A General Hello and update

[Fall54]

Hi Friends,

Peggy suggested I post an update on how I am doing, so here I am!

It is fast approaching a year of my Brothers death and I still think about him a lot and lie in bed and go over a lot of things said and done in his life time. I seem to be doing it more as the year approaches (June 11th)

The other day we got a new kitten and as soon as my Son brought her in the house and I took one look at her I had the sense of clouds and Heaven. She is mostly white with some tiger in her. I thought to myself I have to name her something to do with Heaven.

My hubby asked well what are we going to name her and I told him I was working on a name and told him how I felt when I first saw her.

Many years ago with 7 Brothers and Sisters we all had many nick names and who knows where this came from but my Brother Alan ( the one that is deceased) was nick named "Big Day Allie" well it went right into his adult years and sometimes a few of us would still call him that. Out of the blue "Allie" came to my head in bed and I turned to my hubby and said "I know what the kitten's name is now" and he replied "oh you do? What?" I said "Allie" and explained to him why. I was hoping he wouldnt think I was taking a back step but he never questioned it and has been calling her "Allie" ever since.

That is really not an update on how I am doing but a story I wanted to tell.

Mom will be here on June 7th to visit through June 28th. That makes me so happy because we can spend the day he passed together and will go down to pick out his favorite tree and plant it in our yard. She will also be here for his birthday and mine 19th and 21st and I just feel the need for her here then.

To tell you how I am doing is probably not what you want to hear but my hubby says and I know I have never been the same since we lost him. I stay up way too late and my hubby and I always went to bed at the same time and talked as we wound down from the day. I seem to be more at peace when I am up alone at night and therefore a lot of things have suffered in spite of that. I chew my fingernails and fingers way down until they hurt and havent chewed my nails since I was a kid and I am doing it worse now at 50. I did go off depression pills for several months but started crying again all the time and went back on them to not even get the effect as I did when my Brother was sick and passed away. I am now taking double the stregth. I almost never go anywhere unless I have to, prefering to be home, away from people and safe in my cocoon. Gee, I dont want to sound like a lost cause because I hope to climb out of what ever has its grip on me and be myself again some day. My husband says he honestly believes I will and that means a lot to me that he has hope for me. I feel so selfish writing that as I read all that are suffering here.

I do have neuropothy in my feet and two of my fingers that also depesses me quite a bit.

You, know it's hard to look at yourself sometimes and know why you are like you are but my hubby says he definatly thinks a lot of my depression is due to Alan's death still. I can talk about it, think about it and not cry. I sometimes think he is wrong but he said it started when my Brother got sick and I have never come back from that yet.

Sorry Peggy this probably isent the update you hoped to hear. We all have our burdens to bear and we just do it the best way we know how and then we have to give the rest to God.

I am giving mine to God as I know I cant do it alone. Thanks all for reading this long story for me to just tell you I am still a depressed soul.

God Bless You All and You're Families,

Jane

[Nushka]

Jane,

I hope you read this at some point and know that I am thinking of you. I have kept you on my prayer list and hope you are better soon. I know exactly how you feel about staying home where you feel safe. I do the same thing and my husband has to encourage me to get out. I know he is right and when I am more active I feel much better. I hope that you can make yourself get out more. Go to bed with your husband...wind down...talk...then if you can't sleep get back up. That time alone together is so precious. It sounds as though I am giving you instructions and I don't mean to do that at all. Just suggestions. I care about you Jane and I want only the best for you. Keep in touch when you can.

Nina

[Haylee_38]

Jane, You are always in my thoughts and prayers.

I think the name Allie is just perfect for your

new kitten. Enjoy the visit with your mom and I

also think planting the tree is a great idea.

Haylee

[kimblanchard]

Hi, Jane, I couldn't resist signing in and giving you a big HI again. You are special somehow, at least to me. It sounds like you are doing what you can and overall you are handling things in a way that works. It does change us. More of that new normal stuff in yet another way. A year is not so long for grieving. It is not just for Alan but for life as it will never be again. But life it is and we can still smell the roses. In a way. Be gentle with yourself, it might take lots of time. Your husband sounds great!! And a new kitten, too. And Spring. A new tree, perfect. It will get better, maybe just a little at a time. I sure am glad your Mom is coming.

Anyway, good to hear from you and wishing you the best. A quote from the book Illusions by Richard Bach "Here is how to know if your mission on Earth is over. If you are still here, it isn't."

Love, Margaret

[stand4hope]

Good morning, Jane,

I'm glad you posted an update even if you are having some trouble getting through the days.

I recently got an email from my brother who lives in California. It was just the usual update and questions about my guys, but he also said that in six years he was going to be 65, and then continued to tell me about some major changes they were making. He's a veterinarian with his own animal hospital, and he's going to sell his practice and move to Oregon, and a bunch of other stuff. He went on to say how my dad's recent death, my husband's illness, and even my son's illness has made him realize that he wasn't exempt from health issues. Even though he is a picture of perfect health, he talked about how he needed to be better prepared.

I'm telling you all of this because as I read his words (while I was at work), tears just began to roll down my cheeks. It just hit me so hard how everything is changing, and I wrote back to him expressing those words. I told him that it just seemed like we were still kids, and that I couldn't believe he would be 65 so soon, and it was just so hard to see everything changing.

You're 50 years old, and things are changing for you, too. Not only did you lose your dear brother, but it's tough to hit 50, see your kids get married (which you have in the past year), see yourself and your spouse getting older, some dreams fading, maybe losing our parents and grandparents, and just getting past all the changes that occur in your life during this time.

I know this sounds rather depressing and may not help at all, but I just sense that it's not just Alan's death, but that you are moving into a new phase of your life. It's a time when, yes, there are hardships and changes, and way too many of them, but it's also a wonderful time when some of the pressures of our younger years disappear. I, for one, would never want to go back and go through all the things I had to go through to get where I am today. Sure, things are tough now, but, Jane, you will get better.

I really think that we grow through these tough times, and if we allow ourselves to feel the pain, experience the pain, and then let it go as a natural part of living, we can move on and enjoy our lives. We can tickle and hold sweet little babies and then, with a grateful grin, hand them back to their parents. We will go ahead and let the dogs jump up on the bed because, what the heck, it's just a few dog hairs. We just get more relaxed about things and don't make an issue out of the small stuff anymore.

I've just been through an ordeal with my auto dealership that has just been a comedy of errors, taking my car in, not getting it fixed right, taking it back again, and then taking it back again, and then they couldn't fix it for another reason. This past Sat. I waited 2 hours only to have them come out and say they needed more time. When I talked to the scheduling lady on Monday, she just went on and on and on about how sorry they were, and I just couldn't express to her enough how it was no big deal and that we would just reschedule. I just wasn't upset at all. It was just no big deal to me. It was just another one of those things that's just going to happen and I've got other much more important things in my life right now to get upset about. Anyway, they're giving me a free detailing, so in the end, I came out a winner.

So to summarize a way too long response, maybe you should dig out the old tape that has the song "Don't worry, be happy." I just loved that song, and will close with "Jane, don't worry, be happy."

All my love and prayers for healing,

Peggy

[Don Wood]

Hi, Jane. Good to see your post. My thoughts are with you. Don

[terriep]

Hi Jane, so glad to hear from you! I think Allie is a wonderful name for a kit-kat! We recently brought home a little kitten ourselves, what a joy! I never had one at home, and I was always EXTREMELY allergic - of course I was practically allergic to EVERYTHING! Now that my tumor is gone I have very few allergies, and when we needed a cat for the field mice problem, we adopted little Lily. She is an orange tiger striped (??) kitten of 10 weeks. Boy, do I enjoy spoiling her!!!

I continue to keep you in my prayers,

[Ann]

Jane, it is so good to hear from you and get an update on how you are doing. I know June 11th will be a hard day for you. Anniversaries, birthdays and holidays are all still very hard for me to handle. It seems like I become a basket case when these date approach. June 10th would have been Dennis's 53rd birthday. I know that will be a hard day for me to deal with. I can definitely relate to the comfort you fel in those late nights of thinking. I love the night and times I have alone to think....and remember. I also seem to think of Dennis a lot when I'm in the shower. Everytime I shower, I remember how hard it was near the end for me to help him in and out of the shower. But...for some reason, I seem to feel "connected" while in the shower. I think getting the kitten is an absolutely wonderful idea and the name is purely purrfect!!!! I recently watched an old Disney movie "FLUKE." It's such a great liitle movie about a dog that begine to recall his previous life as a man and makes his way back to his wife and son. It had its moments of making me teary eyed. I guess I too often "reach" for things and signs that I have some connection with Dennis. After watching that movie, I look at animals in a much different light! Please keep in touch and know that I will be praying you through June 11th.

[Frank Lamb]

Jane,thank you for the update.I like the others think of you often and hope and pray you are doing OK.

[Fall54]

Thank you all for your warm and encouraging posts. Yesterday was another bad day for me. I take care and provide a home for 3 mentally handicapped men. One man has lived with us 15 years. Yesterday they DX him with colon cancer. I am so sad for him. Today they did a cat scan and said they do not see that it has spread. The tumour they did find in his colon is huge though, very close to a complete blockage. They will operate on June 1st. He is 67 yrs old and I am asking you all to put him on your prayer list.

God bless you all,

Jane

[dadstimeon]

Hi Jane, Nice to see you post. Sorry to hear that. Prayers things will work out for the best. Rich