SBeth

Pat, My heart breaks along side of yours. I miss Brian too and I understand the way you miss him. I'm so sorry. I hope you can feel all of the love and all of the prayers that I am sending to you. Beth

Dear Don, Your post and the peace you found in your experience gives me much hope and comfort. Thank you for sharing such a personal and treasured experience with all of us. Love,

OH Boy Val...I am seriously OUT OF TOUCH. What new baby? What did I miss, when did this happen? Congratulations, I'm so happy for you and understand what a bittersweet moment in your life it is. I'll be saying a prayer for you. Love,

Hi Everyone, Yes, I'm still around and read practically every single day, though not posting much. As the weekend approaches I'll be thinking that one year ago this weekend Bill was signing all the paperwork to welcome Hospice into our home. It's been especially difficult for me as it was the turning point when I knew the clock had really begun ticking. For the last two months I feel these panic attacks that come on out of no where. When I leave the house I get nervous and feel like I need to be at home, but when I'm at home and I'm alone, I panic and need to be away. I feel like the one year anniversary of his death is taking forever. I just think I'll be better when one year finally passes. The Dr. I've been seeing suggested that I surround myself with other people, or find someone to spend the day or evening with and talk openly about it if that's what I wanted to do, or just be distracted, if that's what I wanted to do. I called my Mom...she didn't realize the significance of the date. I called my sisters....they didn't realize. I called Bill's daughter....she never called back. I called Lisa, Ann, Diane, Jen, Madeline....nobody realized that one year ago was the date that Bill officially signed the paperwork and agreed to let Hospice help him die. Why did I think anyone else would remember this? I wouldn't have remembered if it were anyone else...but it hurt that I was the only one that knew it...people are already forgetting about him and that hurts too. People are expecting me to start forgetting about him and that hurts too. I think that I want to start to forget a little about him...that really hurts. So...I fell back into my natural holding pattern and took my drive on I-275 (a circle freeway around Cincinnati). At one point I was somewhere in Kentucky and I was in the fast lane behind this semi and the whole back of the semi was white...no writing, no numbers, just plain white and I was so close to the back of it that all I could see was white. I wanted that semi to slam on his brakes. I drove for several miles just praying that it would. I thought how peaceful it would be to have the last thing I saw be all this calm white. Then I looked over to my right and there was a school bus with a bunch of players headed to a football game and I thought of the boys. I got over into the slow lane and drove home...made a few drinks...all I wanted to do was feel nothing...drink another drink, get numb and feel nothing. The next day I confided in my sister and decided I had reached a point where I needed some professional inpatient counselling. It helped and I do feel like I'm getting control again. I miss Bill so much, I feel like a half person when I'm alone and I'm alone alot lately. I'm going to take some more time off work and get my life back on track. I'll be around and as I start to feel better, I'll do a better job of posting and supporting. I think of ALL of you always and pray for you all. Love,

Dear Tina, My thoughts and prayers go out to you during these days and the ones ahead. Love,

Don, I just can't think of anything to say to you about this, except that I understand and I'm so sorry that you do too now. I truly hope that the group settings help you. Much love to you Don,

Dear Kim, I've been without Bill for almost 10 months now. I am incredibly lonely for my husband and sometimes no matter how many people surround me with love and support, there is nobody that fills that void. I gave everything I had to my husband while he was alive and during our fight for his life. Several times during his illness we had very frank discussions about what my life would be like without him. Bill was very brave, or atleast he put up a very brave front; the few times he did break down were during these tender moments of soul searching and trying to imagine what the future would hold for me alone. It tore him up to think of me lonely and sad and he asked me to promise that I wouldn't mourn him forever, that I would get back to the business of living. I tried to explain to him that I couldn't vision myself in any kind of personal or intimate relationship with anyone else and he asked me to envision myself up in Heaven and looking down on him as a widower. How would I feel if I looked down and saw him lonely, sad, grieving endlessly and never finding any joy in life? I understood. Though I made him that promise over a year ago, I have not had the opportunity to keep it, but I fully intend to, if and when the time is right. My point...you don't really know what private and intimate discussions your parents had about their respective futures. Your step-father may be keeping a promise he made to your Mom. As long as he did everything he could for her and loved her while she was living and breathing on this earth, she is gone now and nothing is going to bring her back to him, or to you. It may be that enough time has not passed for you, and I understand that your wounds are deep; but after 23 years of marriage, I'm betting his are deep too and he is just doing whatever it takes to get him thru every hour, every day and every week. This is just the perspective of a widow; not a child who has lost a parent. I hope my words will help you in some way find it in your heart to understand your step-father a little better. Love,

I'm scheduled to fly into LGA on 11/9 for business and will likely stay thru the weekend to catch up with some old friends. Since I'll be staying in Manhattan, I was hoping that I can stop by for this event, but I haven't seen much about it and was wondering if this is still scheduled? Anyone?

When my husband decided to sign on with Hospice, several others here at LCSC recommended to me a book called "FINAL GIFTS". It was a tremendous help to both myself and my husband as he prepared for his death. I would highly recommend reading this book. It may better prepare you for the path ahead. All my prayers,

Kim, What a raw and moving diary of your last days with your mother. I am honored that you have shared this with me. I hope and pray that this journal has helped you move thru your grief. Love,

Dear Lori, It sounds like it was a beautiful evening. I'm very proud of you and your mother for the incredible gift of the donation of her body to science. It is a tremendous act of generosity and one that rarely receives the recognition it deserves. I wish I had had the courage to donate Bill's body, I wish I had even thought about that as an option. Again, I am just very proud of you and your strength and I know that your Mom is with you and will help you thru the difficult days ahead. Love,

Hi Chris, I'm sorry that you are dealing with so much and trying to balance everything with the distance between yourself and your father. While I no longer have my husband's bio attached to my profile; I can tell you that my husband's lung cancer was already in the brain in several areas when he was diagnosed. He underwent sugeries to remove the brain tumors and then followed up with whole brain radiation as further suspicious areas turned up in the months following the surgeries. The effects of the brain radiation could be causing your father's increased confusion. We also noticed that a sudden increase or decrease in the prescribed amount of Decadron, or any steroid used to decrease swelling to the tumors, would cause similar confusion. The fact of the matter is that once cancer is spreading thru the body, there is no easy answer about how the end will happen or when the end will happen. My husband was feeling very well just 9 days prior to his death. Two days prior to his death, he began displaying symptoms which lead his Hospice team to the conclusion that he had only a few days left and they were correct. I'm so sorry, I know how hard it is when you just want to know "when" and nobody can tell you. I hope you are able to be there with your father and find peace in spending time with him. My prayers will be with you.

Dear Don, I am so very sorry for your and your family's loss. Heaven has truly gained a wonderful new angel. I'll cherish the time I was able to spend with Lucie (and yourself) at Katie and Rick's in July. She was and she will continue to be such an inspiration to so many. My thoughts and prayers are with you Don. Much love,

Lori, I'm so very sorry for your loss. I know how hard you fought with and for your Mom. I hope you find some comfort in knowing that you did everything and so much more than anyone could have expected. Your mother was very very lucky to have had you in her corner; and now you will have an extra angel in yours. I'm just across the river if you need anything. Love,

Dear Don and Sweet Lucie, I am so very sorry to hear this news, but I am grateful that you have your children with you Don. I'll be keeping you all in my prayers. Love,

Melinda, My sincere condolences to you and your family. I'll keep you in my prayers. Love,

Karen, I understand. As I handed over the keys to my 15.5 year old son, leaving the license bureau with his "still warm from the laminating" temporary driver's permit...I, too, pondered about the things that Bill is missing. I, too, enjoy hiding out at home with the boys as opposed to venturing out into the world again, after all, it is a scary place to be single again. I wonder who will take Bill's place and be the "crazy fan" in the stands this year blowing the air horn as Scott's team makes a touchdown. I wonder who will go overboard buying Halloween candy so that we eat more than we give out. I wonder who will lift the 27 pound turkey out of the oven for the hourly basting on Thanksgiving. I could go on and on about all the things I feel Bill is missing out on and all the things I miss him doing. Yes, Karen, I understand. I'm on auto-pilot, doing what a mother does, but my heart isn't in it and I'd rather be "someplace" else. Please do update your avatar soon, I'd love to see how much Faith has grown. Love,

Dear Paddy, I understand as well. I, too, hate the weekends. I used to live for them. I always used to sneak out early on a Friday so I could get home and be with Bill. We were inseperable on the weekends and had so many common interests. It seems like all the things we loved to do together are impossible for me to get any enjoyment out of alone and that makes ANY free time painful. I think that Sunday mornings are the worst for me. We used to go to Mass on Saturday night so we could be lazy all morning on Sunday, laying around with (my) coffee and (his) tea, reading the paper, hanging out in the pool, off on the Harley. I'm so lonesome for him and hurt so much when I allow myself to dwell on my loss. I'm tired of being told that I need to get out more, get on with my life, sell my house, I'm tired of advice about what will make me feel better. Maybe I just don't want to feel better yet? Does anyone else feel like that? Sometimes I'm afraid that if I do start to feel better, will I forget him? There isn't a book to read to tell me how to grieve, there isn't a right or wrong way to grieve, but I WHOLEHEARTEDLY agree with you Paddy...having someone physically close by that understands is the best medicine. I didn't mean to go off on a tirade about my own issues, but your post really hit home as I sit here this Friday afternoon...dreading the upcoming weekend. Love to you!

Ann, I noticed that too Ann! I sent out an email to about 100 (of my closest friends ) providing the link to input recipes or offering to do that myself. Quite a few put them in, but I've been busting my tail trying to get all the ones sent to me to enter into the book. I want them all to buy the book when they're ready, so I'm listing the people that provide the recipe to me as the submitter! Nothing like seeing your name in print to boost sales!

{{{{My Friend}}}}

Thank you Ginny, for sharing such warmth with all of us. I have no doubts that your Earl was the wonderful husband you have portrayed him to be. I cannot imagine that you would/could settle for anything less. You are a remarkable woman and your insight and compassion here at LCSC have given me much hope and peace. I am so very sorry for your loss, but I am proud to be able to call you my "sister" in this journey. On Friday, I'll be burning a candle in honor of your Earl and keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. Love and peace, Beth

Tina, I just want you to know that I'm still around and thinking of you and praying for you all the time. Love,

Carlene, Your Keith has to be very proud of you. With tears in my eyes, I want you to know how much your words have comforted me and inspired me. It should not be a comfort to know that others understand your pain and loss, yet it is. Your determination to go on, in spite of your loss, gives me strength. Thank you!

Tami, I am very very sorry for your loss. Your pain is still extremely fresh and (I can't believe I'm actually writing/saying this as I steadfastly detested hearing it...though it IS true) in time you will begin to heal. I wholly understand that it will be very hard for you to get beyond the pain and horror of those last moments with your husband; while my husband had a relatively peaceful death, the day prior was similar to your experience. Since Bill had signed on with Hospice, I was fortunate to have had our Hospice nurse prepare me for what may/did happen and it wasn't as shocking. I hope that you will give yourself some time to rest and heal. It has been eight months now since my husband passed away and I still have not made it thru a single day without tears, but I am beginning to remember more of the good and the love than the sick and the cancer. I hope you will keep coming here and let all of us help you thru this process. Much love,

I've sent you a private message; please read it and contact me. Best of luck, Beth