kimblanchard Posted March 20, 2005 Share Posted March 20, 2005 it's a long story. but basically mom was never very good at mothering. more interested in herself. had some problems. married to alcoholic, not very happy in marraige, probably should have not had children. my brother disagrees. they seem to have a decent relationshp. bottom line: i never got what i needed from my mother. i thought i forgave her. but then she keeps reinjuring me by not being there, not helping me... i feel like she had an excuse when she was with dad, but now???? when i was at my dad's for the 6 weeks before he died, an example. they are legally separated. she came over 6 times in that time. she brought me a little food but not what i asked for. one day i asked her to brush my hair. she said no, i'm not doing that. i said, mom , please, take care of the caregiver. she did it. then later i asked her to clean the stove, no i'm not doing that she said.. i know it sounds petty. but it's just a small example of asking for what i need and not getting it. i do not have the energy to relate the whole history. bottom line: i feel that i have no "use" for my mother. i cannot call her for comfort as she'll just annoy me. i 've asked her time and time again to help me with issues with my brother, such as his NOT helping me and ReFUSING to take even ONE day off from work when I was taking care of dad. and she never did. i was not as good a caregivers for my father as i could have been had i had more suport and I'm a little pissed off about that too. my brother is emotionaly handicapped... in my opinion. yesh yea he has to greive in his own way . i try to respect that. but he's not respecting me. he's telling me that we are not keeping dad's stuff, "sell it, toss it, or donate it" is what he says.....that we are not making a museum to dad... i told him that i need time as since i've been home i've had to leave twice to go to funerals (of myfiannce's family) and i was up in ny for 6 weeks and need time.... he's threatened to get a dumpster and throw out stuff that i put in the house!!! i told him that there are things of daddy's that might be of great sentimental value to me and to respect that even if he does not understand. I do not trust him to do this. i live in Washington DC and need to go to NY to start to go through dad's things and I'm fearful that he wll start throwing things out. if he does, i'm afraid of my rage. i am the executor of the estate/trust. I told him NOT to threaten me, as if I choose to I could also threaten him. I told him I know it's hard but i do not want to make things worse that they are..... I do not want it to come to my using the estate to punish him but I can do this and i will if I have to because why should he inflict suffering on me freely? I am not a vindictive person normally, in fact quite peacelike and loving but i feel so powerless and disrespected. the settling of the estate is another problem as we are supposed to have joint ownerhsip as per my father of a house but i just see this as being a nightmare because of the way he thinks and does/does not take care of things. i don't want to hurt any one. I don't want to dishonor my father's wishes. i know that he would want us to get along. but after so many years and so much hurt, i really am just short on love for this mother and brother of mine. I have read books on forgiveness. one really EXCELLENT and I think my only two choices are acceptance and cold cool relations or genuine forgiveness which would necessarily require some sort of "atonement" on their parts.. which is not going to be forthcoming. so not only did i lose my father on march 3 2005, but now have to deal with this nightmare..... i hope no one else has had this but if so please write.. anyone breaks off relations and regret it? anyone just dealt with what was and let it eat away at you? i can either settle the estate so that we have joint ownership, or i can break up the estate so that we do not, which would mean that i would lose a vacation home but be done with him. it's not easy. i don't have to make any decisions NOW as i have like 7 more months but i have to start pondering as time does fly andbefore i know it i'll be faced with extremely difficult decisions. i am starting grief counseling which I desperately need but it's not kicked in yet. and i know i need more than one hour a week...... thanks everyone lori Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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