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about to break with mother/brother, help???


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it's a long story. but basically mom was never very good at mothering. more interested in herself. had some problems. married to alcoholic, not very happy in marraige, probably should have not had children. my brother disagrees. they seem to have a decent relationshp. bottom line: i never got what i needed from my mother. i thought i forgave her. but then she keeps reinjuring me by not being there, not helping me... i feel like she had an excuse when she was with dad, but now???? when i was at my dad's for the 6 weeks before he died, an example. they are legally separated. she came over 6 times in that time. she brought me a little food but not what i asked for. one day i asked her to brush my hair. she said no, i'm not doing that. i said, mom , please, take care of the caregiver. she did it. then later i asked her to clean the stove, no i'm not doing that she said.. i know it sounds petty. but it's just a small example of asking for what i need and not getting it. i do not have the energy to relate the whole history.

bottom line: i feel that i have no "use" for my mother. i cannot call her for comfort as she'll just annoy me. i 've asked her time and time again to help me with issues with my brother, such as his NOT helping me and ReFUSING to take even ONE day off from work when I was taking care of dad. and she never did. i was not as good a caregivers for my father as i could have been had i had more suport and I'm a little pissed off about that too.

my brother is emotionaly handicapped... in my opinion. yesh yea he has to greive in his own way . i try to respect that. but he's not respecting me. he's telling me that we are not keeping dad's stuff, "sell it, toss it, or donate it" is what he says.....that we are not making a museum to dad... i told him that i need time as since i've been home i've had to leave twice to go to funerals (of myfiannce's family) and i was up in ny for 6 weeks and need time.... he's threatened to get a dumpster and throw out stuff that i put in the house!!! i told him that there are things of daddy's that might be of great sentimental value to me and to respect that even if he does not understand. I do not trust him to do this. i live in Washington DC and need to go to NY to start to go through dad's things and I'm fearful that he wll start throwing things out. if he does, i'm afraid of my rage.

i am the executor of the estate/trust. I told him NOT to threaten me, as if I choose to I could also threaten him. I told him I know it's hard but i do not want to make things worse that they are..... I do not want it to come to my using the estate to punish him but I can do this and i will if I have to because why should he inflict suffering on me freely? I am not a vindictive person normally, in fact quite peacelike and loving but i feel so powerless and disrespected.

the settling of the estate is another problem as we are supposed to have joint ownerhsip as per my father of a house but i just see this as being a nightmare because of the way he thinks and does/does not take care of things.

i don't want to hurt any one. I don't want to dishonor my father's wishes. i know that he would want us to get along. but after so many years and so much hurt, i really am just short on love for this mother and brother of mine. I have read books on forgiveness. one really EXCELLENT and I think my only two choices are acceptance and cold cool relations or genuine forgiveness which would necessarily require some sort of "atonement" on their parts.. which is not going to be forthcoming.

so not only did i lose my father on march 3 2005, but now have to deal with this nightmare..... i hope no one else has had this but if so please write.. anyone breaks off relations and regret it? anyone just dealt with what was and let it eat away at you?

i can either settle the estate so that we have joint ownership, or i can break up the estate so that we do not, which would mean that i would lose a vacation home but be done with him. it's not easy. i don't have to make any decisions NOW as i have like 7 more months but i have to start pondering as time does fly andbefore i know it i'll be faced with extremely difficult decisions.

i am starting grief counseling which I desperately need but it's not kicked in yet. and i know i need more than one hour a week......

thanks everyone


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Wow Lori I can see how hard this is on you. Family relationships can be so complex and no one else understands until they are in your place.

I nor anyone else can tell you how to handle the situation with your mother and brother. Hopefully the solution will come to you in time. As for your dad's belongings I suggest that you tell your brother that if nothing has any value to him that is alright but some things do have value to you. Explain to him that you not only want but expect those things to be there waiting when you get there. If your words fall on deaf ears threaten to use the power you have. At least that way you will not lose something that may be precious to you.

We are all told that we need to forgive. That is something I have had a very hard time with. Some things are just impossible to forgive no matter how hard we try. I have learned to forgive some of the people who hurt my Johnny but others I have not. I will tell you that I have learned that to forgive does not mean that you condone a person's behavior. Forgiveness is not for the person you forgive but for your own peace. You also have to trust that God knows you and loves you well enough to forgive you for not always being able to forgive. After all none of us are perfect.

I hope that you find a solution to these problems soon. It is hard enough to deal with the death of a loved one without having so much other garbage to deal with too. My prayers will be with you. Lillian

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Lillian says it all as far as I'm concerned.

Please re-read it and try to absorb:

I will tell you that I have learned that to forgive does not mean that you condone a person's behavior. Forgiveness is not for the person you forgive but for your own peace. You also have to trust that God knows you and loves you well enough to forgive you for not always being able to forgive. After all none of us are perfect.
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first of all I am terribly sorry that you lost your dad. You seem to have allot going on and that you do need help with it.

that being said, I am not sure you completley understand what being an executor means. You do represent the estate but in as far as it is your responsibility to carry out the wishes of the will to the law and not to make the changes as you see fit. The beneficiaries under the will besides yourself can file claims against you for Fiduciary Irrisponsibility as well as other charges if you take issues upon yourself to change. Another thing is you have to first go to court to have the will submitted to probate and then you have the legal rights to distrubute the assets. Until that time as a judge appoints you your pretty much nothing to the estate. Your brother who is also a beneficiary can challenge you in court if you drag you feet in opening the estate.

You then have 7 months from the date the estate is opened to wait until all possible claims against the estate are submitted before it can be re-submitted to the court showing all bills are paid and all assets are distributed and all final taxes are paid. then the judge will sign the petition to settle the estate.

I am not trying to upset you at all and if I did I apoligize. You sound very angry and it seems that it is bothering you more than your mom or brother. Let it go....you will never change them to be what you want them to be. Its only tearing you apart. They are not you and never will feel what you do.

let it go, stay away from them if you have to. But for your own health and sanity detach yourself from the anger and live your life. You only get one go around and its short enough.

I understand your grief. I lost both parents 9 months apart. but somehow you have to take care of you, no one else will do it.

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I decided a long time ago in my life that when people consistently hurt me I have a choice. I can choose to take them where they are- with as little or as much as they have to offer. Or I could decide that their lack of concern was too much for me to handle and to let that friendship go. For my sake- for my health.

With family I can see that this would be difficult to do but my point is that you have a choice. Try to find the answer that will ultimately give you the most peace. And remember- if you decide to stop relying on these people now- it doesn't have to be final. There is always room for people to change.

Good luck.


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What Shelly said - word for word. I doubt there are very many people reading this post that don't have some type of similar situation in their families. You just have to deal with them when you have to, in a civil and friendly manner, and then leave them out of your life the rest of the time.

The only thing I would add to Shelly's wise advice about the estate is that since you said you are the executor of the estate/trust, I am assuming that a will and/or trust exist. If there is a trust, are you also the designated trustee? Both of those things (estate and trust) generally take two completely different routes in the legal system.

In Indiana, you have to have a lawyer to go through a probate court, and if the assets are equal to a certain amount of money (I think it's $25,000 now), you have to go through probate court to probate the will, and if there is no will, you still have to probate by intestate laws if the assets exceed $25,000. It's the law. All state laws are different so you must counsel with a lawyer about these things.

Everything Shelly said is correct - your desires as executor are of no consequence other than how you and your family decide to equally distribute personal property, or according to the dictates of the will or intestate succession. When you are an executor or executrix, you don't become the decision maker. Lawyers help to negotiate the assets, but the court is the final decision maker.

When the columns total up for every beneficiary, they must be equal in amount if equal distribution is given in the will. If you and your brother become joint owners, then with the court's approval, you can probably play around with the other assets so that you and your brother receive equal amounts, either in the form of cash assets or property. A lawyer will help you with this. There are lots of things that can be done with the assets to make it come out fair for everyone. Everyone may not be happy and objections can be filed with the court and eventually it will be resolved, and everyone still may not be happy, but when the court speaks, it is what it is.

All that being said, I do hope that you will be able to work through this difficult time. It's hard enough to go through a time of grief, but it is always compounded when there is a fight over assets. I just hate it when it happens, and it happens frequently.

Best of luck to you, Lori, and may God be with you.



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everything my dad owned is in a trust so there is no probate. since it's only been 2 weeks 4 days i've not yet started to discuss with the attorney. my understanding is that everything is to be divided equally, but that there are options for division in terms of who gets what even if the $$ value is equal and my father did not specifically divide anything, just left everything to me and Keith.

there is the issue of a shared house which cannot be sold and the nightmare of having to share it with my uncooperative, uncommunicative brother.. it would be EASIER in many ways to just SELL EVERYTHING and "take the money and run" so that I don't have to constantly deal with my brother in a way that is so difficult, but I do not think this is possile since my dad built a house and it would KILL him if I forced him to sell....but i'm going to let it all rest for now. STILL if anyone else wants to write, i'll be happy to hear from you. thanks so much, lori

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Lori, I think my situation is a bit like yours. My dad is my beloved one, he represents the whole concept of "family" and "Parent", he showed his endless love to me and my sister and brother plus my mom. He is a great guy like an angel that God gave me. I only can know the definition of "family" and "parent" from him, not from my mom and sister & brother. The relationship between me and other family members cannot be compared with one between me and dad. It may be called "special bond". My sister has a better relationship with mom. I think the relationship between one and one is quite funny. Like whether there is chemistry in-between. They all are not bad people, but it just happens. I think you and your brother & you and your mom has no sparkles...

Don't angry with them as they are your family members. People act strange and have bad moods especially just losing their beloved one and very busy with the funeral stuff etc.

You have lost your dad, so treasure them and try to view things on their standpoints would make you feel better I guess.

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