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Year One


niececola

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This Sunday will be one year that my dear mom lost her battle to lung cancer. I hate the way that sounds "lost her battle....” We are the ones who have lost...a loving wife, mother, sister and friend. I know my mom is with God and I hold onto that fact whenever the pain is too great, because she is no longer suffering, no longer in pain, no longer afraid and I will see her again one day.

I have spent this week reading back over my old posts, not such a great idea, trust me. It was such a difficult road at times. Most of the time. I did not always understand the way she choose to deal with her LC, especially in the beginning, but when I finally let go and realized my role was to support her decisions, things became a little easier. As much as I want my mom back, I must admit, I do not miss those times of anxiety and fear.

What I do miss is my best friend, I miss my mom calling me "chick" (my nickname she used all my life), I miss our phone calls, I miss her at our family parties, she was always the center of attention, I am sad that just as she conquered her life long battle with panic attacks and agoraphobia, she was diagnosed with LC and that her and my father were robbed of their lives together, I am sad when I look at Clover, because she is SOOO my mom's dog and if my mom was to come back tomorrow, she would drop us all like a hot potato! :D

But what I am thankful for is this...because I want to end this on a somewhat positive note, because I know my mom would not want us crying all the time. I am so thankful and blessed that she was my mother for 33 years. I LOVE it when people say I am my mother's daughter, I would not have it any other way. I am sarcastic and outspoken (at times) just like her, I am outgoing and love to talk with people, just like her. She taught me to not take life too seriously, to love your family and friends and to be loyal to them.

I am thankful for my Dad, brother Joey, and SIL Christine, for they have been my rock this past year. I have a new relationship with my Dad, something I never had before. And while I am sad that it comes after my mom's death, it is a blessing and I am lucky to have gotten to know my father so much better than before. I do feel sorry for him though, after years of not really having to deal with my drama, he is kind of at a loss of what to say sometimes! :D

I miss my mom terribly, always will. I think I am in some way still in denial over her passing, it is too much to think of and I block out those thoughts sometimes. Does anyone really get over the loss of a mom? It certainly has gotten better, but the emptiness is always there. My uncle and I are off to Ireland this Sunday to visit with my mom’s family. I am so excited to go and see them, but it will be a tough day for all of us. It will be good to spend time with them, they loved my mom and I know my mom is pleased that my uncle and I are going over, she so desperately wanted to go, but never made it. I know she will be with us in spirit though.

Thanks for listening to my ramblings. Thank you to everyone here, for you have been a constant source of support and love and I don’t know what I would have done without you. And thank you to my dear sisters, Andrea, Andrea and Natalie, just love you girls!

Please keep my family in your thoughts and prayers this weekend and I will do the same.

Love,

Denise

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Oh Denise,

Thank you for this post today. I'm praying that this day is gentle and kind to you with alot of good memories of your mom to sustain you.

I recently pulled and printed all my posts (the ones regarding my dad from dx. to passing)...boy you are right..it isn't a good idea--it brought me right there..to that very moment and I felt every anxiety, every heartbreak, every minute of despair I had at the end. I bound them (54 pages) and put them in my ceder chest along with a scrapbook I made of his last year with me. It's something I might like when I am older or my kids might like one day.

I'm keeping all of you in my prayers today for comfort and strength.

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Know what? Your post inspired me today to make sure that I am relishing the time I have with my mom. I spend too much time worrying and anxious of what is around the corner. I know we all do this because these are our loved ones, but I definitely need to do more celebrating. Thanks for your post. I am glad you are taking a trip, sounds very nice.

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Denise, I will definitely be thinking of you on Sunday saying a little prayer for you and your family. I am so glad that, one year later, you are able to look for the positive things that came from your mom's illness and death. It took me so long to do this but once I did so, the healing seemend much easier. You are so right, 33 years with such a wonderful mom was indeed a wonderful blessing. If asked, I'm sure she would agree that 33 years with a wonderful daughter was an equal blessing.

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Denise,

I really don't think anyone can ever get over the loss of a mother.

Especially a mother that has such a special place in our heart, as it is so obvious that YOUR mother has.

She sounds like such a wonderful woman....how lucky for you to carry so many traits from her. I feel so much the same way when someone says you are acting just like your mother. What a wonderful compliment when I hear those sweet words.

I hope you enjoy your trip to Ireland......let us know how your trip was when you get back!!!!

Melinda

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Denise,

You are much stronger than I could ever be. I don't think I could ever reread my posts from when Earl was sick.

I hope you will always miss your Mother, how lucky you are to have loved her so much and to have had such a close and loving relationship. My Mother died in 1968 and I still talk to her, sometimes out loud.

Have a great trip to Ireland, lift a toast to your dear Mother.

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My Dear Denise,

I have been thinking of you knowing the anniversary was coming up. You are an amazing woman and you continue to make your mom proud.

I just went back and read my journal entries...from her diagnosis, through the "battle", her death and how I coped afterwards. I can say I am much healthier now, but miss her so badly. I will never ever get over her loss.

Please know you are never alone...I feel like fate gave me you to help see me through this dark time. And I am here to see you through too.

Have a wonderful trip to Ireland. I will be thinking of you (as I always do).

My love to you.

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Denise,

You did have a wonderful, loving relationship with your mom which you will always treasure. You will forever miss your mom but it does get easier ---although not a day goes by that I don't think of my mom.

I will be thinking of you on Sunday and will say an extra prayer for you and your family.

gail p-m

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Denise,

I hope Sunday passes for you peacefully, that first anniversary is sooo hard..Your post was beautiful and inspiring to those that have lost loved ones, I felt a sence of peace when reading it..

I know your mom was sooo proud of the woman you are, and I know she had seen her traits in you and was able to smile at who you have become...

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I am glad you had a place to bring your thoughts on the anniversary of your mom's death. I too hate the "lost the battle" idea, and it sounds like your mom was definately a winner!

There's no way you won't feel the pain, so I'll wish you peace of mind and a beautiful trip to Ireland! I'm sure it will be an emotional trip, but it's such a warm, welcoming place and your family will be SO glad to see a little piece of your mom (you!) - you'll have fun, I know it.

xoxo

amie

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Denise,

I have just returned from spending my mother's one year anniversary with my sister. She died on August 19th.

Please know you are not alone. We totally understand and are right here with you.

To be honest, the days leading up to her death were the worst. It's as if you are reliving the 'saying Goodbye' all over again.

The day that she actually died was easier than we had anticipated. Maybe because we do know that she is no longer suffering and she can even walk/dance/run again. (The mets had attacked her spinal cord rendering her paralyzed from the chest down.

Do you have anything special planned for that day or the day before?

Much love and prayers to you and your family as you work through this time.

In His care,

Tammy

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Denise,

I'm glad you are going on a trip with your uncle and hope that being with a family member will bring you a bit of comfort. I wrote you a long email, but your work denied it and I didn't have it saved so now I'm a bit at a loss of words. There's no one on this world that can fill that void of your mom. You are going to miss her always...but I hope that when the positive memories start over weighing the negative ones, you will find that it doesn't hurt as much to think about her and miss her. I think your positive outlook is very inspiring and your mom would be proud of the strong woman you've become.

From my mother's daughter to your mother's daughter...

love always,

Nat

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