jumble of emotions

[shelliemacs]

For a few weeks now I have been all over the board with my emotions. I am going to try to get them all out and maybe someone can tell me I am normal or really messed up.

when my mom was first dx. I was a mess. I was sure she was gonna die and probably fast too. You hear "CANCER" and there is (in my own mind) no surviving cancer. Then after the first few chemos when there was great shrinkage in her tumor I thought "My mom for sure has got this beat" and she will be the lucky one who never gets it back....why did I feel this way, well cause it was my mom and I was praying non stop and there was no way GOD would let us down. It was my duty to pray as hard as I could and make my mom well.

then the brain mets happened and although it was a set back we were told "no problem" radiatin gets them. so although it was a stumble, I was right back to my cocky "moms gonna kick cancer butt" attitude. Then about 1 month ago (6 months after dx. ) she started having trouble swallowing and coughing allot again. I was sure it was not cancer and it was a problem with the thyroid gland or something. why was I cocky well as I said I was praying and I had to be the reason mom made it. I could not let mom down by not praying and letting the cancer return.

Sure enough 2 weeks ago saturday. the doc said. "yep the tumor is back" wow did that hurt. I let mom down. I didn't pray right or hard enough or something like that. Now my mom was sad and scared again and it was my fault. then the next day we got hit with Pneumonia and a collapsed lung. I hated god and everyone at that second.

How could my mom have a collapsed lung when she wasn't even breathing hard. well the first week in the hospital passed and again the "shock" was accepted and we had a chemo already administered in the hospital and I was sure "this one will definitely work now" so I apologized to god and started praying again just as hard.

then last monday we thought there was a problem with the feeding tube so back into the ER we went (only was released 2 days before after 1 week stay) well feeding tube was A-ok and while waiting for wheelchair to let her go I was holding her hand and all of a sudden Grand Mal Seizure. I was trembling standing there watching this unfold right before my eyes. I could not breath, I just trembled.

so another week in the hospital started and MRI showed tiny legion but we knew it was there from MRI 2 weeks before. They say its dead scar. EEG was normal so we assumed it was combo Morphine and new chemo that she could not handle and that gave seizure. (also told could be side effect of full head radiation)

now 2 days ago mom released again. She is on oxygen at home. all meds and food go through tube. She cant even suck on ice without choking so for that I am sure chemo must not be working. why. cause after first chemo previously we knew in 7 days it was working cause she could eat. now 14 days after new chemo started, still cant even take water without choking. She gasps for air and is very very weak.

I read where taxotere can cause side effects that make your feet swell and shortness of breath and rash. All of which she has.

now to my point....one minute I am thinking I am prepared for moms death. I cant stand to see her suffer and she cries allot because she is scared. I can't pray harder. Its just not working. So i rationalize it in my mind that if she passes on, her suffering is over and I will be ok knowing she isn't suffering anymore. THEN when I first wake up in the morning. the depression that over whelms me is steiffeling. I can't loose her. she is my mom. I have got to do something to save her. but what??? How can I possible go on without her. She is my best friend. I cant imagine life without her. she is only 61 its not right god can't possible need her yet.

so the question of his existance rings back in my ears. WHY CANT YOU HEAR ME GOD??????? what will my step dad do without her, she is his whole life. how can any moment after she leaves us ever have joy or happiness again. HOW DO YOU GO ON??????????

am I the only one who feels this way. in the back of my head somewhere I am still sure MY mom wont die and leave me. but in the front of my head, i just am panicked with grief already.

sorry for the book. just gotta talk to someone.

[Carolsdaughter]

Oh Sweet Shel,

I hear what you are saying.

It is normal.

How do you go on? FAITH

Faith in knowing the God is real and it is Him who is in control. We can only act in faith then turn the rest over to Him. Many things such as cancer, are just to big of a burden for us to carry. He has promised that if we do our part we can turn the rest over to Him.

Shel, you are doing your part very well. I am crying with you. I feel your pain. I wish that I could speak with you, I will call you if you wish.

Try and take just one day at a time and you only have to do your very best for that one day. Each day you renew your promise to just do your very best for that one day. This is the only way we can get through a crisis.

I pray that you will be strengthened through all of this. I pray that your mom won't suffer. Nobody can predict what tomorrow will bring. I pray that each day will bring you sunshine.

You are in my thoughts.

Hugs, Shelly

[Don Wood]

Shelly, you're very normal. You're being put through the wringer along with your mom. You are doing what you can, and that is all you can do. We are all on that roller coaster of emotion and definitely can relate to your dilemma. Hang in there. Don

[norme]

My Dear Shelly,

I feel your hurt. I posted yesterday under Greiving that my mom went to heaven 31 yrs ago yesterday and it still hangs with me. There is nothing like each person's "mom". But we do go on, some of us become mom's ourselves and hope that our loved one's go through our own death better then we did our mom's and dad's.

I am sure God is listening to you, but, he may have a very important job he needs your mom to do for Him. We all know when we are born that there will be a day when we to will die. We don't know how we will die, but it is going to happen. Should I come down with this horrible disease, I will not blame God for he did not cause this disease, man did....I smoked for over 30 years so it could happen...in fact, I expected it to happen to me, not my husband...

If we all prayed for our loved one's not to die, and God answered each prayer, then no one would die. The earth is not heaven and that is what we strive for, to live our enternal life with God in heaven. I know that when I go, I will be with my dear husband, mom, dad, sister and brother, my son and his family and all my dear dear friends when the time comes for eternity. I have lost four of my dearest friend, three to cancer and one to heart, we all grew up together from the first grade to the twelth. We laughted together and we cried together all our lives. I know they are up in heaven having a great time and waiting for me because I was the first one to drive a car and boy did we have fun. One of them, her name was Shirley, said when we were young, that she wanted to be just like me, - - driving, one hand on the wheel and the other one out the window with a cig in it.. That cig did her in, not God...

So, I hope this helps you in some way to right now, don't cry for what might be happening, have joy to be with your mom and help her through these hard hard times. Be the daughter she can count on for she to needs a shoulder to cry on at times....for she will be missing you and your step-dad but someday, you all will again be together where there is no cancer.

God love you, your mom and step-dad....

[kimblanchard]

Dear Shelly,

Of course your emotions are normal and I can relate to what you are feeling. It is so horrible to watch those we love suffer. You say, what is the point of this????????? Just continue to love and be by your mom. She knows you love her very much.

Blessings to you both,

Peg

[cathy]

Dear Shellie,

I know exactly how you feel. I am going through the same scenerio with my dad right now. My dad is 71 and I feel he is too young. I see people all the time that are older than him walking around and I think, Why cant God just let us keep him here just like than person over there. My dad is not doing very well right now either. Its too complicated to get into, but anyway now I know I am normal because of your post. Sometimes I will be shopping and I'll see through the corner of my eye a man walking and I'll think for a split second its my dad, (my dad has been in a wheelchair for the past couple months) then reality hits, and that hurts when it hits. I know our parents wouldnt want us to be in pain because of their illness, so try to be strong, its soo hard I know. I dont have any answers to your questions on WHY, I just want you to know you are normal as well as me and all the other family members here. Its devasting, its gut wrenching, its unfair, its heartbreaking and it hurts like nothing else I have ever felt, however I really am still waiting for a miracle, thats all we have.

[marta]

Dear Shellie,

I know exactly how you feel. It seems as if there is some reason why this can't be happening to me and my 45 year mom either. She's my best friend, and the person I spoken to EVERY day for 22 years of my life. I've got a lot of living to do..marriage,children, graduate school. With my mom as sick as she is, I know that there is a very strong possiblity that she won't be there to see those things. The thought of this is pretty much unbearable.

When you said your mom is young, and Cathy said her dad is too young to have this happen, I had a realization. Everyone, no matter how old (or young) that has this disease is TOO YOUNG. I lost my grandma (at 61) to LC and now my mom at 45 is suffering too. I often see old people (like cathy said) and think that its not fair that they get to live to see their grandchildren. But then again, those are someones parents too. And when they die, their children will believe that they were too young as well. So, my point is that there will never ever be a way (or time) for our parents to leave us when we think "Its okay, they're old enough to die now" Their death, however it comes, will be as painful when we are 22, 45 or 60.

I'm 22 and an only child. And my mom is my world too. But I take a lot of comfort in the fact that we are all mortal. We have to die...somehow..at some point. And no matter when that is, it is never going to feel right. Its gonna hurt like hell. I hate the fact that your mom is suffering, and I hate the fact that cancer takes away so much from us. But this is God's plan, and we have to have faith in that.

When I was 18, my best friends father committed suicide. When we talk now, she's resentful of me because she knows that I have time with my mom that she didn't get to have with her dad (she never got to say goodbye). And I'm resentful of her because she didn't have to live every day with the knowledge that her dad was dying. So, I think its all relative. Death sucks no matter how or when it happens. We have to take comfort in the little victories and the memories we were given. I know that the man upstairs has a bigger plan.

Shellie, try to stay away from bitterness. If we become bitter at the thought of losing our mom's, we've let life's certainties (and cancer) win the fight. There are things we can't change, and this is one of them.

I am thinking of you every day and praying for your family

Love

Laura

[Karma1976]

Shelly if ONLY you could read my journal entry last night!!! I am so pissed it is insane. sometimes when i am by myself i cry my eyes out cause i can not comprehend life. i do not get it...see i thought my dad "paid his dues" he had a massive heart attack and mouth and throat cancer BOTH which he was a survivor of, so why should this kill him??? why why did he have to get cancer AGAIN???? and my poor mom her life has shi_ massively loosing everyone at a young age and orphan and then loosing your husband??? I do not get it?

Obviously anger is not the solution but we all have feelings that we can NOT supress. I think it is good to get the anger out cause i pent it up too long and until after he was gone.

Most of you still have your loved ones here, PLEASE PLEASE Give them a HUGE squeeze for me, cause every day i dream about being able to give him just one more hug to sum up all that should have been said.

[Debaroo]

Shellie, your feelings are absolutly normal, as everyone that has posted before me has said...and don't let anyone tell you otherewise. I guess there is always a process, stages that we go through-whether it is because someone has died, or someone is sick.

I felt the same as you did when my dad was first diagnosed, I thought :this is it...You see, two very important men in my families lives: my uncle and my dads best friend both died of lung cancer-very quickly-and so I thought my dad would follow the same scenario...then when he did so well for a year, I thought, 'Dads different. He's got faith, he's strong, positive outlook and all- he can beat this thing.' Then in May things just sort of started going downhill...It all started after my moms diagnosis with ovarian cancer. Then I think, if she didn't get sick, it wouldn't have taken such a huge toll on my dad and he'd be OK. But who knows.

Dad hasn't been the same since. Oh, and my parents cancelled the Disney vacation that they were supposed to take with my husband, children and me. I thought it was a goal that Daddy could aim for, but the dr's said that he probably shouldn't fly, because the constantly changing air pressure could damage his lungs. But if he could get a flight that would allow him to bring oxygen, or take Amtrack or drive, than he should, by all means, go. They opted to say no.

I hope that you don't feel so alone. I hope that you don't feel that you are being punished for some cosmic reason-and that you are responsible for your moms illness. Please don't, Shellie. Your intentions are sooo admirable. You love your mom so much, and you've been so supportive on this board to so many people.

Give yourself permission to be on that emotional rollercoaster.

My grandmother died when I was 13. SHe suffered for quite some time before she died. I remember thinking "noone will ever laugh again...no one will ever be happy again." I mean, how could they be? A wonderful, caring woman was gone... and she had suffered SO MUCH...then I went to the wake... and then to the funeral, and during the three day process of the wake and funeral and after funeral get together was so amazing. People were telling stories about my grandmother, stories that I'd heard, stories that I hadn't heard. Stories that made her live within my heart...and do you know what else? People were LAUGHING, sometimes through tears, but LAUGHING! It was actually so comforting and so, well, beautiful. And Grandma wouldn't have had it any other way.

I guess the hardest part of someone that we love dying is giving ourselves permission to live. But as we live, and tell our stories about those that we have loved and that have passed on, we also keep them alive.

I hope this was of some help. I hope that you feel some type of relief in knowing that you are not alone. And that alot of people that you've never met personally-really care...about you and your mom. Please take care of yourself, too, Shellie. We are here. Deb

[Andrea B.]

Dear Shelly, I read your post and felt like I was reading what I might write if someone asked me to express my emotions. There are days I sob, because I can't fathom losing my mom, my best friend. What would our family do without her? How would I go on living? Then there are days that I come to grips with the terms of losing my mom. I think to myself, my mom is so strong so I need to be too. I do find a strength I didn't know I had but I don't always know how to lean on it. When my mom was diagnosed, I beat myself up and said that this happened because of something I did. God is mad at me because I didn't go to church or I said something I shouldn't have. Then I stop to think, it isn't because of something I did it just happened.

The other day I was sitting at my parents' house with my mom as my daughter swam in her blow up pool. I thought to myself, even though my mom has cancer these moments are absolutely blissful to me. If this disease hadn't happened, I might not have learned to really slow down in life and enjoy these moments for what they are. Oh yes, I do wish my mom didn't have this disease, but I am going to do the most in helping my mom know she is truly loved, supported and cared about.

My grandma passed away from a massive heart attack almost 10 years ago. There were no goodbyes, no last moments. I always worried, "did she know how much I truly loved her?". I don't ever want to have to wonder if my mom and dad know how much I love them, so I make the moments count.

This all said, yes I still have my days of roller coaster emotions. I think I am truly okay and other days I can't get out of bed. But what I try to do most is learn from all of this and make my life better. We are only give one life and I know my mom would want me to live it to the fullest.

I want you to know that you are not alone. Please reach out whenever you need support. I continue to pray for you and your mom.

[mday]

Shelley your post brought tears to my eyes and everything you mentioned about your emotions I have thought about also. I haven't been through all that you have, but it is still painful to think about losing a wonderful parent and friend. You will be in my thoughts and prayers.

[Donna D]

Shelly,

I went through the same exact feelings just 3 weeks ago during Mom's final days. You are normal, this disease is the the S_B that destroys us all. I miss her so much, but she is no longer in the pain that tore us all apart. Keep the faith, there were days I felt no one could feel what I was feeling. But you are not alone in any of this. We are here for you, you need to vent and question. We are crying with you. Let us know what else we can do for you.

Dona[/b]

[sophia88]

I have had those same feelings. Like why is my whole world falling apart at once. But just when I think I am as angry as I can get Dad will tell a joke or get up from one of his famous mega naps and say something wild..like bet you guys thought i was down and out...or glad you didn't give my shoes away while I was sleeping....it is heck to watch them struggle this unbearable battle and probably natural we get ticked off at times..hang in there...we are all doing the best we can do...bless you

[tmaizeinlv]

I'm with you too, darlin. I don't know which is the worst: guilt, frustration, anger, sorrow. Unfortunately, my mother is still choosing not to fight for her life; she is being totally passive, letting this thing happen to her. She's accepting treatment, but refusing to learn about it and the side effects, refusing to seek counseling, refusing to do anything but sit in the darkened family room, waiting to die. There are hundreds of resources available, but she refuses to use them. It just makes me furious! And then I feel guilty for feeling angry. She has also shut me out 100%; refuses to take my phone calls (I'm long distance). When I do go to visit, everything I do is wrong and everything that goes wrong is my fault. When I call and get my dad on the phone, he lets me know what a pain in the butt it is for him to talk to me and how much my calls aren't welcome. Now mind you, we didn't have a falling out before this; we've always been close.

The good news is that my boyfriend is going with me tomorrow to Omaha (we live in Vegas) and is going to be with me/us for her cat scan on Friday. He will be able to help my dad, and I'm hoping he can talk my dad into a second opinion/consultation and into getting her/them more counseling. We're praying for good news and since the tumors we could see and feel before are no longer evident, I think we will have good news. Which makes her refusal to learn, fight, stand up for herself, all the more frustrating. There's a time when it's time to give up, but this isn't it!

Enough of my pity party. I guess I'm writing this partly to get it off my chest and also to help you understand that you're no more abnormal than me! (See, I do still have some sense of humor left!)

Hang in there, keep praying, make the most of every day, and know you're in my thoughts and prayers.

Terre

[Ann]

Shelly...

Your post brought back a flood of emotions that I went through last November and December, just before losing Dennis on December 15th. Dennis had just turned 50 and like you, I felt this was way too young for God to call. I also felt very secure that we would win this battle and his cancer would be gone after chemo. The first test results were awesome! Tumors were shrinking rapidly and most were disappearing. I thought we were on top of the world! Then....as suddenly as the great news had arrived, the bad news came. The chemo was no longer working. New tumors were back. New treatment could be tried...no guarantees. Of course, there were never any guarantees. Frankly, although I was also very "cocky" and depended on the doctors and meds to take care of this for me, I really never believed we could beat this monster! I believed in God. I begged with God to spare my husband. I bargained with God, asking him to take me instead, as Dennis could get along easier without me than I could without him. I finally got to the point that I truly believed God had turned his back on me. I took it very personally that he was not answering my prayers. But you know, he did answer my prayer. In the final two weeks, Dennis suffered very much. He wasn't even the person I had known as my husband for 25 years. I looked at him as I cared for him daily and only wished (and prayed) that he would be free of the pain and suffering...and God did answer that prayer. On the morning Dennis died, I stood at the foot of his bed and uttered this prayer..."God, I beg of you to heal Dennis and make him well again but if you cannot see fit to do this, please don't allow him to linger and suffer any longer." Dennis died within an hour of this prayer. Caretakers often feel guilty, although we do all we can possibly do. We deal with such a roller coaster of emotions....ups, downs, denial. Sorry to ramble on but I wanted you to know that what you are feeling is perfectly normal. I still pray...because God does hear and does answer prayers. We just don't always understand why things happen as they do. I will remember you in my prayers tonight ,

[LindaMRG]

Hi Shellie,

Ive been thinking about you for the last two weeks, every day, wondering how you and your mother were doing.

I feel sooo much of what you feel. One minute Im strong, the next minute I get overwhelmed with sadness and fear. It wakes me out of my sleep knowing that the original PET scan in 7/02 showed the tumor was "nothing to worry about" it didnt light up. So the oncologist watched it and the next PET was 4/03 which DID LIGHT UP!! He wouldve been a Stage Ia last year, now he's IIIa trying to get through chemo with his half shot bone marrow from lymphoma.

I have no patience with some of my friends complaining about stupid things. I dont want to hear how they get annoyed with their parents, I want to scream "BUT YOUR FATHER IS HEALTHY" WHY DOES MINE HAVE TO HAVE LUNG CANCER!!!!!

I feel like I carry a sadness all the time that no one but all of you on this board understands. My father is only 63, young like your mom.

You should find comfort in knowing you are doing EVERYTHING you could possibly, humanly do for your mother. You have prayed your heart out, cared for her, been there for her, walked this journey with her. You are a wonderful, wonderful daughter.

Please email me if you need a friend.

[Guest canuckwebgrrl]

Shelly,

Everything in your post was familiar to me as well. I have had those feelings too, I think we all have. We are taught as children that we should behave in a certain way. Toys are to be shared with siblings and friends because that's fair. I, like KatieB, relied on info. rather than prayer, but the result is the same: NOT FAIR. That's the way I see it anyway.