Thank you everyone

[MarkG]

Oh my gosh, I spent a year with the knowledge, along with Leslie, that the day would come that I may be without her. It was a very difficult year, along with a lot of happy, bonding moments between us. In a strange way, it was one of the best years for us together. But still, it was in our face, the knowledge of cancer within Leslie. I have to say, she was so strong through it all. She saved me the worry by being so strong. I admired her strength so........ She worried about me more than herself, right to the end. When she was transfered to Denver, I was a few hours behind her before getting to the hospital. The staff mentioned several times how worried she was about me, not herself. She told me she was so worried that no one would be here to take care of me if she wasn't here. I told her I'd be ok. Boy was I wrong!! I am not ok, at least right now. Even with all the thought and preparation, and discussion with Leslie about how I would handle being without her, I can say no amount of preparation can ready you for the sense of loss.

I have her ashes here now. It doesn't bother me too much. But I look at the box and just am amazed that's all she is now, a box of chipped bone and ash. She will stay with me a while until her life long friend, Sally, comes to retrieve her. We will bury her remains in Placeville, California in Sally's backyard with a new little tree, as Leslie wished. Leslie loved trees. She was the ultimate tree hugger!! She would hug trees. In our backyard there is a gigantic willow tree. She loved that tree, and would hug it. She said she felt it's life force.

I will come here quite often to vent. This experience is something that many seem to not comprehend outside of this place, althought they are gracious. I know they don't understand. I can only say that sometime in almost everyone's life, they will understand. It is a part of life. My co-workers sympathize, but some admit they can't even imagine what it's like. My boss has been wonderful, but even he says he cannot comprehend the loss. He gets me back into regular work mode, or at least tries. I told him that I am not 100% right now, but will do the best I can. I loose focus, want to do well, but admit I am barely up to the task. I hope next week brings more focus for me at work.

I am lonely here. No family nearby. But it's funny, I don't want to be alone, but don't want company either. It's a strange, limbo sort of state of mind. I only wnat Leslie here. I talk in the house as if she's here. When I come home from work I say "I'm home honey, what's for dinner", or "what would you like to do tonight?" Seem weird, but it may help just a tinge. I have not been able to remove her under garments from the dresser. I don't even want to think of throwing out her underwear, which I know I must do eventually. But it just feels like if I do, I'm throwing her away. I just leave the drawers as is and don't open.

Well, I could go on and on. I wish some of you were close enough to come visit, I really do. Seems we're all spread out around the country, and world! I used all my vacation, sick and berevement time, have to accumulate time again before I can venture out on a journey. But later this year I will. Maybe I can connect with some of you guys later this year.

I will tell more stories about Leslie as time moves forward. She was a multi-talented person, a genious, literally, very high IQ. She was a book worm. I have boxes and boxes of books, every single one she had read. One of our moving vans was practically all books when we moved to Colorado.

Ok, I won't write a novel here. But I will write more later. Once I'm beginning to get out of my greif, I will be happy to help others with the pain I am learning to deal with, myself. I wan to help any and all of you. I am that kind of guy, I suppose. I love nothing more than giving of myself to others. Right now I realize I need to receive the same that I would normally be giving. So if any one needs me, advice, a shoulder, just to talk, please contact me. If I can help in even the smallest way, I will be fullfilling my life's desire, to help make this world, this life we share, maybe just a little bit better for people.

All my best to all of you,

Mark

[Kasey]

((((Mark)))),

I read EVERY word you wrote and then read them all again. I so feel your grief. Please don't feel badly coming here for the support you need right now. Leslie gave SO MUCH to SO MANY.......time for you to collect, ya know?

I am not at all surprised about ANY of the things you have shared about Leslie. I know she was super smart. She knew quotes, authors, books......you name it. She was going to help me by teaching me some tricks for navigating and finding things on the net. She told me she would research and find whatever I needed. She was so giving.

Finally, I understand exactly about your feeling lonely but not wanting anybody. I GET it!!!! I have not walked in your shoes, Mark, but I still feel I have an understanding that many may not. I know others here will be able to help you along this leg of the journey better than I. But I want you to know I am here. Hope you still have my #.

Many hugs to get you through the weekend.

Kasey

[Don Wood]

Mark, my friend, glad you came and expressed yourself, and I do hope you will do that from time to time. I face what you are facing, but since it is not yet happened, I can't imagine what it is like to lose a mate. As you say, no amount of preparation really prepares you for losing a spouse. Take care. Don

[michelepal]

Mark,

I'm really glad you can find some comfort in coming to the board,I just wish there was someting we could do to make this easier for you. Loss SUCKS but there's nothing we could do about it but try to live our lives and hope in time the pain won't be so strong. I know losing a spouse is the hardest loss but the loss of my Dad was is really taking a toll on me. My Dad was one of the best! He was my Dad and my best friend,I would call him when something would happen (good or bad)and know it's gone.. I miss him soooooo much..

So please if you ever need to vent were all here for you.

(((()))))Michele

Dad DX 04-01-05

Passed Away 11-18-05 only 66 years old

[Ry]

What a wonderful tribute to Leslie. I am glad you shared that with us. I often wish we were all closer too-- and that there really was a Cindi's Pub where we could all stop for a drink. Take care Mark.

Rochelle

[J.C.]

Mark,

I do understand the missing and after all this time

I still call when I get home or before I leave.

That I will never stop doing, it saved me so many

times from breaking down and kept me sane.

We are here for you, you are not alone when you write to us, we are there with you and as we all

know in different ways Leslie it is easy to communicate.

Take care and hope to see you often here.

Hugs to all the gang.

Jackie

[Miami Janet]

Hi Mark,

Sounds like you are doing as well as anybody could expect at a time like this. Certainly dont rush to clean out her things...it is so soon..of course you cant do it. I still cant bear to give away my Moms clothes after 3 months. Keep going one day at a time and one day it will be a little better.

Janet

[Carleen]

Mark I am so happy to see you posting here.

I read and reread your post because I could just feel from your words just how much you love Leslie, and your sense of loss of that great love must be really profound. Of course you are not 100% yet, and I can understand how difficult it must be to have to deal with the mundane chores of seeing to her things.

But I guess I would suggest you listen to your heart and listen to your body. It will tell you when it is time to clear her drawers. I know some people talk about the need to move forward and get on with life, but that doesn't mean you have to rush it. Life will happen in its own time and in its own way. Unless you are in dire need of drawer space, leave her things where they bring you comfort. There is no right or wrong way to grieve, there is only what is right for you to get through each day.

I also understand your desire to be supportive and help others. Leslie was always so loving and supportive to so many here, including me. She really was a special lady, and you must be a special man for her to have loved you so much. I too am a lot like you. I live only for the joy I get from giving of myself and my love. But also give yourself the benefit of accepting our love and support at this time when your soul mind and body are depleted. We would also love to help you get back to 100%. This is a tough road, and we will always be here to help you travel down it, good or bad we are here for you.

Keith and I send our love to you, and will keep you in our prayers.

[Don M]

Hi Mark: you have expressed your grief very well in your post. I hope the pain of your loss seems a little bit less each day.

Don M

[shineladysue]

(((Mark))),

God Bless you. Your post is so beautiful and your thoughts touch me deeply. I hope you will stay with us, we need you. You have two gifts to offer... the gift of yourself and the continuing gift of Leslie's memory. I pray time will heal your broken heart.

Love and Prayers,

Sue

[Maryanne]

Hi Mark.

I am so glad you posted as I was worried about you and hoping you were alright.

Leslie's presence is missed so much here also. I can tell by all her posts what a special young lady she was. She was very articulate and gave so much of herself in helping others here.

I certainly could believe that she was not thinking of herself during her illness but of you. She was the type of person who always put others first.

There is a big void here also Mark.

In a small way I feel like you. You come home from work and say honey I'm home. I get on the support board and still look for her posts.

Bless you Mark, I pray for strength for you to get through this. I know you feel you never will, but one day you will feel again, as you know that is what Leslie would want.

Heaven received a special angel.

I am thrilled that you want to continue coming here to lend your support. We could use all the support there is, especially the newcomers who are so scared.

You come back whenever you can. We are always here for you.

Thank you for opening up and sharing all those inner feelings. I know Leslie can't wait for those ashes to feel the tenderness of the tree.

Maryanne

[RandyW]

WRITE away Mark. I think it helps the healing process along in some strange way. That is what I did and I know your pain. Lost Deb 3 weeks before our 9th anniversary. Still hurts a lot but I go at least once a week to see her and take Flowers to her Grave. I talk to her every night at prayer time. Don't keep Grief bottled up.Write away here. Many prayers for you and good luck