michellep
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Posts posted by michellep
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Hello everyone! Weather here is nice today...60's or so and clear skies. I FINALLY got out of the house and took care of a few things this morning. Had my car washed and picked up some apple fritters for my friends husband. He is home alone since she had to fly back to Iowa for a funeral. He has bladder cancer and uses a walker so I worry about him. His eyes were HUGE when he saw what I brought him. What a sweet man. I'm going back over there tonight to take him some chicken noodle soup....it's cooking on the stove now.
Some of you know from FB that my son has finally fallen in love and is planning a future with this beautiful lady. I'm already calling her my daughter and she calls me Mom....how cute
I'm taking things one day at a time. Just baby steps but healing is going to take a long long time for me.
Still waiting for that stupid letter in the mail for my classes to start. I spoke with them on the 24th of last month and was told if I didn't hear in two weeks to contact them again. Ughhhhhhhhhh I never have been a patient person.
Well, back to the FB Cafe game so I can get annoyed with the lock ups again. Have a great day everyone.
PS Tell someone you love them today please?
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I need to talk to a friend, but I don't even know what to say. I wish someone could look inside my head and know all the things I wonder and think about. I''m scared, I'm so afraid. I am lonely and lost and so many other things. My head just spins and my heart aches and my stomach is in knots. I don't know what to do or say. I want to go and yet where?
I don't want to start all over again, and I don't want to make the decisions alone. I don't want to think. I'm tired. Is this life? Things are rotten and cruel, and the pit I see is deep, long, and dark. How will I get to the top? How will I get out?
I wander through the house doing the things I have to do and then realize I am just sitting on the floor with all the memories of him, heartaches, headaches, sadness, loss. Remembering the struggles, fights, laughs, things we did that were funny and the mistakes we never seem to forget.
I want someone to put their arms around me and tell me it will be alright. "Just wait and see, you need time." I cry for hours hoping that all of a sudden something will happen to take away my fears and change what has happened in my life. But that moment never comes.
I hate the words "why" and "how come". I pray for that great strength we are all supposed to have, and I ask for hope, guidance and, yes, another chance. I'd like to turn back time for a few special moments, but it doesn't happen. I ask myself, why me? What did I do that was so awful for this to happen? I look around and see really awful people and awful things they do, yet good things happen to them.
People say how strong I am, how tough I am. But I'm not as strong or tough as they think. I play the game and laugh with people and then they are gone and I'm alone again. Tomorrow all of this will repeat itself. Life goes on....but how?
This is how I am today, God. Please bring me peace tomorrow and put a smile on my face so that I can put a smile on the face of others.
I don't want to hear lies from others and I don't want to be told I'm in my own world of self pity. I am lost, mad, angry and hurt. I have needed to say all of these things to a dear friend who would not condemn but understand, accept, and say nothing.
People keep asking me how I am, how I am doing. Well, this is how I am today. If I seem to fail anyone's expectations, I'm sorry.
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One thing I learned very quickly during my husbands journey is that "anything medicare covers, the insurance MUST comply". When he needed to go to rehab the same thing happened to me. They wanted to send him directly home, so I go on the phone with medicare, got the information that it was indeed covered by them. I got her name and called the hospital and informed them that since this is covered by medicare I refuse to accept him being sent home. They made arrangements immediately and he was in the rehab facility that evening. They will try to pull every trick in the book Ann.....don't let them! Call 1-800-MEDICARE now pls?
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Sorry I'm late here.....hope your day was a special one
Happy belated Birthday Rick! -
Good morning everyone! Weather here is supposed to be beautiful here today in the low 70's and clear blue skies. What a nice change and yes, it looks like spring is here
Judy, sorry you have to still be working on those taxes. Most people don't consider things like that much fun but I sure do. Always been a "numbers" gal, plus it's probably the only talent I have anyway. The IRS doesn't look at mileage much anyway so don't worry about that.
Ann, I'm so happy your husbands surgery is completed and he's resting now. I assume he'll need physical therapy for a while. I have a friend who is having a hip replacement and will be in a rehab facility for two weeks at least.
My son and his girlfriend are having a wonderful time together. Last night he make some chips and salsa then cooked some shrimp and pasta while I made margarita's . She will be returning home on Sunday and there's no doubt he'll be heart broken. We are thinking about planning a trip from Mark and I to visit where she lives in Illinois. Small town of only 800 people but the cost of living is much lower there than California. Maybe we'll just sell my home and move there. But I certainly do not want to live with them. I want my own tiny little box
It's still just in the talking stage but we shall see although selling my home won't be easy. The housing market is a joke now with all the foreclosures here, so if I get a buyer I'll be taking a huge loss.This job I've been working on is driving me crazy. I somehow keep slipping through the cracks. They were supposed to send paperwork for training on the 31st of January and nothing yet. Plus when I call all I ever get is voice mail.....whoever invented those I don't like!!!!!!!
Well, the only other news is that I have to take my kitty in to get "fixed" on Tuesday. Poor baby
I'm sure he'll be really mad at me for that! -
"RandyW"]Hey Michelle Check your FB mailbox! read what I sent Ya !!
I saw it Randy, but couldn't reply cuz you were still inactive. Thank you so very much my dear friend. And also know that my thoughts will be with you on the upcoming anniversary. Lots of love and hugs to you !
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I'm so happy for you Dawn
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OMGGGGGGGGG That is funny LOL
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Good Morning! It's a chilly 35 degrees outside right now but expected to warm up to the 60's. Yesterday was a beautiful day as well. My son's girlfriend finally arrived and she and my son spent some time in the sun by the pool and went to a movie last night. He surprised her with roses and when I teased her about being jealous she gave me one of them and shared. What a sweet thing to do isn't it?
I went to visit a friend last night and we had a few glasses of wine. Probably a few too many I think! LOL My son drove me over there and picked me up so I wouldn't have to drive. We had a nice visit though and talked a lot about the "old days" when we used to work at the same place. I'm glad I went because it made the day easier on me.
Today I still feel a little bit of the after effects of the wine ughhh so I think I'll just take it easy although I promised to make a jello cake for my son, so that will be the only thing I plan.
I'm glad to hear that Randy is okay and didn't actually delete his FB account.
Judy, I'm sorry you aren't feeling well today. Please rest and take care of yourself
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Lilly,
I can relate to the acid reflux. I had it really bad a couple years ago. Especially when I would lay down. I got one of those wedge pillows which helped and then got "Tagament" from the drug store. Their dosage is a small amount but the doctor prescribed 400mg tablets for me. Turns out it was all caused from an infection in my stomach. I'm doing much better now and only take the tagament once in a while. Try the small dose ones from the drug store maybe until you can see the doc?
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Barb,
I too have been following the beautiful love story you and Bill have shared for so many years. You're a wonderful and loving wife and I'm amazed with the strength and courage you have...but then, that's what love is all about.
I kept putting off hospice for my husband until the final 10 days, but they were such a blessing for us. I was finally able to rest which I desperately needed after 9 months of less than 3-4 hrs sleep per day.
I know it's hard for you right now, but I also know that you treasure each and every moment you have with your wonderful husband. Bless you both.
(((hugs and prayers)))
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"jean44"]Well, today is another "first" for me-the first Valentines Day without Thom.
My heart is literally aching.
His birthday was Friday, so this week has kind of been a double dose of heartache in the past few days.
One of the other things I am trying to deal with today is the guilt.
I feel guilty because I have feelings of jealously towards people that still have that special person in their life.
I am NOT a mean, hateful, or jealous kind of person so this is a new deal for me.
I guess I am posting this here today because I KNOW there is someone on this board that knows how I feel and can kind of confirm that my feelings are "normal" and that the loss of Thom hasn't turned me into a person I don't want to be.
Anyway, I really do hope that those of you that still have that special someone in your life enjoy today. I remember how special today can be.
Jean
Jean,
You aren't alone my friend. I too have the same feelings. Today is going to be hard for all of us who have lost a loved one. This is also my first Valentine's Day without Donald. But each time I start to remember and feel the pain of my loss I remind myself to focus on all the past beautiful memories I have of him and that helps me a lot. I don't want to remember the sickness......I want to remember the love we shared and the beautiful moments we shared for 20+ years. I talk to him each and every morning and re assure him that with his strength he's giving me.....I'll make it. Everything will be okay......those words he told me hours before his passing and I hold those words in my heart. Everything will be okay Jean.
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Good Morning! Judy, yes my son's girlfriend finally arrived. She had to sit in Salt Lake City airport for TWELVE hours with the delay. She was so tired once she finally arrived she went straight to sleep. LOL Poor little thing. I had made a pork roast for them for dinner and I saw this morning that they must have at least had some food finally. My son is so thrilled which makes me happy!
The weather here right now is 38 degrees and expected to reach the mid 60's today which is okay with me. Clear skies and no more rain for now at least.
Heard from Randy this morning and he simply closed his FB acct for a couple days because it's such a busy time for him at work this week end. He'll be back tomorrow I think.
I'd like to wish all of you a Happy Valentine's Day and ask that each one of you hold your loved ones close and remind them of the love you share. Love is the most precious thing in the world ya know
It's eternal....... -
Good Morning everyone! Judy, how nice to have a cleaning lady
I used a service for a while when my hubby was ill, but don't need one now. Except when my back starts hurting from mopping.....that's when I miss them.Weather here is currently 52 degrees and the skies are clear which is nice.
My son's girlfriend was supposed to arrive here last night from Illinois but her connecting flight in Utah has given the poor thing a 12 hour delay
From what I see on Delta's site her plane is boarding now (hopefully)Anyone heard from Randy? He disappeared from all the FB friends listings! FB did that to me a few months ago and I had to re add most of my friends. Hopefully he hasn't been kidnapped! Perhaps we should start a ransom collection? LOL
Have a good week end everyone! (((hugs)))
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Hi Everyone. Well, the weather is supposed to improve here the next few days into the upper 60's during the day with clear skies. Perfect for my son's girlfriends visit. She'll arrive late this evening, so I won't get to see her until tomorrow morning. I'm looking forward to it. No where near as excited as my son is. Haven't seen him this happy in a long time. Makes me happy too!
Still jumping through hoops for this job. I'm supposed to call on Monday because whoever enters data for training classes somehow skipped me. Figures huh? Like I said....by the time all this paper work is done I'll be 90 yrs old.
I'm doing so much better with the panic attacks since I stopped that crazy medication. Only take two now and am "coping" the best I can,
Gotta finish cleaning the house today. I know what a nut I am about having everything perfect when visitors come, but it will keep me busy and many get some exercise while I'm at it. I only mop floors on my hands and knees and I have a 3,000 sq ft house with no carpet. Bad choice when we had this place built.....at least for me huh?
Well, off to work now....hope everyone has a wonderful week end.
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I'm so happy to hear that Tarceva is working well for your mom. We weren't as lucky with my husband. It's very rare but Tarceva can also cause major problems which happened to my husband. Sad to say but with him it reacted like fuel for the cancer.
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Good morning! I almost feel like a stranger here these days. I haven't been posting much. But, I'm feeling a bit better each day so I'll try visiting more often.
It's in the low 30's now but at least I don't see any rain clouds. Sure could use a break from the rain. We've only had slight snow now and then, but it doesn't stay long thank goodness.
My son's girlfriend is flying in from Illinois tomorrow night. I'm so happy they will be able to visit. But....that leaves nutty me freaking out over how perfect and clean the house will have to be. But that's good because it will keep me busy. I'm the nutty type that practically scrubs the house down with a toothbrush and many things have been neglected with taking care of my husband this past year. Only thing is, I refuse to pull out and clean behind any furniture. My back still hurts from all that wheel chair lifting.
I do however have some special meals I want to prepare during her visit. I haven't cooked much in a while so that sounds like fun. Which is exactly what I need.
Still waiting for more paper work in the mail for the job. I check every day and always say a little prayer before I open it. These people take forever and I'm a typical woman I guess.....I HATE waiting.
Have a good day all............need to go find that toothbrush now LOL
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Thanks for the well wishes on the job. Won't actually start most likely for a couple weeks....there is some training etc first, but I think it will be good for me. I started the process last November and finally got some news on it which made me really happy. BUT....I still ended up with nightmares again. I sure hate those. Sometimes I wish I didn't remember dreams ya know?
Had a few tears this morning. I was looking inside a big hat box I have in my closet wondering what was in there. Turned out to be my wedding bouquet. ;( It was hard, but I told myself nope.....remember that wonderful day and how happy we both were.....it's helping me a lot!
I have another appt next Tues with the grief therapist. I'm looking forward to it because she is such a kind and thoughtful person. Never judges me.....she always helps me understand my feelings and gives me tools on how to cope.
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Crap! Looks like I'm a day late too. But better late than never, right? Hope you had a great day! Did hubby cook for you or out to dinner? Flowers? Diamonds?
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Sending a huge THANKS to all of you. I'm doing better since stopping that one med that had a reverse effect. That was truly a nightmare....I don't remember several hours of that episode and don't want to.
Each day I have a long talk with God and my husband. I spoke to them yesterday morning while driving over the additional paperwork for the job I wanted. They must have heard me because I got a phone call within minutes after arriving home. Looks like the job is a GO
I need this job for many reasons, not just financial but I must get out of this house that I feel I can't even call a home anymore, it's just a building.I spend many days never even getting dressed and letting things go undone. So, this is the biggest reason I'm looking forward to the paperwork they are sending me for training classes. I need to get out into the world again....I think it's time after 4 months.
Only worry I have are my panic attacks. My meds help but I'm still scared somewhat.
I'll let you all know how the job goes.....the sooner I can start the better I think. It's only going to be part time at first which is a good thing.....one step at a time, right?
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Good Morning everyone! I also am hoping for all who are getting tests to have a good outcome!
Lilly....you can cheer on any team you want to my friend! If someone happens to like another team....that's okay too. I wouldn't worry about it if I were you.
I have some good news....yesterday I had to jump through yet another hoop for a job and as soon as I got home and walked in the door, the phone rang and she said I would be getting information within a few days to arrange training. She didn't actually use the words "your hired"....but schedule of training means the same thing right? She was asking about how many hours I wanted etc.....so I guess it finally came through. I've been so worried about finances (which aren't that bad YET). I prayed to both God and my husband yesterday morning while I was on my way home. Looks like they heard me
Have a good day all! Sorry I don't post as much lately, it's just hard sometimes and I'm sure you all understand.
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I wish I could just volunteer but with finances the way they are I'll have to at least get a part time job that pays. I've been applying at places but I guess these things take time and when the Lord feels I'm ready, I'm sure something will come up.
It's all just such a sudden change and having to learn to create a whole new identity isn't easy.
Thanks everyone
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I'm so lost. I don't know who I am anymore. I was a wife and homemaker for over 20 years other than a few part time jobs. My main job was taking care of my husband, our son and home. Now, my husband is with the Lord and my son is in love and quite busy, so where does that leave me?
With the depression and panic attacks I rarely leave the house anymore. I've applied for a few jobs thinking that would help but not much out there these days. I had always worked as an accountant, and with my mind these days a job like that is out of the question.
I just wander the house from room to room looking at things that should be done but I don't have any motivation to do them.
I stopped taking one of the medications the doc gave me. Turned out to have a reverse effect for panic attacks. Trust me.....that was a nightmare!!!! My poor son was terrified and had no clue how to help me other then watching my every move for about 24 hrs till I got the meds out of my system.
So.....basically...I'm no longer who I "was".....so how do I create a new ME?
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Judy, I know what you mean about collections and how frustrating it can be. I have my husband oncologist after me for $60,000 that Blue Cross has not paid. And when I call, all I get is voice mail. So....by next week if I haven't heard of any progress I'm driving over there. Believe me, it isn't going to be pretty either! Like I don't have enough to deal with? Funny because the last time I went over there they told me to wait in the parking lot and someone would come talk to me. Guess I just don't have patience for stupidity!
Today is in the high 40's but the sky is clear and no sign of anymore rain so I took the mop out and cleaned all the footprints off my floors LOL
Baby Randy is doing well....kinda. He loves to get into the laundry basket now and run through the house with a piece of clothing....usually my underwear. Thank goodness he hasn't done it when I have a visitor yet! Perverted cat huh?
Not sure what the rest of my day will be.....probably the cafe in FB LOL Take care!
I'm sure he'll be really mad at me for that!
Feelings
in GRIEF
Posted
Jane,
Thank you so very much for your kind words of support. I'm also saddened by your loss as well.
It's such a difficult process trying to create a whole new "identity". I 'm very glad that you have others in your life who can understand and support you, sad to say that I don't have that. BUT...one day at a time right?
I believe that the biggest issue I have myself is guilt. I feel responsible for the suffering my husband had to endure....and I feel that I need in addition to praying to God for forgiveness that I do anything I can to help others.
Thanks again......and bless your heart for posting to me. I feel so alone sometimes and your post helped me a lot.