I add the optimistic note, “however, I am still buying green bananas.” Now that I am no longer teaching or coaching I will occupy my time making DVDs from home video we have shot over the years. We bought a new computer designed to do this type of work now I just have to figure out how to use it. I wanted to travel to Michigan for my father’s internment. The doc said it was my call, but I should be aware that not knowing where the cancer is spreading could end up in a seizure of other medical problem that might strand me in a hospital back in the States. Additionally the fatigue that I am feeling would make the 20 hours of traveling to get there all the worse. So not knowing the status of my illness – taking the road less traveled, is going to prevent me from traveling to Detroit. Since I “dropped off the scope” I have a lot of bottled up emotions that I am venting now. Good idea for the new forum and it will be good to see how many folks are on this road along with us. God Bless, Howard

HI Tbone, There is an ancient tradition out here in the islands about fishing – you are not allowed to sleep with a woman the night before you go – so having women in the boat may follow. Good to hear you are on the mend from the radiation. Thanks for asking about me – I made a post on the NSCLC & Mesothelioma forum explaining my disappearance. God Bless, Howard