Reaction to the Hospital

[Pamela]

Yesterday I had to go to a hospital here in town to pick up paperwork for my son. I thought it would be a quick errand and didn't give it much thought until I walked through the front doors. Then I couldn't believe my emotional reaction. I immediately felt tears stinging my eyes.

It was like a flashback to all the long hours we spent with my Dad in the hospital last year. The familiar emotions of that time -- fear, heartache, helplessness, hope -- overwhelmed me. I wanted to run out the door. I know the staff I dealt with wondered why there were tears in my eyes, but I couldn't help it and I couldn't explain without breaking down.

Perhaps the most surprising feeling was the longing to be back there again. I wanted desperately for my Dad to still be alive, to still be sitting next to his bed or waiting with him for some test or other. Anything, even the intense stress, would be better than Dad being gone.

I guess this was just another step in the grieving process. More to come. I'm NOT looking forward to Father's Day.

Pam

[shelliemacs]

ok, i can totally understand that.

mom died in room 515, dad died in room 516 of the same hospital 9 months and 4 days later. my aunt (dads sister) is now in room 516 ( a hospice room) and i went to visit her last night and had an anxiety attack walking down the hall.

funny thing is the oncology nurses still remember me from both mom and dad and took me to there break room, had a soda with me for about 15 minutes and then held my hand to the room.

you can't escape your emotions, so if the tears come let them fall.

[osirus226]

I totally understand your feelings too. I know for a fact I wont be able to go near that hospital for a very very long time without breaking down. My mom and I also worked at the same place (community college) and its very hard for me to be at work. We used to have lunch together and talk about stupid work things. I would give anything to have that back again. I cant even go near the building she worked in without having that familiar sting in my eyes. I dont know if that will ever get easier. Just wanted you to know your definetely not alone.

Kelly

[cindi o'h]

hug you, Pamela

Cindi o'h

[SDianneB]

Pam, that is so sad. I felt so awful for you reading your words.

My dad died suddenly, and he was out of town. It took me a long time to stop being mad at him for dying when I wasn't there to be with him to say goodbye. I was at home by myself the night they called to tell me what had happened, and ever since then if the phone rings late at night, I break out into a cold sweat with fear. Even if it's a wrong number or a prank, I will lay there a while and remember that night all those years ago, and those fears come back.

Every tough thing like that is a hurdle -- the more of those you can get through, the better. It never gets easy, but you will learn to handle those times differently. I promise.

Many hugs to you.

Di

[Ann]

Oh my! Just reading your post brought back feelings that I experienced a few months ago when I went back to the hospital where Dennis received his treatments for the first time. It was a feeling that I can hardly express in words. Like you, I wanted to be back there again...with Dennis. When I left, I felt as if I was leaving something behind and felt completely lost for days. While at the hospital I felt as if the breath was gone from my body and my head felt very light! This is so strange! At the time, I felt like this trip back would help me put closure on Dennis's death. But...I think I would react the same should I return again!

[lilyjohn]

Just three weeks after Johnny's death I had to take his daughter-in-law for a check up after her baby was born. Until we got there I didn't realize that we were going to a clinic next door to the hospital where Johnny died. I sat in my car and looked up at the window to the room he had been in. So many times that last weekend I had stood there watching his window prepared to run back up if I saw anything unusual in his room. That expeience nearly destroyed me.

Other than the experience above I had never been back to a hospital again. Two months ago I had to take the lady I care for for a small proceedure. I had no idea that we would be going to the hospital until we were on the way. Such a feeling of dread came over me that I wanted to turn around and come home. When we got there the drive ran up a small hill just as the one in Olympia had where Johnny died.

I sat in that waiting room fighting with myself. I felt so strongly that Johnny was there that I had the urge to run to every room searching until I found him. Needless to say it took me days to get passed the emotions that experience brought on. And that was nearly two years after he died and over 800 miles away from where he died.

I think we just have to face the fact that some things were such an emotional experience that we will never be able to face them normally again. I wonder if everyone has had something like this happen. Those who have been able to go back may be of help to the rest of us if they shared what happened to them. As for me I don't know how I will react if faced with the same thing again.

Just one more side effect from having our lives turned upside down. Lillian

[luluc]

I can relate to all of your experiences. I had an experience that I was wondering if anyone else that has lost someone has experienced. I was shopping,not thinking of him,at that time,and saw a man and woman shopping together. The man looked so much like my brother before the cancer. I was drawn to look closer, just out of curiousity. I knew it was not him,just wondered what other characterisitcs he had that were similiar. And then he said to his wife,"we are out of chocolate". I know that lots of people love chocolate. My daughter jokingly said,yeah that is strange,hardly anyone else likes chocolate! I know that I was only looking for similarities. I realize why this happened. I simply miss him. I joked that maybe I have a half brother we didn't know about.

[lilyjohn]

luluc did you ever consider the possibility that the experience you had that made you think so intensely about you brother might be a sign from him letting you know that he is still with you?

I have learned something that I heard John Edward say one night is so true. "don't look for a banner saying 'I am here' it is the little things that that you may not pay attention to."

[peggy]

Pamela, that is so normal. I had to go to the hospital after my husband died, to visit my step father. I was so overcome with the flood of awful memories I started to hyperventilate and felt a full blown panic attack coming on. I had to go outside to try and compose myself before going back in.

[berisa]

Yes, the grieving process takes time...I also had such experience that the sadness is just overwhelming. When I first came home, I can't stop crying as no dad in house anymore...

2 months after dad's gone, I was working near that hospital (Dad's) for 1 week, whenever I exited the train station, my heart ached everyday. I can't afford it.

2 weeks ago, I got to that hosptial with my mom for meeting her doctor (same hospital again), I felt very uncomfortable being there again as I hated that hospital so much....emotionally I thought this hospital took my dad's life....certainly I know this is not the fact....funny thing is - this hospital is where I was born.

I fully understand your feelings.....but things get better now I know....the pain is lessening...God bless you.

[Anais]

Strangely, I have the opposite reaction. My mother entered palliative care October 4th and passed away December 22th. I went to visit her every day (sometimes I spent the whole day with her, brought my laptop with some work) and had the chance to chat with other patients and it's really fascinating. Now, I would like to join the team of volunteers in the palliataive care. I would like to use writing therapy (creative writing) to help patients. I spoke to the palliative care psychologist and she finds my idea very interesting... She told me to wait 6 months so I get over the grieving process and then we could make a work plan.

Anaïs