Z_Pacific

Greetings from Guam, Thanks to Tbone and the rest of you who asked about my absence, it is comforting to know I was missed. Have been on an emotional roll-a-costar for the past few weeks. Had a wonderful visit from my grown children only to be followed by the passing of my father this last weekend. It was a true blessing to have visits from my 3 grown children who live back in the “States” as we call it here in Guam. My two sons who live in Las Vegas and daughter who lives in Atlanta were able to spend about 10 days here. Living so far away makes visiting a real ordeal. Think of flying to Hawaii from where you live then taking a 7 to 8 hour flight (depending on the headwinds) to Guam on top of that. Considering connecting flights it can take 20 hours not to mention the cost. Their visit provided us with an opportunity to spend some real quality time together. We went to the beach, barbecued, shared our emotions and love for each other. Most of the time we just sat around and reminisced. I raised these guys as a single father and we had a lot of laughs on the trials and tribulations we encountered. As good as the visit was for me, it ended with the somber feeling that this was probably the last time I was going to see them, which really hit me hard emotionally when we dropped them at the airport. Seeing how each of them was dealing with my illness had its ups and downs as well. My daughter (the youngest 25) who had initially fought my decision not to seek treatment had not only accepted it but was very supportive. My second son had been experiencing some drug and alcohol abuse problems and we had not spoken for some time. He turned up straight and sober with an incredible positive bearing on his life. Going to mass on Sunday, excelling on his job and a real pleasure to sit and talk with. My oldest son on the other had is taking it very hard. Lost about 10 pounds since we saw him at Christmas and can’t seem to accept what is inevitable. He has a great wife and precious little girl who can give him the emotional support he needs when he finally reaches out of the self-pity I believe he is feeling now. I was able to keep the post visit depression at bay by grading papers from the classes I taught. The school asked me if I would make up the third quarter exam and give students grades as I taught them for most of the quarter. As a teacher I guess I never learned the old rule that what you give out comes back in class sized multiples. I made the mistake to give my Advanced Placement Class a test made up of 3 essay questions. Take that times 23 students and I have 69 essays to read. Take that times an average of 4 pages per essay and you have about 276 pages of reading – not so bad but when you are reading the same 3 questions over and over it can drive you a little crazy. In addition I had to grade about 75 regular tests that had true/false, multiple choice and short answer questions. On Sunday my father passed away. He was 82 and lived a truly remarkable life. He was the personification of the “Greatest Generation.” A fighter pilot during WW II. Married for 53 years before my mother passed away. After a successful business career went into government service and spent his last days overlooking the golf course and ocean in Pebble Beach, Ca. A couple days after a fall injuring his pelvice, he developed pneumonia and passed peacefully of a heart attack in his sleep. When we saw each other last over Christmas in California our parting words were, “whoever get there first will turn on a light in the window.” While I grieve for him, I know the light is on and he is now in a better place - AND THAT’S COMPARED WITH LIVING ON THE GOLF COURSE AT PEBBLE BEACH!! My only frustration is that I am unable to travel to his internment in Michigan. I am starting to lose a little steam and everyone seems to think that the trip will be too tiring for me. There is an old Chinese curse that has to do with “wishing that your days be interesting.” I am sure you can deduce from my ramblings that my days have been interesting to say the least. God Bless, Howard

Hi Cheryl, I had a very similar heart attack on June 5, 2003. I had 3 major arteries 90% blocked and a ventricular aneurysm to boot. Underwent triple bypass surgery on the 12th. Was walking around hospital 2 days later, discharged in a week and within 3 months was riding a bicycle 10 miles / 3 to 4 times a week. Its lucky that Jack was able to get the Stints, shows his plumbing is in better shape than mine was. God willing he will make more than a complete recovery. After my surgery I felt better physically than I had in years. God Bless, Howard

Hi TeeTaa, You can tell Tbone that I was a member of the empty head club long before I got cancer, just in a different way. My prayers are with him and look forward to hearing some good news from Houston. God Bless, Howard

Hi JudyB, I have been taking Neurontin for just about 2 months now with not noticeable side effect. Doc prescribed it for me to help alleviate numbness o left side of face (7th nerve). She has me taking 2,700-mg. Per day (3 capsules / 3 times per day. Seems to help a little with the numbness, loosens up my face a bit and reduces the tingling sensation I used to have. But was surprised after reading MaryAnna’s reply that it was a “serious medication” or used for pain control. My doc explained that the Neurontin was for controlling the nerves and could improve the function of the 7th nerve. She explained that it was developed for control of seizures but also helped straighten out nerve functions. For pain am taking a combination of Fentanyl patch along with persocet or morphine tablets as needed. Am not driving anymore but seem to be able to get about the house with out bumping into things. God Bless, Howard

Very, very will done! God Bless, Howard

Greetings from Guam, Has anyone heard of this - my stepbrother sent it to me and I told him I would follow up on it: STUDY: SOME LUNG CANCER RESPONDED TO VACCINE In the study, patients were treated with a caccine that included cells from their tumors. A gene called CM-CSF was placed into the cancer cells to change the surface of the cells so the body could identify them as cancerous. Once the vaccine was injected, the patients' immune cells began attacking and destroying the cancer cells. He also suggeGarlic ("Pur Gar" in capsules, 2-4 taken daily with meals Kyolic aged garlic extract; use 1000 with meals Vitamins C, D, E, and K are recommended daily Glutamine Inositol (IP-6) Selenium Melatonin Soy Isofavones The following are known to retard cancer growth and metqastasis: Modified Citrus Pectin (MCP) N-Acetyl-cysteine (NAC) I just take a Flintstones - but maybe this would be better God Bless, Howard

Hi Mo, I think you told us who your partner was in your signature (or what ever they call it) Let Go and Let God!!" "If HE brings you to it, HE will get you through it!" While I know that is the concept of “God as Copilot.” Is a little overworked; he really is there for you. I never truly understood this until I survived a massive heart attack then was diagnosed for cancer. As I naturally questioning why was this happening to me a priest made me see that God was working through me in ways that I didn’t understand. Out to this came a strength that I could turn to, when I could not turn to those around me. What I am trying to get as is that having a wife, children, father along with a brother and sisters to support you is of great benefit it comes with a price. I constantly question if I should say this or that about how I am feeling, knowing that it causes them pain and concern. They are going to be the ones that have to deal with my passing and seeing what I put them through is very painful for me. Thus – The Price. Talking with God gives me the time to bring all this together and put it into perspective (somewhat). So we are not alone. Additionally we have this web site that has allowed me to share my feelings and gain those of others, as only one with cancer can talk to another with cancer. God Bless, Howard

Hi Berisa, It appears that his daughter is just as strong as his cancer too and that he has passed down to you the same beautiful gifts that you attribute to him. I agree with you that what happens to people dealing with cancer is not fare – but who said that life was fair anyways. I always try and look for the good in every situation (got it from my mom, who we lost to cancer 10 years ago). As difficult as it is to see there is good embodied in your fight. Fighting this demon brings forward strengths you never knew you had, it brings you closer to those you love and makes you appreciate all the more the moments you share together. We are all placed on this earth for a limited amount. Under normal circumstances we go about our daily routines and fail to realize just how important those near to us really are. When faced with their mortality or are own we move into another dimension of love and caring squeezing each moment we share as a precious piece of the puzzle we call life. I know that dealing with my cancer has given me a new focus on life and what to do with the time that I have left. I thank God for each moment I have with my family and don’t try and question what is going on – I simply try and get the most out of it. God Bless, Howard

Hi Dean – Me Again, After reading my posting my dear wife Sammi suggested that I temper my poor attempt at humor with a little compassion and encouragement – She said that I might have observed that after every rain there is a rainbow and that while the rain is limiting your freedom, that when it clears you have a new found freedom and mobility that you did not have before. I know this must be terribly frustrating for you but try and keep your eye out for the rainbows. I guess that’s why we call them our better halves. God Bless, Howard

Hi Dean, Well just like Rosanna Rosadanna used to say, “it’s always something!!” Out here in the sun filled tropics we always get the same weather forecast. I feel sorry for the poor shmuck that has to write it for the paper. To see the creative writing masterpieces penned I offer you the forecast as printed in our local paper: Tonight: Partly to mostly cloudy, chance of a shower, moderate seas & surf 1-8 feet. Low 76. Thursday: Times of clouds and sun with possible showers, moderate seas & surf 1-8 feet. High 88 – Low 76 Friday: Partly sunny with occasional showers, moderate seas & surf 3-6 feet. High 88 – Low 76 Saturday: Times of sunshine and cloudiness, breezy with an occasional passing shower, moderate seas & surf 3-6 feet. High 88 – Low 76. Sunday: Partial sunshine and clouds, breezy with the chance of showers possible, moderate seas & surf 3-6 feet. High 88 – Low 76. When I was still driving was able to control the weather. All I had to do was take the canvas top off the jeep and it would rain. Put it back on and bingo – sunshine. You may want to find someone who lives near you who shares my type of Karma and you can control the weather too. It may work with an obsessive car washer as well. Keep the faith and God Bless, Howard

HI Tbone, Sorry to hear about how you’re feeling. Take your hair loss as a good sign. I have not been burdened with the stuff for a number of years now and I can assure you that it is a blessing to be relieved of such unmanageable, unsightly and complex appendages. Not having to hear about “bad hair” days or how I look after walking out of a wind tunnel liberates oneself of any follicular self-conciseness. Personal grooming is improved by trading in that old comb for a good scrub brush and think how much electricity you will save when you hang up that blow-dryer. Think about the bright side of things! God Bless, Howard

Greetings from Guam, I would like to thank everyone for the kind words of encouragement, they meant a great deal to me. Just knowing that we are not alone in our mortal combat gives one the strength to take a step back from our own personal battles and gain the perspective that we are all members of a community facing a common adversary. God Bless You All, Howard

Hi Joyce, Sounds like you need to see another doctor. I had abdominal pain in March that was misdiagnosed as a hematoma (sp?). Then had a major heart attack in June resulting in a triple by pass. The pain I had with that was limited to the chest. When they got inside also found an aneurysm. After all of that they was diagnosed with stage IV cancer that I am dealing with. Having had some of the same symptoms, doubt, fear and anguish. All that I can tell you is that you need a doc that will give you the straight story. Don’t know what type of insurance you have but you should not have to go through all of this doubt about what your condition is. Pain is something that can be treated. The emotional side is a different thing. Here you need faith and trust. Think getting another doctor would help in that department. Once you know what the problem is you can deal with it. My prayers are with you, Howard

Hi, I have been experiencing much the same kind of pain. It is localized on the left side of my face where I have also lost all feeling (except the burning pain). My doc says it is nerve pain caused by the cancer. She has prescribed me Nurontin 300mg, which seems to help. I take 3 caps 3 times a day. Am also using a morphine patch and tablets for the pain in my head. Hope this helps God Bless, Howard

Greetings from Guam, After being blessed with no symptoms for just about a year since I was first diagnosed in state IV this monster is catching up with me. Last weekend I started feeling numbness on the right side of my face, which has now turned into a total loss of feeling. In addition I have searing headaches and can’t open my mouth all the way. The doc says that the cancer has probably spread to my brain or nervous system and will progress rapidly to the end. Had to kick up the pain meds for percoset to morphine and it is barley controlling the pain. The real downer for me is that I had to stop my teaching, which was a great pillar of strength for me. I had planned to stop on Friday but with the new meds and a real loss of energy I just could not make it to school today and will have to ride this thing out at home. I believe that God has blessed me over this last year allowing me to continue my teaching, coaching of the soccer team and basking in the light of the love of my family. While I am really down about the progression of this demon, I believe that God that has been working through me allowing me to touch the lives of my students and soccer players and has given me time with my family to come to terms with my passing. As DeanCarl has said, “this disease is going to kill me but it will never conquer me.” Now I am walking into the shadow of death and have no fear of that daemon for I know that when I cross that river I will be able to sit in the shade of the tree on the other side. For those of you who think we are giving up by not seeking treatment – all I can say is that God it treating me every day and will take me when the time comes. I know now that the sand in my hourglass is low but I am still determined to get everything out of each grain that falls. God Bless, Howard

Hi Dean, Great news about the scooter!!!. I teach at Catholic girls school and we begin each class with a prayer that includes “special intentions” where we pray for individuals in need and things like world peace. Anyhow I have had a total of 115 schoolgirls in 5 classes praying for you each day for the last week. Don’t know if you felt the vibes but we are all pulling for you. God Bless, Howard

Hi Dean, I was going to send you a PM on your posting but decided that I should share my thoughts on what you have said. FIRST OF ALL - MY GOSH Dean - just reading all the responses you have gotten would wear anyone out. AND what’s this about you being the only one who has opted against treatment. I may not be such an “active” participant but I am right there with you just a little behind. My wife tells me that I am spending too much time on this site and it only depresses me – which it does sometimes. I do however find a great deal strength and inspiration from the love and compassion offered to those who are fighting our common enemy in their own ways. As you first advised me, I take it one day at a time and try and get the most from it. When I become depressed (which is happening more often) I try to focus on what is good in my life and consider it a small victory in overcoming the depression. I keep telling myself this disease is not going to break my spirit, for that spirit is the only weapon I have to fight on. You have undoubtedly been through a lot lately but should consider it a victory that you are back with us. Every time you face a difficult time consider it a victory that you have looked it in the eye and continue on. Every time you wake up in the morning giving you another day is a victory and it’s the sum of the small victories that keeps us going. I am not sure how much sand is left in my hourglass but I am going to get the most out of each grain that falls. My prayers are with you and God Bless, Howard

Greetings from Guam, As a result of some of my postings several of you have asked me specifically what type of cancer I have. I scratched my baldhead and looked over the reports that the docs have given me here and found nothing that described just what type of cancer they diagnosed. What they have told me is that I have a nodule (tumor) in my right lung that has spread causing a 10cm tumor on my right adrenal gland and a 4cm tumor on the right. They got this from several CT scans. As of the last scan the tumor in the lung has grown but there is no evidence of additional tumors in either lung. Yesterday I went to see my primary doc - she called the radiologist that did the biopsy and ordered the pathology report of the 10cm tumor. The pathologist called the cancer “nonspecific” and went on to add that they could only get an exact definition from the tumor in the lung. They did not want to do a biopsy on this tumor because the lung is in bad shape from smoking and they were afraid that the lung could collapse if they tried. My question is, why can’t they tell what kind of cancer I have from the biopsy taken from the secondary tumor?

Hi Dean, Can understand your frustration but as you have told me - need to keep the faith and scare those blues away. I miss your postings and words of wisdom. You have been a great help to me in facing our common adversary and have been there for many of us that gain strength from sharing our experiences. Get those fingers typing again – they are your brush and the computer your canvas. GET THE PICTURE? God Bless, Howard

Hi Michelle. TBone is right all you can do is keep the faith and roll with the punches. As hard as it may seem, you must try and keep a positive attitude and look for the good in what ever comes your way. As bleak as things may seem your father is still with you so enjoy and treasure every moment that you can share. God Bless, Howard

Hi Norme, It's Sunday here and we will be going to Church a little later today and will say a prayer for both of you. Your courage has been a true inspiration for me and please remember that as we go through the valley of the shadow of death the lord is with us and will lead us to lay down in the peace of the green pastures on the other side of the river. God Bless, Howard

Hi Bob, A change in latitude brings a change in attitude – think Jimmy Buffet said that but it’s Gods truth. God Bless & have a safe trip. Howard

Hi All - Greetings from Guam, As a result of my decision to forego chemo my family back in the “States” recommended that I look into Iressa as an alternative. Can anyone give me some insight into this treatment? I am going to talk with my doc later today (it’s 6:24 am Friday here) but would appreciate some insight that anyone who is using it may be able to offer. Thanks for your support and God Bless, Howard

Hi Fay, It’s OK to have a Pity Party as long as it purges the negative and renews your spirit and will to fight. In the short time I have been reading messages here I am amazed at the courage and compassion everyone expresses for each other. Regardless of what each one of us is going through we share a common enemy and an uncommon love for each other. The mind produces some powerful medicine and our faith in God and each other keeps us going one day at a time. I will say a prayer for you for I know a loving God is watching over us and listens to those who are in need. God Bless, Howard

Hi Ginny, I had my first “pity party” last night and woke up this morning feeling refreshed and rejuvenated. To deal with this beast we can’t keep our feelings bottled up and you certainly have the right and need to let those feelings out. Keep the faith and know that God is with you on the difficult journey you are taking. God Bless, Howard