michellep
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Posts posted by michellep
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First off, how can we drive a bus to hawaii? It's surround by water, so I imagine we'll be floating. Since I live in California I think I'll just jump on a place and meet all of you at Ned's place ok? Sounds much safer than sinking to the bottom of the ocean,
And Ned, have plenty of Miller Lite on hand for me okay? I don't care about the food, we'll leave that part up to the other ladies ok?
Where will I be sleeping anyway? Don't put be close to Randy.....he can't be trusted ya know
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I'm getting confused this this topic.....what day is it?
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Jalapenos don't do that to me thank goodness. Maybe I'm immune LOL
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HI everyone! Thanks to Katie I was able to log on today. For some reason I kept getting an error message saying my name was not valid. I was beginning to wonder if I was a bad girl and got banned. Some of these meds that I take (nine of them) I don't always remember things. ughhhh
BUT I did get out of the house yesterday and bought myself a new coffee pot and a curling iron. So....I was thinking that I would fix my hair the way I used to. It's been so very long since I ever had time for that because my husband required so much time. I've been pulling my hair into a little pony tail and wearing a baseball hat for the past year. It's time I made myself look like a woman again instead of a boy in a baseball cap ya think?
Ann and Judy, I'm so sorry to hear you ladies aren't feeling to well. Please take some "me time" for yourselves. Put a video on and lay on the couch all day with a big soft warm blanket. Have someone be your "slave for the day" and bring you plenty of fluids and CHOCOLATE
PS: Forgot to mention the weather, it's 9:30 am and 32 degrees out side.
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Thank you Ann! you always have wonderful words of encouragement for all of us. Today is my wedding anniversary and I plan to spend it talking to my husband and reliving our wedding day and all the beautiful ones that followed. Just because God takes the body....the soul remains and I know he's with me today. Unless of course there happens to be a big poker table being set up in heaven. That's probably the only thing that would keep him. Hey, maybe he'll win a lot of $$$$ and leave in on my dresser ya think?
Have a good day my friends. Bless each and everyone of you and I wish you all a wonderful year ahead.
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Today is our wedding anniversary. I refuse to say it "would have been" I can't wrap my mind around that concept. So, therefore it will be such and I will spend the day talking to my husband and remembering our wedding day and all the wonderful years that followed.
Happy Anniversary my dear love............may we celebrate many more.
Your loving wife forever,
Michelle
PS I love you all the way to god and back (we always wrote that in our cards)
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"Melanie86"]Haha, that's a very cute memory! How long were you and your husband married for, if you don't mind me asking?
Together for 20+ years and married for 16 (or would have been as of today 12-31)
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LOL You're all too good to me
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Somehow in my mind I just KNEW Randy would get a kick of this this! HA
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I've been having a hard time remembering the good things about my husband, but my therapist thougt this memory cute so here goes:
Many years ago during the winter moths, but husband was complaining hour how cold his "nose was". Well, you all know me right??? So, my response to him was since he was italian and most italians have big noses that the cold he felt was simply because it just "stick out too far:. Well....this man simply stood there and looked at me from head to toe a few times and then said "MIchelle, if I were YOU, I would;t talk about things that "stick out anymore"
Needless to say....this was the very last time I ever made fun of his big nose!
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Sorry I missed this before. Does this make me famous now?
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Hearing such words of comfort ane encouragement have not gone un noticed believe me. I have a feeling inside of me that's telling me these medications and therapy sessions are a waste of time and money.
I'm still in a very dark place and I don't think I will ever recover. YES, I understand that suicide is an unforgiveable sin, but just shutting ones self and soul down and waiting for the lord to come for me sounds acceptable.
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I managed to get a hold of the other member who was talking about suicide and she seems to be holding on okay right now. I'll be calling her daily just to make sure.
Yesterday I went to see my new therapist. I like her a lot and since she herself lost a husband to lung cancer it makes communication so much easier. She told me though that going back to work right now is out of the question since my dx is severe panic attacks. She says they have a scale from 0-22 rating and that I am what she considers a 19. Knowing this makes things so much worse because I'm really in a financial bind and I've just got to do something soon. I can't just sit on my butt waiting for the next panic attack to hit me which seems to be increasing to multiple times daily now. There MUST be something that can be done.
Knowing that tomorrow would have been our wedding anniversary is making things especially hard for me right now. I can barely see the screen through my tears.
I'll be back and I'll be fine.............keep repeating this Michelle
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Good Morning All! When I got up this morning it was 29 degrees outside and it's warmed up to 53 now. I'm still cold though.
Went for my therapy session this morning and it was good. I'll be going once weekly from now on. I like this woman, she knows what I'm feeling even before I do! LOL
Randy is running the house now. He jumps and leaps all over the place. He loves to hide behind a door and jump up and grab ahold of me with those nasty little claws of his. He clearly understands the word "No" now so isn't trying to get on top of counters or anything which is good.
Judy, I had a full hysterectomy myself because I had multiple non cancerous tumors inside and it wasn't that bad. The incision hurts a bit for a few days but after that, you fine. I even checked myself out of the hospital the same day as surgery and was home cooking dinner for my husband that night.
Well, I gotta get back to work at the cafe.....busting my rear trying to beat Randy's score which isn't easy ya know!
Take Care!
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Well, I know it's Monday evening, but here I am! I had a good day today.....didn't take any of the meds prescribed and got myself OUT of the house ON MY OWN. I went to walgreens and got some hair color and a Monkey toy for Randy (he loves it by the way).
Tomorrow am I have another appt with my one on one grief mtg which I was very happy with last week, so we'll see.
Overall the Christmas holiday has been good for me. Had some close friends just pop by without notice which doesn't bother me at all. Had a good time and I slept very well. Especially with Randy purring all night LOL
Just one thing before I leave,,,,,,please.....all of you, hold someone you love close to you and remind them how much they are loved. You never know when we can just get taken away at a moments notice. Please not only do this for me....but for yourselves?
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Thank you for your sweet reply. Actually I did well today....didn't take any meds at all and manged to run some errands to walgreens and picked up some donuts. Now I have another tragic worry....there is a member on another board I have been talking to and she posted this morning talking about suicide...I;m just beside myself with worry. I contacted the moderator and asked her to give this member my phone number. Maybe by helping someone else I can help myself? I'm just worried out of my mind right now over her. I'll let you know what happens.
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"lilyjohn"]
Let the anger out Michelle and let the frustration out. A lot of what you are feeling is frustration because he is gone and there was NOTHING you could do to save him..
THIS my friend is the biggest problem I have...........GUILT! I feel like there must have been something....anything I could have done to not just keep him with us longer but to especially lessen his pain. I feel like he suffered so much because he "trusted me to make the right decisions on treatment". I feel like it was my fault he suffered so much. I don't think I will ever be able to forgive myself for that. Maybe this is God's way of punishing me.
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So many times I've heard of people just dying from a broken heart...I feel like mine is shattered right now. I'm so ashamed and sorry for sharing such sadness at a time when others are celebrating......happy....enjoying their families and here I sit alone with such grief. I apologize....I shouldn't have posted in the first place. I need to find a way to keep my pain to myself.
But thank you for such a kind reply.
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I don't know half the time whether I'm coming or going these past weeks. I can wake up in the morning feeling okay and then suddenly out of nowhere comes the pain and endless tears. I can't control it....they just keep flowing. I'm currently on about 4-5 meds daily for depression and panic attacks but I don't know if they really do anything. Perhaps I would be much worse without them, which is hard to imagine.
My religious belief is that if a person commits suicide it's an unforgivable sin in the eyes of the lord and that you will never be able to be joined with your loved ones....ever. And it's this belief that keeps me going each and every day. But, I feel like I have no purpose in life now, so why doesn't he just come and take me? I pray to him for that each and every day. I suppose only he knows the answer as to why I must stay and endure this endless pain. Maybe I did something in my life at some point where the lord believes I need to suffer.....endlessly.
I don't know...........I just don't know
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Alright Judy!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm having a hard enough time knowing what day of the week it is anyway with all these darn meds I'm on.....you got me GOOD on this one girl! LOL
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We'll be here when you get back.....you can always count on that!
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Thank you all for your loving words and support. I appreciate it more than you will ever know.
I went to the pcp this morning. My son had to drive me because with these panic attacks driving is out of the question right now. My son was so cute because there was "no way" he was going to wait outside while I spoke with the doctor. He knows me very well and knew I would not be totally honest.
Well, this wonderful doctor of mine spend a full hour with us talking about every little thing that has been happening to me and said that I "must" go to a shrink in addition to grief counceling. I have an appt for the grief on Wednesday morning. The pcp also changed my medication...took me off xanax and something called colanapin (spelling) and something else. He said that in his 20 years of practice he has never seen such a sever case as mine and said he will be calling me daily to check on me. WOW....between him and my son I won't be able to get away with much now will I?
Thank you again and I'll let you know how my appts go. Wish me luck and let's all hope they don't lock me up somewhere.
Love all of you...................so very much!
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Thank you for posting about Marisa. I've been very concerned about her for many reasons (as you know Lily). Please send her my love and let us know when you get more news please? Thanks
((((hugs Marisa)))
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I feel almost ashamed posting so much saddness. I'm totally exposing my heart to everyone, but I feel so alone.
Since my husbands passing on 10-13-09 I feel as though I'm not getting better....I'm actually getting worse. I have a disabled son that I have cared for for 36 years now. Then I spent the last 20 years spoiling my husband until he became ill in Feb 09. Since he passed in October, I'm feeling so lost. It does help me when I am able to help others yes, but no one seems to need me on this board I feel. Please don't take this personally, it's just that others seem to be on their own happy way into the holidays with family, shopping , decorating etc and here I sit alone. I play facebook daily for a distraction but even that doesn't seem to be helping much lately.
I don't want to admit this, to you but I think it's important. I can't hide everything and maybe I'm reaching for help....I don't know anymore. I've mentioned before about my excessive alcohol consumption. And yes, Randy has beaten me up for this and I understand. However, it seems to be the only way I can cope with my feelings of loss. I'm taking xanax and lexapro (highest dosages allowed) but I'm not feeling better. If this makes any sense to anyone who has lost a loved one, maybe you can help with words of advice? Each day that passes seems to get worse for me. The memories....the anger at cancer....and the fear of the future. I've had some panic attacks that are so severe they totally affect not only my concentration but my memory as well. I went to the grocery store the other day and on the way home the panic attack suddenly came on me. I couldn't remember where I was going. I "knew" that I needed to just pull over until it passed, but before I could do that I found myself at a four way stop sign...I didn't know who was there first and almost got into an accident. I pulled over on the side of the road and waited for this thing to pass. I was crying and shaking so badly it took about 20 minutes. Finally, when I was able to pull away from the curb I had no memory of being at the market at all. It was horrible and all I wanted to do was go home.....but what direction it that? I' totally terrified of leaving the house anymore.
WOW....I've exposed the deepest feelings of my life here and I hope you understand and not judge me. (other than Randy blasting me for the bottle LOL)
Please don't judge? I know it's easier for some, but in my case this is the most difficult time of my life. I've never felt such pain.
Sign Up For The Big Blue Bus Tour To Hawaii !!!!
in JUST FOR FUN
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This is too funny....ok...I'll bring my Miller Lite, my baby Randy and lets see.......more Miller Lite
I'm in Southern California right off highway 15.
When do we leave?